Lyall: Yay, second chappie. I'm listening to "Like a Glint of Light" nao. Woot.
Lloyd: ...Uhh...isn't that like battle music...?
Lyall: Yeah, I forget from where in the game, though. OMG IT CHANGED TO "LLOYD'S THEME"!
Lloyd: YEAH, I RULE! (gets run over)
Zelos: Heheh. (ran over Lloyd with bulldozer)
Genis: AH, ZELOS, WHAT DID YOU DO?
Zelos: ...I ran him over. He's in a better place, anyways.
(IN HEAVEN)
Lloyd: ...Oh...my...gawd. FREE WIIS, XBOX 360S, AND PS3S! I LOVE THIS PLACE! OMFG HALO 3!
Genis: (uses Life Bottle on Lloyd)
Lloyd: (slowly fading away from Heaven) NO, NO, NOOOOOOO! (goes back to Sylvarant)
Genis: You okay, Lloyd?
Lloyd: I was... (weeping)
Zelos: Toldya, brat.
Lloyd: Genis, I hate you now. You'll be properly fucked next time I see you.
Genis: SHUT UP!
Lyall: Umm, I don't own Tales of Symphonia, its characters, places, etc. I own Kratos, though (not really). I also don't own Link's techniques.
Lloyd: (stabs self) (goes to Niflheim) AAAAUGH! WHAT IS THIS PLACE? (hears disturbing noises)
Genis: (uses Life Bottle on Lloyd)
Lloyd: (revived) Genis, that was the worst 14 seconds of my life. I love you. (paranoid)
Kratos: ... (sweatdrop)
Lyall: HOLY CRUD, "LLOYD'S THEME" IS 8:01 MINUTES LONG!
---
"Wow, this place is HUGE!" Lloyd exclaimed as he looked in the interior of the temple. He heard an echo of his voice. "Uhh, guys, someone else is in here..."
"Idiot, that's just your echo," Kratos said. "The Martel Temple is very large, if you haven't noticed. Not a lot's in here, either."
"I think Lloyd was dropped on his head at birth," Genis said.
"Genis, that was a very cliched line," Lloyd sighed. "You should go kill yourself."
"FINE!" Genis shouted. He then jumped off of Lloyd's shoulders. Both of them poofed outside.
"What the heck?" Lloyd shouted, in confusion.
"Ohh, we're no longer tall enough to enter...," Genis mumbled. He then got back on Lloyd, and Lloyd walked back inside.
"Lloyd, crouch down," Kratos said.
"Okayy...," Lloyd said and crouched. He and Genis then poofed back outside.
"DAMN YOU, KRATOS!"
Lloyd and Genis got back inside.
"Lloyd, are your sword skills self-taught?" Kratos asked.
"Yeah, why?" Lloyd replied.
"..." Kratos handed Lloyd A Dummies' Guide To Swordfighting: Baby Edition.
"What the heck? I don't need no gay guide. I fight good enough," Lloyd scoffed. "Anyways, why's the book so damn old? It's like someone peed on it. Hey, there's a name here. M...i--"
Kratos took the book back, wrote Lloyd's name on it with a black Sharpie, and handed it back to Lloyd.
"Ohh, it was my name!" Lloyd "realized."
"Ooh, jello!" Colette cried and ran over to a slimy-looking monster.
"NO, COLETTE, THAT'S--" Genis started.
"Hm?" Colette ate all of the monster.
"Chosen, that was a Slime. A monster," Kratos sighed.
"I found the prize! I think it's raspberry!" Colette chirped, tuning Kratos out. She proudly held out the orb that was inside the Slime.
"Colette, that's not--" Lloyd started, but Colette then ate the sphere.
"CHERRY!"
The guys all sighed.
Eventually, the four made their way downstairs, Colette eating every Slime. Apparently, eating disease-ridden monsters has no effect on dumb blondes.
"Hey, is that the Sorcerer's Ring?" Genis asked, pointing to the Sorcerer's Ring.
"Yep!" Colette answered. "It's needed to destroy barriers. The ones in here."
"Wow, a dinky thing like that can kill magic?" Lloyd asked in awe. "Coolz!"
"Uh, guys, what's that?" Genis asked, pointing to a Golem that was running towards them.
"It's a monster! Get ready!" Kratos warned.
LLOYD
GENIS
COLETTE
KRATOS
vs
GOLEM
(LLOYD used TWIG SLASH!)
(GOLEM received 0.00004 DAMAGE!)
(GENIS used THROW: BALL-AND-CHAIN!)
(GOLEM received 70 DAMAGE!)
(COLETTE used FURRY CHEERIOS!)
(GOLEM received 23.02 DAMAGE!)
(KRATOS used ENDING BLOW!)
(GOLEM received XXXX DAMAGE!)
(GOLEM got the status effect ONE-HIT KO!)
(GOLEM died!)
(PARTY received ROCK!)
"Hey, it turned into a block," Lloyd said.
"Uh-oh!" Colette tripped and pushed the block into a ginormous gap into the abyss.
"Aha...!" Genis exclaimed.
"I see...," Kratos said.
"...What?" Lloyd asked, very confused.
"Wait," Kratos said. "Another should appear." A ginormous, steroid-infused Golem materialized. It took up half of the room.
"HOLY CRAP!" Lloyd screamed.
"Get ready," Kratos said.
LLOYD
GENIS
COLETTE
KRATOS
vs
STEROID GOLEM (BOSS)
(LLOYD used TWIG LAUNCH!)
(S. GOLEM received 14.028 DAMAGE!)
(GENIS used INDIGNATION!)
(S. GOLEM received 201 DAMAGE!)
(COLETTE used MOLDY CHEERIOS!)
(S. GOLEM received 101 DAMAGE!)
(KRATOS used AVOID THE PAPPARAZZI!)
(KRATOS'S EVASIVENESS increased 10X!)
(S. GOLEM used STEROID PUNCH on LLOYD!)
(LLOYD received 9999 DAMAGE!)
(LLOYD died!)
(COLETTE used LIFE BOTTLE on LLOYD!)
(LLOYD regained consciousness!)
(LLOYD used TWIG FANG!)
(S. GOLEM received 9.003 DAMAGE!)
(GENIS used THROW: BALL-AND-CHAIN!)
(S. GOLEM received 102 DAMAGE!)
(KRATOS used HELM SPLITTER!)
(S. GOLEM received 539.7 DAMAGE!)
(S. GOLEM used STEROID ADVANCED HEALING!)
(S. GOLEM has been fully healed!)
(LLOYD used TWIG RAGE!)
(S. GOLEM received 49.53 DAMAGE!)
(COLETTE used RADIOACTIVE CHEERIO!)
(S. GOLEM received 371.928 DAMAGE!)
(S. GOLEM got the status effect RADIATION!)
(GENIS used CHAIN SMASH!)
(S. GOLEM received 239 DAMAGE!)
(KRATOS used GREAT SPIN ATTACK!)
(S. GOLEM received 7392 DAMAGE!)
(S. GOLEM used STEROID TORNADO on PARTY!)
(LLOYD received 9999 DAMAGE!)
(GENIS received 9999 DAMAGE!)
(COLETTE received 9999 DAMAGE!)
(KRATOS received 1 DAMAGE!)
(LLOYD died!)
(GENIS died!)
(COLETTE died!)
(S. GOLEM received 49 DAMAGE from RADIATION!)
(KRATOS used FAIRY BOTTLE x3!)
(LLOYD regained consciousness!)
(GENIS regained consciousness!)
(COLETTE regained consciousness!)
(LLOYD used LEAF STORM!)
(S. GOLEM received 300 DAMAGE!)
(LLOYD received 100 RECOIL DAMAGE!)
(GENIS used INDIGNATE JUDGMENT!)
(S. GOLEM received 9999 DAMAGE!)
(COLETTE used CHEERIO ORBIT!)
(S. GOLEM received 123 DAMAGE!)
(S. GOLEM used STEROID ADVANCED HEALING!)
(S. GOLEM has been fully healed!)
(S. GOLEM received 42 DAMAGE from RADIATION!)
(LLOYD used PAPER CUT!)
(S. GOLEM received 23 DAMAGE!)
(GENIS used BRAINWAVE!)
(S. GOLEM received 327 DAMAGE!)
(S. GOLEM got the status effect STUPID!)
(COLETTE used SUPER CHEERIO!)
(S. GOLEM received 72 DAMAGE!)
(KRATOS used LIMIT BREAK: DECAPITATION!)
(S. GOLEM received XXXX DAMAGE!)
(S. GOLEM died!)
(PARTY received STEROID TABLETS!)
(PARTY received ROCK x423!)
The Steroid Golem blew up into 100 rock blocks.
"Damn it, Kratos, why didn't you do that in the first place?" Lloyd screamed.
"Because I want to see how much you suck," Kratos replied. "And it makes the authoress kill herself typing all of that."
I heard that, Kratos. And yes, it hurt. HAPPY?
"Well, then, let's push all of these blocks into the holes in the ground," Kratos said. The four pushed all of the blocks, save five, into the abysmal holes. Eventually, the blocks created a bridge that led to the pedestal on which the Sorcerer's Ring was on. The party walked over there.
"So this is the Sorcerer's Ring!" exclaimed Genis. "It looks pretty ancient."
"So...shiny...," gawked Colette.
"OMG A RING!" Lloyd shouted in glee. He took the ring off of the pedestal. A mummy fell from the ceiling.
"A-Aah! What's going on?" cried Genis.
"...Hey, is it Halloween?" asked Lloyd. "WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME AGAIN?"
"Huh? What's that smell?" asked Colette, sniffing the air.
"That's the scent of decaying flesh," Kratos bluntly said.
The mummy was still on the ground.
"Hey, is that a tag?" Lloyd asked while examining a tag on the mummy. "Uhh...Chosen number fo--"
Kratos ran over and kicked the mummy into the abyss. "Nothing here to see. Let's head back to the portal near the beginning."
"Okay!" Lloyd and Colette shouted in unison.
"I don't know about this...," sighed Genis. He then realized he was alone. In the creepy, big room. Where there were other mummies taped to the rafters. "AAAAAAAAHH!" Genis screamed and ran out.
Eventually, Genis made his way to Lloyd and the others. When he found them, the three were having a picnic. Lloyd was eating a steak, Colette was eating Slimes' bubbles, and Kratos wasn't really doing anything.
"Jeez, Genis, what took ya so long?" asked Lloyd. "We're halfway through our picnic."
"I was gone for only one sentence!" screamed Genis. "What kind of picnic lasts for less than a paragraph?"
"No, you were gone for three sentences, not including my sentences earlier," pointed out Lloyd.
"Since Genis is here, we should proceed," Kratos said. The picnic stuff suddenly poofed. Even Lloyd's awesome steak.
"WAAAAAAAAHH, MY STEAAAAKKK!" Lloyd cried and broke down.
"I think this is strawberry," said Colette, chewing on on a bubble. "No...it's watermelon! No..."
"IT'S CHERRY," said Kratos. "Now can we please go?"
"Hey, you know what's the scariest part of Halloween?" pondered Lloyd.
"The movies?" guessed Genis.
"The pentagram?" suggested Colette.
"A guy in spandex," said Kratos.
"No, no, no," whined Lloyd. "Giving away all of your Reeseeeeess!"
"Hm, I dunno, movies are pretty scary."
"I've met a pentagram before."
Everyone just stared at Colette.
"...You can't meet a pentagram," said Lloyd.
"Nu-uh!" cried Colette. "I've met a pentagram before! Its name was Lucifer and I have its phone number!"
More staring.
"...It's true!"
"Let's be on our way," sighed Kratos. "Lloyd, shoot--"
Lloyd shot Kratos's arm with the ring. Kratos's arm was soon engulfed in flames. Kratos just blankly stared at the fire.
"ZOMG KRATOS YOU'RE ON FIRE!" screamed Genis.
"Hm." Kratos ignored the fire and shrugged it off (as in he didn't care). The fire continued to try to eat him.
"RAWR!"
"Uhh, why aren't you dead?" asked Lloyd, somewhat creeped out.
"Because," replied Kratos. "Let's be on our way," he said again. "And Lloyd, this time, shoot the magical, shiny portal that has a Pac-Man on it."
A Pac-Man was busily eating a piece of a dustbunny. The dustbunny was crying in pain.
"NOOOOO, HE ATE MY EAR!"
"AHAHAHAHA I'M SO EVIL!" shouted the Pac-Man. Lloyd shot the Pac-Man. Pac-Man dude died. "NOOOOOOO!"
"So I shoot this green and or blue portal thing in our way, right?" asked Lloyd.
"Duh," said Genis. "And way to go for pointing out the obvious, Lloyd."
"Thanks!" replied Lloyd. He shot the awesome portal. It made a funny noise, started bubbling, and dissipated into mist, which also eventually dissipated into more mist, which dissipated into nothing, except for a little bit more mist. I would go further into this fascinating fact, but then we'd be here all day.
After Colette finally realized how to use the portal, the foursome teleported to the Martel Temple altar. In the circular room, there were columnades that had crayon markings on them. There was also a single window, in which you could see the WHOLE WORLD! Colette found that exceedingly fascinating. Oh yeah, there was also this unimportant portal thing in the center of the circle room.
"Where are we?" asked Lloyd, dumbfounded by the childish intricacies of crayon art.
"We're in the altar," stated Kratos, who hated everyone with the passion of level ten.
All of a sudden, a shiny beam of light appeared from the center of the ceiling. It grew larger, then a shiny puff ball of something dramatically floated down. The children were very, very, very, very, very, very captivated by this little ball of fluff. Kratos pretended to care. It's not as if he saw this hundreds of times over the past four thousand years because he helped the Sylvarant Chosens come here to get their oracles. Definitely not that.
The magic puffball then started emitting light. There was then an eye-blinding flash.
"OH JESUS, MY EYES!" screamed Lloyd.
"AAAAAAAUUUGHH!" cried Genis.
"Oooh...," said Colette, transfixed by the godly bright light. Hey, I rhymed. I rule!
After the blinding flash, a man dude was in the place of the light ball. He was a blondie, had an atrocious priest hat, and wore the ugliest shade of green on his cleric coat...thing. His shoes were also puke-green. In his left hand was a clump of cotton, and the other had a goblet of "wine" (in reality, it was grape juice).
"Oh my god, Toast, OH. MY. GAWD. The party was frikkin' hawt!" exclaimed the angel, seemingly becoming drunk off of the juice. "Haha, sucks you got stuck with these douchebags! Yuan even--"
"What are you talking about?" asked Genis, perplexed. "And why are you holding cotton?"
"Toast, who are--" started the angel, but was cut off by Kratos's If-you-don't-shut-up-you're-gonna-get-sacked glare. "Dude, Toast! Why so cold? Not cool, like, totally."
"Who's 'Toast'?" asked Lloyd.
"Beats me," sighed Genis. "Is it me, or all of these angels have some sort of brainworm?" He pointed to Colette. She was sucking on her thumb, amazed by a beetle.
"Toast, why won't you talk to me?" cried the angel.
"What the heck are you talking about," boredly said Kratos.
"OHH, I GET IT," exclaimed the angel. "THIS PERSON'S THE CHOSEN. OHH...NO WONDER YGGIE SENT ME HERE!"
"Yggie?" asked Lloyd.
"No one, probably," replied Kratos. He gave Remiel the you're-going-to get-raped glare.
The angel quickly finished his grape juice, cleared his throat, and stuffed the cotton in his left pocket.
"I am Remiel, a holy angel of Cruxis," Remiel said in a suddenly bold and formal voice. "You, Colette, Chosen of Sylvarant, have come here to obtain your oracle, yes?"
"Uh-huh," said Colette. "I get my oracle now! Shiny shiny PINK! Cat dog pineapple hot dog! Blue green red water!"
'...Jeez, what a bimbo,' thought Remiel. 'And I thought Spiritua's bitchiness was the worst.' He cleared his throat. "Yes, to di--err, receive your oracle. Uhh, since you came...and such, the Tower of Salvation will magically rise out of the dirt...NOW!"
There was a humonguous rumbling, which made everyone but Kratos and Remiel scream and duck. Out of the window, the five saw a white pillar coming out from behind some of Hima's mountains.
"HOLY SHEET IT'S THE TOWER OF SALVATION!" screamed Lloyd.
"Wow!" exclaimed Genis.
"What's my oracle?" cried Colette.
"Umm, here," said Remiel, handing Colette a parchment scroll. "Inside are the details of the trip, a handy map, some Mentos, et cetera et cetera." "Et cetera" is "etc.," by the way. In Latin, "et cetera" means "and the rest." I should know, I'm a Latin II student. OH YEAH, PWNED. FEAR MY ASIAN POWERS! ...Bye.
After the strange rant, and Colette trying to read the paper, Remiel spoke up again.
"Colette, Chosen of Mana," he formally-ish said, "to completely fortify and ensure the rebirth of Sylvarant and not Tethe'alla, you must journey to the ends of the earth, searching for what is not as it first seems."
Colette lost Remiel at "completely." "...I don't understand big words."
Remiel twitched. "Ah, yes, your...complex. Very well; I shall grant you ninety experience points. You can now talk as long or as short as you wish. However, you must now do the journey, regardless if you want or not."
"Whyyyy?" cried Colette. "Why can't you angels just make everything all right? Can't you?"
"HOLY FISHCAKES, COLETTE CAN TALK! NORMALLY!" screamed Genis, running around the room.
"Well, to be frank, we're not angels," said Remiel. "We're actually messengers of Cruxis and monkey-boys of Yggie."
The kids were confuzzled by this, and Kratos gave Remiel a percent-daily-values-are-based-on-a-two-thousand-calorie-diet glare. Remiel started to cry.
"TOAST, YOU'RE SO CRUEL!" Remiel cried. "I'M GONE!"
"No, wait!" shouted Colette. "Are...Are you my...father?"
"Err, isn't Frank your dad?" asked Lloyd.
"Daddy said I never had a mommy, so I assumed I must've had another daddy," explained Colette. Holy crabs, she's making eloquence!
"So Frank's gay?"
"Umm...I dunno..."
"Anyways," said Remiel, "Colette, you will travel to the desert south of Iselia. There lies the first of four seals: the Seal of Fire. Defeat the guardian and offer your prayers at the altar."
"But, are you my father?" asked Colette.
"What? What the heck? Fuck no!" shouted Remiel.
"OKI, DADDY!" chirped Colette.
"Uh, well, have fun Toast...and peoples." Remiel then started to slowly glow, and then vanished into mist, which turned into more mist, which then vanished into feathers. Of mist. Colette was captivated by the fuzzy feathers. She stuffed as much as she could in her pockets.
"Well, that's that," said Kratos. "The Chosen and I will head to town to discuss the journey." He and Colette left the altar. After Lloyd and Genis had a small talk and ate sandwiches, they too left.
"Hey, Genis, how do angels put on their clothes without ripping them?"
"Gee, Lloyd, if you like Colette that much, just tell her."
"I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!"
"Well--"
"AHA!" Genis was cut off by a scream. Raine jumped down from the rafters and kicked Genis--mid-air--into the wall. She then socked Lloyd in the balls, which sent him crashing into another portion of wall.
"That's for not listening to me!" shouted Raine. "Now leave!" She ran deeper into the temple like a madwoman.
"Gawd...," Lloyd winced, clutching his...yeah.
"Aaaaah...," whined Genis, having lost the ability to talk.
After the two regained full mobility, they painfully limped back to Iselia. When they were just about to exit, they heard a ear-shattering laugh.
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
There was a ticking and then a boom.
"Was that...?"
"Let's just go, Lloyd..."
---
Lyall: Yay spring break!
Lloyd: Lucky...
Genis: We have break, too, ya know.
Lloyd: ...Oh, really? Hahaha...
Zelos: Heh, when I was in school, I aced all of my tests.
Sheena: Yeah, because you copied notes and made girls take tests for you..
Zelos: ...THAT'S SO NOT TRUE, SHEENA. I HAVE THE EVIDENCE TO PROVE IT.
Sheena: Riiiight...
Lyall: Apparently, Knight of Ratatosk is supposed to hit the states in fall 2008... YAY!
Yuan: I wonder if I'll be in it...
Lyall: I'm wondering if we see Kratos as more than a narrator in-game.
Yuan: ...I'M SO UNLOVED! (runs away)
Martel: Nuuuuu, Yuan...! (huggles Yuan)
Yuan: SEE, KRATOS, MY GIRLFRIEND LOVES ME!
Kratos: Good for you...
Lyall: Oh, people that read this, I actually wrote this back in December, but I'm a lazy fatass, so I don't upload these. (sigh)