Teach me Loving

© Anne-Katrin Clemens 2008

She wasn't dead inside. She just wasn't. Or was she? How could he dare talk to her like this. He didn't know her at all. He couldn't know what was going on inside her. Or could he?

On her way home she considered every single word, Hank had said to her that night. She had told herself over and over again that he was wrong, but truth was, she couldn't deny the fact that she had indeed trouble showing her feelings. It wasn't as if she was really dead inside, she knew better than that, but it was as if throughout her life she had built up a wall around her heart to protect herself from getting hurt. She'd been getting hurt too often in the past, she just couldn't let that happen again.

When Hank was talking to her in the way he just did, she could feel the anger rise inside. Everything that was bottled up inside her had come to the surface, the ugly side of her, as she considered it. But she couldn't help herself when the words began tumbling out. Now she regretted her emotional outburst in front of the barkeeper out of fear that it would soon make round in town.

As the mild night air caressed the skin of her face and reddened her cheeks she wondered if she would ever be able to show Sully just how much he meant to her. He had told her so many times, shown her so many times how much he loved her, to still her insecurities. But she had still trouble letting out her feelings due to her proper upbringing. She scolded herself. She couldn't just blame her social background for this. In reality she had pretty much an active part in this process of isolation of emotions. Somewhere along the way she had willingly given up sharing every single emotion, showing her feelings in order to shut the pain and anger out, knowing very well that she would as well shut the love and joy out.

She knew that she missed those times when she could let the tears flow freely, when she could just laugh out loud I the middle of the street, but she felt on the safe side now. No. She had felt on the safe side. Now she was fearing that after all these years she might have forgotten how to open up, how to let those emotions show. Yet she knew that Hank had just managed to break through to her soul, to let her guard drop. He had driven her over the edge and make her anger burst.

When the homestead appeared in sight she didn't know if she was glad about being home, being in safe surroundings or if she would rather continue to enjoy the solitude out here. Knowing that she would have to tend to the children she spurred on Flash and soon arrived in the yard of their home. Quickly leading her horse into the barn and tending to it, she went inside to find the children almost ready for bed.

It was rather late and Colleen had cooked for her brothers and herself.

"Ma." Brian came running towards her as soon as she stepped through the door and shed her coat.

"Hey." She caressed the little blond head and gave him a quick kiss on his hair. "Thank you Colleen." She cast her adoptive daughter a thankful glance and put her medical bag down on the table.

"I've saved you some supper, Dr. Mike." The young girl set a dish in front of the lady doctor and then took herself a seat beside her.

"How is Hank?" Matthew asked sitting on the other end of the table, having been here to look after his two siblings as long as Dr. Mike was still in town. Although he enjoyed their company he was eager to leave for his own home. But still he wanted to know if the barkeeper was alright, knowing he worried his new Ma pretty much.

"I think he is going to be alright. I wasn't able to tell though if he had been drinking or if something else was wrong with him. He wouldn't let me come near him." She rolled her eyes at Hank's stubbornness, knowing it would be quite a fight to get him to a check up.

"Probably been drinking. Anyways, gotta go. Night all." Giving his siblings and Dr. Mike a warm hug, he left the homestead and rode home. Soon the sound of his horse disappeared in the distance. Colleen noticed how tired her Ma looked so she took matters in her own hands and told Brian to go to bed.

"Night ma. I love you."

"Night, Dr. Mike."

"Good night, children. I love you too." She smiled warmly at her children, thankful for the free time she would have after they would have gone to sleep. She knew she probably should get sleep herself but with those thoughts still troubling her, she decided to have some tea out on the porch.

When her tea was brewed and the children were sound asleep, she carefully shut the door behind her and sat down on the front steps of the porch. Looking up into the star-filled sky, she took a heavy breath. The night was mild, so she had left her coat in the house. The warm cup in her hands warmed her palms, but she relished the light chill in the air that cooled the rest of her body somewhat down. Her day had been hectic and giving her body time and the opportunity to cool down felt relaxing. Leaning down against the handrail she closed her eyes and savoured the peace of the moment. It was in moments like this that she was glad she had come out here in the first place. The Western frontier. She had to smile. Not once had she found a place in Boston that would let her listen to the song of the breeze and look up in the crystal clear sky. She could have sat out there all night.

She didn't hear the footsteps nor noticed him sitting down next to her, so when she opened her eyes she jumped and almost dropped her cup.

"Sully, what are you doing here?" she asked, not angry, but slightly upset at him for scaring her like this.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle ya. Figured you might be out here, so I came to keep ya company." His innocent smile warmed her heart and made her forget about her momentarily discomfort.

"How did you know that I would be out here?" She turned slightly towards him to see his face a little bit better.

"Just figured. Knowing ya, is all." He shrugged his shoulders. She smiled at him. Yes, he certainly knew her. But with him being here now, her thoughts quickly returned to Hank's words and her doubts and insecurities about her relationship with Sully or rather about her ability to play an active part in this relationship. Sighing heavily she redirected her gaze to her cup.

"What's wrong?" Sully asked having heard her sigh.

"Hmm?" Not getting his question, she didn't really know what he meant.

"Ya seem upset about something. Whacha thinkin'? Is Hank still troublin' ya?" He grew worried that something was seriously wrong with Hank, not only because he had been he one injuring him, but also because he was something like a friend, well because he cared about him.

"No," She hesitated, "well, yes, it's just...it's nothing..."

"Somethin' wrong with him?"

"No, I think he will be alright. At least he doesn't seem to be suffering any further damage."

"That's good though, ain't it?" He didn't quite understand what was really worrying her.

"Yes, that is good." She shrugged her shoulders, not knowing how she should, if she should tell Sully what Hank had said earlier. She wasn't even sure if she wanted Sully to know.

"So what is it? Did he do something? Or did he say something to upset ya?" Sully knew Hank well enough to know that his remarks might have upset her or that he might have done something inappropriate. From the look on her face he could tell that he was guessing right. "What did he do?"

"Nothing," she breathed heavily, "he just said some things...well, not so nice things."

"Ya know him, he's always been like that. I've never seen you being troubled so deeply by that." It was more a question than a statement and Michaela knew that know there was no way to go back, she had to tell Sully.

"I know. But it was different this time. He wasn't just rambling. I think he might be right with what he said. But the thing is that I don't want him to be right. There is some truth in what he said, but it sill hurts." Though she had raised her eyes to look at Sully she had lowered her gaze back to the ground as she continued talking.

Sully grew worried about her. Hank really did seem to have hit a nerve this time. "Wanna tell me what he said that upset ya so?" he asked softly, laying his arm around her shoulder and drawing her near.

"He said I was dead inside." she whispered low, her voice barely audible, but Sully could hear her well enough.

"Hey, look at me." He was rather pleading her than ordering her around. Lifting her head with his thumb under her chin he forced her to look at him. "Ya really been worried about that?" He couldn't hide his smile.

"Don't laugh at me, Sully. I'm serious." She was slightly hurt, thinking that Sully wasn't taking her worries serious. Setting the cup down in the ground she turned her head away from him.

"Of course, and I ain't laughin' at ya, but at the fact that Hank don't know ya as I do."

"What do you mean?" Her gaze returned to him, curious as to what he meant.

"Just look at ya. You been worrying so much about this, you really think you're dead inside? And look how you're acting with your patients and those kids." He mentioned towards the door with his head. "I don't think you're dead inside, but pretty alive." With that he moved in to kiss her softly. "There's a fire in your eyes, there's a fire in here," he lay his hand on her chest meaning to motion to her heart, " that is burning brighter than I've ever seen in anyone before. There's nothing dead about ya."

When she felt his hand on her chest she thought she could feel this fire he was speaking of. There was a warmth inside, a tingling feeling that was quickly spreading through her whole body. When he took his hand away she almost wished he didn't. And she wished she could just tell him so. When he leaned back she looked directly into his eyes.

"You know that I love it, when this fire in you eyes is just for me? I can see the desire in ya, and I know how hard it is for ya to let that show. But I think you're doin' pretty good."

She felt her heart beating loudly in her chest at his words and the desire to kiss him overpowered her doubts. Quickly she leaned in and pressed her lips against his.

"I love you." she murmured against his lips.

Sully moved his other hand to her face and cupped her cheek, cherishing their moment. With Michaela not holding back, the kiss quickly deepened as they both felt the desire to express their love. Michaela needed to make sure she could show him her love.

"Teach me, Sully," she breathed into his hot mouth as her hand grasped his and slowly moved it to her breast, "Teach me loving you."

Sully leaned back as he heard the desperation in her voice but looking into her desire filled eyes and seeing the flushed cheeks and swollen lips, he knew she was sincere about this.

"Michaela." He said softly before his lips returned to hers, his hand lightly caressing her clothed breast.

She felt as if her whole body was afire. Having him touch her like this felt different than she had imagined, better. And it didn't feel wrong or inappropriate. His hand was tender and loving and she felt secure in his embrace. Her hands moved on their own account, soon finding heir way under his shirt and caressing the bare skin of his side and lower back.

"You alright?" Sully asked between kisses, when he had to catch his breath.

"Yes..." She couldn't say more, but the look in her eyes told him everything he needed to know.

Shifting closer to her, he lay one arm around her waist, while the other one started to open the top buttons of her blouse. Sliding his fingers down the exposed skin he felt her trembling, shivering with pleasure. Smiling, he continued and open some more buttons. He then slid his hand inside her opened blouse and caressed her through the thin material of her camisole.

"Sully" she breathed again, her voice cracking with emotion. She felt body react to his touch and wanted nothing more at this moment than to feel his hand on her bare skin. She wanted to feel it all. This wasn't anymore about showing him her love, but more about her experiencing these deep emotions, this fiery desire she wouldn't have dared imagine. Moving her hands back from his body to her camisole to open the buttons for him, she granted him access to an area where no one had ever touched her before.

She looked at him to make sure this was alright, when she saw the hesitation written on his face, the unsureness she whispered quietly, "Please." Pleading him to touch her.

Though still unsure where this was leading he followed her request and touched her for the first time, all the while staring at her face, gauging her reaction.

Her eyes widened at the new feeling, the unknown contact. This felt like heaven. She didn't know what him touching her could do. Her head moved back into him, pressing her lips hard against his, opening his mouth and quickly deepening the contact, while her hands returned to their former position under his shirt, caressing his hot skin. She no longer paid attention to anything around her and she wasn't careful about where things were leading. She was relishing the moment with him, finally realizing how far she was from being dead or frozen inside.

When a sound inside the homestead was heard, the both of them broke apart, still breathless from their encounter. Michaela quickly buttoned up her camisole and blouse. Sully used this time to straighten her hair, smoothing it behind her ears.

"Thank you." she whispered, her voice full of emotion. Sully knew she meant more than just his help with rearranging her hair.

"Thank you." He replied.

"I have to go inside." She said guiltily.

"No problem. I'll see you tomorrow. Love ya." Giving her a last quick kiss for this evening, he stood up bringing her with him. "Good night."

"Good night, Sully." She smiled at him while she took her cup and backed up against the door, disappearing through it.

Sully waited until she had closed the door before he headed back to his lean-to. Michaela on the other hand leaned against the door from inside the homestead. Her eyes were closed as she tried to calm her racing heart. This night had definitely turned out different, better, than she had thought. She sighed when she heard another sound. Opening her eyes, she saw Brian getting up and coming over to her.

"Ma, can I have something to drink." the little boy asked sleepily.

"Sure Brian." She filled him a glass with water and then sent him back to bed, before she turned down the lamp on her night stand and allowed herself to lie down and fall into a deep slumber, dreaming of this night and possible nights to come.