Warnings: The format is rather odd in places, but read through it and I think you might understand. This has some Ryuuichi and Tatsuha musings, and is told from Ryuuichi's perspective…well, most of it. He may not be the Ryuuichi you know and love in places, but in others…
Splinters
We must have just finished with a concert. Touma has that gleam in his eyes, and people have been looking at me like that again…that half glance that seems to say that they'd love to come up to me and say "congratulations" but they're in awe of me. I almost understand why; I've seen myself in videos and still can't believe it's me up there, that I wrote those songs…
Funny how the main singer of Nittle Grasper—that is what its name is, right? Yes, that's right, I can remember the three of us forming the band, laughing and dreaming of making it big. Anyway, funny how the main singer can't remember when he has a concert, huh? I don't quite understand it myself. When it first happened, I though people were just joking around when they came up and said their congratulations.
I wasn't there tonight.
What was the last thing I can remember? The clock on the side of my bed in Los Angeles, watching the digital numbers change slowly, a comforting steady tick letting me know that time was passing steadily. Too often it passes in huge gulps and chunks, hours in a few moments. Sometimes I'll only be awake for a few
Ryuu-chan likes his clock. It's pink, and he likes the color pink a lot. It has bunnies on it too, but the best thing about it is the color. It's the color of Kumagorou, and it was oneechan's favorite color. Oneechan was very nice, but she's dead now. Ryuu-chan cried very much at her funeral, because she was a very good big sister and made Ryuu-chan good lunches to eat when mama and papa went away. Pink is a good color, a nice color. Ryuu-chan thinks its gentle and it reminds him of a sunset. Sakuma-san says it reminds him of washed out blood, but Ryuu-chan doesn't like to hear stuff like that. Sakuma-san is usually so nice too…sometimes he can be really strange. Ryuu-chan likes it when Sakuma-san tells him stories, but he doesn't like it when Sakuma-san is too quiet. Sometimes Sakuma-san seems very sad. Especially when Ryuu-chan doesn't hear him singing. It scares Ryuu-chan when he can't hear Sakuma-san humming, because then Ryuu-chan is afraid Sakuma-san is all gone…Ryuu-chan doesn't want to be alone.
moments, and then I'll wake up disoriented and in a completely different place.
It's happened again, I was over by the punch bowl a minute ago…at least I think I was. Now I'm against the wall next to a potted plant. A few people are staring at me, I wonder what I did this time. Sometimes I could kill Touma. He says it's good publicity to have parties like this, but all they do is make me nervous and tense. I don't do well around strange people most of the time.
A young man is walking towards me, and I feel panic surge within me. He looks familiar, as if I should know him from somewhere. Hmmm, he looks like Eiri-san, except for the fact that he has black hair. It's absolutely impossible to determine his age, he could be anywhere from twenty to thirty.
He has that look in his eyes too.
I almost turn away. I don't think I can handle any more adoring gazes from my fans. What do they all want from me? What do they expect? Do they want me to be cool, or completely warm and open? Shatter all perceptions…well, I'm sure I do that on a regular basis.
I want to hide somewhere. I don't remember you. I don't know your name, I don't who you are. How do you know me?
You don't know me.
Tatsuha. The name comes from somewhere deep inside, as if fed to me from an outside source. And then, he's right next to me, this stranger whose name I somehow know, his eyes upon me.
"Tatsuha…kun?" That sounds right, and I'm gratified to see his eyes light up.
"You remember me, Sakuma-san?" He seems nervous suddenly. "You were…you were amazing tonight." Worshipping me with his gaze. It makes me feel…I don't know how it makes me feel. Almost as if I want to cry…
I hear the song echo through the room. It's one of my favorites of Shuuichi's. The beat is absolutely amazing, you can live through it, feel your heartbeat mold to it and let the melody carry you away on waves of pure sound. I love music. It's what I live for. Well, that and Ryuu-chan…Ryuuichi. He's very precious to me, and I don't know which one I would protect first. Poor Ryuuichi, so shy and sweet. I let Ryuu-chan carry his dear memories of the bitch, he's so completely innocent. Ryuuichi…I protect him from all the pain I can…
I can remember hiding in the closet, curled on top of the futon, trying not to cry. She would find me if I cried. I wondered if she had the knife this time, or maybe she would just use her hands. She liked the color of bruises on the back of my thighs, the spiderweb of long-healed cuts that still glare up at me whenever I undress for the night. I still can't wear shorts.
Oneechan always liked to play hide and go seek. I would hide, and she would seek. I had to be very good at hiding, because she liked the challenge of the game. Oneechan wasn't always hurtful, but it was best to be safe rather than sorry. To pass the time I would go somewhere else, deep inside my head…let my own music carry me away on waves of sound to dull the pain when she found me.
Sometimes I think oneechan was scared of me, my smile as I gazed up at her. Ryuuichi…I had to protect Ryuuichi and Ryuu-chan. It made me strong enough to face her, and the music in my head would cresendo to block out the screams…always so serious.
"Thank you very much, Tatsuha-kun." He's a delightful boy. I almost feel bad for allowing myself to get lost in my past memories while he's waiting for our reply.
I think I could eat him up, like candy. Even better, I know he'd enjoy it. But would he love me? Could he love Ryuuichi? Our precious, precious Ryuuichi… I know he's fond of Ryuu-chan, but I don't know if I feel comfortable letting him spend too much time with our lovely Sleepless Beauty.
I think I could almost be jealous of Shuuichi, of what he has, achoring him to sanity. I know, I have my clues. But I have to cling to what I have. Insanity is the only thing that keeps me sane. Isn't it hilarious? The height of irony, I can't remember what I did a few hours ago, but last week is clear as a summer day.
I used to be better, didn't I? Not so fragmented, splintered. I can remember having hobbies. I used to love to cook, waking up in my boxers and cooking a western breakfast…"Fly Me to the Moon" mindlessly escaping from my pursed lips as I watched the weather from the bay window. Curling up with a book when the rain came thundering down; I used to love to read, letting my mind escape into a good novel. Now I look at my bookcase and I see children's books, for children I don't have…
It scares me. Who am I? Who is that stranger on the video tapes? Why do I get phonecalls from people I don't know? So I go back to sleep, or clean in a mindless frenzy, only to "wake up" and find childish scrawls covering the walls of my apartment in crayon.
Tatsuha, looking at me with that worshipful gaze. I don't want another worshipper…I want something. Something I've never had, and probably never will. Could you give it to me, Tatsuha-kun?
I laugh, a dry, throaty purr. Inwardly I measure the effect it has on Tatsuha-kun. Ryuu-chan is happy, I know he likes Tatsuha-kun as well. It's my turn with him, though. Ryuu-chan can see him later; I placate him with the promise of a story to pass the time. Sometimes Ryuu-chan is hard to control. I have to remind him to talk like Ryuuichi in public, and to reign him in if he does something too dangerous. I let him run wild most of the time though, I admit.
I have a soft spot for children.
It's the only way to cope. With the crowds, with everything. I'm a stranger in a shell, but at least I'm okay…there's pain lurking deep beneath the surface, but I don't think I could face it.
What if I went to therapy? I would lose them, and then I would be alone forever. I don't know them, but I have a feeling they're there, and that's enough for me, most of the time. Maybe I'd lose my songs…and I wouldn't have anything left. I feel bitter all of a sudden, watching you, Tatsuha-kun. If you knew me, I bet you wouldn't be so awestruck. Just boring old me, who likes to read on rainy days and cook…who has huge holes in his memory and hates crowds and hospitals, who has a stuffed bunny that he can't even remember where it's from, but brings him comfort nonetheless. I don't do the things people say I do, I don't know people who know me.
I'm hardly even here anymore…fading away…did anyone even know I was here in the first place? Did anybody ever peer through and look for the real me? Am I real?
Would you be my Eiri-san, Tatsuha-kun? Someone for me to hold on to, someone there for me. Am I imagining the concern I see written across your face? Or are you so blinded by what's around me that I'd always be a hero in your eyes. Admiration isn't the same as love, love demands equality.
Kumagorou likes Tatsuha-kun. Ryuu-chan likes Tatsuha-kun too, even if he sometimes looks at Ryuu-chan a bit…funny. It gives Ryuu-chan butterflies in his stomach, and it makes Sakuma-san laugh…the meenie. Ryuu-chan asks him why he's laughing, but Sakuma-san always says it's an adult joke and Ryuu-chan wouldn't understand, but that just gets Ryuu-chan more upset. So Ryuu-chan chews on Kumagorou, it helps him be quiet when Sakuma-san says it's important, like when Sakuma-san is working on a song and doesn't want to be disturbed, or when Sakuma-san hides things from Ryuu-chan…bad things…Sakuma-san takes care of Ryuu-chan and makes sure that he's safe. After oneechan died, Sakuma-san said it was alright to let Ryuuichi come out to play, even though it meant less time for Ryuu-chan. Ryuu-chan threw a tantrum, but that made Sakuma-san mad…Ryuu-chan was sorry, he loves Ryuuichi, and he has to let Ryuuichi play too. It's unfair to hog all the time.
But then, Ryuuichi began to get scared, he had friends—they're Ryuu-chan's friends too, Ryuu-chan likes Touma—but there were crowds all around a lot of the time. After concerts he had so much energy, because Ryuu-chan and Sakuma-san liked concerts and got really excited, and Ryuuichi didn't know what was going on. Poor, poor Ryuuichi…Sakuma-san calls him "our Sleepless Beauty" and then he always laughs. Ryuu-chan supposes that's a grownup joke too. Sakuma-san says he dedicated a song to Ryuuichi, because he was always sleeping while awake, but that doesn't make any sense to Ryuu-chan. Sakuma-san started taking care of concerts, because he was the one who wrote the songs anyway, and then he let Ryuu-chan play afterwards.
Sakuma-san and Ryuu-chan love Ryuuichi. We won't ever let anything hurt him. We won't let anything scare him.
Never ever.
Do you see me, Tatsuha-kun?
I lean in close, memorizing the whisper of his scent, the inky darkness of his hair. Feelings I want so badly to embrace and never let go, but are so alien to me. Is this what love feels like as it begins to take root? No one is watching me for once as I take this familiar stranger into a warm embrace, shadows blanketing us as people make small talk around the room.
I can hear his heartbeat. I've never been close enough to another person to hear their heartbeat. I lean in close and whisper in his ear, a breathy sound I'm not even sure is coming from my own mouth.
"Can you find me when I'm lost, Tatsuha-kun? Can you put me back together again?"
It takes a moment for him to answer, I'm almost afraid he'll ask "who are you", but instead I hear, "I can try, Sakuma-san…"
"Let's dance." I laugh, fear melting away from me in waves and he looks suddenly youthful as he nods his head in reply.
Ryuu-chan wants to dance. He likes dancing. But Sakuma-san says no. It's Ryuuichi's turn to play. Ryuu-chan pouts for a minute, but he doesn't want to make Sakuma-san mad. It's Ryuuichi's turn.
It's a start. We'll have to see where things go from here…maybe…just maybe, if they left, or became a part of me…if Tatsuha-kun was here, maybe I'd be able to face it. I wouldn't be alone.
It would hurt, I'd have to face things I've never seen before…but I wouldn't be alone.
I wouldn't have to hide.
owari
I don't really have time to go into great detail about the generalities of people like this, but most of the time, those with multiple personalities are unaware of what's going on, they have long stretches of time unaccounted for. Some of the personalities are aware of one another, but the waking self is usually without a clue as to what happens.
Multiples are usually created by extreme childhood trauma, from what I've read, to take on memories that the child cannot cope with. In Ryuuichi's case, in this fanfic, it was from a highly abusive older sister. "Sakuma-san" (the one who we often see performing at concerts) as I have dubbed him, is the holder of these memories. "Ryuu-chan" (Ryuuichi as we see him after the concerts) has only good memories of his older sister, because Sakuma-san holds all the bad ones. Ryuu-chan is the free spirit that copes with things "Ryuuichi" cannot, such as strangers and crowds. Only the most vague feelings trickle through to the waking self, or here, "Ryuuichi".
I DO think Ryuuichi is a multiple, many of his actions in the series
are indicative of that. This is just my take on him, considering
he is my favorite character…