Who's Your Daddy?

Co-authored by: Kiminator Mark XII

Co-authored by: 3VAD127

Zuko was feeling very fruity today. Very, very fruity indeed. So, in all his awesome fruity-ness, he decided to embark on an epic quest across the vastness of the forest… to find firewood. Because apparently the Avatar in all his glowy, almighty glory couldn't handle it on his own. Yeesh.

His light footsteps crackled along the dirt path as he stepped on a few dried up leaves. It was a nice day, actually. The wind was blowing, the sun was shining, nothing had been completely destroyed yet…

"SNEAK ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!"

Zuko calmly held up his free arm, and Sokka slammed into his hand. The Water Tribe warrior lay on the ground, moaning.

"What was that for?!?"

"You were the one stupid enough to try and jump me."

"I'm not stupid!"

"Yes you are."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah, just ask Toph."

"OK… wait THAT'S NOT FAIR!!"

The Fire Prince laughed and continued picking up firewood. Sokka got up and rubbed his manly man-hair, which was conveniently pulled back into a warrior's wolf tail.

"Dude, what's up with your hair?"

"Dude, what's up with your face?"

"… It's called a 'scar,' OK Sokka? Say it with me…"

"Shut up."

"Make me."

"Your mom."

Zuko rolled his amber eyes. "You are so immature."

"You so sound like my sister."

Zuko turned his back to Sokka. "Idiot."

"… Hey, I resent that!"

The Firebender laughed. "That took you a while."

Sokka's face turned red. He muttered something about meat and walked off. A few short minutes later…

"GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!11!!"

Zuko dropped his sticks and ran over to Sokka. "What's wrong?"

"That's wrong!" He pointed from where he was courageously hiding behind a tree—it was a little platypus bear cub.

Zuko's eyes got huge. "Awwww, it's so—!"

Sokka stared at him.

"Ahem… I mean, looks like dinner… hehe, yeah…"

"OF COURSE it does!!" He pulled out his Water Tribe machete, which somehow managed to stay with him all throughout Seasons 2 and 3 when it mysteriously disappeared. He put a tanned finger up to his lips. "Now be quiet, Zuzu, and you won't scare it away…"

"…"

"…"

"ZUZU?!?! WHAT IN THE FREAKING…!!!!!"

"Ssssshhhzzzzsshh!"

"… What?"

"You know, 'Ssssshhhzzzzsshh!' It's what you say when—"

"I KNOW WHAT IT—!!!!!!!"

"Zuko!" Sokka was yelling by now.

"What?!"

He pointed to the empty bush. "Where's our dinner?"

Zuko looked around. "Gah!" The platypus cub was not five feet away, staring at him intently. It walked over to him and curled up in his lap, purring loudly.

"Dude," Sokka whispered, "since when did platypus bears purr like that?"

"Since your mom."

"That's not even how you use that!!"

"Dude, stop yelling! You're gonna scare him away."

Sokka crossed his arms. "Oh, so it's a 'him' now… Wait, how do you even KNOW that?"

"…"

"…"

"I'm just pretty sure, OK?"

Sokka grabbed "him" from Zuko and held him up. "Awww, he's so cute! He reminds me of Fufu Cuddlypoops—"

"Who the…? NO. No, you know what? I do not want to know."

Sokka grinned stupidly. "I think I will name you… Carl!"

"Carl?"

"Yes…" Sokka got defensive. "What's wrong with Carl?"

Zuko shrugged. "It's not very manly."

"Are you saying I can't be manly?!"

"No, I said you can't name things in a manly fashion…"

"Yeah, but you were thinking it!!"

"How do you know what I was thinking, Sokka?"

"'Cause I'm psychic."

"Yeah… and my sister isn't a crazy lightning-bending freak of nature bent on world conquest…" Zuko looked at the platypus bear. "…But we still don't know what to name him."

"(cough)Carl(cough)"

"No, we are NOT naming him CARL!!"

"Oh-kaaaay… how about Sponcho!"

Zuko stared at him.

SMACK!!

"Dude, what the crap?"

"Sponcho?!" Zuko paused and glared suspiciously. "Were you drinking cactus juice again?"

"NO!"

Carl/Sponcho meowed and crawled up Sokka's shirt. He paused on his shoulders, then plopped himself down on Sokka's head.

"Aww, man… It took me four hours to do my hair this morning."

Zuko found he was doing a lot of staring lately. "Wait, did that platypus bear just meow?"

Sokka giggled. "Now who's on the cactus juice?"

Zuko glare. "Peasant."

"Jerkwad."

"Meathead."

"Fire pants!"

"…"

"So can I keep him?"

Zuko looked around. "Why are you asking me?"

"You're his mommy."

"What?! No I'm not!"

"Uh, yeah you are. If I'm his daddy, that makes you his mommy!" Carl/Sponcho/Sokka Jr. purred loudly again.

"Why am I his mommy? Why can't I be the daddy?!"

"Daddies don't have boobs."

"I'm sorry, WHAT?!?!"

A moment of silence.

Then Zuko said, "I thought you wanted to be the daddy."

Sokka was ready for this. "Dude, where'd you get those comebacks, Wal-Mart?"

"What in the world is Wal-Mart?"

"I have no idea. But you got 'em there!!"

"You are such a peasant! My dead grandmother has better comebacks than you!"

"I bet she got them at Wal-Mart…"

"Shut up, Sokka!"

"Shut up, Zuko!"

"Stop copying me!"

"Stop copying me!"

"SHUT UP!!"

"… Shut don't go up, Zuko."

Zuko's eye twitched. Then he burst into flames and screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Sponcho! Cover your eyes!!" Sokka held the platypus bear away from his mommy.

(A/N: KMXII: (slap!) I resent you for that.

3VAD: Dude, I was just playin'! You know Zuko's my man.

KMXII: No, Zuko is Mai's man. You, on the other hand, have this freakish obsession with Sokka… which I don't get…

3VAD: I DO NOT HAVE A FREAKISH OBSESSION, OK?!?!

KMXII: …

3VAD: It's a healthy… admirance… for him…

KMXII: (rubs forehead painfully) Just… finish the story, OK?)

Anyway, back in the Avatar world…

Zuko had finally calmed down enough to go from a glaring explosion to a blazing inferno. "Well, looks like he's coming around," Sokka said to Sponcho. Sponcho purred and licked Sokka. "Aww! He knows who his daddy is!"

"You mean, he knows who his mommy is."

"Shut up, Zuko, nobody asked you!!"

The Firebender gasped and wrenched Sponcho away from Sokka. "Sokka! Watch your language! You're a bad influence on poor Sponcho."

Sokka grinned evilly. "Yes… I guess Mommy knows best. Better listen to your mother, Sponcho."

Zuko fumed. "What the French toast?! We've been yelling 'Shut up!' at each other for the past like, 20 minutes!"

"That doesn't make it right, Zuzu." Sokka wagged his finger.

"Stop calling me that!!!"

Aang walked in. "Hey Sokka, Zuko, what's taking so long?"

"AANG!" They shouted together. "Tell Sokka/Zuko I'm the father!!!" Aang blinked. And turned around. And walked away.

"He's not coming back, is he?"

Zuko smacked the warrior on the head. "Nice going, Meathead. You scared away the friggin' Avatar!! Do you know what it takes to do that?"

"Zuko, you've got to start taking more responsibilities. If we want to get this relationship to work—"

"WHAT RELATIONSHIP?!?!"

"—then we must agree on everything… especially where we stand in said relationship."

Zuko almost caught himself on fire again, but had the presence of mind to take a calming look around. All of a sudden, he was gripped with a horrifying question. "Sokka, where's Sponcho?"