A/N- Okay, so here is the Third and Final Phase of the Life of Jean Valjean. Presumably. When I bought this '35 movie, it came on a double-sided DVD with a '52 movie on the back. Said '52 movie is actually a remake of this one, so if I tried to recap it a lot would be the same... but it does feature an extremely old Marius and more squicky Valjean/Cosette relationships... so I might. Maybe. Ish. Anyway. I have a couple more youtube mashups that need to be put online for this movie, whatever else happens.
Convent. Valjean gardens with another unnamed old guy… let's just call him Fauchelevant for kicks… and they watch the procession of womenfolk go by. Valjean tells "Fauchelevant" that he's taking Cosette away soon, and he goes up and makes eye contact with her as she passes.
Cosette inherited her mother's over-tweezed eyebrows! And managed to do so in a convent. Other than that she's quite pretty, with perfect little ringlets and stuff, but I still like the 2000 miniseries Cosette better.
Another Part of the Convent. Valjean gives a nun a bunch of money, pretends it's from Madeleine, and collects Cosette. The nun says she's beautiful, and then they vamoose.
Right In Front of the Convent. Valjean is telling Cosette about how great life will be, and then the two of them almost get run over by a herd of convicts on their way to the galley. Cosette asks what they are, Valjean tells her, and they both look very thoughtful.
A House. Cosette and Valjean are getting dolled up for some outing or something, and Cosette tells Valjean he's a boulevard dandy. He's got sideburns that slightly detract from the Madeleine hotness, but he's still darn good-looking. Cute dialogue:
Valjean: Has anyone ever told you that you're very beautiful?
Cosette: No, but I hope it's true. (big dazzling grin) Many people have told me that I have a very handsome escort.
Aww... And let's just pretend that that doesn't evoke memories of the monstrous Valjean/Cosette relationship from the 2000 miniseries... (beats head against desk to chase away the horrible, horrible memories) Actually... to be perfectly honest, it doesn't really... due to the aforementioned squeaky-cleanliness. Whew.
A Park. Cosette and Valjean are riding along, and Valjean says he wants to go on like this forever. At that, Cosette spies Marius Enjolras de Chagny speechifying about how oppressed convicts are, and she is awestruck. Finishing up the speech, Marius Enjolras comes over and starts harassing Valjean and Cosette, passing them pamphlets and assuring them that they aren't revolutionaries (they aren't?) and all they want is to give convicts a chance to reenter the world as honest men. Now, isn't that convenient? His hat is lulz-worthy, but I can't describe it, so you're just gonna have to watch the movie… Okay, okay, it's an Indiana Jones hat.
While he's talking, a girl who looks almost exactly like Cosette but for bigger eyes and hair arranged differently comes up behind him. Marius pretty much ignores her. Big Sad Eyes puts her hand on his arm, snatches the pamphlets out of his hands, and wanders away a few feet to stare at him from further off… guess we know what that means… Marius never stops talking about his cause and trying to solicit a donation from Valjean and Cosette. Then some soldiers, wearing the same National Guard uniform that every representative of the law since the beginning of the movie has worn, come galloping in on horses and break up the crowd. Tragically, there is no stick-beating involved. Marius takes off, and Cosette calls after him, "Run away! You'll be hurt!" Aw...? I guess?
Chez Valjean's New Sideburns and Little Mustache. He is sending Marius Enjolras a donation, much to Cosette's approval.
Marius Enjolras's Headquarters. Cosette arrives with the money, knocks on a door, and is greeted by Big Sad Eyes, who is wearing a little shawl and looks exactly like one of those women who hang out in saloons in those old-time Western flicks. And actually, The Headquarters bear more than a passing resemblance to the saloon in which she belongs.
Anyway, Big Sad Eyes, who we might as well just start calling Éponine, leads Cosette to Marius Enjolras's Office and waits at the door. After Cosette goes in, a bunch of Rowdy Anonymous Students start to laugh at Éponine. I guess… because of her oh-so-tragic unrequited love? Or something? Éponine is indignant. The Rowdy Anonymous Students whistle.
Marius Enjolras's Office. Cosette and Marius Enjolras flirt. And then she leaves. Marius Enjolras holds the door for her and lets her out. Éponine bullies him and tries to ask him out to dinner, but Marius Enjolras is too busy. He leaves. A Rowdy Anonymous Student laughs at her, and she says oh-so-angrily, "If that thing on your face is a smile, take it off and get on with your work!" BURN.
Love Montage. (You guys, the first time I went to type "montage" I ended up typing "Montparnasse." I think this tells a lot about me.) Anyway, in three really short scenes, you see Cosette, her various parasols, and Marius go from formal titles to first names to "darling," but she doesn't want him to tell her father about their love because she wants to tell him herself. And then Marius says this: "Well, he'll probably want to know everything about me. Who I am, who my parents were, and where I come from. So even though you haven't asked me yourself, I might as well tell you the gloomy details and get the whole thing over with. I am twenty-two years old, I have dark hair, I'm a little under six feet, my eyes are brown, and my irresistible virtue is that I love you very much." Cosette giggles. D'you see how perky this whole thing is? It's like… I need me some Jean Jean the Sexy Con to settle my stomach.
Then, we see they are being spied upon by… Javert! Oh, John Candy look-alike! Do you ever cease to disgust me? He and some other cop guys decide to follow Marius and Cosette around. They also mention that Marius has a girl who calls himself his secretary and makes trips to Montmartre. Guess who that is? No, really. Guess. A guy in a top hat tells Javert to stalk Cosette home, and he does so by strolling along three feet behind her. Way to go.
Chez Valjean. A guy is trying to sell them some dogs, and Cosette and Jean Jean the Dapper Con banter about which one they should buy and stuff. I'm pretty sure we're about four seconds away from some of Cosette's Little Animal Friends sweeping in and tidying up the house for her, but THEN! Valjean sees Javert wandering by, grabs Cosette, and makes a run for it, leaving a very confused Dog Peddler in their yard. Once in the house, Cosette says, "Are you sure? Did he recognise you?" WHICH MEANS. She knows all about Javert and Valjean's past life as a sexy con! Because lying to your daughter is not kid-safe.
Chez Valjean, later. Marius comes to call, but no one answers the door. Javert pops up and asks what he wants, then tells him they've moved and left him no message. I have included this entire scene in the Javert mashup for youtube, because Snowman Javert has the EXACT. SAME. INTONATION for every line he delivers in this dialogue. Just go watch it, okay? It's... atarded.
Marius Enjolras's Headquarters. A Rowdy Anonymous Student makes a speech about how they're going to revolution and stuff while Marius and Éponine sulk at a table. Presumably Marius is sulking over Cosette's disappearance and his secretary is sulking because, despite the fact that she and Cosette are almost identical, Marius prefers the other girl. Whatevs. More people speechify.
Another Chez Valjean. Some old guy has fetched them a coach. The doorbell rings again, and an old woman comes in saying she couldn't deliver some letter to Marius because there were cops everywhere. Then she adds that she gave the letter to his secretary Éponine. You guys… secretary. I don't… I can't even...
Ahem. Valjean opens a window and sees a bunch of cops beating people with sticks in the streets. This is the funniest movie I have ever seen. Then he tells Cosette they're going to England, so Cosette tells him all about her romance with Marius Enjolras. At first, Jean is all angry that she never told him before, saying, "Me. Me! Have you nothing… for me?" And Cosette says she loves him, but not like that, and that she's going to marry Marius. Jean Jean the Heart-Broken Con sulks and stares at his candlesticks for a second while Cosette reminds him that she never wanted to hurt him. Blahdeblah, let's get these two some cheese with their whine. He hears someone ringing at the front door, and he goes to see who it is.
Front Door. It's Éponine the Old West Secretary, who says she has a message for Cosette from Marius. Her dress is really, really low-cut. Then she starts laughing maniacally and says, "Yes, yes, I have to bring messages of his undying affection to another woman! I, who love him! Funny! Isn't it?" And then she keeps laughing and freaks Valjean out a lot. She tells him where Marius is and how he's going to die… then she starts crying. And drinks some brandy. Her eyebrows are really creepy and straight and thin. And possibly drawn on with Sharpie.
Then Éponine asks Valjean if she wants to save Marius, and Valjean is like, "Why should I?" and Éponine says she knows how he feels. Then she says, "What are we going to do about this, you and I? You don't want to give her up, and I—" but Valjean pops his head up and goes, "GIVE. GIVE." You see, I may have forgotten to mention this, but the awesome deadpan bishop from The First Phase of the Life of Jean Valjean said "give" about nine hundred times while he was saving Valjean's soul. So Valjean decides he's going to GIVE Cosette to Marius or whatevs.
Éponine kind of looks like Little Red Riding Hood. She says she'll show Valjean how to get to where Marius is, but she doubts they'll be able to get back out. Then Valjean skips over and tells Cosette that they've found Marius and are off to fetch him. Yes, they should definitely be even more honest with each other, don't you think? And off they go.
Outside. Javert is still lurking at the corner, and he sees the two of them and thinks it's Valjean and Cosette, I guess… so cue an old-school chase through the streets of Paris. They cut through a ruined café and come out at the barricades, Javert hot on their trail. However, the students ask who he is (Javert proudly announces that he's a POLICE) and they all attack him and get ready to hang him.
Hang him?
But Valjean steps in, tells everyone around him that Javert has persecuted him for years, and offers to off him "the way they do it in the galleys."
Dramatic Valjean and Javert Face-Off. Valjean makes fun of the law, starts to shoot Javert, and then Reflects. For a long time. He pulls out a knife, cuts the bonds, and let's Javert go, which Javert finds very upsetting. In fact… he bursts into tears. Aw! Poor Wibbly Javert. He then says, "I'll take you in the end!" which made me go "...?"
Éponine climbs up the barricade to tell Marius Enjolras she found Cosette, which makes Marius happy, but then she jumps in front of a gun and dies. Bloodlessly. Whoops.
Some cops ride their horses right over the barricade, which proves what a lame barricade they had in the first place, and lots of people are being beaten with sticks in the background. I think if I made a montage of all the scenes of people being beaten with sticks in this movie it would be too long for youtube.
Valjean sees Marius, collapsed under dead Éponine, and drags him off into the sewers. Javert wanders around and would probably have a crazy look in his eye if he could act.
The Sewers. Are Yucky. Valjean carries Marius around, pursued by Javert. He stops for a second to bind Marius's wound… next to a human skull… and then continues. The movie remembers to include the scene where Valjean gets into it up to the face, and this set and lighting is actually really cool. Snowman Javert is too skeered to follow him, so he turns back.
Chez Valjean. Our hero enters with unconscious Marius, and he takes him to Cosette. Valjean assures her he will be fine, then goes out into the foyer.
Valjean's Foyer. This scene is pretty hilarious. Valjean stands in the middle of the room and murmurs, "Javert. Javert. You're here. I know it. Where are you? Where are you?" And then he turns to see… Javert. Just, like, standing there. Creepy. He then asks a few moments to say goodbye.
Javert: The Law allows you none.
Loony: Why didn't he say goodbye a second ago? Y'know, when he was, like, in the room with Cosette telling her all about saving Marius from the barricades?
Anyway, Valjean lifts his hands Very Dramatically for Javert to cuff, and then Javert says this:
"Here, see, it isn't me. It has nothing to do with me. It's The Law that wants you. It's The Law…" and then he tells Valjean to go ahead and say bye.
So… Javert just admitted that he wants Valjean? Heh. But then again, so do I.
In the next room, Marius thanks Valjean for bringing him there. Then Valjean tells Cosette he's off to England. So… now he's gonna start lying to her? Anyway, he promises to write her all the time, and tells her to come visit him sometime with Marius. Then he says he won't be alone cos Cosette will be in his heart and stuff. Aw.
Cosette cries. Valjean says they must love each other, then tells them to keep The Candlesticks for ever and ever because they are a symbol of something or other. Also, life is to give, not to take. He clutches at the candlesticks for the last time, then heads out.
BUT JAVERT IS NOT THERE.
Meanwhile, Javert is playing with his handcuffs. Heh. He suddenly looks up, and his lower lip starts quivering. What a stupid Javert.
Valjean says he is ready to GIVE himself to The Law or whatevs, and then he finds Javert's handcuffs lying on his front porch. He hears a commotion and takes off running.
The Creepy Choir starts up singing Ave Maria again, and Javert's feet step up onto a railing.
Valjean and some other people arrive at the river in time to see Javert's stick floating away.
HA!
Then surprisingly perky music plays as the credits roll.
Wait, what? So… I guess that means Valjean went back to Marius and Cosette and was like, "Remember my speech about leaving you? Well, j/k, I'm back!" …or something. Or maybe he really went to England. But why would he do that?
This is all very confusing. But at least Frederic March is hot.
THE END.