Disclaimer:
(JAY and SILENT BOB walk out onto a white screen.)
JAY: I don't see how we sunk so fuckin' low as to be instigating a disclaimer. (SILENT BOB shrugs.) Anyway, Mallrat's is owned by Kevin Smith, unfortunately. (Turns to SILENT BOB.) I've pulled better things outta my ass, to be honest. And this stupid shitty excuse for a sequal is even worse. I mean fuck! We ain't even in it, except for this lame ass excuse for a disclaimer! Instead there's these two queers that are supposedly our nephews! Paul and Silent Zach! What kinda shit is dat?! I swear to God, that motherfucker author must've been high. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but fuck, there's a time and a place, ya know luchbox?
SILENT BOB: Those two (makes quotations with his fingers.) "queers" are our nephews.
JAY: God damn, there you go with that fuckin' one-liner shit again.
SILENT BOB: Jay, shut up.
JAY: Oooo! Two lines! Now I'm impressed. Fuckin homo.
SILENT BOB: Anyway, what ignoramous here forgot to mention is that he and I are also trademarks of Kevin Smith, and not author T.S. Quint, who coincidentally is also borrowing that name from Mr. Smith. Now, you may notice that this fic is probably not like any of the other Kevin Smith fic's you've ever read. Such as the fact that it doesn't have a single Kevin Smith character in it. But it was inspired by one of Kevin's many great movies, and features two characters that are very similar to shithead (points to JAY) and I, so I think you will find it enjoyable anyway, if you just give it a chance. See, this story takes place in a small town called Metro East, Illinois and the events that happent to the students of Metro East Public High School. As a matter of fact, he also has four more stories planned that take place in Metro East, and feature Paul and Silent Zach. If this story goes over well, those other's may just see light. Speaking of which, any feedback would be appreciated, but please no flames. Thank you.
JAY: Heh... you said flames. (SILENT BOB rolls his eyes.) Fuck man, that was the most queer assed thing I ever heard you say.... " please no flames. Thank you!" God, you's just gettin' gayer and gayer every day! (SILENT BOB, fed up with hearing JAY, walks off.) Hey! Don't walk away, motherfucker! I ain't done yellin' at you yet! (walks off after him.) And what's with callin' me a shithead, fatass?!
Cast of Characters
Lyle Grant: A senior at Metro East Public High School, Lyle is the ultimate slacker and consumate mallrat. When not at school or at work, sleeping, he's at home playing video games or watching movies (mostly Kevin Smith movies *wink wink*) or reading comic books. The often sarcastic Lyle is best friends with Corey Ryker, and arch nemesis to Quentin T. Bennting, MEPHS's sinister art teacher.
Corey Ryker: A sophomore at MEPHS, Corey is actually a halfway decent student. However, after being rejected by Sheila Portmann, a girl Corey had a major crush on, he takes to hanging out at the mall, with his best friend Lyle Grant, to try to forget his problems.
Katja Farrell: A freshmen at MEPHS, Katja is good friends with both Corey and Lyle, despite the fact that she is the complete opposite of both of them. Katja goes to the mall with Lyle and Corey to try and help Corey cheer up. She finds Corey's negative attitude a little irritating.
Paul and Silent Zach: The ultimate juvenile delinquents, and nephews of the infamous Jay and Silent Bob of New Jersey fame, Silent Zach is the quiet type, while Paul is, well, not. Paul and Zach, when there not at school (which is frequently) they're at the mall, either loitering, sticking their noses in other peoples' business, or generally causing trouble.
Quentin Bennting: The villain of our story, Bennting is the evil art teacher at MEPHS, and has had it in for Lyle since day one. Constantly plotting evil things, he is assisted by senior, and ultimate flunky, Chris Hicks.
Sheila Portmann: A pretty, but extremely snobby sophomore at MEPHS, Sheila is the object of Corey's affection. However, when Corey asks her out, she rudely declines, instead hooking up with Sean Williams, one of Corey's most hated foes.
Sean Williams: A sophomore at MEPHS, and big time prep, Sean Williams is Corey's arch enemy, especially now that he has stolen Sheila away from our protaganist.
Chris Hicks: A senior at MEPHS and the ultimate teachers' pet, Chris spends most of his time helping Bennting plot against Lyle.
Jarrett Ryker: Corey's younger cousin, Jerret hangs out at the mall constantly. Particularly outside the Victoria's Secret store, trying to, as he so elequintly puts it, "pick up chicks." He is also the one to go to for information on the goings on at the mall.
Melanie Tiborr: An extremely annoying freshmen, Melanie has a huge crush on Corey. She is constantly pestering out protagonist, despite his obvious dislike for her. The horror!
Jason Phelps: Jason is a worker at the mall, more specifically at the comic store on the second floor of the mall. He hates his job, but for some reason, continues working there. He finds his co-worker, Erik's lack of respect for the customers to be very irritating.
Erik the Red: Erik also works at the comic store. He has a blatant lack of respect for anyone and everyone, and is not afraid to show it. He has a particularly strong dislike for Paul and Silent Zach.
Dean Ponivas: Ponivas, or Ponti, as he is more commonly called, works at the comic shop with Mercer and Erik. He works constantly day and night, and goes absolutely berserk when ever anyone so much as mentions Pokemon cards.
Jenn Poltek: A little freshmen, Jenn likes to hang out inside lockers and eavesdrop on other people's conversations. Which is why Lyle has dubbed her "The Locker Gnome."
OPENING
EXT. MALL
(Camera pans around parking lot of Fairview Heights Mall, getting shots of all the entrances. LYLE GRANT's voice is heard giving the monologue.)
LYLE: This, ladies and gentlemen is a mall. Now I know what you're thinking.... "Ooo! A mall! How special!" in an extremely sarcastic tone. Well this isn't just any mall! (Scene switches to inside of mall, panning past all of the stores.) No, this is the mall to end all malls! In this very mall, my best friend fell in love twice, my worst enemy had his greatest moment of triumph, and I got framed for stealing. And all the while there was a comc book convention going on! In the mall! If you want to hear how this whole thing went down, sit down, shut the hell up, and listen. If not, go into the nearest restroom, bend over, and screw yourself!
(Scene fades to black. Title and Opening credits play.)
INT. LYLE'S ROOM
(Scene opens showing shot's of LYLE's room. There are clothes strewn about lying in piles everywhere, as well as comic book, empty soda bottles, bags of chips, etc. The bed in the middle of the room is unmade and empty. To the right of the bed is a nightstand with a digital alarm clock on it that reads 7:29 AM. To the right of the bed, laying on a particularly larg pile of clothes sleeping is LYLE GRANT. He is about 6'2", thin and lanky, 18 years old, with curly brown hair, that is almost afro like. He is wearing a red Rage Against the Machine shirt and cutoff blue jeans. The clock on the nightstand suddenly changes form 7:29 to 7:30, and a shrill alarm goes off loud and clear.)
LYLE: (His eyes snap open and he leaps to his feet.) It wasn't me, I swear! Chibs did it! I would never spit in the fries!! (Realises he's not at work, and calms down. He walks over to the alarm clock and hits the snooze button. The alarm continues to go off. LYLE hits it three more times to no avail. Finally he picks it up and throws it against the wall. The alarm stops.)
LYLE: (Stifling a yawn) Infernal machine... (Walks over to the pile of clothes, and collapses onto it.)
LYLE'S MOM: (From outside of room) Lyle! Wake up! It's time for school!
LYLE: (Still lying on pile of clothes. Groans) Uhhh.... I can't go today, mom. I....uh...think I'm sick! (Let's out an extremely fake sounding cough.)
LYLE'S MOM: Lyle, don't start!
(LYLE lets out a loud groan, and slowly drags himself to his feet.)
END OF SCENE
SCENE OPENS
EXT. METRO EAST PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL
(Scene opens with a panning shot of MEPHS parking lot. A blue Toyota Camry pulls into the lot, stopping in front of the main entrance of the school. COREY RYKER exits the passanger side of the car. He is a handsome 16 year old, 5'3", with spiked dishwater blonde hair. He is wearing blue jeans, and a white t-shirt with a blue overshirt. He watches as the car pulls out of the parking lot, letting out a deep sigh once it is out of sight. He then turns and enters teh school.)
INT. SCHOOL
(COREY reaches his locker, and throws his book bag into it. He shuts the locker and leans up against it, exhaling deepley, as if he's nervous about something. KATJA FARRELL walks up. She is a pretty girl, a little shorter than COREY, thin, with green eyes, and long brown hair that is tied up in a pony tail. She is wearing blue jeans and a sleeveless sky blue shirt.)
KATJA: (cheerfully) Hey, Corey.
COREY: (in a distracted tone) Hi.
KATJA: What's with you?
COREY: What do you mean?
KATJA: (Imitating him) "Hi." You seem less than cheerful.
COREY: (Gesturing around him) Yeah, well look where I'm at.
KATJA: Well, I'll give you that, but that's not what I meant. You seem nervous about something.
COREY: I'm not nervous about anything.
KATJA: (Smiles) Liar.
COREY: Well, if your going to be pushy about it-
KATJA: I'm not being pushy.
COREY: I was thinking about asking someone out.
KATJA: Oooo! Anyone I know?
COREY: Sheila Portmann.
(The two begin walking down the hall.)
KATJA: You've had a crush on her for a while, haven't you?
COREY: Since the beginning of last year.
KATJA: Well, I hope today's encounter with Ms. Portmann goes better than yesterday's.
COREY: Yeah....let's hope....
(COREY looks skyward as dreamy flashback music begins playing. Flashback scene begins: LYLE, COREY, and KATJA are standing in front of COREY's locker talking.)
LYLE: And then, the hamster flew out, and broke the other guy's nose!
KATJA: (Makes a face.) Eww... that's disgusting!
LYLE: (Rubbing his chin making a contemplative face) But true!
COREY: My question is, who's bright idea was it to light the thing on fire?
LYLE: I have a theory about that. I think that between the pain and the embarrassment he was in, the guy just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
COREY: The first thing that came to mind was to light it on fire?
LYLE: (Shrugs) Hey, people say some pretty crazy shit when they're in situations like that.
COREY: (Shaking his head.) Yeah, I guess... (Sees something that suddenly makes him stop talking. A vacant stare crosses his face.)
LYLE: What's with *that* face? (Looks in the direction COREY is. In an understanding tone.) Ohhhh...
(The camera follows COREY's gaze to show SHEILA PORTMANN chatting with some nameless student. SHEILA is a pretty girl, about 5'4" with long blonde hair, and blue eyes. She is wearing a sleevless pink shirt, and a short black skirt.)
LYLE: Two words. Ob-session.
KATJA: That's one word, Lyle.
LYLE: Quiet, you.
(The bell rings. Students begin filing towards their first hour classes. COREY begins walking, his gaze still fixed on SHEILA and not on where he is going. LYLE and KATJA do not notice this.)
KATJA: (To LYLE) Well, I guess I'm gonna head to first hour.
LYLE: Ha! Going to first hour is a sign of submission to authority. Well, screw authority! I'm staying right here! (Shouts to all the students walking by) That's right! March to your classes like trained dogs, you nazis! (Finally notices COREY walking around aimlessly) Hey, Cor, better watch where you're going before you run into a-
(COREY slams into a locker and falls to the ground.)
LYLE: (Wincing)....locker.
(After hearing the sound of COREY running into the locker, SHEILA turns to see him lying on the ground, holding his nose. She laughs and walks away.)
( Dreamy music plays again, and the flashback ends. COREY is so lost in thought from thinking about the event that happened the day before, that he fails to notice the locker he is rapidly approaching. He slams into it and falls to the ground. KATJA rushes over and helps him up.)
KATJA: Are you alright?
(LYLE enters the scene, walking up behind the two.)
LYLE: Two times in as many days. I'll tell ya, Cor, I am impressed. Those lockers are killer!
COREY: (Sarcastically) Damn, that's funny.
KATJA: Hey, Lyle.
LYLE: Hey. (Leans up against the locker COREY ran into, looking at it.) Dang, you musta ran into this thing pretty good! There's a big friggin' dent in it now. (Looks at the locker's number.) Ha! Sixty-nine! I think someone's tryin' to tell you something.
COREY: (Still being sarcastic.) Wow, you're on a roll today.
LYLE: I know. (Looks at locker again) Heh. Gotta love that sixty-nine. (Bangs on it. A voice from inside exclaims "Ow!") Ah, what do *you* know? You're just a stupid locker! (Pauses for a minute.) Wait a minute.... lockers don't talk!
(COREY rolls his eyes, and reaches past LYLE opening the locker. JENN POLTEK tumbles out. She is a short girl with long brown hair that goes down to her waist. She has brown eyes, and is wearing a long sleeved red shirt, and a green skirt.)
JENN: (Sitting on the ground, smiling weakly.) Hiya, Corey... Katja... Lyle.
LYLE: (Crossing his arms.) Well, well, well, if it isn't the nosy little eavesdropping locker gnome!
JENN: (Getting to her feet) Don't call me that!
KATJA: (To JENN) Why do you do that, anyway?
JENN: Do what?
KATJA: Sit in those lockers.
LYLE: Cause she's nosy and likes listening in on other peoples' private conversations! (To JENN) Eavesdropper!
JENN: I'm not eavesdropping! I prefer to think of it as keeping myself up to date on current events.
LYLE: And I prefer to think of it as eavesdropping!
JENN: (Shaking her head) Whatever. (To COREY) I'd be careful today, if I were you.
COREY: What, me? Why?
JENN: Well, I was in locker 275 yesteday-
LYLE: (Interrupting) Eavesdropping!
JENN: (Gives LYLE a dirty look, then continues.) When I heard Sean Williams talking to Ryan Evers. He said taht if he caught you so much as talking about his girl, Sheila, he'd kick your ass.
COREY: What?! Since when is Sheila *his* girl?!
JENN: Don't ask me. I'm just tellin' you what I heard him say.
KATJA: (To COREY) What're you going to do?
COREY: I don't care what Sean Williams says. I came to school planning to ask Sheila out, and that's exactly what I plan to do. Right after seventh hour.
KATJA: Good for you!
LYLE: Grrrr....that Sean Williams kid really pisses me off! One of these days, I'm just gonna kick his ass!
(CHRIS HICKS enters the scene, walking up behind the group. He is tall, skinny and gangly. He is wearing black slacks, a white dress shirt, tie, and suspenders. He is wearing glasses over his brown eyes, and has a crew cut. In other words, your basic nerd.)
HICKS: (In a very obnoxious tone. To LYLE) You'll kick his *what*, Mr. Grant?
LYLE: (Sarcastically) Oh, yay. It's my favorite sniveling little teacher's toady. Chris Hicks.
HICKS: (Walking up to LYLE, trying to look imposing.) I hope you didn't curse just a few seconds ago. Because that's grounds for detention! (Smiles smugly in LYLE's face.) You didn't curse... did you?
LYLE: (Bluntly) Yeah, I cursed. I said ass. As in, "Chris Hicks is an ass."
HICKS: (Fuming now) That's it! I'm reporting you to Mr. Bennting!
LYLE: (Shrugs) Go for it.
(The first hour bell rings. COREY, KATJA, and JENN all run off to their first hour classes. HICKS gives LYLE a final dirty look. LYLE merely grins at him.)
HICKS: (Angry that he's not getting ot LYLE.) You just wait, pal! You'll get your comeupance soon! Just you wait and see! (Exits scene.)
LYLE: Ah, bite me, cronie. (Exits scene.)
(The hall is empty for a few seconds. Suddenly, the door to locker 70 rattles, then bursts open, and MELANIE TIBORR tumbles out and onto the floor. She is about 5'2", and skinny, with long black hair, and brown eyes. She is wearing black jeans and a blue t-shirt, with the word "princess" written on the front.)
MELANIE: (Groans and staggers to her feet.) Corey's gonna ask Sheila out! He can't do that! He and I were meant to be together! I have to stop him! But how...... (Thinks for a minute, then snaps her fingers.) Of course! (She starts laughing maniacally.)
(HALL MONITOR LINDSEY walks up. He writes out a tardy slip then stuffs it into MELANIE's hand. She stops laughing.)
LINDSEY: Get to class, young lady. (Exits scene.)
MELANIE: Wha.... but...Mr. Lindsey! Wait a minute! (Runs off after him.)
END OF SCENE
INT. SCHOOL, ART ROOM
(Scene opens in the darkened art room. QUENTIN BENNTING is hunched over a large, hideous clay sculpture of some kind of monster. BENNTING is a thirty-something male, about 6'1" with scraggly brown hair, blue eyes, and a short beard. He is wearing a turquoise polo shirt, and black slacks. He is currently shaping the hideous monster's teeth with an exacto knife.)
BENNTING: (With a deranged smile on his face.) Soon, my creation. Soon you will be complete. Finally, all my hours of labor will have paid off!
(Suddenly, the door to the art room bursts open, and HICKS bursts in.)
HICKS: (In a loud, whining tone.) Mr. Bennting!
(BENNTING is so startled, he accidently makes a huge gash in the clay creature with his exacto knife, ruining it. He stares at it wide eyed for a second, then suddenly screams, raising both of his fists high in the air, and bringing them down hard on the squig, obliterating it. He then turns to HICKS, a look of fury on his face.)
BENNTING: (Shouting) You idiot! Look what you made me do! Do you ahve any idea how long I've been working on this?! Huh?! Do you!?!
HICKS: (Cowering in fear) I'm sorry sir! It was an accident! Please don't hurt me! Lyle Grant-
BENNTING: (Rage intensifies) Grant! I should have known he had something to do with this! That slacker is the source behind all my problems, however indirect. Tell me, Hicks, what did Grant do this time?
HICKS: (Angrily) He... he called me a bad word!
BENNTING: (Disdainfully) I'm impressed. You're not crying.
HICKS: (Proudly) Thank you, sir! (BENNTING rolls his eyes.) So... what're you going to do about Lyle Grant? Ya gonna give him a detention?
BENNTING: No.
HICKS: Good! (Then it sinks in.) No?! What do you mean no?!
BENNTING: I'm not going to waste my time giving Grant a meaningless detention, when after tommorrow, I'll never have to see him again.
HICKS: Oooo! Do you have a diabolical plan to get rid of him, sir?
BENNTING: (Smiling evilly.) Just meet me at midnight tonight at the mall in Fairview Heights. All will be explained then.
HICKS: Okay, sir. (Exits scene.)
BENNTING: (Begins laughing, softly at first, but gradually getting louder. He turns around, sees the demolished clay monster, and stops laughing.) Why did I do that? I could've fixed that hole! (Begins sobbing)
END OF SCENE
INT. SCHOOL, HALLWAY
(Scene opesn showing the empty hallways of the school. Camera then focuses on a clock in one of the halls. The clock reads 2:59. The instant it hits 3:00, the bell rings, signifying the end of seventh hour and the school day. Instantly, students begin pouring out into the halls. COREY is shown pushing his way through the crowd. He stops a few feet away form where SHEILA i slooking at a small mirror in the door of her locker, adjusting her hair.)
COREY: (Opens his mouth to speak, but then stops and shakes his head. He repeats this process twice, before finally speaking. In a small voice.) Um... hi, Sheila.
SHEILA: (Turns to look at him. Rolls her eyes when she sees who it is.) Oh... hello, Corey.
COREY: (Rubbing the back of his neck nervously) Sooo...um.. how's your day been?
SHEILA: (In an annoyed tone.) It was okay. Are we finished yet?
COREY: Not yet. There's...um... something I wanted to ask you.
SHEILA: (Looks at her watch, then puts her hands on her hips.) Fine. Make it quick.
COREY: (Nervously) If you're not doing anything tommorrow night, would you want to go see a movie or something.... (SHEILA looks at him blankly)... with me?
SHEILA: (Bursts into laughter.) I'm sorry. For a second there, I thought you were asking me out.
COREY: Ummm... I was...
SHEILA: Corey, Corey, Corey. (Puts a hand on his shoulder.) Look, I don't want to sound offensive... but I will anyway. I am waaay out of your league. I would neve, ever go on a date with someone as low a class as yourself. As a matter of fact, I'd rather be gutted by a chainsaw and have my head crushed in a vise, than go out with you. You're beneath me, Corey. Plain and simple. Need I go any further? (COREY shakes his head, a mixture of shock and sadness on his face.) Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd rather not waste any more of my time talking with you, when I could be doing something more constructive. Like chewing glass. Goodbye. (Exits scene.)
(COREY stands silently for a few seconds, not sure what just happened. Suddenly, SEAN WILLIAMS walks up behind him, spins him around, and slams him into a locker door. SEAN is your standard prep. He is good looking, with bleached blonde spiked hair, and grey eyes. He is pretty built, and is about 5'6". He is wearing a red Tommy Hilfiger polo shirt, tucked into khaki slacks.)
SEAN: (Through clenched teeth.) What the hell were you just doing?!
COREY: (Weakly) Sean... Hi... umm... what's new?
SEAN: Oh you think this is funny?! (Slams COREY into locker again.) You think that's funny?!
COREY: (Wincing in pain.) Not particularly...
SEAN: Oh, a smartass, huh? (Punches COREY in the gut, causing him to keel over. Kneels down next to him.) Listen up, smartass. You stay away from Sheila. She's mine!
COREY: (Breathin heavily) Yeah, well-
SEAN: (Slaps COREY across the face.) Shut up! You stay away form her. Got it? (COREY nods slowly.) Good. (Stands.) And to make sure you don't forget this anytime soon, I'm gonna give you something to remember it by! (Kicks COREY in the stomach, then proceeds to stomp on him.)
END OF SCENE
INT. SCHOOL, HALLWAY
A few minutes later.
(Scene opens showing LYLE walking through the hall. He passes the principal's office and stops in front of the door.)
LYLE: (Leaning in and shouting.) Well, I've survived another week of your torture, and my will is still intact! So chew on that, you communist! (Grins and continues walking.)
PRINCIPAL'S VOICE: (from within the office.) That's it, Grant! You just earned yourself yet another detention for next week!
LYLE: Fine by me, Adolf!
(KATJA rushes up to LYLE.)
KATJA: Hey, Lyle, have you seen Corey?
LYLE: Not since this morning.
KATJA: Neither have I. I wanted to ask him how things went with Sheila.
LYLE: Ah, I'm sure things went fine.
(As the two pass locker sixty-nine, the door rattles and bursts open and a bettered and bruised COREY tumbles out and onto the floor. LYLE and KATJA rush over to help him up.)
LYLE: (To COREY.) Wow, you have the worst luck with that locker.
KATJA: (To COREY.) What happened?
COREY: (Groaning.) Well... I asked Sheila out.
LYLE: Yeah, how'd that go, anyway? (COREY shoots him a dirty look.) What?!
COREY: I asked her out, alright. And not only did she decline, she said I was beneath her!
KATJA: (Sympatheticly) Awww!
LYLE: That bitch! (Thinks a moment.) Wait.... you're *beneath* her?!
COREY: Oh, it gets worse. Afterwards, Sean Williams told me to stay away from her. Then he kicked the crap outta me and shoved me in that locker.
LYLE: He shoved you in locker sixty-nine too... damn, that's freaky.
KATJA: (To COREY.) Are you going to be okay?
COREY: I think so... it's just... I didn't expect her to be so mean about this! (KATJA pats COREY on the shoulder, sympatheticly while LYLE stands rubbing his chin, a contemplative look on his face. Suddenly, he snaps his fingers.)
LYLE: I've got a great idea!
COREY: What?
LYLE: I know just how to get you to forget your sorrows! (he pauses. COREY looks at him expectantly.) The mall! (COREY rolls his eyes.) Oh, come on! There's this comic book convention going on there tommorrow. It'll be great! What do you think?
COREY: (Scoffs.) I think you've been watching Mallrats a bit too much.
LYLE: And what's wrong with that? Kevin Smith is a god!
COREY: Well, I will give you that.
(COREY, LYLE, and KATJA all turn to the camera, smile, and give a thumbs up. They then get back into character.)
LYLE: So what do ya say?
COREY: I don't know...
KATJA: Oh, come on, Cor! It sounds like it might actually be fun. It'd be better than moping all day, which I know is what you'd do if you didn't come.
COREY: (Offended.) I would not!
LYLE: Come on, Cor! It's not like you've got anything better to do.
KATJA: (Taking a hold of COREY's arm) Pleeease? Please, please, please? (With each" please" squeezes a little harder.)
COREY: Ow! Alright! Jeez, you two are pushy!
LYLE: (Smiling broadly.) I always get my way!
COREY: (Looking past LYLE.) Oh no...
(The camera follows COREY's gaze to show MELANIE walking towards the three.)
COREY: (Whispering to LYLE and KATJA.) Try not to make eye contact.
KATJA: (Whispering.) Too late! Here she comes!
MELANIE: (Walking up to COREY.) Hiya, Corey!
LYLE: (To MELANIE.) Beat it, ya single cell organism!
MELANIE: (Ignoring LYLE. To COREY.) Wow...what happened to you?
COREY: My face had an unfortunate run-in with Sean Williams's fist.
MELANIE: He hit you? He wasn't supposed to hit you!
COREY: What do you mean, "he wasn't supposed to"?
MELANIE: Well... I heard you were going to ask Sheila out... and I couldn't let you do that! You and I are destined for eachother! (COREY rolls his eyes at that last comment.) And I knew Sean wanted you to stay away from her... so I told him that you were asking her... I didn't know he was going to beat you up!
COREY: (Angry. To MELANIE.) Urrrgh! You're such an idiot! (He storms off. KATJA follows him.)
LYLE: (To MELANIE.) Slut! (Exits scene.)
MELANIE: (Calls after them.) I forgive you, Corey! (She stands alone for a minute. Suddnely, HALL MONITOR LINDSEY walks up, writes out a tardy slip and stuffs it into MELANIE's hand.)
LINDSEY: No loitering after school. (He exits the scene, while MELANIE looks at the tardy slip, dumbfounded.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
(JAY and SILENT BOB are shown standing against the white background. JAY is smoking a blunt.)
JAY: (Taking the weed out of his mouth.) What the shit was that?! That was fuckin' gay! They didn't even go to a fuckin' mall?! And where the hell were those two dumbasses that were supposed to be me and tubby's nephews?! That was the worst god damned fic I've ever read!
SILENT BOB: It's not done yet, dumbass.
JAY: What the fuck?! I thought you were supposed to be SILENT Bob. (SILENT BOB rolls his eyes. ) Anyway, my advice to you motherfuckers out there, is don't come back for the second half. Cause, even if it's twice as good as this half, it'll still suck. (Raises his eyebrows and smiles.) Unless of course you're a horny chick... then if you come back, maybe you can get down with me and.... (looks at SILENT BOB.) Actually just me. Lunchbox here is all sortsa gay! (SILENT BOB smacks him in the back of the head.) What?! You know you're all about the pole! (SILENT BOB, once again fed up, walks away.) Hey! Don't walk away from me fatass! Yeah, well fuck you too! (Follows SILENT BOB off screen. Walks back for a second.) Don't forget what I said about you horny chicks! You know you all want this shit! Naga noooootch!! (SILENT BOB walks back on and drags him off.)
(JAY and SILENT BOB walk out onto a white screen.)
JAY: I don't see how we sunk so fuckin' low as to be instigating a disclaimer. (SILENT BOB shrugs.) Anyway, Mallrat's is owned by Kevin Smith, unfortunately. (Turns to SILENT BOB.) I've pulled better things outta my ass, to be honest. And this stupid shitty excuse for a sequal is even worse. I mean fuck! We ain't even in it, except for this lame ass excuse for a disclaimer! Instead there's these two queers that are supposedly our nephews! Paul and Silent Zach! What kinda shit is dat?! I swear to God, that motherfucker author must've been high. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but fuck, there's a time and a place, ya know luchbox?
SILENT BOB: Those two (makes quotations with his fingers.) "queers" are our nephews.
JAY: God damn, there you go with that fuckin' one-liner shit again.
SILENT BOB: Jay, shut up.
JAY: Oooo! Two lines! Now I'm impressed. Fuckin homo.
SILENT BOB: Anyway, what ignoramous here forgot to mention is that he and I are also trademarks of Kevin Smith, and not author T.S. Quint, who coincidentally is also borrowing that name from Mr. Smith. Now, you may notice that this fic is probably not like any of the other Kevin Smith fic's you've ever read. Such as the fact that it doesn't have a single Kevin Smith character in it. But it was inspired by one of Kevin's many great movies, and features two characters that are very similar to shithead (points to JAY) and I, so I think you will find it enjoyable anyway, if you just give it a chance. See, this story takes place in a small town called Metro East, Illinois and the events that happent to the students of Metro East Public High School. As a matter of fact, he also has four more stories planned that take place in Metro East, and feature Paul and Silent Zach. If this story goes over well, those other's may just see light. Speaking of which, any feedback would be appreciated, but please no flames. Thank you.
JAY: Heh... you said flames. (SILENT BOB rolls his eyes.) Fuck man, that was the most queer assed thing I ever heard you say.... " please no flames. Thank you!" God, you's just gettin' gayer and gayer every day! (SILENT BOB, fed up with hearing JAY, walks off.) Hey! Don't walk away, motherfucker! I ain't done yellin' at you yet! (walks off after him.) And what's with callin' me a shithead, fatass?!
Cast of Characters
Lyle Grant: A senior at Metro East Public High School, Lyle is the ultimate slacker and consumate mallrat. When not at school or at work, sleeping, he's at home playing video games or watching movies (mostly Kevin Smith movies *wink wink*) or reading comic books. The often sarcastic Lyle is best friends with Corey Ryker, and arch nemesis to Quentin T. Bennting, MEPHS's sinister art teacher.
Corey Ryker: A sophomore at MEPHS, Corey is actually a halfway decent student. However, after being rejected by Sheila Portmann, a girl Corey had a major crush on, he takes to hanging out at the mall, with his best friend Lyle Grant, to try to forget his problems.
Katja Farrell: A freshmen at MEPHS, Katja is good friends with both Corey and Lyle, despite the fact that she is the complete opposite of both of them. Katja goes to the mall with Lyle and Corey to try and help Corey cheer up. She finds Corey's negative attitude a little irritating.
Paul and Silent Zach: The ultimate juvenile delinquents, and nephews of the infamous Jay and Silent Bob of New Jersey fame, Silent Zach is the quiet type, while Paul is, well, not. Paul and Zach, when there not at school (which is frequently) they're at the mall, either loitering, sticking their noses in other peoples' business, or generally causing trouble.
Quentin Bennting: The villain of our story, Bennting is the evil art teacher at MEPHS, and has had it in for Lyle since day one. Constantly plotting evil things, he is assisted by senior, and ultimate flunky, Chris Hicks.
Sheila Portmann: A pretty, but extremely snobby sophomore at MEPHS, Sheila is the object of Corey's affection. However, when Corey asks her out, she rudely declines, instead hooking up with Sean Williams, one of Corey's most hated foes.
Sean Williams: A sophomore at MEPHS, and big time prep, Sean Williams is Corey's arch enemy, especially now that he has stolen Sheila away from our protaganist.
Chris Hicks: A senior at MEPHS and the ultimate teachers' pet, Chris spends most of his time helping Bennting plot against Lyle.
Jarrett Ryker: Corey's younger cousin, Jerret hangs out at the mall constantly. Particularly outside the Victoria's Secret store, trying to, as he so elequintly puts it, "pick up chicks." He is also the one to go to for information on the goings on at the mall.
Melanie Tiborr: An extremely annoying freshmen, Melanie has a huge crush on Corey. She is constantly pestering out protagonist, despite his obvious dislike for her. The horror!
Jason Phelps: Jason is a worker at the mall, more specifically at the comic store on the second floor of the mall. He hates his job, but for some reason, continues working there. He finds his co-worker, Erik's lack of respect for the customers to be very irritating.
Erik the Red: Erik also works at the comic store. He has a blatant lack of respect for anyone and everyone, and is not afraid to show it. He has a particularly strong dislike for Paul and Silent Zach.
Dean Ponivas: Ponivas, or Ponti, as he is more commonly called, works at the comic shop with Mercer and Erik. He works constantly day and night, and goes absolutely berserk when ever anyone so much as mentions Pokemon cards.
Jenn Poltek: A little freshmen, Jenn likes to hang out inside lockers and eavesdrop on other people's conversations. Which is why Lyle has dubbed her "The Locker Gnome."
OPENING
EXT. MALL
(Camera pans around parking lot of Fairview Heights Mall, getting shots of all the entrances. LYLE GRANT's voice is heard giving the monologue.)
LYLE: This, ladies and gentlemen is a mall. Now I know what you're thinking.... "Ooo! A mall! How special!" in an extremely sarcastic tone. Well this isn't just any mall! (Scene switches to inside of mall, panning past all of the stores.) No, this is the mall to end all malls! In this very mall, my best friend fell in love twice, my worst enemy had his greatest moment of triumph, and I got framed for stealing. And all the while there was a comc book convention going on! In the mall! If you want to hear how this whole thing went down, sit down, shut the hell up, and listen. If not, go into the nearest restroom, bend over, and screw yourself!
(Scene fades to black. Title and Opening credits play.)
INT. LYLE'S ROOM
(Scene opens showing shot's of LYLE's room. There are clothes strewn about lying in piles everywhere, as well as comic book, empty soda bottles, bags of chips, etc. The bed in the middle of the room is unmade and empty. To the right of the bed is a nightstand with a digital alarm clock on it that reads 7:29 AM. To the right of the bed, laying on a particularly larg pile of clothes sleeping is LYLE GRANT. He is about 6'2", thin and lanky, 18 years old, with curly brown hair, that is almost afro like. He is wearing a red Rage Against the Machine shirt and cutoff blue jeans. The clock on the nightstand suddenly changes form 7:29 to 7:30, and a shrill alarm goes off loud and clear.)
LYLE: (His eyes snap open and he leaps to his feet.) It wasn't me, I swear! Chibs did it! I would never spit in the fries!! (Realises he's not at work, and calms down. He walks over to the alarm clock and hits the snooze button. The alarm continues to go off. LYLE hits it three more times to no avail. Finally he picks it up and throws it against the wall. The alarm stops.)
LYLE: (Stifling a yawn) Infernal machine... (Walks over to the pile of clothes, and collapses onto it.)
LYLE'S MOM: (From outside of room) Lyle! Wake up! It's time for school!
LYLE: (Still lying on pile of clothes. Groans) Uhhh.... I can't go today, mom. I....uh...think I'm sick! (Let's out an extremely fake sounding cough.)
LYLE'S MOM: Lyle, don't start!
(LYLE lets out a loud groan, and slowly drags himself to his feet.)
END OF SCENE
SCENE OPENS
EXT. METRO EAST PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL
(Scene opens with a panning shot of MEPHS parking lot. A blue Toyota Camry pulls into the lot, stopping in front of the main entrance of the school. COREY RYKER exits the passanger side of the car. He is a handsome 16 year old, 5'3", with spiked dishwater blonde hair. He is wearing blue jeans, and a white t-shirt with a blue overshirt. He watches as the car pulls out of the parking lot, letting out a deep sigh once it is out of sight. He then turns and enters teh school.)
INT. SCHOOL
(COREY reaches his locker, and throws his book bag into it. He shuts the locker and leans up against it, exhaling deepley, as if he's nervous about something. KATJA FARRELL walks up. She is a pretty girl, a little shorter than COREY, thin, with green eyes, and long brown hair that is tied up in a pony tail. She is wearing blue jeans and a sleeveless sky blue shirt.)
KATJA: (cheerfully) Hey, Corey.
COREY: (in a distracted tone) Hi.
KATJA: What's with you?
COREY: What do you mean?
KATJA: (Imitating him) "Hi." You seem less than cheerful.
COREY: (Gesturing around him) Yeah, well look where I'm at.
KATJA: Well, I'll give you that, but that's not what I meant. You seem nervous about something.
COREY: I'm not nervous about anything.
KATJA: (Smiles) Liar.
COREY: Well, if your going to be pushy about it-
KATJA: I'm not being pushy.
COREY: I was thinking about asking someone out.
KATJA: Oooo! Anyone I know?
COREY: Sheila Portmann.
(The two begin walking down the hall.)
KATJA: You've had a crush on her for a while, haven't you?
COREY: Since the beginning of last year.
KATJA: Well, I hope today's encounter with Ms. Portmann goes better than yesterday's.
COREY: Yeah....let's hope....
(COREY looks skyward as dreamy flashback music begins playing. Flashback scene begins: LYLE, COREY, and KATJA are standing in front of COREY's locker talking.)
LYLE: And then, the hamster flew out, and broke the other guy's nose!
KATJA: (Makes a face.) Eww... that's disgusting!
LYLE: (Rubbing his chin making a contemplative face) But true!
COREY: My question is, who's bright idea was it to light the thing on fire?
LYLE: I have a theory about that. I think that between the pain and the embarrassment he was in, the guy just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
COREY: The first thing that came to mind was to light it on fire?
LYLE: (Shrugs) Hey, people say some pretty crazy shit when they're in situations like that.
COREY: (Shaking his head.) Yeah, I guess... (Sees something that suddenly makes him stop talking. A vacant stare crosses his face.)
LYLE: What's with *that* face? (Looks in the direction COREY is. In an understanding tone.) Ohhhh...
(The camera follows COREY's gaze to show SHEILA PORTMANN chatting with some nameless student. SHEILA is a pretty girl, about 5'4" with long blonde hair, and blue eyes. She is wearing a sleevless pink shirt, and a short black skirt.)
LYLE: Two words. Ob-session.
KATJA: That's one word, Lyle.
LYLE: Quiet, you.
(The bell rings. Students begin filing towards their first hour classes. COREY begins walking, his gaze still fixed on SHEILA and not on where he is going. LYLE and KATJA do not notice this.)
KATJA: (To LYLE) Well, I guess I'm gonna head to first hour.
LYLE: Ha! Going to first hour is a sign of submission to authority. Well, screw authority! I'm staying right here! (Shouts to all the students walking by) That's right! March to your classes like trained dogs, you nazis! (Finally notices COREY walking around aimlessly) Hey, Cor, better watch where you're going before you run into a-
(COREY slams into a locker and falls to the ground.)
LYLE: (Wincing)....locker.
(After hearing the sound of COREY running into the locker, SHEILA turns to see him lying on the ground, holding his nose. She laughs and walks away.)
( Dreamy music plays again, and the flashback ends. COREY is so lost in thought from thinking about the event that happened the day before, that he fails to notice the locker he is rapidly approaching. He slams into it and falls to the ground. KATJA rushes over and helps him up.)
KATJA: Are you alright?
(LYLE enters the scene, walking up behind the two.)
LYLE: Two times in as many days. I'll tell ya, Cor, I am impressed. Those lockers are killer!
COREY: (Sarcastically) Damn, that's funny.
KATJA: Hey, Lyle.
LYLE: Hey. (Leans up against the locker COREY ran into, looking at it.) Dang, you musta ran into this thing pretty good! There's a big friggin' dent in it now. (Looks at the locker's number.) Ha! Sixty-nine! I think someone's tryin' to tell you something.
COREY: (Still being sarcastic.) Wow, you're on a roll today.
LYLE: I know. (Looks at locker again) Heh. Gotta love that sixty-nine. (Bangs on it. A voice from inside exclaims "Ow!") Ah, what do *you* know? You're just a stupid locker! (Pauses for a minute.) Wait a minute.... lockers don't talk!
(COREY rolls his eyes, and reaches past LYLE opening the locker. JENN POLTEK tumbles out. She is a short girl with long brown hair that goes down to her waist. She has brown eyes, and is wearing a long sleeved red shirt, and a green skirt.)
JENN: (Sitting on the ground, smiling weakly.) Hiya, Corey... Katja... Lyle.
LYLE: (Crossing his arms.) Well, well, well, if it isn't the nosy little eavesdropping locker gnome!
JENN: (Getting to her feet) Don't call me that!
KATJA: (To JENN) Why do you do that, anyway?
JENN: Do what?
KATJA: Sit in those lockers.
LYLE: Cause she's nosy and likes listening in on other peoples' private conversations! (To JENN) Eavesdropper!
JENN: I'm not eavesdropping! I prefer to think of it as keeping myself up to date on current events.
LYLE: And I prefer to think of it as eavesdropping!
JENN: (Shaking her head) Whatever. (To COREY) I'd be careful today, if I were you.
COREY: What, me? Why?
JENN: Well, I was in locker 275 yesteday-
LYLE: (Interrupting) Eavesdropping!
JENN: (Gives LYLE a dirty look, then continues.) When I heard Sean Williams talking to Ryan Evers. He said taht if he caught you so much as talking about his girl, Sheila, he'd kick your ass.
COREY: What?! Since when is Sheila *his* girl?!
JENN: Don't ask me. I'm just tellin' you what I heard him say.
KATJA: (To COREY) What're you going to do?
COREY: I don't care what Sean Williams says. I came to school planning to ask Sheila out, and that's exactly what I plan to do. Right after seventh hour.
KATJA: Good for you!
LYLE: Grrrr....that Sean Williams kid really pisses me off! One of these days, I'm just gonna kick his ass!
(CHRIS HICKS enters the scene, walking up behind the group. He is tall, skinny and gangly. He is wearing black slacks, a white dress shirt, tie, and suspenders. He is wearing glasses over his brown eyes, and has a crew cut. In other words, your basic nerd.)
HICKS: (In a very obnoxious tone. To LYLE) You'll kick his *what*, Mr. Grant?
LYLE: (Sarcastically) Oh, yay. It's my favorite sniveling little teacher's toady. Chris Hicks.
HICKS: (Walking up to LYLE, trying to look imposing.) I hope you didn't curse just a few seconds ago. Because that's grounds for detention! (Smiles smugly in LYLE's face.) You didn't curse... did you?
LYLE: (Bluntly) Yeah, I cursed. I said ass. As in, "Chris Hicks is an ass."
HICKS: (Fuming now) That's it! I'm reporting you to Mr. Bennting!
LYLE: (Shrugs) Go for it.
(The first hour bell rings. COREY, KATJA, and JENN all run off to their first hour classes. HICKS gives LYLE a final dirty look. LYLE merely grins at him.)
HICKS: (Angry that he's not getting ot LYLE.) You just wait, pal! You'll get your comeupance soon! Just you wait and see! (Exits scene.)
LYLE: Ah, bite me, cronie. (Exits scene.)
(The hall is empty for a few seconds. Suddenly, the door to locker 70 rattles, then bursts open, and MELANIE TIBORR tumbles out and onto the floor. She is about 5'2", and skinny, with long black hair, and brown eyes. She is wearing black jeans and a blue t-shirt, with the word "princess" written on the front.)
MELANIE: (Groans and staggers to her feet.) Corey's gonna ask Sheila out! He can't do that! He and I were meant to be together! I have to stop him! But how...... (Thinks for a minute, then snaps her fingers.) Of course! (She starts laughing maniacally.)
(HALL MONITOR LINDSEY walks up. He writes out a tardy slip then stuffs it into MELANIE's hand. She stops laughing.)
LINDSEY: Get to class, young lady. (Exits scene.)
MELANIE: Wha.... but...Mr. Lindsey! Wait a minute! (Runs off after him.)
END OF SCENE
INT. SCHOOL, ART ROOM
(Scene opens in the darkened art room. QUENTIN BENNTING is hunched over a large, hideous clay sculpture of some kind of monster. BENNTING is a thirty-something male, about 6'1" with scraggly brown hair, blue eyes, and a short beard. He is wearing a turquoise polo shirt, and black slacks. He is currently shaping the hideous monster's teeth with an exacto knife.)
BENNTING: (With a deranged smile on his face.) Soon, my creation. Soon you will be complete. Finally, all my hours of labor will have paid off!
(Suddenly, the door to the art room bursts open, and HICKS bursts in.)
HICKS: (In a loud, whining tone.) Mr. Bennting!
(BENNTING is so startled, he accidently makes a huge gash in the clay creature with his exacto knife, ruining it. He stares at it wide eyed for a second, then suddenly screams, raising both of his fists high in the air, and bringing them down hard on the squig, obliterating it. He then turns to HICKS, a look of fury on his face.)
BENNTING: (Shouting) You idiot! Look what you made me do! Do you ahve any idea how long I've been working on this?! Huh?! Do you!?!
HICKS: (Cowering in fear) I'm sorry sir! It was an accident! Please don't hurt me! Lyle Grant-
BENNTING: (Rage intensifies) Grant! I should have known he had something to do with this! That slacker is the source behind all my problems, however indirect. Tell me, Hicks, what did Grant do this time?
HICKS: (Angrily) He... he called me a bad word!
BENNTING: (Disdainfully) I'm impressed. You're not crying.
HICKS: (Proudly) Thank you, sir! (BENNTING rolls his eyes.) So... what're you going to do about Lyle Grant? Ya gonna give him a detention?
BENNTING: No.
HICKS: Good! (Then it sinks in.) No?! What do you mean no?!
BENNTING: I'm not going to waste my time giving Grant a meaningless detention, when after tommorrow, I'll never have to see him again.
HICKS: Oooo! Do you have a diabolical plan to get rid of him, sir?
BENNTING: (Smiling evilly.) Just meet me at midnight tonight at the mall in Fairview Heights. All will be explained then.
HICKS: Okay, sir. (Exits scene.)
BENNTING: (Begins laughing, softly at first, but gradually getting louder. He turns around, sees the demolished clay monster, and stops laughing.) Why did I do that? I could've fixed that hole! (Begins sobbing)
END OF SCENE
INT. SCHOOL, HALLWAY
(Scene opesn showing the empty hallways of the school. Camera then focuses on a clock in one of the halls. The clock reads 2:59. The instant it hits 3:00, the bell rings, signifying the end of seventh hour and the school day. Instantly, students begin pouring out into the halls. COREY is shown pushing his way through the crowd. He stops a few feet away form where SHEILA i slooking at a small mirror in the door of her locker, adjusting her hair.)
COREY: (Opens his mouth to speak, but then stops and shakes his head. He repeats this process twice, before finally speaking. In a small voice.) Um... hi, Sheila.
SHEILA: (Turns to look at him. Rolls her eyes when she sees who it is.) Oh... hello, Corey.
COREY: (Rubbing the back of his neck nervously) Sooo...um.. how's your day been?
SHEILA: (In an annoyed tone.) It was okay. Are we finished yet?
COREY: Not yet. There's...um... something I wanted to ask you.
SHEILA: (Looks at her watch, then puts her hands on her hips.) Fine. Make it quick.
COREY: (Nervously) If you're not doing anything tommorrow night, would you want to go see a movie or something.... (SHEILA looks at him blankly)... with me?
SHEILA: (Bursts into laughter.) I'm sorry. For a second there, I thought you were asking me out.
COREY: Ummm... I was...
SHEILA: Corey, Corey, Corey. (Puts a hand on his shoulder.) Look, I don't want to sound offensive... but I will anyway. I am waaay out of your league. I would neve, ever go on a date with someone as low a class as yourself. As a matter of fact, I'd rather be gutted by a chainsaw and have my head crushed in a vise, than go out with you. You're beneath me, Corey. Plain and simple. Need I go any further? (COREY shakes his head, a mixture of shock and sadness on his face.) Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd rather not waste any more of my time talking with you, when I could be doing something more constructive. Like chewing glass. Goodbye. (Exits scene.)
(COREY stands silently for a few seconds, not sure what just happened. Suddenly, SEAN WILLIAMS walks up behind him, spins him around, and slams him into a locker door. SEAN is your standard prep. He is good looking, with bleached blonde spiked hair, and grey eyes. He is pretty built, and is about 5'6". He is wearing a red Tommy Hilfiger polo shirt, tucked into khaki slacks.)
SEAN: (Through clenched teeth.) What the hell were you just doing?!
COREY: (Weakly) Sean... Hi... umm... what's new?
SEAN: Oh you think this is funny?! (Slams COREY into locker again.) You think that's funny?!
COREY: (Wincing in pain.) Not particularly...
SEAN: Oh, a smartass, huh? (Punches COREY in the gut, causing him to keel over. Kneels down next to him.) Listen up, smartass. You stay away from Sheila. She's mine!
COREY: (Breathin heavily) Yeah, well-
SEAN: (Slaps COREY across the face.) Shut up! You stay away form her. Got it? (COREY nods slowly.) Good. (Stands.) And to make sure you don't forget this anytime soon, I'm gonna give you something to remember it by! (Kicks COREY in the stomach, then proceeds to stomp on him.)
END OF SCENE
INT. SCHOOL, HALLWAY
A few minutes later.
(Scene opens showing LYLE walking through the hall. He passes the principal's office and stops in front of the door.)
LYLE: (Leaning in and shouting.) Well, I've survived another week of your torture, and my will is still intact! So chew on that, you communist! (Grins and continues walking.)
PRINCIPAL'S VOICE: (from within the office.) That's it, Grant! You just earned yourself yet another detention for next week!
LYLE: Fine by me, Adolf!
(KATJA rushes up to LYLE.)
KATJA: Hey, Lyle, have you seen Corey?
LYLE: Not since this morning.
KATJA: Neither have I. I wanted to ask him how things went with Sheila.
LYLE: Ah, I'm sure things went fine.
(As the two pass locker sixty-nine, the door rattles and bursts open and a bettered and bruised COREY tumbles out and onto the floor. LYLE and KATJA rush over to help him up.)
LYLE: (To COREY.) Wow, you have the worst luck with that locker.
KATJA: (To COREY.) What happened?
COREY: (Groaning.) Well... I asked Sheila out.
LYLE: Yeah, how'd that go, anyway? (COREY shoots him a dirty look.) What?!
COREY: I asked her out, alright. And not only did she decline, she said I was beneath her!
KATJA: (Sympatheticly) Awww!
LYLE: That bitch! (Thinks a moment.) Wait.... you're *beneath* her?!
COREY: Oh, it gets worse. Afterwards, Sean Williams told me to stay away from her. Then he kicked the crap outta me and shoved me in that locker.
LYLE: He shoved you in locker sixty-nine too... damn, that's freaky.
KATJA: (To COREY.) Are you going to be okay?
COREY: I think so... it's just... I didn't expect her to be so mean about this! (KATJA pats COREY on the shoulder, sympatheticly while LYLE stands rubbing his chin, a contemplative look on his face. Suddenly, he snaps his fingers.)
LYLE: I've got a great idea!
COREY: What?
LYLE: I know just how to get you to forget your sorrows! (he pauses. COREY looks at him expectantly.) The mall! (COREY rolls his eyes.) Oh, come on! There's this comic book convention going on there tommorrow. It'll be great! What do you think?
COREY: (Scoffs.) I think you've been watching Mallrats a bit too much.
LYLE: And what's wrong with that? Kevin Smith is a god!
COREY: Well, I will give you that.
(COREY, LYLE, and KATJA all turn to the camera, smile, and give a thumbs up. They then get back into character.)
LYLE: So what do ya say?
COREY: I don't know...
KATJA: Oh, come on, Cor! It sounds like it might actually be fun. It'd be better than moping all day, which I know is what you'd do if you didn't come.
COREY: (Offended.) I would not!
LYLE: Come on, Cor! It's not like you've got anything better to do.
KATJA: (Taking a hold of COREY's arm) Pleeease? Please, please, please? (With each" please" squeezes a little harder.)
COREY: Ow! Alright! Jeez, you two are pushy!
LYLE: (Smiling broadly.) I always get my way!
COREY: (Looking past LYLE.) Oh no...
(The camera follows COREY's gaze to show MELANIE walking towards the three.)
COREY: (Whispering to LYLE and KATJA.) Try not to make eye contact.
KATJA: (Whispering.) Too late! Here she comes!
MELANIE: (Walking up to COREY.) Hiya, Corey!
LYLE: (To MELANIE.) Beat it, ya single cell organism!
MELANIE: (Ignoring LYLE. To COREY.) Wow...what happened to you?
COREY: My face had an unfortunate run-in with Sean Williams's fist.
MELANIE: He hit you? He wasn't supposed to hit you!
COREY: What do you mean, "he wasn't supposed to"?
MELANIE: Well... I heard you were going to ask Sheila out... and I couldn't let you do that! You and I are destined for eachother! (COREY rolls his eyes at that last comment.) And I knew Sean wanted you to stay away from her... so I told him that you were asking her... I didn't know he was going to beat you up!
COREY: (Angry. To MELANIE.) Urrrgh! You're such an idiot! (He storms off. KATJA follows him.)
LYLE: (To MELANIE.) Slut! (Exits scene.)
MELANIE: (Calls after them.) I forgive you, Corey! (She stands alone for a minute. Suddnely, HALL MONITOR LINDSEY walks up, writes out a tardy slip and stuffs it into MELANIE's hand.)
LINDSEY: No loitering after school. (He exits the scene, while MELANIE looks at the tardy slip, dumbfounded.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
(JAY and SILENT BOB are shown standing against the white background. JAY is smoking a blunt.)
JAY: (Taking the weed out of his mouth.) What the shit was that?! That was fuckin' gay! They didn't even go to a fuckin' mall?! And where the hell were those two dumbasses that were supposed to be me and tubby's nephews?! That was the worst god damned fic I've ever read!
SILENT BOB: It's not done yet, dumbass.
JAY: What the fuck?! I thought you were supposed to be SILENT Bob. (SILENT BOB rolls his eyes. ) Anyway, my advice to you motherfuckers out there, is don't come back for the second half. Cause, even if it's twice as good as this half, it'll still suck. (Raises his eyebrows and smiles.) Unless of course you're a horny chick... then if you come back, maybe you can get down with me and.... (looks at SILENT BOB.) Actually just me. Lunchbox here is all sortsa gay! (SILENT BOB smacks him in the back of the head.) What?! You know you're all about the pole! (SILENT BOB, once again fed up, walks away.) Hey! Don't walk away from me fatass! Yeah, well fuck you too! (Follows SILENT BOB off screen. Walks back for a second.) Don't forget what I said about you horny chicks! You know you all want this shit! Naga noooootch!! (SILENT BOB walks back on and drags him off.)