Author Commentary

R. Lively: Tee hee, this chapter was way too much fun.

J. LaBeouf: Poor poor Izuru...

Chapter 3

The Evil Revealed! The Dreaded Mary Sue!

Thousands of miles away, thousands of devoted fanfiction writers were busy typing away at their keyboards. Suddenly, an alarm sounded throughout the facility, making many jump up in alarm.

"Oh my God! It's a Code Sue, Level 1!" A voice shouted. Mass panic broke out over the writers, some fainting and other crying hopelessly.

"A Level 1! That's impossible! We've never had something so serious in almost a century!" Another voice cried. Chaos ensued as writers began panicking and screaming, but through the hysteria, a voice boomed over the writers, making them silent.

"SILENCE!" The voice thundered. The writers immediately stopped, looking toward their administrator for guidance. He cleared his throat, sitting back in his chair.

"It would seem a rebellious group of Mary Sues have gone so far as to completely invade and alter the fanfiction world of a beloved anime." He explained. A timid voice interrupted.

"But why!? Why would they do such a thing!?" The voice sobbed. The administrator's brow furrowed, deep in thought.

"The only thing that would cause such madness is a fangirl and her rabid cult who have become so enamored by the bishieness of this anime that they would go to such an extent as a full blown invasion."

"You mean that group?!" A voice cried out.

"Yes, that group." He bellowed. Several more writers fainted or screamed.

"My sister is in that group!" One wailed, agonized sobs escaping her.

"There is only one thing that can be done. We must send out two of our top writers to take control of this situation before the consequences become catastrophic!" He declared. Shocked gasps and more fainting along with cheers of approval rippled throughout the room.

"SEND THEM IN!" He ordered, pointing a finger at the door dramatically. There was a long pause. Some writers whispered to each other. Finally one spoke up.

"Did anyone tell them we were meeting today?"

The administrator slapped a hand to his forehead.

"Goddammit." He muttered.

oOo

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…

"Dude, I just wrote something stupid."

"Lulz, can I read it?"

"Heh heh, sure."

A small beeping noise sounded, then a screen popped up.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU TWO!?" The administrator roared, making the two writers fall over from the force of his yell.

"Eh? Wha?" One moaned, a computer mouse wedged in her ear.

"'Choo talkin' bout, boss?" The other asked. The administrator roared again, sending the writers flying again.

"GET THE F--K BACK HERE NOW! WE HAVE A CODE SUE, LEVEL 1!" He demanded, the screen then blinking off. The writers looked at each other.

"Dude, I didn't know it censored language. Heh heh, that's cool."

"Heh heh, totally."

A pause hung in the air.

"OH SNAP! A CODE SUE, LEVEL 1!" They exclaimed in unison.

oOo

Meanwhile, in Soul Society, a week had passed since the disappearances and the Shinigami Women's Association had decided to call a meeting. There was no order as the women talked over each other, concerned over the disappearances.

"I'm worried about Ken-chan! He could be lost!" Yachiru cried hopelessly. Nanao patted her shoulder.

"There, there, President. I'm sure we all are worried." Nanao then looked at the end of the table, seeing Izuru.

"Why are you here?" She snapped. He looked uncomfortable.

"Matsumoto-san brought me, I'm worried too." He murmured. Matsumoto looked serious.

"I figured that if we keep at least one guy with us, we can monitor him and see if he disappears." She explained. Izuru looked horrified.

"What?!"

"Then if he does, we might know who's behind it!" She concluded happily. Izuru looked despondent. Nanao ignored her, looking at the rest of the females.

"We have received intelligence from the Living World from Yoruichi-san that disappearances have occurred there as well. She reported that a total of four men disappeared without a trace: Kurosaki Ichigo, Yasutora Sado, Ishida Uryū, and Urahara Kisuke."

The women stared at her in shock. Rukia looked devastated.

"This can't be happening, who would do such a thing?!" She demanded, tears in her eyes. Nanao sighed.

"I don't know, but there's not much we can do for now. Let's just adjourn the meeting and hope for the best." She sighed. Yachiru was inconsolable and clung to Nanao.

"Waaaah! Where's Ken-chan!?" She wailed. Nanao tried to comfort the small shinigami but to no avail.

As everyone started out the door, there was a sudden surge of such immense spiritual pressure it shook all of Seireitei.

Wh-what is this…!? Rukia gasped, falling to her knees from the immense pressure. Matsumoto and Izuru paused, trying to withstand the overwhelming force.

What is this…?! It feels like someone's spiritual pressure, but it feels…flowery…? Izuru thought, puzzled. As soon as it had started, it stopped. The group looked around confused. Izuru saw a squad member walk casually by. He grabbed his sleeve, pulling him back.

"What was that? Did you feel that?" He asked anxiously. The man looked confused.

"What are you talking about?" He answered politely. Izuru was about to question him again when Hisagi Shuhei of Squad 9 appeared.

"Lieutenant Isai-san!"

"Is everything okay? There was this sudden wave of spiritual pressure!" Hisagi exclaimed, looking over the group to survey the damage. The women all looked at each other.

"We all felt it, but I'm not sure that everyone else did." Unohana Retsu observed. Confusion rippled over the group until Ikkaku and Yumichika of Squad 11 appeared.

"Lieutenant! Zaraki-taichou has returned!" They announced. A great shining joy bloomed over Yachiru's face, her eyes shining.

"Ken-chan is back!" She squealed, leaping through the air. Ikkaku's hand stretched out and caught her in mid air by the collar.

"Wait! Something's not right about the captain…" He started, looking away from Yachiru.

"What? What's wrong with Ken-chan?" She asked, still smiling. Yumichika interjected.

"That's not all. All of the missing persons have reappeared but no one seems to have noticed. It's very odd." He explained, straightening an eyebrow.

"That's not even the half of it!" Hisagi continued, "Ichimaru Gin has returned as well!"

A look of pure shock passed over each member's faces.

"Taichou…?" Izuru murmured. He took off from the group at a sprint.

"Kira! Wait!" Matsumoto shouted after him, but he was gone.

"Follow him! We don't know what might happen!" Nanao ordered. Half the group took off after him. Yachiru started for the Squad 11 barracks, desperate to see her captain. Ikkaku and Yumichika raced after her.

"Lieutenant!" They yelled in unison.

Izuru continued sprinting faster, desperate for the truth. He turned a corner but stopped, his eyes widening. A group of the oddest looking girls he had ever seen stood before him, as if looking for something. Then one spotted him and let out an ungodly squeal.

"Oh my God! It's Izu-chan! Eeeiii!" She shrieked. The mass of girls turned and squealed, racing towards him. Izuru saw his life flash before his eyes.

Wh-wha…? He thought. Then impulse took over and he started to run faster than he had ever run before.

"Taichou! Matsumoto-san! Save me!" He cried, tears coursing down his face. The girls only continued their mad dash for him screaming and squealing.

"Eeii! Rape-bait! He's so kawaii!"

Then, the unthinkable happened, Izuru tripped. It was as if he was seeing the world fall in slow motion. The girls were instantly upon him.

Is this the end…? He wondered hopelessly. Just when he believed he was a goner for certain, a hand reached out to him, pulling him from the massive pile of over-active teenage hormones.

"Hiya Izuru." A familiar impolite voice said.

"T-taichou…?" Izuru looked up at his captain with a mix of shock and gratitude. The girls instantly stopped their wild banter and stared with expectant eyes. Izuru turned to look back at the girls, stepping back from them.

"What are they?" He asked, horrified. Ichimaru grinned.

"They won' harm ya…" He murmured, his arms encircling Izuru, "as long as I'm around."

Izuru stiffened in shock, pulling away from his captain.

"What are you doing?!" He shouted in alarm. Ichimaru kept grinning, reaching for him.

"C'mon, don' ya trust me? I missed ya Izuru…" He hummed, his fingertips brushing Izuru's cheek. Izuru let out a wild scream and ran, his arms flailing in the air.

"Help me! My captain's gone insane!" He screamed. The girls let out a loud noise of disappointment. Ichimaru waved a hand at the girls.

"It's okay there, besides," he turned toward Izuru's retreating form, "it's mo' fun if he runs…"

oOo

Meanwhile, Yumichika and Ikkaku were following their lieutenant when Izuru shot past them, screaming madly. They stopped, looking after his speed lines and dust trail.

"What the? The hell's gotten into Kira?" Ikkaku wondered. Another form shot past them.

"I'm gonna get ya!" Ichimaru sang, racing after the screaming Izuru. Yumichika and Ikkaku stared after them, eyes wide as saucers.

"Wha…?" Ikkaku started, but a squeal sounded behind them. They turned to see the group of girls staring at them with wide, sparkling eyes.

"Oh my God! It's Iki-chan and Yumi-chan!" They shrieked. A look of disgust crossed Yumichika's perfectly groomed face.

"What are those ugly things?" He muttered. Ikkaku looked horrified.

"No idea, but if any of 'em come near me, I'm gonna kill the shit out of 'em." He snapped. The girls squealed and launched their attack, splitting into two groups. Ikkaku raised his zanpakutou but suddenly, out of nowhere, a figure appeared. A girl with brown hair and scary eyes stood before the girls, blocking them from Ikkaku.

"His beautiful skinhead belongs to ME!" She roared, raising a kendo stick. The girls ignored her warning and continued their squealing assault. She let out a low laugh, and then raised her weapon with a battle cry matching that of a samurai warrior. With one swing, she sent the mass of girls flying, making each explode in a puff of colorful sparkles. She sighed, as a warrior would after a fierce battle, and then looked back at Ikkaku. He was stunned.

"Who the hell are you?" He asked, confused, then pointed an accusing finger, "Don't tell me you're one of them?!"

She smiled suddenly, her face bright and shining.

"I'm Asano Mizuho, your future wife, darling!" She announced proudly. She blew him a kiss, then promptly disappeared. Ikkaku stared for a moment, not quite sure what to do.

Yumichika, on the other hand, had led the group that was chasing him away from his comrade. He then turned to fight.

"I'm done with running! …I just hope they don't touch me." He said worriedly. The girls launched into the air ready to tackle him.

"We'll be as beautiful as you if not prettier too!" They cried in utter joy. He smirked.

"Oh? As beautiful as me?" He muttered. Then spread his arms wide, flipping his hair from side to side.

"No one can be as beautiful as I!" He declared, a bright shining light emanating from him. Blinded by the unimaginable power of his good grooming, they exploded, one by one. His initial attack did not completely wipe out the assault, a few remaining girls lay on the ground, their eyes burning. He began pointing randomly at the remaining girls.

"You! Do you even wash your face?! And you! What ugly split ends! You call those piercings!? And you! Who has baby blue hair?!" He thundered. The girls cried out in pain, exploding into sparkling dust. A silence hung in the air, a breeze blowing the sparkling dust away. Yumichika stood staring for a moment, then flipped his hair while turning away.

"There's only room for one as beautiful as I in this world." He huffed with finality.

oOo

Hisagi Shuhei had broken from the gruop and was running toward the Squad 9 barracks.

Maybe, since Izuru's captain is back, maybe mine is too…He thought, but his thoughts were interrupted when he crossed paths with a strange looking woman. She was clad in skintight leather, covering her from head to pointed toes. Her hair was slicked back in a high ponytail and she was wielding a whip. When she saw him, she licked her lips.

"There you are Shu-chan, I've been waiting for you." She smiled seductively, cracking the whip. He looked startled.

"Who are you?" He asked, eyeing the whip nervously.

"Hee hee, I'm Mistress Sakura and you've been a bad boy Shu-chan." She cooed. Hisagi became very nervous, the woman starting toward him.

"Uh, no I haven't, Mistress Whip—I mean Sakura?" He answered, backing away from the whip he was still very focused on.

"Oh yes you have been!" She giggled again, bending the whip, "Look at you, you're just begging to be punished! You even have your collar on and everything!"

"No, really! I'm fine! Thank you!" He faltered, starting to back away faster. She grinned devilishly.

"Oh yes you have! Look at that tattoo! Maybe if you're a good little boy, Momma will let you do it to her!" She crooned. At that statement, Hisagi turned tail and ran for his life. She let out a squeal and chased after him, cracking the whip wildly.

"Come back here you sexy thing!"

"Help me!" He yelped. He raced down an alley, almost colliding with Izuru. They both stared at each other for a split second, and then took off in the same direction.

"What's your problem?!" Hisagi shouted to him.

"My captain is trying to rape me!" Izuru cried, abject fear in his eyes, "And you?!"

"Apparently, I've been a bad boy!" Hisagi yelled as the sound of the whip cracked in the air.

"Iiiizuuruuu! Ya can't run fo'ever!" Ichimaru's voice sang to him. That made Izuru run even faster than before.

"The hell I can!" He cried.

"Don't talk! Run faster!" Hisagi thundered, the whip cracking behind him, the woman squealing in delight.

oOo

The disturbances occurring in Seireitei did not go undetected. It had attracted the attention of the captain of Squad 12 Kurotsuchi Mayuri. He had been monitoring the abnormal presence of spiritual pressure inside one of the laboratories.

"Hmm, all this spiritual pressure is causing quite a fuss for some of the shinigami…such an odd spirit signature, I've never seen the likes of it before…" He pondered to himself, watching the monitor. Then he noticed one of the small dots representing the unusual spiritual presence depart from the rest.

"Ahh, interesting." He noted, seeing it heading straight for the Bureau of Research and Technology. He stood up, drawing his sword.

"One of them is coming straight here, I might as well greet my new test subject." He grinned wickedly. A split second after he finished his sentence, the door opened. The sight he beheld at first stunned him. It appeared to be a woman, a ridiculous looking one at that. She had shockingly white hair, her skin pale and covered with scars, and her eyes black with gold irises. She was dressed in what appeared to be a skintight electric pink nurse uniform. She looked at him with a crazed smile.

"I found you Mayu-chan." She sang eerily. He smiled.

"That you did, come here now." He urged, ushering her towards him. She happily complied.

"Hee hee, you can 'experiment' on me all you want, if you know what I mean." She giggled. He continued smiling, taking the unusual girl's hand.

"And so I shall." He answered. She attempted to embrace him when he pulled her forward, stabbing his sword through her, the point emerging through her back. She gasped, blood dribbling past her lips.

"Foolish girl, I am no bishounen. You should have known better." He said, dragging her toward a table, "And now, to see what makes you work."

oOo

Hisagi and Izuru were coming dangerously close to being caught. Hisagi looked at Izuru, a serious look in his eyes.

"Izuru! You keep running! I'll take care of this woman and then I'll come back for you!" He ordered. Izuru looked worried.

"Don't leave me! Please Isai-san!" He begged.

"Listen to me, I'm older and I know what to do!" He roared. Izuru obeyed, sobbing hysterically. Hisagi turned, dodging Ichimaru who was now singing some rather inappropriate rhyme involving Izuru. The woman saw Hisagi's stance and grinned wickedly.

"Oh?! Ready to be spanked you bad, bad boy?!" She squealed, leaping into the air, raising the whip. He gripped the hilt of his sword tightly, waiting for the right moment.

"It is you who is going to be spanked! You've been a very bad girl!" He thundered, drawing his sword and slashing the woman in two. She screamed and burst into a flurry of red sparkles, covering him and making him cough.

"Ah, now to save Izuru." He turned and darted after the retreating shinigami and his insane stalker.

Izuru was weakening steadily, his lungs burning from trying to stay one step ahead of his insane captain.

"Gettin' tired Izuru? I won' punish ya too much if ya stop now!" Ichimaru assured him. Izuru screamed.

"SOMEONE HELP ME!" He dove through a window, rolling and then standing quickly. He looked back to see if his captain had followed and to his horror, saw him looking in through the window, a wide grin across his face.

"Oh? Looks like I caught ya. That there door is blocked." He chuckled. Izuru looked around in utter fear, realizing there was no way of escape. Ichimaru gripped the sides of the window, ready to leap.

"Tag! Yo' it!" He sang, soaring through the air at Izuru. Izuru let out one final scream, but a loud crack interrupted him. Izuru opened one eye cautiously, trembling madly. Matsumoto was in front of him; her sword still sheathed but it had apparently been used as a bat to knock Ichimaru out of the air. He was lying flat on the floor, out cold. Izuru dropped to his knees, his arms around her waist.

"Thank you Matsumoto-san!" He wept pitifully. She huffed irritably, fluffing her hair.

"He deserved it." She pouted.

"How dare you interfere!" a voice snapped. Both looked around for the source of the voice, their eyes widening.

"What the…?" They said in unison. A woman, looking exactly like Matsumoto except she was tan, had lighter hair, and purple eyes, was glaring at them.

"I'll teach you to interfere!" She shrieked.

To be continued...

Author Commentary

R. Lively: ZOMG! PLOT TWIST!

J. LaBeouf: Aw boo, no more Ichigo to talk to... -points dramatically- LET'S USE THOSE GUYS INSTEAD:D

Hisagi: Huh?

Kira: Wha?

R. Lively: PREVIEW OF INTENSE QUICKNESS! NEXT TIME! THE EVIL DOERS ARE FINALLY REVEALED! HEARTS ARE BROKEN AND GENERAL UNPLEASANTNESS ENSUES!

J. LaBeouf: ZOMG!! EPICNESS!

Kira and Hisagi: ...why are we here again?