Title: Look into the Sky

Pairing: Fletcher/Poynter

Rating: M to be safe

Warnings: Mentions of eating disorder and what I guess could be considered as scenes of graphic nature to some

Dedications: To my Fien… my rock, my hero and my bun and to Isabell for being brave.

Authors Note: This can also be found on the official McFly boards and the Temp boards. This is a oneshot.

Read, reply and enjoy.

Look Into the Sky

My head feels heavy and my breathing is only light, crisp gasps for air, warm morning sun bathing my back and my shoulders as I half sit, half lay on top of his pale body. With curious and light fingertips I stroke my way over his calmly rising and sinking chest. Short fingernails scrape over the black ink of the star on his chest as my eyes take in his face. One thing at the time I let myself focus at and it's as If I'm seeing him for the first time, but just knowing him inside out already, by instinct, by touch and our hearts beating in tandem but I see him… see him for the first time. I let my eyes trace his closed eyes, dark and long eyelashes fluttering against the soft skin of his cheeks, his eyelids warm and blushed. My eyes travel over his nose and I lick my lips as I take in the dimple in his cheek, showing just slightly as he's actually not asleep at all and he knows I'm watching him, a small smile playing on his… lips… I capture my bottom lip between my teeth as idle hands playing over his chest want to reach out and touch those lips… I want… I need…

He's squirming just slightly under my light frame and he's tugging at the covers to pull them a bit higher to cover us more. I reach down and pry his hands away, letting the sheet over my hips fall even lower and I can feel Tom tense under me, not feeling as comfortable as he god damn should, being as exposed as he is to me. I don't care. I didn't care last night and I don't care now.

As the early day sun broke through the morning mist and rose beautifully across the tired sky, washed fresh with pearls of morning I had been watching him and before that, as the dark hours of night hovered over us, and dots of light danced across the night sky, the new born stars twinkling just for us, I'd been watching him. His hands had occasionally been resting on my back, goosebumps spreading fast across the naked skin as need and lust shot up and down my back and even excited my toes and I watched him, stroked him, loved him with my fingertips.

The night before was still a bit fuzzy to me but I knew as he started to fiddle with his hands and wouldn't dare to open his big eyes to look at me with that beautiful brown glitter that my head, and his head were heavy for different reasons. He was never big on alcohol… He'd laughed along with me though, with all of us. He had giggled and smiled and played along. He'd tried his very best not to wince when Danny spilled wine on the carpet. Someone was pushing me around as the night got darker and my head spun that little bit faster. I was in the garden and as the hands of a stranger shoved me into the chest of another, someone talking to me, demanding, teasing… I was more sober than I let on, dizzy or not, but I was smaller and shyer and it was all I seemed to have to my defenses at that moment. "Pretend you don't let it get to you, look into the sky and see it smiling down at you… you're that much bigger than them".

Tom had spoken the words to me many years ago now but ever since he had I'd known why I felt so safe with him as nerves racked my brains and body and prying eyes seemed to scream at me that I wasn't good enough. I soon got over my anxiety in most situations and Danny had long ago taught me that it was okay to be just us… we'll never judge each other. I hadn't needed Tom and his space-safety as Harry called it, not in a mocking way, just in that warm tone he uses when I'm sad or stressed and I know he'd fly me away somewhere nice and warm right that second if we didn't have the obligations we have.

I wasn't sure the space-safety had done anyone any good lately though. Tom was still as safe and collected just as many stuffed animals and took just as many girly baths but as rough hands pulled at my jeans and I found myself wishing that I was drunk enough to pass out so that I wouldn't have to consciously go through this. I glanced to the sky as I stumbled in the grass, trying to block out the hands and the mocking laughter… I froze and the next thing I know I'm screaming my lungs out. I blink as tears well up in my eyes but it doesn't help. The sky is dark and empty. I fall to my knees in the damp grass, the drunken friends of Harry backing off as I scream and cry and I can't keep it together as I once again search the sky for those damn fcuking stars. The sounds of Tom retching crashes over me together with late phone calls from his mother, the way she'd plead with us to make sure he didn't take this too far… the lies, the stupid lies that we'd pretend to believe just to not pick fights with him. I could see his sparkling eyes go dull and his warm skin go grey, losing its boyish glow. I cover my ears with my hands like I do every time on the tour bus when I know he's forcing his lunch back up, because I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear him hate himself from the inside out!

I choke on my sobs as Danny lifts me from the grass, hoisting me up with strong arms, patting my back and letting me soak his shoulder. Harry's screaming at the lads that had pushed me around and I can hear them slur their apologies and "hey man we were only joking" in the distance…

The sky wasn't smiling… it was dark, and it was dark for Tom. There was no safety, there was nothing bigger and to tell him he was beautiful enough and suddenly it all fell into place. Between Danny freaking out and threatening to call an ambulance for me, and Harry punching a dark blonde guy that now in the light of the lit up patio looked pretty damn small and defenseless, and not at all as dangerously superior to me as he'd looked as he'd drunkenly roamed my back and chest with clumsy hands in the privacy of the dark garden people slowly disappeared to take the party somewhere else and I couldn't care less. My head was pounding and I wanted to cry until I didn't have any more tears left to cry. I felt dirty and violated but at the same time weak and embarrassed. They had to come and save me… like so many times before. Why didn't I ever save them?

Danny and Harry floated around the room, Danny stumbling over empty beer bottles as he half chased, half clung onto Harry, trying to force his bruised hand back into the ice bucket as Harry winced and whined like a baby. At the pain in his hand or from having to put his hand in that ice, I didn't know as I sat, seemingly abandoned on the carpet in the lounge. I was far from though, I knew that. Harry had eyes at the back of his head even at the worst of times and I knew without looking for him where Tom was. I picked at a loose thread in my jeans as I glanced upwards quickly, catching a glimpse of him just where I'd expected him to be. Purged on top of the stairs, his knees tucked in between the railing and his head resting heavily on them, his cheeks flushed and his eyes filled with that dangerous mixture of sorrow and loss. His temple was resting against the wood of the railing as his head poked out through it and I glanced at him one last time before clumsily getting to my feet. I soon regretted it bitterly though as dizziness and a fog of guilt mixed with old cigarette smoke enveloped me and the floor tilted under my feet. I felt myself sway to the sides dangerously and with a gagged sigh, I gave up and gave in. I let myself fall and I thought, why not? Maybe if I was lucky I'd hit my head hard enough to never wake up again. I'd sit on some cloud somewhere with my bass and my new skate shoes and some really cool sugary cereal that Danny doesn't buy anymore because Tom- Tom… I'd have it all ready for him. He was coming, and it wasn't more than right really that I went on ahead to make sure I could go find those stars in time for his arrival… he was coming… slowly dissolving in the eye of everyone, in studios and photo shoots, yet in constant darkness hiding him and his actions so well. He was constantly being watched, and no one saw a thing… no one wanted to see or hear, and he wouldn't see anything but imperfection, wouldn't hear anything but the voices of criticism.

It wouldn't matter anymore. I'd wait for him… go on ahead… give up for him so that when he finally fell, weak and wasted and it was all clear and obvious to everyone who'd ignored every single of his pleas before, he'd be remembered as the young man who joined his best friend in death.

The sky would stay dark and evil. Cold and unforgiving, as I'd collected every star I'd found on a string for him… the world didn't deserve them anyway and Danny and Harry would have each other. They'd know, somewhere deep within they'd know that the space-safety was being used again, by someone who needed it the most.

It didn't take me long though to realize that I was crying again, and that long arms were wrapped around my disoriented body and soul keeping me from actually ever hitting the floor at all and a sigh tumbled off my lips as I realized that I must have been more drunk than I thought. I'd always been a lightweight when it came to alcohol but never before had I toppled off my feet, intoxicated and buzzing, thinking I should die so that I could make sure Tom was safe when he gave up. I winced slightly as heat rose from the soles of my feet all the way up my legs, turning my stomach inside out and shooting through my fingertips as my fumbling hands found their ways to Tom's hips. It was a miracle that he managed to keep us both standing at that moment, me leaning heavily into him. He swayed from side to side rocking me calm like he'd done so many times before. Why didn't I ever calm him down?

"I'd die for you." I mumbled into his chest, innocently wondering how he got down from those stairs in time to catch me. He reaches up and strokes the back of my head, his long fingers tangling in the long locks at the nape of my neck as warm lips caress my forehead.

"You're brand new. I'd die knowing you were never meant to."

I look up into his eyes and I want to be closer, closer… I cling to him, hug him so close that I feel every inch of him pressed against me.

"I know you don't love you anymore… but if I love you, can't that be enough? Can't that be good enough?" I'm painfully aware of the fact that I'm too drunk, and too shaken up to let any of this come out of my mouth and make it sound logical and to make sure he knows I'm serious and not just drunkenly babbling away but I can't stop myself and my blood is boiling in my veins rushing through my body as for searching for his… my heart his leaping in my chest, wanting nothing more than to join his in his. My fingertips stroke and probe at the soft skin of his small hips as they find their way in under his t-shirt, my entire body aching to connect to his, my skin burning with desire to rest and move against his. "Will you let me love you for you?"

I can feel my hair having fallen in a messy heap on my head, blond locks askew and my eyes are probably glazed from the alcohol and tired from the early hours of the night having sneaked up on us. I can feel them being red and sore, puffy from crying still and I can taste the bitter drinks on myself as I lick my lips in anticipation. My belt is a bit too loose and my jeans are hanging low on my own hips, showing off more of my Toy Story boxers than normal even. My t-shirt is crumbled and my jeans are still damp from when I fell in the grass earlier… I must look a real mess to him right now. To anyone. A pathetic crying, childish little mess. I'm clean shaven and pouting and I'm fully aware that I must look to be about 12 years old but I don't care… all I care about at that moment is him.

I groan and moan into his mouth as his lips suddenly collide with mine as he lets me… he lets me love him.

It was a heated frenzy. A storm, a tornado, as his sweet and warm breath, danced across the skin of my exposed neck as I threw my head backwards, spinning, floating, rushing up the stairs with him like two magnets that screamed for each other and it hurt to breathe. It hurt to move. It was pain, passion and perfection all in the same movement – away… gone… round, round. His hands travelled over my back, my chest, my cheeks and under my shirt.

We fell in a heap on his bed to the sound of moans and lovesick cries. There was a melody of lust coursing through my body and I didn't know what to do with myself and all my thoughts were in that moment consumed with him. Eager fingers played with the buttons of his shirt. My lips crashed over his again and I was drinking him, slowly emptying him of insecurities and corrupt thoughts of weight, looks and critics. I breathed his air and worked him up until he was left weak and feverish, trapped between my heavy body, frenetic touches, demanding urges and his soft mattress and warm blankets.

He pulled me closer as if to hold on to something, anything as his exhausted body threatened to fail him like he'd failed his own heart and it didn't seem to care that he had an erection digging into my thigh. I was in his world, that closed off, alienated bubble he'd been hiding in and he cradled me tightly, bringing his thigh up deep between mine as he both pushed and tugged to be that little bit closer to each other. I was in his head and heart and he was petrified that the moment he'd stop fighting I'd disappear again. I pushed his shirt over his shoulders and off him before, as my lips were still caressing his, panting with ragged breathing and heaving chests clawed at each others' belt buckles, shaking hands pushing jeans and boxers off and away. I hugged him tightly, my arms snaking around his waist and buried my face in his chest as nothing separated us anymore. His hips rolled against mine as we rocked, slowly and lovingly against each other. Lust burned in his eyes and tainted his cheeks red and the darkness of the night crept into the room through his large windows and with the crisp night breeze that rushed over us in a small gush of summer and longing for dreams and forever – stars on strings and the moon resting in your palm.

He stilled under me, chewing nervously on his bottom lip as his eyelids fluttered shut, only to be forced open again seconds later as he fought against his own exhaustion to stay awake. I stroked his sides slowly, up and down, my fingertips gracing his soft skin feeling heat radiate off him like it used to.

"I'm sorry…" he mumbled desperately , his voice breaking. "It's so dark."

"I know," I soothed looking up at him. "I know Tom and don't worry. We'll wait for the sky to light up for us. For you and me Tom. I'll wait right here…"

And that I did. His hands rested just above my naked bum as he slipped in and out of sleep. I waited, watched and protected him with every breath I took and tears trickled down my cheeks as star after star danced across the sky, newly born, newly found. The dark sky soon turned purple and pink over us, the darkness of the night shifting and lifting slowly in the horizon. Glimmer and glitter of morning danced over his light walls and his floor as in waves of caressing waves melting and molding everything around us into love and warmth and I purred, purged on top of his naked body as the sun licked my skin and his legs moved between my thighs.

I want… I need…

I bent down and rested my stomach and chest on his and felt the sun bathed skin tingle against my own, his protesting hands, listening to his insecurities and fears of being judged before stilling by his sides and he giggled childishly, the way he used to, as I kissed the warm skin behind his ear with wet lips, dragging my tongue across his cheek causing him to squirm and wrap his fingers around my hips. Light swam around us and I brought a hand down in between us to stroke him hard again as he nuzzled his nose in my neck and cheek, his legs slipping further apart to give me more room as I lifted myself off him slightly to catch his gaze. He smiled at me and I tried my best to smile back at him as I saw my own reflection in his glazed and shiny eyes. His mouth fell open as I pushed one… two fingers inside him and his hips buckled upwards, thrusting back at my fingers, groaning at the new feeling and intrusion. I could feel my pulse speed up as I was pushed against him, his thighs and legs trapping me firmly as I still stroked him, grunts and moans toppling off my lips. I pushed deep inside him with a single, slow thrust, still searching his eyes for something more… there was the faint white light of me in them but I wanted more… I wanted in. I was buried inside him as we picked up our pace, me moving him with me guiding him with me, far away and closer, closer… closer.

I carried him along, stroked and kissed and cried as his warm skin and wet erection pressed against me. My muscles screamed for release but it was never stressed or rushed. My lips played against the skin of his neck and chin as he breathed my name over and over again…

Warm light caressed us as we fell that early morning, the light curtains playing in the wind. We fell together and as I came hard inside him he shook and shuddered spilling all he had over my trembling hand, adrenaline pumping through me still. We fell together this time and I knew we'd never come down.

I kissed his nose, collapsing on top of him. I buried my face in his blond hair as it was my time to sleep. I smiled as he smelled of him again… new and childlike, warm and cuddly like newly washed clothes. His skin was warm from sun beams and the touches of love and I held him close as I finally fell asleep thinking that tonight, as the darkness fell, I'd take him out and show him the newly lit stars. The stars I'd collected and saved on a long string for him all night.

The End

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