Disclaimer: Baum wrote it, SciFi adapted it, and I want a series, not a miniseries, dammit. For the record, the idea of a user guide is not mine. I have no idea who originated it, but as I've never said it was mine, deal with it. Nor is any similarity to any other's work intended.

THE USERS GUIDE AND MANUAL FOR

Azkadelia

Copyright Tin Man, Ltd.

Princess D.G., Quality Assurance Manager

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of an AZKADELIA unit. To obtain the most pleasure from your princess, please follow the instructions below.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: Crown Princess AZKADELIA (Hereafter known simply as AZKADELIA)

Type: Human (O.Z. Princess)

Height: 1.63 m

Weight: 120 lbs.

Colour: Eyes: Brown Hair: Dark Brown

ACCESSORIES

Your AZKADELIA will arrive via travel storm in a soft pink bubble which will pop upon delivery. Included within the bubble is the green Emerald of the O.Z. in a lavish gold necklace. Also provided is a trunk labeled "BAD" are the floor-length, body-hugging gowns of satin, leather and metal that put Conan or Ming the Merciless to shame. The motile tattoos of the MOBATS will disappear upon selecting the "GOOD" setting or appear and indeed allow MOBATS to spring from her bust if the "BAD" setting is selected. Moreover, should you select the "BAD" setting, please be advised that the image and voice of the WICKED WITCH may periodically merge with the face of the eldest princess. Also be advised that Tin Man, Ltd., assumes no penalty or liability for the sucking of souls from individuals while AZKADELIA is set to "BAD." Should you select the "GOOD" setting, a collection of softly flowing and pastel gowns are included in a trunk labeled "GOOD." Settings to choose between good and bad are controlled by the included remote control (two AA batteries not included). All units are set to "NEUTRAL" for shipment, the default setting for all AZKADELIA units. Also included are a collection of bath supplies, a luxurious silk robe and a boar's hair brush.

Also included with your AZKADELIA is the WITCH'S TOWER, available at no additional charge. Additional accessory packs are available at additional charge as per the included catalog.

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS

Upon receipt of your AZKADELIA unit, it is strongly recommended that you remove the gown and gilded armor included and inspect all moving parts. At this time, depending upon the settings selected upon the included remote, you may then also gown your AZKADELIA in the appropriate clothing for your settings. Please be advised that compatibility with other units depends heavily upon the setting selected.

In "GOOD" mode, the AZKADELIA unit will interact comfortably with the DG, GLITCH, WYATT CAIN, JEB CAIN, QUEEN LURLINE, CONSORT AHAMO, and RAW. Alternately, in "BAD" mode, the AZKADELIA will be more comfortable with the ALCHEMIST, LONGCOATS, ZERO, and MOBATS. Please make your selections as to her standard mode of your AZKADELIA with your other units in mind to avoid having the Battle of the Witch's Tower replayed in your living room.

Besides serving as either the loving big sister of DG or the terror of the O.Z., your AZKADELIA has a variety of other functions.

Heir Apparent

About to inherit that empire from Daddy Dearest? Not sure how to handle your stockbrokers or board of directors? Never fear. Any woman who can orchestrate a coup and hold an entire world in terror for fifteen years definitely has management skills. Simply allow AZKADELIA to educate you on the finer points of world domination and, very soon, you will find that Wall Street and world economics are your oyster.

Magic Expert

Not sure if the spell in hand ends the world or is simply a quick travel option to Tibet? Simply allow your AZKADELIA the opportunity to read and determine its intent. Again, designate the setting of you AZKADELIA to "GOOD" or "NEUTRAL" prior to asking her opinion to avoid having AZKADELIA and the WICKED WITCH produce an apocalypse in your home town.

Linguist

Thanks to being raised as the heir apparent to a magical lineage with the appropriate education, the beautiful AZKADELIA has a grasp of a variety of languages, both written and spoken. She can read ancient warnings inscribed in caves, follow meandering scrolls of spells and dusty tomes of O.Z. history. Simply allow her to have a crack at your German homework and you'll be conjugating verbs in no time.

CLEANING

Your AZKADELIA requires daily maintenance and cleaning. Be certain before attempting to clean your unit that you have the settings set to any location between "GOOD" and "NEUTRAL." Tin Man, Ltd., assumes no liability for the death, destruction, or dismemberment caused to or near enthusiastic owners of AZKADELIA while attempting to groom said princess in "BAD" mode. As shown in the case of Mrs. Evelyn Sanders vs. Tin Man, Ltd., the courts have upheld that bathing a wicked witch is done at the peril of the owner. Handwashing is recommended and your AZKADELIA unit prefers fine soaps and bath oils for her care. A selection of her favorites have been included and more may be ordered from the included catalog if preferred. It is advisable to have a soaking tub or bathtub for the bathing process. Please take care to use detanglers and conditioners on AZKADELIA's hair or you may find her hair resembling a Troll Doll. Line drying is not recommended as you may be arrested for indecent exposure or the corruption of the innocent. Towel drying is recommended and AZKADELIA has a strong preference for Egyptian cotton. Indeed, she may steal Glitch's towel should you have that unit. Once dry, maintaining AZKADELIA's luxurious mane is made easier with the included boar's hair brush.

Do not attempt to remove the MOBAT tattoos from AZKADELIA's chest with steel wool, wire brushes, or bleach and/or other strong chemicals. This will damage your AZKADELIA, possibly beyond repair. Do not machine wash or dry your unit as this, again, may cause irreparable damage.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS AND TROUBLESHOOTING

She's gorgeous and smoking a cigarette. And she's collecting my hacksaws and inquiring as to the state of my cement for a little home improvement project. I'm beginning to wonder if Azkadelia really isn't still possessed. Help?

Oh, dear. Thank you for notifying us, good patron of Tin Man, Ltd. Products, of this error. On occasion our inventory specialists will accidentally send out the EVELYN DICK specialty model in place of the AZKADELIA model. We will be sending a cadre of CANADIAN MOUNTIES to your home forthwith to collect the unit and will immediately replace her, upon receipt back into inventory of EVELYN DICK back to the Canadian Penetentiary System, with your corrected order off AZKADELIA. Tin Man, Ltd. apologizes for the mistake and holds no liability for the decapitation or mutilation of husbands. For the delay and any inconvenience, the WICKED WITCH will be included at no charge or you may opt to keep one CANADIAN MOUNTY.

She's talking to herself. And, I mean, REALLY talking to herself. Is this normal?

Define normal. Depending on the setting that you have AZKADELIA currently assigned to, talking to oneself could be indicative of several things. First, if the unit is set to "BAD", she is communing with the WICKED WITCH. Please back away from your unit and find the remote. Should you upset AZKADELIA while she is communing with the WICKED WITCH, Tin Man, Ltd., cannot be held responsible for the results nor the funeral costs. Secondly, it may simply bean indication of the damage done to your unit during the removal of the WICKED WITCH if your unit is "GOOD" or "NEUTRAL" setting. If that is the case, simply include her in your activities and she will soon find the company around her more comforting than that little voice in her mind.

The remote is broken.

My apologies. We will be sending a MOBAT with a replacement remote to you immediately. Should you already have expired, it will be delivered to the person that you have designated as the next owner of your AZKADELIA.

She freaks out if she gets red on her hands. She cries all the time and she has a haunted look in those brown eyes. She makes me want to make it all better. What can I do?

This is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and is a side-effect of the "GOOD" setting. Compounding the guilt of fifteen years of horror enacted by her hands at the will of the WICKED WITCH is the damage caused by having been the instrument of murdering her sister, deadening her world, and nearly bringing said world into permanent darkness. The best thing to do is to allow your RAW unit to spend time with said princess. Be prepared, she may never be the same light-hearted girl of fifteen years prior. However, with proper care and love from your other units, she will recover and become a loving unit and member of your family.

So, AZKADELIA's love interests are not predetermined. Why?

This was done for the simple fact that what may turn on one owner may squick another beyond the telling of it. Upon receipt of your AZKADELIA you can use the included remote to change at will the love interest or interests of your unit.

I read something in the included spell book about AZKADELIA being able to alter the predetermined love interests of all other Tin Man, Ltd., units. What is that supposed to mean?

Exactly what it sounds like. The AZKADELIA has the unique gift and power to ensorcel any other applicable unit to change their love interest. Say you always wanted to see how GLITCH and CAIN could do the horizontal mambo? Simply have the AZKADELIA cast the included spell and it shall be so. Indeed, she has the capability to allow you to swap at random. Please be advised that this spell does have the option to allow all of your other units to either forget it happened or ignore it. If not included with the spell, Tin Man, Ltd., is not responsible for drama, damage or dismemberment of units or owner.

FINAL NOTE

We here in quality control hope that your thoroughly enjoy your AZKADELIA unit and, provided that all instructions are followed and the remote control is neither damaged nor lost, are certain that she will provide you with years of unending pleasure. If you are purchasing AZKADELIA as a gift, please be advised that we follow the rules and regulations as set out by the Royal House of Gale of the Outer Zone. Remember, an AZKADELIA is a gift forever, not just for birthdays and holidays.