Session 3

Nightmare: Welcome back ladies and gentlemen to the final half of tonight's Talent Contest!

Cheerful Tira: Next in our lineup are Rock, Siegfried, and Astaroth, as they display their awesome strength to the audience!

The audience claps as all three men, all oiled up and wearing speedos step onto the stage, effortlessly holding gargantuan dumbbells and other weights.

"Yeah! We're going to show you how tough we are, WORMS!" Astaroth proclaims to everyone in the audience as he, and the other two men began doing reps using 1000-pound weights.

However, as soon as Rock began lifting his weights, something popped out of his speedo.

It was a pill bottle of some sorts. Nightmare walks over and picks it up.

Nightmare: What the?! These are steroids!

"Oh crap!" Rock says as he and the others stop dead in their tracks when their performance enhancing drugs were discovered.

Emo Tira: I knew those muscle bound losers couldn't be that strong! What a bunch of cheating bastards!

Nightmare: I smell a 'disqualification' in the air.

Emo Tira: Smells more like your armpits. Did you shower this morning?

Nightmare: Um…er…maybe…

"Let's get out of here!" yells Siegfried as he and the others ran off the stage in a flurry, with Rock dropping another bottle of pills during the escape. Nightmare picks it up and examines it.

Nightmare: …Viagra?!

"Let's move on to the next one already! I'm sick of horny, muscular men!" Cervantes proclaims from the judges booth.

"Yes, the dead pirate is right. Let's see some women already," Raphael states, arms crossed.

Nightmare: We will get to the ''All Women' segment at the end, fellas. But for now, let's get the rest of the contenders out of the way first.

Cheerful Tira: Next up we have Talim, who will be displaying her expertise of the wind!

The audience claps as Talim walks onto the stage, and bows before everyone.

"EYAAAAAAA!"

Before she could even get started, Ganondorf shot out from behind the curtains yelling like a girl, followed by Link, who was now shooting at his arch enemy with his bow and arrow. Apparently the two were still at it trying to take down one another since Link's debut earlier in the show.

"Hey you two! You're ruining my act!" Talim yells out to both persons. "Go take your meaningless fight somewhere else!"

Both Link and Ganondorf stop and look at Talim. They look at each other, before nodding in agreement to go after her instead.

"Hey…what the…what are you…Eeeeek!" Talim shrieks, as she was now being pursued by both men off of the stage for no reason.

Emo Tira: Okay, what the hell, people?! What's with these interruptions and crap? What the hell is security doing?

Nightmare: You shot down the proposal to have security because you said we couldn't afford it, remember?

Emo Tira: Well yeah, only because you didn't have any more funds on your credit card to reimburse them at the time!

Nightmare: …Wait…how did you get my credit card…?

Cheerful Tira: (Cutting Nightmare off) Moving on then! Let's introduce our next act: a rap song performed by Yunsung and Zasalamel!

The audience cheers wildly as Yunsung and Zasalamel enter the stage, both dressed in hip-hop-fashion street clothes. Yunsung tosses a cassette tape toward the DJ as he began to play the music.

Both men start rapping and singing to the song 'Gangsta's Paradise' by Coolio. This, while it didn't have any feministic charm the judges wanted, still pleased them for their rapping skills.

"Heh, seems like every few performances we finally get a good selection. Those two get a (Seven)," Raphael responds.

"Ooh, I like culture! The duo gets a (Eight)," Xianghua says.

"Eh, it s all right," Cervantes says. "They get a (Seven)."

Cheerful Tira: And there you have it folks! Let's move on to our next performer!

Nightmare: We now have Olcadan with his comedy routine!

The audience cheer as Olcadan (in his owl form) steps out onto the stage.

"Alright! Let's get this comedy routine on the road!" Olcadan says, grabbing his mic, ready to start.

"Oh cool, an owl! Say that funny 'O RLY' line!" Xianghua says, hopping up and down with excitement.

"…What?! No! I'm saying that idiotic, overused line!" Olcadan says, shaking his head.

"Pleeeaaassseee?" Xianghua insists.

"I says no!" Olcadan shot back.

"Oh…okay…Say, you have a stain on your chest!" Xianghua, pointing at Olcadan's chest area.

"O RLY?!" Olcadan says, eyes raised.

"YA RLY!" Xianghua adds.

"NO WAI!" Olcadan responds, looking down to see that he had been tricked.

"DAMMIT!" Olcadan groans, face-palming himself in embarrassment, now walking off the stage in a huff.

The entire audience laughs at the exchange between Olcadan and Xianghua.

"Hahaha, that was rich! Xianghua gets a (Nine) for making an ass out of the owl!" Cervantes says with a laugh.

"Quite amusing indeed. Xianghua gets an (Eight)," Raphael says.

Nightmare: Well that's a first…since when do we give scores to judges?

Cheerful Tira: Don't know and don't care! That was awesome!

Nightmare: Well…as long as it made you happy…heh.

Cheerful Tira: Next up in tonight's show is Heihachi Mishima as he displays some of his martial arts moves!

Heihachi waks onto the stage wearing nothing but his Japanese thong.

The entire audience laughs as they saw him in his attire (or lack of).

"What? Why are you all laughing? This thong represents the confidence in my great power!" Heihachi shoots back at everyone.

"Get off the stage! We don't want to see a half-nude old man," Raphael calls out from his table.

"The man is right. I swear I'll steal the souls of everyone in this entire cathedral if I have to sit through another suggestive male performer!" Cervantes adds.

"Hmph! I'm out of here!" Heihachi grumbles, leaving stage in and and in embarrassment.

Nightmare: Eh…I'm with the male judges on this one…

Emo Tira: You would…at least he looks better in a thong than you do!

Nightmare: Ouch…um…well folks, its time for our final act!

Cheerful Tira: Tonight's final performance consists of five lovely ladies.

Nightmare: Put your hands together for Taki, Sophitia, Seong Mi-na, Cassandra, and Setsuka. They are 'The Soul Calibur Dolls!'

(The Pussycat Doll's 'Dontcha' music starts playing as all five women step out onto the stage wearing extremely suggestive attire.)

All of the men's eyes in the audience nearly pop out of their heads as they saw this.

Taki, the leader of the group, grabs the mic and starts singing in a smooth sexy voice while slowly walking up to the judge's table.

Taki: I know you like me
I know you do
That's why whenever I come around
She's all over you
I know you want it
It's easy to see
And in the back of your mind
I know you should be on with me…

Taki was now on the judge's table, slowly crawling toward Raphael and Cervantes. Both men looked as though they were about to pass out from too much sexiness coming from her.

Taki and the others: Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don't cha
Don't cha
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Don't cha
Don't cha

Both judges fall out of their chairs in a daze. They couldn't handle the heat from the performance. Xianghua blinks as she tried to understand why the other judges fell out.

The entire audience (well, namely the male populous) was ogling over the girls as they performed. The wives and girlfriends within the audience now tried to snap their husbands/boyfriends out of it.

Nightmare: Wow…this is too hot to even be in my armor!

Emo Tira: Fantasize about those girls for one more seconds and you'll be sleeping outside tonight!

The judges get back up off of the ground and held up their scores simultaneously.

"A perfect (Ten)!" Cervantes says happily. "This is just what I needed, especially since I'm always on a ship full of sea-men."

"Yes, a (Ten) is most appropriate. Maybe I can convince Amy to take up this career path," Raphael says with a satisfying grin.

After the ladies performed, they bowed as the audience screamed wildly for their act.

Nightmare: And there you have it folks! The Soul Calibur Dolls are tonight's winners!

Cheerful Tira: That does it for tonight's Talent Show, folks! I'm Tira!

Nightmare: And this is Nightmare signing off!

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