WARNING: This fic is rated 'R' for 'Retarded'. It includes extreme OOC-ness, crappy jokes, and overall general stupidity. You are bound to have lost numerous I.Q. pionts after reading this.

You have been warned!

Six Months Later

(The Opera House is hosting a Masquerade Ball to celebrate the New Year. All the Opera House staff is there, along with VIP guests. Everyone seems to be wearing a bizarre costume. Havoc is dressed as a Brigadier General, Riza is dressed as a Greek goddess, Edward is dressed as Napoleon Dynamite, Alphonse is dressed as a suit of armor (ironically), Armstrong is dressed as a Victoria's Secret model, Pinako is dressed as a munchkin from The Wizard of Oz, Rose is dressed as a Snowman, and Winry is dressed as Boobzilla.)

Edward- (raises glass) A toast! A toast to-

Winry- Wrenches!

Edward- No.

Alphonse- Hair Gel!

Edward- No.

Havoc- Havoc!

Everyone but Havoc- NO!

Riza- Look, Havoc! I've got the big, sparkly ring you gave me! I don't want Roy to know I'm engaged, so I'll hide it in my cleavage! No one ever looks there!!

Havoc- gazes at ring It's so…shiny.

(Roy decides to come to the party, fashionably late, as usual. He is dressed as Darth Vader. He draws from under his voice-altering helmet an opera manuscript entitled 'Roy Mustang Triumphant' and demands that it be performed. He then draws a lightsaber and begins to hurl insults at everybody. )

Roy- 'Evening everyone! Now, lessee… Havoc: Smoking Marshmallow Face. Edward: Shrimp. Alphonse: Clingy Hair-Obsessed Stalker. Pinako: Creepy Old Bat. Armstrong: Abnormally Large Softie. Rose: Nosy Brat. Winry: Mentally Insane Wrench-Lover. Oh, and while I'm at it…

(Roy goes up to Riza and rips off her big, sparkly engagement ring which was hidden in plain sight. Havoc sneaks up behind Roy while he is insulting people and attacks him with a lightsaber.)

Havoc- I KEEL YOU, VADER!!

Roy- No, Havoc! You can't kill me! I am your father!

Havoc- What!? That can't be! That's impossible!

Roy- Oh, my bad. I meant Führer.

Havoc- (gasp) Really?

Roy- No.

(Roy sweeps his Vader cloak around himself and vanishes. Pinako goes up to Havoc.)

Pinako- Quick, come with me!

Havoc- Huh?

Pinako- Just come, you idiot!

(Havoc follows Pinako to her dormitory in the theatre. She sits down and gives him a cup of tea. And a coffee mug. And a cappuccino. And a Root Beer float. And a banana sundae.)

Pinako- Okay, I know this Phantom/Angel/Colonel. I knew him a long, long time ago.

Havoc- Was he your boyfriend?

Pinako- No, you ignorant simpleton! You see, I was at this carnival with the rest of the ballet rats. There was this Freak Show-

Havoc- Were you a spectator or were you in the freak show?

Pinako- Shut up, foo.

Havoc- Wait a sec. If you knew this Phantom/Angel/Colonel a long, long time ago, then that means Roy is OLD! HE'S AN OLDIE! That guy must have some major anti-wrinkle cream! Why didn't you borrow some? Heaven knows you could use a gallon or two.

Pinako- Why you-

Havoc- Hold on. This ancient perv is stalking my dearest Riza! On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, on Vixen! On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blixen! Up, up, and away! (runs off)

Pinako- (calls after him) Keep your hand at the level of your pulsing anger vein!

(Riza decides to visit her father's grave. Although in FullMetal Alchemist, there is no mention of Riza's parents (see note), this is the realm of fanfiction, where anything is possible. Riza is in a large cemetery, and a huge tombstone rests over her father's grave.)

Riza- (sniff) Life really sucks right now, daddy. (sob) I just thought that talking to a dead person might help a little bit… (tear)

(The tombstone suddenly lightens up, and a lot of mist and smoke comes from behind it. We hear Roy's voice from behind the tombstone (who seems to have followed Riza to the cemetery.) Riza is astounded.)

Roy- Howdy, Riza! It's nice to see that you've dumped that marshmallow face! He's a smoker, you know. Your house will smell very bad if you marry him.

Riza- F-father!?

(Havoc appears in a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer. He is wearing a red suit and a big, ugly hat. He is also wearing a fake beard.)

Havoc- NO, RIZA! HE'S NOT YOUR FATHER! HE'S AN ANCIENT, FACE- EXFOLIATING PERVERTED, DEFORMED PSYCHOPATH!!

Roy- Of course I'm her father! DADDY LOVES YOU, RIZA!!

Havoc- ...perv...!

Roy- (draws lightsaber) I SMITE THEE, FABIO!!

Havoc- No! I'm not Fabio, Alphonse is!

Roy- Oh.

(Awkward pause)

Roy- Should I smite him, then?

Havoc- Sure.

Alphonse FanGirls- NOOOOOOO!!

Roy- Alrighty, then. (goes off to smite Alphonse)

Alphose FanGirls- (beat up Roy)

(We are Edward and Alphonse's office. Fortunately, Alphonse has not been keeled by Roy, simply because your Authoress is feeling merciful today. Heh. Heh. Heh. Havoc, Riza, Edward, Alphonse, Pinako, Winry (and George), Armstrong, and Rose are all in the office, trying to decide what to do about Roy and his opera, 'Roy Mustang Triumphant'.)

Edward- thumbing through manuscript Ludicrous! Have any of you looked at this thing? It's about a Colonel who becomes Führer and then marries a dead sexy Lieutenant! Pfft!

Alphonse- He wants you to play the lead role, Ms. Hawkeye.

Winry- But George wants me to play the lead role!

Armstrong- Me, too!

Rose- But I wanna play the lead role! I wanna be something besides a background person, for once!

Riza- I'm surrounded by idiots.

Havoc- Hey! I've got an idea! Let's perform this opera, and when The Phantom/Angel/Colonel comes, we'll lock him in the auditorium! We'll get military folks to come to the show and shoot him when he makes an appearance!

(Stunned Silence)

Alphonse- Havoc, I always knew you were stupid, but that's the most outrageous plan I've ever had the misfortune to hear.

Edward- (Breathlessly) I think it's brilliant. Havoc, your genius is showing!

Havoc- (gasp) WHERE!?

(It is the opening night of 'Roy Mustang Triumphant'. Riza and Armstrong are cast in the lead roles. Havoc, Edward, and Alphonse are all in their reserved box, and lots of military folks are stationed everywhere, ready to fire when they see Roy, who is currently hidden backstage with a noose in hand.)

Armstrong- (Onstage) Fuery, you pretend to be me and I'll pretend to be you so that she will fall in love with me whom she thinks is you, and then she will be mine! (goes backstage)

Fuery- Whatever.

Roy- Oh, I love the smell of irony in the morning!

Armstrong- Evening.

Roy- Your presence is no longer required. I NOOSE THEE! leaps

Armstrong- (gasp) (choke) (dies)

(Riza skips onstage in a most un-Rizalike way)

Riza- (Singing) No thoughts within her head at all.

No dreams within her heart but dreams of the shopping mall!

(Zoom in to Manager's Box)

Alphonse- raises eyebrow

Edward- What!? Roy wrote this for Christ's sake!

(Zoom back onstage)

(Roy comes onstage dressed as Zorro. Ironically, the term 'Zorro' is Spanish for 'Foxy'. Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake. It just means 'Fox'. But wouldn't it be cool and very ironic if it did mean 'Foxy'?! Ahem. Back to the story.)

Roy- Well, howdy Riza!

Riza- Armstrong, why do you suspiciously resemble Roy in a frighteningly sexy way?

Roy- You see, I'm pretending to be Armstrong even though I am really Roy. You will think I am Armstrong and not Roy, who is playing Roy Mustang who is pretending to be Fuery.

Riza- So, let me get this straight. You're Roy, who is pretending to be Armstrong. Armstrong (who is really you) is playing Roy Mustang (who is also you) who is pretending to be Fuery. My character loves Fuery, who is pretending to be Roy Mustang. Armstrong is playing Roy Mustang, but he is pretending to be Fuery. You are Roy, but you are pretending to be Armstrong who is playing Roy who is pretending to be Fuery?

Roy- Huh? That really didn't make any-

Riza- YOWZA!!

(Riza successfully de-masks Roy. She rips his cute little Zorro mask right off his face. Roy is not very happy with this.)

Roy- AAAARRRGGGHHH!! YOU LITTLE -bleeeeeeeep-!! HOW DARE YOU!! YOU HELL-BOUND, WORTHLESS -bleeeeeeeeep-!! I WILL SMITE YOU, AND YOUR -bleeeeeep- BOYFRIEND!! YOU WILL PAY!!

Audience- (stare)

Edward- (eye twitch)

Alphonse- (cough)

Havoc- Was he talking about me?

Winry- OH MY GOD, HE'S SLIGHTLY UNATTRACTIVE ON ONE SIDE!!

Everyone- (screams) (run) (trip) (fall)

(Roy sweeps his swishy cloak around himself and Riza, and they vanish in a sparkly puff of smoke.)

Havoc- Oooh, sparkly… (gazes in wonder)

(Roy drags Riza to his lair. Again. This time, our dearest Roy is very, very peeved with Riza's cruel, callous unmasking. He forces her down into his icky sewer home, all the while shouting words that should never be repeated. Therefore, I will decline from posting them here to contaminate the minds of today's youth, whose minds are already contaminated enough.)

Roy- throws Riza violently on the floor

Riza- OW!

Roy- Don't speak. Your foul breath has no right to be in my precious home!

Riza- Oh, come on! It's not that bad! I've seen far worse! You seriously need to get a life, and see a professional for your mental issues!

Roy- Hmph.

(Havoc suddenly appears behind the portcullis. 'Portcullis' is a fancy word for a sliding grate thingy. Havoc has followed Roy and Riza to the sewer, and he is very pissed. Partially because Roy kidnapped Riza from the stage, and partially because the water from the sewers put out his cigarette.)

Havoc- You! Get your filthy, rotten paws off Riza! She's mine! And get me another cigarette!

Riza- (scoffs) I don't belong to anyone, thank you. And you could really do without a cigarette. They make you smell really bad.

Havoc- (stare) But-but I put on extra axe this morning!

Riza/Roy- Eeeeewww…

Roy- Look at him, Riza! He smokes! He wears axe! He smells really bad! He's really stupid! You don't deserve this guy! Let help you make up your mind! (nooses Havoc)

Havoc- AAARRRGGGHHH!!

Roy- There! Make your choice, Riza! Choose me, and I'll let your fiancée go unharmed, but you will stay with me forever! Choose him, and I'll set you free, but your stupid boyfriend will die! Take your pick!

Riza- What?! I've gotta either live with you or kill Havoc?! That's really cruel!!

Roy- MOO HA HA!!

(Havoc manages to squirm out of the noose, much to Riza's delight and Roy's chagrin. Unfortunately, he has concocted another doomed-to-fail plan.)

Havoc- Now, I have an idea! There's no need for broken bones and blood and gore! Let's settle this like men!

Roy- That can only mean one thing…

Roy/Havoc- DANCE OFF!!

(Awkward Pause)

Riza- sigh It's gonna be a long, long night.

(Roy goes to the stereo and switches it on. He flips a switch in the wall, and the lair transforms into a giant Disco Hall with flashing multi-colored lights, disco ball, bubble machine, and a glow-in-the-dark dancefloor. Roy and Havoc quickly change into white disco suits.)

Roy- HA HA!! Prepare to smell the rotten stench of defeat, you idiotic nicotine addict!!

Havoc- After you, you deformed, mental psychofreak!!

(Roy begins to dance. For a deformed, mental psychofreak, he is actually very good. We can only assume that he practices a lot in his secret Disco Hall. His song of choice is "So Sexy". He has changed the lines to "I'm too Sexy for my Mask", which causes all the Roy FanGirls out there to squeal, swoon, and toss panties on the stage.)

Roy FanGirls- SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!

Roy- (gazes fondly at FanGirls) Your turn, Nicotine King.

(Havoc starts to dance. Or, at least, he tries to dance. He starts with 'Back in Time', (which is a really awesome song from the 80's) and then realizes that he's in 1870, and electric guitars haven't been invented yet. So he just does The Chicken Dance. Really badly.)

Havoc- (gasping and red-faced) Well? Who do you choose, Riza?

(Silence)

Roy- Well? Is it him or me? The sexy Phantom/Angel/Colonel, or the smoking Chicken Dancer?

(Silence)

Havoc-Who do you choose? Me, the handsome rich guy, or him, the deformed, insane stalker?

(Silence)

Roy- I'm your teacher! Your mentor! Your devoted, caring instructor! The one who discovered and nurtured your talent!

Havoc- I'm your fiancée! Your lover! Your future husband! The one who will love you unconditionally in sickness and in health, until death do us part!

(Riza regains her composure and stands on top of the incredibly huge sound-system. She clears her throat and begins to speak. She sounds deathly serious.)

Riza- You're both PATHETIC! Why should I go with either of you?! Neither of you have an I.Q. over ten; you both have horrible taste in pretty much everything; and you're both incredibly conceited! Roy Mustang, Number One: You don't look that bad. Nothing a little facelift can't fix. Number Two: you live in a SEWER. For Christ's sake, go buy yourself a regular house or something. You are a stalker and a peeping tom, you read 'Martha Stewart Magazine', you own a dollhouse, you dress up as Darth Vader and Zorro in public, and the worst insult you can come up with is "Marshmallow Face". You really need to move out of this revolting sewer and get an actual life!!

(Echo)

Havoc- OOooh, buuuurn!

Riza- Shut up, Havoc, you're next!

Havoc- gulp

Riza- First of all, you really need to quit smoking!

(Riza takes the cigarette out of his mouth and crushes it under her heel.)

Riza- Jean Havoc, you are so PITIFUL! You are not rich and handsome like everyone thinks! You are clingy and flaky, you come up with stupid plans with no chance of working, it's quite obvious that you dye your hair in the front, your intelligence has hit rock bottom and started to dig, you have an unhealthy obsession with anything shiny, you stalk me everywhere, you smell really bad, and then you wear axe which makes you smell even worse! You are the worst dancer the world has ever seen; you dress up like Santa Clause at the cemetery, you superglue a cigarette to you face, and you know the words to "Hey, Ricky". Havoc, if that's not pitiful, well then, tell me what is!

(Echo)

Roy- TeeHee. You got told.

Havoc- (twitch)

Riza- And for the record-

Roy/Havoc- (cower)

Riza- DISCO IS DEAD!!

(Riza stomps promptly out of the Lair-turned-Disco Hall. She steps into the gondola and rows herself out, leaving Roy and Havoc in a daze, gazing open-mouthed after her. Neither of them moved or blinked for several minutes.)

Havoc- Well…This kinda sucks…

Roy- Ya think?

Havoc- So…we're like, bachelors now, aren't we?

Roy- Well, seeing as the girl of our dreams has just hurled awful insults at us both and rowed off in my boat, then yes, I'd say that we are bachelors.

Havoc- Oh.

(Awkward Pause)

Havoc- Well, It's been nice knowin' ya. (dives into sewage water and swims to shore)

(To sum up our story, Riza never married. After the Roy incident, she remained single all her life, and proved that one could live happily without a spouse. She had a wonderful career as a theatre performer, and lived a long, happy life. After he got dumped by Riza, Havoc married the next best thing: Winry. Or so he thought. From his wedding day to his death, Havoc was never again seen without a wrench-shaped bruise on his forehead. He died of a head injury, and it was later discovered that he had a wrench-shaped hole in the back of his skull. Alphonse put his hair obsession to good use. He became a professional hairstylist and launched the 'Garnier' Shampoo line. Edward went off looking for Uranium Bombs, and then he got really into the 60's and no one ever saw him again. Pinako worked at The Opera Garnier until it closed, and she lived to a remarkable old age. She moved to London, changed her name to 'Rowling', and made a considerable amount of money off of some books she wrote. Unfortunately, Rose never played a lead role, and danced in the background her entire career. Roy never took Riza's advice to get a life. He remained in his lair until he died. His body was found in the Disco Hall, clad in a white disco suit and tap shoes. The cause of death was that he attempted to swing from the large disco ball, and it fell to the dancefloor, just like the chandelier. The Hideous Monkey remained in his possession until Havoc took it, just as he had taken Riza so many years before.)

Havoc- Mmph.

Ugly Monkey- (ching)

Thanks. If you managed to get to the end without wetting yourself, congrats. I hope you didn't lose too many brain cells. Please reveiw, flames welcome.

Purrs,

Frenchie

Note: Although the 15th manga goes into detail about Riza's father, this fic was written before that manga came out. I realized my mistake, but liked the line so much that I decided not to change it. Sorry for any confusion this caused.