Disclaimer: All things Stargate are the property of MGM (re: not me). I'm not making any money off this, just playing with the toys.

Thanks to kimberlyfdr for the beta. And a very big thank-you to BEB for your review of chapter three; I really needed that :)

Chapter Four

Katie sat back in the chair, clearly deflated. "But I don't understand."

Doctor Syed continued. "In asking you to marry him, Doctor McKay was confronted with all of the possible scenarios that could develop from that. The most obvious to him was something terrible happening to you. I believe that in marrying you, he is afraid that he will kill you."

"That's ridiculous."

"Not to Doctor McKay. Your engagement has brought forth a host of memories for him of the past and fears for the future. He has thought on all those who died for him, or so he believes, and argues that you would do the same if the situation presented itself. Being on Atlantis, that is a real possibility."

Katie frowned. "So in trying to protect me, Rodney went...crazy?" Her voice was small and frightened.

Doctor Syed huffed a little. "Doctor McKay isn't crazy." He leaned forward. "When people are in positions like Doctor McKay's, or even Colonels Sheppard and Carter, they are dealing with life and death situations on a continuous basis. Without a release valve, all of that imagery and experience builds up inside. For Doctor McKay, it is manifesting itself in severe withdrawal and denial."

Katie looked at her hands in her lap, noting the small tremors. "And it's my fault."

"No."

"But you said," she looked up, "that Rodney asking me to marry him was the catalyst."

"Doctor Brown, you have to understand. Anything could have set this off. It could have something as simple as looking at a photograph or hearing someone say a particular word. A catalyst is not a cause." He smiled in that way that everyone knew was forced. "This is not your fault."

00000

"Is that what you do?"

McKay looked at himself in the mirror, seeing the darkness under his eyes and pallor of his skin. When had he become such an old man?

Do you deserve it, McKay? Do you deserve to get old?

Like Gall.

He flinched at remembering the sound of the gunshot as the young man took his life. Remembered being able to barely look at the man after he had been fed upon by the Wraith, his vitality taken away. False words of comfort, he had given. But it didn't matter in the end.

Maybe Gall had done the right thing.

Blank eyes stared back at the mirror and it scared him. Rodney had never been a quitter. Always finished his work, any task given to him. Failure was not something he tolerated. Yet, he seemed to have failed so many. So many he couldn't save or solved the problem just that moment too late.

His fist smashed into his reflection and the burst of fiery pain gave him a perverse joy. He punched it again and once more, feeling the warm trickle of blood. Yes, bleed. Give up some of what they gave up for you.

It was intoxicating in a macabre way.

Rodney threw the glass that held his toothbrush and giggled at the shattering sound. He laughed at the crashing of his photos and degrees from the walls. His body shook from joy at smashing and obliterating anything he could grab. He became a whirlwind of destruction; nothing was sacred and, in short order, his room was a ramshackle mess.

He was now huffing, trying to catch his breath. His body hurt and it felt wonderful. He needed more.

As he opened his door, he came face to face with Katie.

"Hiཀ" she said a little too cheerily. She held up a paper bag. "I thought that maybe you would like some lunch." She stepped inside and stopped abruptly. "Rodney? What happened?" She faced him, finally noticing the perspiration and blood. "Oh my God." She reached for his hand, lunch dropped on the floor.

McKay flinched his hand back. "It's nothing."

"This isn't nothing." She reached again for his hand.

He pushed her back. "I told you, it's nothing."

"Let me call Doctor Keller."

"Don't you fucking dareཀ" He grasped her upper arm, hard. "I said it was nothing."

"Rodney, please," she whispered. "You're hurting me."

"Good." He thrust her to the bed. "Then maybe you'll know what it's like." He began stalking the room, kicking aside debris.

Katie slid back to the head of the bed, fear in her eyes.

"It doesn't get any easier, you know?" he continued, swiping the few remaining books from shelves. "What's the point in saving the city if I can't save the people in it?" He whirled towards Katie. "Tell me thatཀ" His face reddened. "They expect god damned miracles every day. And what happens when I can't do it? What happens when I can't fix it? People dieཀ" He stood at the head of the bed in front of a terrified Katie. He leaned. "She'll dieཀ And I don't think..." He swallowed, feeling very light-headed. "I can't let that..." His breathing became erratic and his hands began to shake. The tremors then moved up his arms. He shut his eyes and willed himself to stay focussed. He gripped the back of his head with clenched fingers.

For a moment, his eyes opened and Katie Brown saw a glint of clarity then it was gone as quickly as it had come. His eyes rolled back and he slumped to the floor, his body trembling.

Katie was petrified; she couldn't move. It was too overwhelming for her. She felt her eyes burn with tears. Doctor Syed had said to give Rodney time, to let him know that she was there for him when he was ready. That she wasn't the cause of his problem.

Syed was wrong and the evidence was plainly in front of her.

Katie took a halting breath before looking over.

Rodney no longer shook with tremors. Only when her tears finally fell did she react and call for a medical team.

00000

Doctors Cushan and Keller were quietly discussing Rodney at Keller's desk. John, Ronon, and Sam were across from McKay's bed, giving Katie some privacy as she sat next to him, stroking his hair and face.

"I came as soon as I was able," Teyla apologized. She shifted her arm under Teyanne. She looked to the worried faces of her team and commander. "What is Doctor McKay's condition?"

Colonel Carter looked to the Athosian. "It was a panic attack. A pretty intense one. Coupled with a severe drop in Rodney's glucose level, it's left him unresponsive."

Teyla looked to the others for clarification. John met her eye with a grim look.

"He's in a coma," Ronon said simply.

Teyla took this in before continuing. "What can I do?"

"There's nothing you can do," Doctor Cushan answered, joining the group. "Everything that can be done is being done."

"But being here helps," Doctor Keller added hastily. "Patients have been known to respond to voices of friends and family." She tried to reassure them all with a tight smile, only no one seemed consoled by it.

00000

"You haven't gone to see McKay," Ronon said after smacking John's legs with his wooden practice sword.

"Been busy," Sheppard answered, rubbing the back of his legs.

The larger man glared. "For two days? Thought you two were friends." He motioned for John to attack. They had been sparring for hours, leaving the Colonel in a heavy sweat and the Satedan barely breathing hard.

Sheppard lunged with a right side swipe that was sloppy and slow. Ronon easily deflected the move, twisted and gave the man a hard smack across the back of his knees, forcing John to the floor. Ronon pointed the sword down, placed two hands on the hilt and leaned on it a little.

"Is this a punishment for something?" Sheppard complained, staggering to his feet. "Because if it is, I'm sorry. Real sorry." He squeezed his eyes and shook his head.

Ronon said nothing, just watched Sheppard. He narrowed his eyes before flipping his sword and returning it to its wall mount.

"Hey, we're not finished here." John lifted his sword once again, his arms fatigued and shaking a little.

Ronon faced John. "Yes, we are." He strode past the Colonel.

"Rononཀ" John called.

"Go see him," he called back.

Sheppard threw his sword and clattered against the wall. "Can't give more orders," he muttered.

00000

John had never wanted this. All he wanted to do was fly and now he is in charge of hundreds. He is slowly becoming "The Man." He makes decisions that even he would have trouble following sometimes.

But this, with Rodney, wasn't quite what he had in mind when he tossed the coin and stepped through the 'gate that first time at the SGC. He had signed up for adventure, to fly new ships and see the stars. Perhaps a little more idealistic than the truth, but that was something he didn't want to think on right now.

The glass felt cool against the Colonel's hand even though the city's temperature regulators kept it a balmy 72 degrees. What would McKay say? 'Oh please. Who uses Fahrenheit anymore? The civilised world switched decades ago to the more efficient Celsius.'

John flattened his palm against the glass and huffed as he rested his forehead on his splayed fingers. He hated being here, seeing Rodney like this. This wasn't a disease or Wraith attack. There was no foreign entity that could simply be tricked and driven away. It wasn't something Sheppard could shoot at or, to paraphrase the Canadian, take the military approach and blow it up.

Rodney was sick with something that only he could fix. And Sheppard didn't know if McKay wanted to anymore. Part of John couldn't really blame him. All the crap they had seen in the last three years was bound to make anyone go nuts. Forget everything else; coming face to ugly face with the Wraith was nightmarish all on its own. Only the Ancients could have been so arrogant as to mix Iratus and human DNA.

John hated those damn bugs.

Sometimes he can still feel that bug clinging and sucking at his neck. And if he looks the right way in the mirror, he can see the faint scar; it stands out more when he's been in the sun too long and the surrounding skin darkens. His arms itches, too, from where Ellia infected him. Not always, but every now and then. Carson had said that that scar would fade in time as well, but John knows that it will always be there. Always a reminder of what he very nearly became.

Rodney's not moving anymore. He hasn't since John arrived. John finds it weird seeing him this still, this quiet. It's so not-Rodney that it scares the crap out of him.

The Canadian's arrogance and over developed sense of self-preservation is John's constant in life. No matter what happened to any of them, Rodney always found a way to keep them going, keep them alive. Because that's what he wants more than anything. He's done so much for the team, hell, for the city that no words or tokens can ever thank him.

Lying there, drool sliding down his cheek, John feels like any shred of a foundation he had is gone. The constant is now a variable and that's math he just wasn't good at solving.

As a leader, it's hard for the Colonel to accept that he can't do anything to help his team member. It's up to Rodney now. Somehow.

He turned back to the window looking out onto the city and the sea beyond. John found himself liking the old planet better. It had a bluer sky.

Sheppard tapped the glass a couple of times before turning to the bed. How long had he been here, waiting for something, anything, from McKay?

Keller had said that familiar sounds and environments would help coma victims. He flinched; victim was just not something he associated with McKay.

Radek had taken this to heart and had done a verbal recount of the latest experiments and discoveries in the lab. He had been there when John first arrived, looking over with a startled expression.

"Oh, Colonel Sheppard." He pulled his glasses from his forehead onto his nose. "I was just giving Rodney the latest figures on power consumption this past month."

John grinned and nodded. "Don't let me interrupt."

Radek's eyes flicked between McKay and Sheppard until he finally gathered his notes. "I will leave so that you can visit."

Both grateful and nervous, Sheppard let the scientist leave. He was now facing one of his greatest fears and didn't know how to overcome it.

"Come on, Rodney," John whispered, letting his hand rest on McKay's forearm. "You're tougher than this."

00000

She didn't care if anyone or everyone saw her. He'd done this for her, not so long ago, and maybe it was misplaced guilt that brought Katie to Rodney's bed. With a hesitant look, she glanced across the room at Teyla quietly humming as she held her child. Teyla smiled softly at Katie.

Returning her gaze back to Rodney, Katie grasped his hand and shuddered at how limp it felt. She caressed it against her cheek, allowing her tears to fall.

It didn't matter what the doctor had said. This was her fault. She never should have allowed herself to fall for this man. Should have kept her distance. Workplace romance was always a bad idea. And their workplace was about as dangerous as it got.

But a part of her screamed out to jump at this chance, maybe the last of her lifetime. So much of it had been spent in labs and greenhouses, focussing so intently on her work and studies that she suddenly found herself 35 and single with no prospects. Then Atlantis calls her and she can't possibly turn it down; the chance at new flora from another galaxy is as tempting to her as Ancient technology is to Rodney.

"Oh, Rodney," she breathed softly and took a firm hold of his now moist hand and crushed it against her cheek.

She remembered the first time she saw this whirlwind of a genius. He was gesturing wildly in the cafeteria amidst gobbling down food. She thought him cute, but beyond her. His reputation preceded him and it shocked her a little. People said he could perform miracles, get the expedition out of the most difficult of circumstances, and that he had an ego to rival the power of the Ancients.

Katie let out a little chuckle.

When Rodney rose to leave with his other team mates, she saw when he saw her. His feet tangled and he nearly lost his empty food tray. He tried to smile, but it looked awkward and self-conscious so he ducked his head and hurried after the others. She thought it sweet and so contrary to his reputation.

The Cadman fiasco may have been hell for him, but the Lieutenant had inspired Rodney somehow and they went on a proper date, sans Carson and Cadman. It had been just as awkward and sweet. He'd let her see a side of him that she knew he kept under wraps and had an inkling of why that emotional barrier was necessary for him. He liked his reputation and showing any sign of human emotion chipped away at his image. He needed people to fear him. He needed them to understand that he was right. Always. It got things done and saved the day.

Katie clutched Rodney's hand between her own and pressed her forehead against them. Silently, she said a prayer.

00000

Ironically, it was a ghost that finally gave Rodney the kick in the ass he needed.

00000

There were times during Rodney's barely functional state when he dreamed. And this dream scared the crap out of him.

It was the image of Carson, looking both cross and concerned, coming towards him. "Now what's this all about, hmm?"

"What?"

Carson frowned. "You know bloody well what." He waved his hand around the bleakness of the seemingly empty space the dream was in. "This isn't like you, Rodney, now what gives?" He pulled a stethoscope from his neck and listened to Rodney's heartbeat.

Rodney looked away, avoiding the gaze of the Scotsman. "Nothing. I am perfectly fine." He sat on the edge of the medical bed, his legs swinging.

"Right," the brogue voice said, "because it's perfectly normal for a person to look like a drooling vegetable." He removed the stethoscope and looped it around his neck.

"I am not drooling."

"Oh really?" Carson pointed a finger across the way to highlight a double of Rodney, head lolled and spittle slowly falling down his jaw.

Rodney turned, fidgeted, and chewed on his thumbnail.

"Now come on. What's got you in such a sorry state?" He pulled up a chair that somehow appeared and rested a hand on McKay's knee.

Suddenly, Rodney couldn't control himself anymore and burst into tears. That alone terrified him as much as anything. He felt his emotional walls tumbling, burying him. "I don't know," he managed to sputter. "It just...hit me." He covered his face with his hands. "Everyone."

"Everyone who?"

Red eyes gazed up. "All of them. All the ones who... Jesus Christཀ They're all there running through my head. Last words, last images, last actions. Fuckཀ" He replaced his hands to his cheeks and began to rock. "I can't make them go away. They don't ever go away."

"Rodney..." Carson reached out to pull McKay's arm away.

"Don't fucking touch meཀ" He leapt up. "Not youཀ I don't..." He sprinted into the darkness only to be stymied by an invisible wall. Carson sighed deeply, but did not move.

"Why can't I get out?" Rodney's voice echoed in the darkness. He pounded at the wall. "Get me out. Someone, pleaseཀ" He chanced a glance at his alter ego and paled as he saw Katie holding his hand at her cheek, crying.

Beckett stood.

"Noཀ Not youཀ You can't. You're deadཀ" Rodney's voice shook, as though only now recognising that his new doctor was also deceased.

"Aye. But you're not." He faced his friend. "You should be a wee bit more grateful."

"Grateful?" McKay stepped back into the dim light. "Grateful that I get to be haunted by them...by you... for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, ya daft idiot." Beckett smiled softly. "That you have a life to live."

"What happens when I won't be able to fix it?"

The Scotsman glowered. "Fix what?"

"What if I get her killed, too?" He stepped back to the wall and leaned his head against it. "Because I can't come up with a miracle." His eyes widened in horror. "Oh, Godཀ Teyla's baby. She doesn't deserve this. Me fucking things up. She's only just started living." He shifted to his side and clawed at the smooth wall. "I can't let her die, too." His body slid down into a crumpled heap.

"I imagine that Teyla may have a thing or two to say 'bout that."

Bloodshot eyes looked to Carson. "You're dead." He stopped to consider the implications. "I am officially crazy now."

Carson huffed. "We've been through this. And it doesn't make you crazy. This is a dream."

The Canadian pondered the statement. "Dream?"

"Aye."

"Well what the hell use is that?"

"Excuse me?"

"Dreams don't mean shit...unless you've got a whale chasing you."

Beckett looked confused, but continued on. "You are the smartest man in two galaxies. You can figure this out."

"What if I can't?"

"You always do."

The silence was prolonged as McKay took in his dead friend's words. "I'm not worth it," he finally said, quietly and without regret.

Carson grasped Rodney's shuddering and hunched shoulders. "Of course you are."

Rodney shook his head. "No. Nonononono. Don't you see? They gave it all up. All of them. Peter and Gall and... and...Jesus, I can't even remember their namesཀ How terrible is that?" He began pounding on the sides of his head. "Their lives. Everythingཀ For meཀ I never asked them, never wanted them to."

Carson pulled his friend upright, keeping him from hurting himself. "That's nae really the point."

"Of course it isཀ No one should have to die. It isn't fair."

Carson drew his friend in, wrapping his arms around Rodney's shoulders. "Aye, it's not fair." Rodney fought meekly until he succumbed to his friend's persistence. Beckett felt the tears renew themselves and the slow clenching of Rodney's fingers into his shirt, gripping so tightly that it nearly ripped.

"But you can make it worse by making their sacrifices meaningless." He slowly rubbed McKay's back. "Believe that you're worth it, Rodney. Everyone else does."

"But their faces..."

Carson smiled. "Are alive in you. Dinnae forget them."

"So many." Rodney looked up. "I couldn't save you."

The Scotsman smiled lightly. "I don't regret it, Rodney. Nor should you."

The pair were quiet a long moment, until Rodney jerked. "Katie? Can I really-"

Carson bit the inside of his cheek and pushed McKay's shoulders away. "Now you listen to me. She's a good lass and a smart one. She knew what she was getting into coming here. We all did. You've two have found something special. Isn't that worth living for?"

Rodney swallowed hard. "I'm afraid, Carson."

"I know, but you're not alone. Dinnae ever forget that, too."

00000

The subtle shift under the blanket would have been missed by most people. But Ronon Dex was hardly most people. He made his way to the bed from his sentinel post, calling on Doctor Keller to come.

Katie rose from her chair, rubbing her eyes of sleep. "What's going on?" She stepped to the side when the Doctor arrived. Keller briefly examined the monitors tracking McKay's vitals. "Did he wake up?"

"Check him," was all the Satedan would say.

More out of fear than anything, Keller removed her stethoscope and listened to Rodney's heartbeat, frowning. She shifted his head and snapped her light into his eyes, stunned to see him blink against her.

"Doctor McKay? Can you hear me?"

Katie was at Keller's side. "Rodney?" She had a death grip on his forearm.

Tears spilled from his eyes as Rodney turned his head. "You're alive," he managed to whisper in a hoarse voice.

The woman smiled widely, shedding her own tears. "Yes, I am."

"Oh, God." Tears continued. "Katie, I am so sorry."

"Shh." She brushed away the tears. "I know."

Rodney lifted a shaky arm and lightly touched her cheek. She laughed nervously before kissing him deeply, her hands tight around his shoulders. She was silently grateful when he finally, hesitantly, enveloped her.