get some // a death note one-shot

A/N: It makes me sad that I've never written fan fiction for one of my favorite series ever. And what makes me sadder is that this will probably be the last one I write for it ever, rofl.
Warnings: Hints of slash, general stupidity.

"God, I need some sex."

Mello gave Matt a weird look. "What? You need sex? Why?"

Matt set his PSP on his lap, not even attempting to conceal a very over-exaggerated yawn. "Because I'm bored and I'm a growing boy. Ass is like calcium for all these weird teenage hormones. Waaaaaait—don't tell me you're the big V, Mello…"

"Of course I'm not. Do I look like a virgin to you?" He motioned to his leather-clad body. Matt had to admit, Mello's attire always gave him dirty thoughts. Not that he was gay or in love with his best friend or anything, just, if he were ever given the change to tap that, he would. Hard. The leather and chains pretty much signified a liking of bondage. And, frankly, Matt was up for anything.

"I've forced myself on TONS of chicks," Mello went on. "Not too pleasant. It kind of seemed they enjoyed it more than I did. Which, considering the circumstances, is pretty damn messed up."

"We should go pick up some girls, then!" Matt said. "At a club or something! Those places are FULL of bitches and hoes!"

"Aren't you desperate…"

"Hell yes I am! I'm going through withdrawal symptoms as we speak. So put on your best looking dried cow skin and let's HOP TO IT.

---------------------

Mello and Matt made sure to stop by the dirtiest club possible. They ended up a little place called "Unclean Black Hole." They decided not to question the title.

The music was booming and the people were half-naked. It smelt like sex and drugs and a little like freshly chopped fruit. The two exchanged terrified looks. Matt was a little more enthusiastic, though.

"Damnnnnn!" Matt laughed. "Lookie here! This place is hardcore!"

"It looks like if you touch anything, you'll get hepatitis," Mello observed, shuddering. "Let's just stay here by the bar, okay? The girls will just have to come to us."

"Oh, they WILL come to us. Like you said, we're next to the bar. And booze is their fuel. We'll try to seduce whoever comes up first, okay?"

"And if it's a GUY…? What, are we supposed to sleep with him, too?"

"Sure, if he's willing…or even if he's not!"

"…"

"Speak of the devil! Some chicks are coming…! LOOK HOT."

A group of women came parading up to the bar—four of them. They wore skirts that might as well have been belts and tops that looked more like bras. Their faces were caked with powder and their eyes pretty much leaked eyeliner. Mello noted they reeked of "new car smell," even though, clearly, they had been ridden before.

"Hey, ladies!" Matt greeted. "You come here often?"

None of them seemed to be paying attention. So, as you would, Matt kept on firing away.

"Hey, Ginger! Does the carpet match the drapes? Yo, Blondie! Are you from Tennessee, because you're the only ten I see! If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? WHERE ARE YOUR WINGS, YOU ANGELS?!!"

"You're quite the smooth talker," Mello muttered, rolling his eyes.

"I don't see YOU trying to pick any of them up! At least TRY."

"Alright, alright." Mello turned to the woman, who seemed to be waiting in line to order drinks. "Uh…so do any of you want to have sexual intercourse with me?"

Heads whipped around. Mello was greeted with beaming smiles by not just the girls he was trying to flirt with, but by EVERYONE in line. And they cordially accepted the request, too. They said things like, "Are you like, sixteen? I won't tell nobody if YOU won't!" and "That burn mark is a HUGE turn-on for me!"

Mello grinned as he faced his friend, who looked absolutely pissed. "You know, if THAT didn't work, I would've asked who'd like to make an extra ten bucks."

"Shut the hell up. Lucky try. You get your pick-up lines from Near anyway, you dumbass."

"Yeah, I did. He used that gem on me a few years back. I pretty much reacted the same way, too. But, except for smiling, I took my pants off." Mello shrugged.

"…"

The End.