Author Commentary:

R. Lively: This bit of nonsensical crack was cooked up by myself but I could not have come up with enough ideas if it weren't for my co-conspirator Jade.

Jade LaBeouf: Yay!

R. Lively: Indeed.

Jade LaBeouf: Mary Sues are the devil! And this proves it!

The Mary Sue Attack on Bleach!

Collaborated by

Rynnette Lively and Jade LeBeouf

Prologue

Thousands of years ago, shortly after the invention of the Internet, a foul being was born. Such a being was rumored to bring down society if left unattended, but many underestimated the sheer level of power it possessed. So, as the centuries passed, this being and its kind grew in number and power. Soon, it was too late to stop them…

Chapter 1

Disappearance! Invasion of Soul Society!

It was a breezy and relaxing day in Seireitei, leaving none to suspect something dangerous was approaching. Kurosaki Ichigo and his companions had departed the Spirit World the previous day and peace was steadily returning the realm of souls to its normal state.

Outside the Squad 4 barracks, one Yamada Hanatarou was sweeping the dust from the stone walkways. The sun beat down on the poor Squad 4 member, making him drowsy and prone to heatstroke.

"Ah, I hope Ichigo-san and his friends made it back home alright." He wondered, wiping the sweat from his brow. He started sweeping again, sighing softly.

"This is going to take awhile. I wish someone would help me." He moped. Suddenly, a cheerful voice sounded behind him.

"I can help you!" A girl said to him. He turned to look at her.

"Oh thank you so much! I—" He started, then things blackened and he lost consciousness.

oOo

Several hours later, Squad 6 Captain Kuchiki Byakuya was walking amongst the tranquility of the cherry trees. The petals slowly swirled around the law-abiding captain, leading some to believe he was using his Senbonzakura. As he walked, Captain Unohana of Squad 4 approached him.

"Ah, Kuchiki-taichou, good morning to you." She said politely. Byakuya nodded a reply to her.

"Good morning Unohana-taichou." He replied, continuing to walk.

"Have you seen Squad 4, seventh seat Yamada Hanatarou? I can't seem to find him." She asked.

"Forgive me but I have not." He answered stoically. She sighed.

"Ah well, please inform me if you see him, Kuchiki-taichou." She asked. He nodded and she left his presence. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shape hiding behind one of the trees. At first glance, he thought it to be Rukia, but then the shape peered from behind the tree again, making his eyes widen.

"Hisana?" He whispered to the air, changing his direction and striding toward the trees. He followed what appeared to be his deceased wife, disappearing into the trees to follow. Finally, he caught her, spinning her around to look at her. Then his eyes widened.

"You! You're not Hisana! You're a—" He started, but his sight blurred and he started to fall.

oOo

It did not take long for the other members of the Gotei 13 to notice a prominent captain had disappeared. The lieutenant of Squad 6, Abarai Renji, searched frantically for his captain with Kuchiki Rukia. Captain Unohana reported having seen Kuchiki Byakuya walking near the cherry trees outside of the Squad 6 barracks. Without a moment's hesitation, Renji and Rukia raced to the scene of the disappearance. For over an hour, they searched for clues with other members of Squad 6. Finally, tempers rose and Renji let out an irritated yell.

"Dammit! Where the hell did Kuchiki-taichou go!?" He roared, punching a tree in fury. Rukia touched his arm, trying to reassure him.

"Calm down Renji, I'm just as worried about Nii-sama as you…" She murmured. He looked at her.

"I'm not worried about him! He just better not be dead or I won't be able to beat him and prove that I'm stronger!" He thundered. Rukia stared at him in disbelief, and then punched him, sending him reeling.

"Stupid Renji! I hate you!" She cried, leaving his side to search another section of the courtyard, disappearing from his sight. Feeling guilty for not considering her feelings, he started after her, but something tugged on his sleeve.

"Wait! I know where he is!" A voice said. Renji looked at her.

"Huh? Who're you?" He asked gruffly, having never seen the girl before. She giggled wildly, an air of unhealthy cheerfulness to her.

"I'm a member of Squad 6, just like you!" She explained. He stared at her.

"Eh? I've never seen you before…" He commented. She continued smiling, but a gleam of malice was in her ridiculously blue eyes.

"Follow me! I know where Captain Kuchiki is!" She exclaimed, dragging Renji with her.

"Ah! Wait! Shouldn't we have someone come with us?" He asked. She gripped his wrist tighter.

"No time! Hurry!" She squealed. Renji could feel something disturbingly wrong about the girl. He tried to pull his wrist away, but she had him in an iron-grip. She looked back at him, her inhumanly blue eyes burning.

"What's the matter? Don't you trust me?" She asked, her voice speaking with an eerie tone. Renji tried to call out for help, but his vision blackened and he could no longer speak.

oOo

Inside the Squad 13 barracks the two third seats squad members Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsueaki Sentaro were briefing Captain Ukitake Jushiro on the recent disappearances of Kuchiki Byakuya, Yamada Hanatarou, and now Abarai Renji. Ukitake's brows furrowed as he listened to their reports at his bedside.

"Hmm, I wonder if this could be the work of former captain of Squad 5, Aizen Sosuke." He pondered. Sentaro perked up immediately.

"I agree with you completely taichou! It must be Aizen! It—" He started, but was interrupted by Kiyone.

"I agree with you more Ukitake-taichou! It has to be Aizen!" She exclaimed. Sentaro glared at the woman.

"You're only saying that because I said it!" He thundered. She glowered at him.

"Am not! I was thinking of it before you even said it!" She argued. Ukitake remained oblivious to the two third seats' arguing, continuing to think of who would want to kidnap a captain, a lieutenant, and a low ranking squad member. The door slid open with a clack suddenly, a member of Squad 6 appearing.

"Ukitake-taichou! Clues were found that might be able to tell us where Kuchiki-taichou, Abarai, and Yamada disappeared to!" He explained quickly. Ukitake looked at the two third seat members.

"Go quickly and search with them, come back to me in an hour with a report!" He ordered. They straightened quickly, saluting their captain.

"Hai taichou!" They exclaimed, following the Squad 6 member. Kiyone stopped for a moment and poked her head back to look at Ukitake.

"Unohana-taichou will be coming by shortly to look after you taichou!" She told him, then ran off again. Ukitake sighed and laid back on the futon, having nothing to do but wait.

Minutes later, the door slid open again, soft footsteps coming toward his room. He sat up, looking toward the source.

"Unohana-taichou? I was told you'd be coming by to take care of me." He said cheerfully. The door slid open and his eyes widened.

"What? You're not Unohana-taichou. Who are—" He tried to say, but in a flash the woman was at his side, a needle stabbing into his arm. A gasp of pain escaped him, unconsciousness clouding his mind. The needle slid out of his arm.

"Don't you worry at all…I'm going to make you better now…" An eerily soothing voice whispered.

oOo

Outside the Squad 8 barracks, Captain Kyouraku Shunsui was enjoying a cup of sake while lying in the sunshine. Word had traveled quickly around Seireitei about the disappearances and he should have been helping, but nothing seemed to bother him too terribly about the disappearances yet. His lieutenant, Ise Nanao, appeared by his side, a book tucked under her arm as usual.

"Kyouraku-taichou! Why aren't you helping the search parties!" She grumbled. He pulled his hat over his eyes.

"They'll turn up soon, don't worry about it. It's only three people that have disappeared." He said lazily. Her eyes narrowed.

"Apparently you weren't told."

"Told what?" He asked playfully.

"Captain Ukitake Jushiro is missing too." She said, fixing her glasses. His eyes widened and he was on his feet in a flash.

"What!? Form a search party quickly!" He ordered, already drawing his zanpakutou. She sighed.

"We already have! Taichou! Slow down!" She yelled, following him. Nanao tried to keep up with her over-enthusiastic captain but he turned a corner and was soon out of sight. He trotted from the Squad 8 barracks quickly, a look of determination on his face. Then he realized he did not know where to go.

"Nanao-chan! Where do I go?" He asked, turning to look at her. He stared at her for a moment then scratched his head.

"Maybe I've drank too much, but when did you dye your hair blonde?" He asked, confused. The woman smiled, taking his arm.

"Hurry! We have to find Captain Ukitake!" She explained, tugging him along. He followed with little resistance. Then remembered that his lieutenant never made physical contact with him unless she was hitting him.

"Wait a minute, this isn't right…" He started. The woman turned to face him and grabbed his face, kissing him roughly. He made a noise of protest before an odd, dizzy feeling overcame him. His eyes closed slowly as his mind faded to blackness.

oOo

Word that three captains and a lieutenant had disappeared was now spreading like wild fire all over Seireitei. No one seemed to care that a member of Squad 4 had disappeared. Captain of Squad 11, Zaraki Kenpachi, paid little notice to the news of the disappearances. His lieutenant, Kusajishi Yachiru, seemed to pay little mind as well. Third seat Mandarame Ikkaku and Fifth seat Ayasagawa Yumichika seemed mildly bothered by the news.

"Who cares if a member of Squad 4 goes missing, it's the disappearing captains that's makin' me wonder." Ikkaku commented. Yumichika fluffed his hair.

"It's worrisome that whomever is doing this is kidnapping someone as beautiful as Kuchiki-taichou. It worries me that they'll come after the most beautiful person in Seireitei." He said anxiously. Kenpachi snorted derisively.

"It doesn't matter to me who's behind it. They're weak. I can't even feel their spiritual pressure." He growled. Yachiru appeared at his shoulder.

"But Ken-chan can't sense spiritual pressure anyway!" She exclaimed, oblivious to her blatant honesty. Ikkaku and Yumichika looked tensely at their captain, afraid he would fly off the handle. He only grinned frighteningly.

"Hm, well if they decide to ever show themselves I'll kill them easily." He bellowed dangerously. Ikkaku and Yumichika let out a careful sigh of relief. Suddenly, a voice yelled a message inside the Squad 11 barracks.

"Captain Zaraki! Ichigo Kurosaki has appeared in Rukongai!" The voice called out. In a flash, Kenpachi was standing, Yachiru tumbling off his back.

"Ichigo, eh? Time to settle the score once and for all!" He thundered, a demonic smile on his face. Ikkaku and Yumichika dove out of their captain's path as he shot past them out the doors. Yachiru tried to follow after her captain.

"Ken-chan! Wait for me!" She cried, but he was gone in an instant. Ikkaku and Yumichika poked their heads out the door to search for their captain.

"Damn, he really wants to kill Ichigo, huh?" Ikkaku commented. Yumichika straightened his hair carefully.

"The captain always makes such an ugly exit when he wants to kill something." He quipped. Yachiru looked worried.

"That's weird. I can't feel Ken-chan's spiritual pressure anymore." She pointed out. Ikkaku and Yumichika noticed the strange disappearance as well.

"That's not right, you can always sense the captain's pressure." Ikkaku hissed tensely. Yumichika looked at the sky overhead.

"I sense something ugly is behind this…" He murmured.

oOo

Meanwhile in Hueco Mundo, Ichimaru Gin was adjusting to life in Las Noches. A sigh slid out of him.

"I really don' wanna go to Aizen-sama's tea party. Damn, that guy likes his tea." He muttered, looking out a window over the desert scenery. He allowed himself to think about those he had known before he had left with Aizen and Tosen.

"Hm, wonder how Izuru's doin'." He pondered. Then he thought about Matsumoto.

"I'm startin' to miss Rangiku…" He pouted. A knock sounded on his door, making him turn and look toward it with surprise.

"Hullo? That you Tosen?" He asked, opening the door. Suddenly, he was embraced forcefully, a squeal sounding in the air from his captor.

"Ah! The hell!?" He protested, looking at his assailant. His eyes opened wide, his smile disappearing.

"Rangiku!?" He gasped. The woman grinned.

"Nope! Better than her!" She exclaimed. He tried to push the imposter away, but then a black bag covered his head, and a sharp pain stabbed into his arm. He tried to fight off the woman, but soon fell unconscious. The woman held him close, grinning madly.

"I'm much better…my breasts are bigger than hers…" She cooed insanely, a mad gleam in her eyes.

oOo

Back in Seireitei, a total of five captains had disappeared, making the citizens frantic and out of control. Chaos ensued as fear gripped the general public. Squad 10 Captain Hitsugaya Toushiro felt it now his duty to restore peace. Following clues from the scenes of the disappearances and talking to several members of the squads who had lost captains, Hitsugaya could not figure out what had taken the missing persons. He had sent his lieutenant out to search for any other possible clues and had not seen her since. He made one last sweep of the crime scenes but turned up only a theory.

"Hmm, according to Unohana-taichou, Yamada Hanatarou was working outside the Squad 4 barracks when he disappeared without a trace. Kuchiki-taichou had been walking near the Squad 6 barracks when something made him dart off into the trees. He then disappeared, followed by Abarai Renji, who had been part of a search party with Kuchiki Rukia. Then Ukitake-taichou disappeared from his bed after two of his squad members had spoken to him. When word spread that he had disappeared, Kyouraku-taichou quickly joined the search specifically for Ukitake-taichou. Lieutenant Ise said he disappeared as soon as he was out of her sight. Then finally, Zaraki-taichou disappeared after a message was given to him, saying Kurosaki Ichigo had appeared in Rukongai. Hmm…this is peculiar. Who could be doing this?" He wondered, his eyebrows furrowing as he thought hard. He suspected Aizen might have had something to do with it, but it seemed unlikely he would make a move so soon after his betrayal. He also noted that the only victims had been men. His thoughts were interrupted when a member of Squad 10 appeared and ran toward him.

"Excuse me Hitsugaya-taichou, but I thought I'd come and tell you this personally." The squad member said between breaths. Hitsugaya raised an eyebrow.

"What is it? Has another captain disappeared?" He asked quickly. The boy shook his head.

"No, no, it's not that. I just, uh…" He looked away from the captain, scratching the back of his head, "I saw Hinamori-san of Squad 5 near the Squad 5 barracks."

Hitsugaya's eyes widened.

"Momo's awake?!" He exclaimed. He disappeared from the squad member and hastily made his way to the Squad 5 barracks. Finding them, he looked around for Momo, seeing nothing. Then he heard a faint sound. Finding former Squad 5 Captain Aizen's room, he opened the door to find Momo crying softly, half concealed by the shadows.

"Momo! What are you doing?! You're supposed to be recovering from your wounds!" He thundered. She turned to look at him, her eyes full of tears. He paused a moment, something not quite right.

"Wait, you're not Momo!" He snapped, drawing his sword. She was on him in a flash, her lips kissing his cheek.

"Wha?! What the—?!" He yelled, trying to push her off. His grip slackened on his sword as an overwhelming need to sleep was imbued into his mind. The girl smiled down at him, her eyes glowing frighteningly.

oOo

Things had become bleak for Soul Society, valued members having disappeared without a trace. Unbeknownst to the inhabitants, the evil was only just beginning, its list of victims needing to be completed elsewhere…

To be continued...

Author Commentary:

R. Lively: Wasn't that fun?

Jade LaBeouf: Wheeeeee:3

R. Lively: Indeed.

Ichigo: What about a preview?

R. Lively: ...Do we have space for that?

Jade LaBeouf: 30 SECOND PREVIEW BLOCK! NEXT TIME! THINGS LOOK BAD FOR SOUL SOCIETY BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE REST?! WILL THE HUMAN WORLD BE TARGETED NEXT?! ICHIGO BETTER WATCH HIS BACK!

Ichigo: Wha? Hey! I'm right here!

R. Lively: Next time! Attack on the Living World! The Mysterious Evil Continues!

Authors: ON BLEACH!!

Ichigo: ...