Shinigami Women's Society

By (Now, this is, again, by me—at least the plot is—bleached.dragon… they really have gotten even more desperate than last time…)

Rukia: so, what did we swear on to never tell this story, anyway?

Isane: I don't really remember…

Renji: I sense foreshadowing…

Nemu: This really isn't fair… I wasn't in the original arc containing the therapy session and I'm not in this one either!

Yachiru: Remember! Reviews motivate this crew… (we get paid nicely for every one…)

Nanao: I would like to correct a misquote, Rangiku did not go on this trip, she was hallucinating

Rukia: Anyway, as it says in the 'by' line, bleachie did come up with the plot for this one, even if we're telling it...

Isane and Renji Present:

That Damned Trip!

"Everything started out fine…" Isane reminisced as she sat with Renji in front of multiple microphones as they began to relate their tale.

Renji smiled happily, "The sun was shining. Yachiru was playing poker with Kiyone. Ichigo was screaming in pain…"

"Hold on," Isane jumped up, "These are supposed to be happy memories! Happy! Like, cupcakes and cookies, sugar plum fairy, the Ring! Happy!"

"The Ring is happy?" Renji blinked.

"It cut down population growth," Isane smiled serenely and a flicker of Unohana's face was projected over her own, "and this annoying 11th Company guy I lent it to…"

Renji made a mental note never to do anything to the 4th Company Vice Captain, "Erm, anyway, Ichigo was screaming…"

Isane shrugged, "How about we just drag in a flashback?"

"Fine by me," Renji leaned back in his chair.

Isane dug through her pockets and she produced a ticket stub, "These things usually cause flashbacks…"

They waited a full minute.

And then a flashback slowly spluttered to life…

There is muffled cursing as the stage crew moved props around the space and then the lights finally flickered on.

The crew who went on the fateful trip on is on a plane bound for a distant land. Yachiru, Rukia, Kiyone and Isane are arrayed in the uncomfortable upright seats. Well, at least they had upright seats; Renji had been consigned to sit out the journey in a bathroom.

(Rukia: This is actually based on a true story bleachie heard in the news…)

"Why do I have to sit in the damn lavatory?" the pineapple head snapped angrily to his companions as he stood in the aisle, blockading the passage of the food cart.

"Hey," Rukia leaned back in her chair, sticking her head from the first class seats that she had convinced her brother to pay for, "at least you don't have to wait in line for the bathroom." She attempted to put on a sincere face, for a comment that was instigated purely to gloat.

"Damn you!"

Kiyone and Isane are squeezed in between a grossly obese member of society who had to flip up both armrests to fit into his seat. Isane manages a squeezed, "At least you have room…" she gasped and choked and there is the distinctive sound of ribs breaking.

"It'll be nice for a class action lawsuit," Kiyone mumbles, her face glued to the window, and not of her own volition.

Oblivious to the two Shinigami, whose conversation had moved from the civil topic of lawsuits to gutting him in his sleep, the traveler who was currently squeezing the two women into pancakes snored on.

Renji had to admit that the Kiyone and Isane had a point.

"There's legroom!" Yachiru chimed, from her seat situated directly in front of the television. She smiled cutely and resumed singing the Chappy and Friends theme song, "Just don't forget to flush on your way out!"

Ding!

Your flashback has expired. Please pick another item for this plotline to focus on.

Isane sighed and pulled out another ticket stub, "How about Renji's ticket?"

The two of them looked expectantly around, but seeing as nothing happened, they sighed and prepared for a long wait as they watched the minutes tick by.

One…

Two…

Three…

Renji dug out a pack of cards and began to deal. The two of them began to play poker but there was still no flashback after several games.

"ROYAL FLUSH!" Renji jumped up triumphantly and suddenly a flashback slammed into them like an oncoming train.

The camera focused on the cards and the scene changed back to the one on the plane as another person laid down a royal flush. (Isane: Flashbacks these days, so dramatic and camera angle obsessed.)

"ROYAL FLUSH!" an energetic voice chimed.

Renji, kneeling in the aisle, threw down his straight draw in frustration, "Dammit! What's with your luck? This is the tenth time in a row!"

Yachiru merely grinned mischievously and extended her chubby hand into which Renji reluctantly deposited his month's paycheck, "I'm just lucky," she replied modestly, "Still want to play?"

"I ran out of paychecks," Renji replied irritably.

"You can write IOU's," the midget cardsharp's eyes glinted, "I'm betting everything you lost this game…"

Renji couldn't resist, "Just give me some paper."

Yachiru fumbled in her bag for the requested item and doing so, cards slid out of her sleeves, "Ah!"

"YOU CHEATER!" Renji tried to jump the tiny girl.

"CHILD ABUSE!" the little Shinigami screamed back and he tried to wrestle her.

"GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK!" Renji fumbled for Yachiru's bag.

"RAPE!" Yachiru shrieked.

The entire plane froze at those words.

All hell broke loose.

Fifteen minutes later, after the slight misunderstanding had been cleared out, everything was relatively peaceful. Rukia and Yachiru had dozed off and Isane and Kiyone were brewing a poison to slip into the food of their new friend. Renji was writing a lawsuit as he perched on his unique seat.

Another fifteen minutes later the plane finally taxis down into the runway, and the passengers on the flight breathe a collective sigh of relief. Renji is the first person off the plane, bolting for the nearest bathroom.

Rukia sighed, "That is just lame. He spent the entire flight in the bathroom and then he runs off the plane for the nearest lavatory."

"Diarrhea?" Yachiru suggested cutely as she spent Renji's paychecks at the gift shop.

"Let's go," Isane limped towards Customs.

"Can't you just heal yourself," Rukia snapped, fed up with Isane's invalid act.

Kiyone limped after her sister, "It would be bad for the lawsuit though."

Rukia sighed, "I'm surrounded by weirdoes."

"Welcome to America," the stewardess replied.

Renji is pocketing Isane's monthly paycheck, "Huh? The flashback ended?"

Isane checked her watch, "I think that this is where we're supposed to make comments and stuff…"

Renji flapped his arms, "Just skip to the next flashback," a direct consequence of his act caused a deck of cards to slide from his sleeves.

"Renji…" Isane looked at him with an utterly evil expression, "what might those be?"

"Uh…" Renji looked for possible weapons and he spied the candleholder and inched towards it.

Fortunately for our redhead, a flashback zoomed in and another installment of the saga appeared.

"Um excuse me?" an airport worker walked over to the group of Shinigami Women's Society members. Several burly security guards followed him closely.

Rukia sighed. She had expected this to happen sooner or later. After all, you didn't import weapons of mass destruction though the airport system without something turning up. She leveled her gaze at Yachiru, to whom the pink suitcases full of lethal weapons belonged.

"Um… Miss…" Rukia jolted when she realized that the airport worker was tapping her shoulder.

Rukia turned around slowly, "y-yes?" she briefly wondered if they had mistaken her for Yachiru's mother. It was a possibility, if a slim one.

"You were carrying contraband," she was informed sternly.

"Wha?" Rukia stared, "Are you sure you got the right bags?"

"This is yours, right?" the airport worker gestured towards Rukia's chappy emblazoned suitcase.

"Uh, yes?" Rukia replied nervously, "but could you tell me what kind of contraband I am supposedly carrying?"

The security guard held up Rukia's Chappy hand lotion, "You can't carry over 50 ml of any liquid substance."

This was ridiculous. Rukia rubbed her temples, "What kind of harm could pink hand lotion do to get it confiscated?"

"You could blow up the plane," she was informed.

"IF I WANTED TO BLOW UP THE PLANE," Rukia screeched back, "I WOULD HAVE DONE IT WHILE I WAS STILL ON THE PLANE!"

"O-okay…" the airport worker decided not to press the matter, "Have a nice day then." He pocketed the lotion and sauntered off.

Unfortunately, he bumped Yachiru's bags and they fell open, spilling some of the world's most hazardous weaponry onto the floor.

Rukia swore. Why the hell did Yachiru have to carry dangerous items with her whenever she received a gigai?

The airport worker grabbed his mike, "We have a Four-Oh-Six emergency! I repeat Four-Oh-Six!"

"What does four-oh-six mean?" Yachiru asked innocently.

"It means," Isane replied brightly, "That we can add more grievances to our lawsuit."

"It means," Rukia amended, "That we're in trouble."

The travelers/shinigami/women were arrested before they could say, "Byakuya Kuchiki is gay," (Rukia: n-not that I would, or anything like that.) and their pictures were snapped and bounced all over the media networks by a desperate administration. Never mind that the alleged terrorist was a pink haired girl who looked about six and beat up all the security guards because they wouldn't give her ramen.

Isane was drinking some Coke, having given up on rumored calming effects of tea, "I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company," she hummed. (Rukia: Even more product placement…! This show is loaded.)

"O-okay…" Renji raised his tattoos, "you're supposed to introduce this one."

Isane sighed, "Fine…"

Live Feed from Interrogation Room One:

Isane had already figured out a routine for this kind of tragedy, always assuming that Kiyone would get herself arrested by some global spy network or other someday, so she is having hysterics and completely ignoring the interrogator. She rocked herself in the corner and muttered something about fishcakes and wasabi juice.

The interrogator was at a loss for words, he attempted to put on a stern face and asked, "Who hired you?"

"WASABI, WASABI!" Isane screamed in reply.

"Stop playing dumb!"

"WASABI!"

"If you want sushi so much, you shouldn't have joined a terrorist group!"

Isane lost her patience, "I'm not a part of a terrorist group! Take this! Super Fist of Fury! Die! Die!" she screamed hysterically.

After rendering the interrogator unconscious, she stalked down the door to free the rest of the crew. After we leave, she reasoned, we can go to Hollywood or something.

Live Feed from Interrogation Room Two:

Kiyone was drafting her lawsuit with the interrogator's computer.

"Hey! You! Cut it out!" the interrogator tried in vain to pry the girl that should have been subjugated to her interrogation skills away from her new Mac book. Kiyone merely hissed at her and resumed typing.

"I mean it!" the interrogator glared at Kiyone, "If you don't stop right now then it's time out for you!" she told the laptop hijacker sternly.

"Yes mommy, four more minutes," was the reply.

The interrogator didn't have time to do anything other than splutter, since someone knocked her out from behind.

"Come on Kiyone!" Isane stood behind her sister holding a curling iron, "let's go."

"Mac books are really hard to operate," Kiyone sulked as she lifted the equipment off the desk and followed her sister. (Rukia: The Mac book comment is actually the author's, so don't blame us.)

Live Feed from Interrogation Room Three:

"Mommy?"

"Erk!" the interrogator backed up another few steps and his back bumped into the wall and still he tried to back away from the twisted little girl sitting in front of him.

"I want juice," the said twisted girl informed her.

"I'm not your mother!" the interrogator snapped back.

Yachiru's eyes filled with tears, "B-but…" her lip quivered disarmingly, "I thought you loved me! I thought we had something special!"

The interrogator resumed backing away helplessly, wondering how he had turned, in the little girl's perception, from a mother to a lover.

Yachiru extended her arms, "I still love you!"

Isane and her curling iron saved the interrogator from further abuse at the hands of Yachiru. Isane dug though the pockets of the interrogator, "What's with the sentimental attachments?"

"Oh," the pink haired girl shrugged, "I get people to buy me food with that tactic."

"I see," Isane pocketed the interrogator's paycheck.

"In other news," Kiyone continued typing on her Mac Book, "When did you become a klepto, Isane?"

Isane picked up a wad of cash, "I keep losing at cards."

Live Feed from Interrogation Room Four:

"Like this…" Rukia held up a picture that closely resembled a bunny with a pink perm shooting a hyper beam at a bush, "That's the perpetrator."

"Uh…" the interrogator kneaded his forehead, his entire interrogation room had been plastered with similar drawings since Rukia had childishly insisted they be hung up. At least she hasn't asked for cookies and milk, he thought to himself.

"Oh! Almost forgot!" Rukia drew several dragon balls on the paper, "Make a wish!"

"I wish this would all go away," the interrogator moaned, promising himself that he would never have children.

His wish was immediately granted in the form of a hair curler that descended quickly towards his skull and connected with a crack.

"Wow, I wish that I had the entire Chappy and Friends collector's set!"

"There's a bit of a problem with that," Kiyone murmured as she redrafted her lawsuit, "you already do, although I can't fathom why anyone would want to own that toxic waste."

Live Feed from the Bath—er, Interrogation Room Five:

Renji was also drafting a lawsuit, as he perched on the edge of his interrogation seat. Well, it should have been a chair, but they had run out of interrogation rooms and Renji had, once again, been consigned to the bathroom.

"Goddammit!" Renji's fist decimated a stall wall, "What's with this place and bathrooms?" he wailed.

"Uh…" the interrogator slowly backed away.

Renji's fists of fury flew (Yachiru: Alliteration!) and pretty soon, they didn't even have a bathroom to hold the interrogations in.

"Man, you really need some help with your anger issues," Isane magically appeared with her hair curler and the rest of the party, "Isn't that how you destroyed your office and that closet?"

Renji refused to look up at the 4th Company Vice Captain as he mumbled something under his breath.

Rukia, who had heard the story, grinned, "What was that Renji?"

"…"

"I can't hear you," Rukia sang out in reply.

"I GOT A NEW OFFICE!" he snapped back at her.

"Where is it now?" Rukia asked with mock innocence.

"IN THE GODDAMN BATHROOM!" Renji howled back her as he clawed the remains of the bath—er, Interrogation Room Four.

Rukia sniggered, "Now, now, Renji. Don't use God's name in vain."

Renji made a rude gesture in response.

Isane taps her chin, "Wasn't there a reason why we swore never to talk about this trip?"

"I doesn't seem like anything out of the ordinary happened, did it?" Renji used 'ordinary' in a relative fashion.

"Oh!"

"ARG! DAMN THAT PIECE OF LUGGAGE!" Renji's fist slammed into Yachiru's pink suitcase, "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Rukia watched Renji vent, "It looks like Renji's lost it."

Renji lit a mach.

"H-hey! Renji! What are you doing? There are fifty tons of TNT in that suitcase!"

Renji dropped his match in surprise, "There are?"

"Uh-huh, and you just dropped a match on the entire load," Rukia jolted, "AND YOU JUST DROPPED A MATCH ON THE ENTIRE LOAD!"

"Uh…" Renji watched the suitcase slowly catch fire.

"BOOM!"

The Shinigami were clustered around the same spot in the airport in their soul forms.

"RENJI! YOU BLEW UP JFK!" (Yachiru: JFK is an airport in NY.)

"Kentucky Fried Chicken?"

"THAT'S KFC!"

"Yes, but why did we swear never to talk?" Isane is still puzzled.

Renji held up a wanted poster. The image on the poster was a bunny wearing what looked like a fruit hat, underneath, it read, 'Renji Abarai'. He held up several more similar images, one corresponding to each member of the company.

"They actually used those things?"

"And you seriously want the entire Soul Society to know that we blew up an airport and then got bunny pictures for our wanted posters?"

"Uh…" Renji thought for a moment, "I swear on my tattoos that I will never breathe a word about this trip,"

"Hey Renji," Isane prodded him, "Why are your tattoos gone?"

"I swear on all things holy that I will not discuss this trip," Isane avowed.

"WHAT THE HELL? WHY ISN'T ANYTHING VANISHING FOR YOU?"

"Maybe we're lacking of holy things…"

"I swear on Chappy and Friends that I won't discuss this trip," Rukia informed the crew.

"Okay, that's the lamest thing to swear on ever," Renji informed her.

"Well? Do you want me to swear on your life then?" Rukia snapped back.

"Renji? Renji?" Isane looked around the room, "Where did you go? Oh, there you are," she smiles at Renji's prone body.

"I'll swear on Renji's life too, then," Kiyone deposited her Mac Book in the trash, "In other news, I've given up on lawsuits."

"ACK! Renji vanished again!"

Isane: I think that takes the award for the lamest ending… right Renji? Renji? RENJI? You can stop acting now!

Renji: Sorry… anyways, what did Yachiru swear on?

Yachiru: Uh… I kinda think that you guys don't wanna know.

Rukia: Yea, we don't. (Reverse psychology)

Yachiru: I swore on Bya-Bya's straightness.

Rukia: Bya-Bya?

Yachiru: Sheesh Rukia, you don't even know your own brother's name…

Rukia: Oh, Byakuya-ni-sama… YOU WHAT?

Isane: Uh… that issue aside… We apologize for the delay in updates, but something called final exams is going on and other stories have been put on hiatus because of this, so expect slow updates… although this just took some extra time because it was originally slated to be a full-length meeting.

Rukia: What does final exams have to do with us?

Isane: You're retaking them since you failed miserably.

Rukia: … Why is everyone picking on my today?

Yachiru: Read and Review! Up next is another installment of HainekoLOVE! (because we got material)