A/N: Wow, this took way too long, I'm SO SORRY. I've just been busy with life or lack thereof... again, I'm SO SORRY! In fact, I will give each and every one of you a cyber-lollipop. But yeah, we did Dessert Knight, apparently we were awesome! I'm so happy. There's nothing else interesting in my life... just been busy with Jazz Choir, voice lessons, Dessert Knight, all that stuff... BUT ANYWAYS here's the update! Oh, by the way, I apologize in advance for any typos, misspellings, etc. etc. I don't have Word on my laptop, only Wordpad, so typing is like a disaster waiting to happen. I should get Word soon, though. (AAAHHH One more thing. I'm grounded, and therefore shouldn't be typing this. HOWEVER I'm amazing and managed to persuade my aunt to let me type for a while, so, you know, be grateful). OH OH!! My birthday is April 12, it's my sweet sixteen! Send me nice messages?

Shout-Outs:

Sarah YES WRITE STRONG! STRONG LIKE ASIAN NO. 5!

Pointy Objects Thanks, I tried SO HARD to make it all make sense. (By the way, OH MY GOSH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE FAVOURITE AUTHOR. You are amazing, I'm really honored.)

Rachael Thanks so much! I love you!

acosta perez jose ramiro Haha, druggie caterpillar.

st astryr of the uncool Awww, thank you so much! It means a lot to me.

Athena005 Haha, thanks so much.

Hellerick Ferlibay I updated, HAPPY now?! And yeah, sorry, I tried to make this one longer and less choppy, but I probably failed, haha.

Annie You mean butt. Hmph. I don't know why I talk to you. Jk, you know I love you, thanks for the sweet review!

Arnolds Love Thanks so much! That means a lot coming from you. But yeah, haha, after you read this chapter and all, your whole, "She'll be so embarassed" thing will be SO MUCH WORSE, haha.

Kaydance YES, THE TERRORS OF FISH AND PEANUT BUTTER!! (Capital letters are MY friends, also, no way!)

Miscellaneous Blasphemy Updated, dahling! Thanks for the nice review.

EVERYONE YAY Thanks for such nice review! I love you all! SPREAD THE LOVE!

Summary:After an unfortunate incident at a fast-food restaurant, our young heroine, Helga, begins seeing things—talking dogs, belly-dancing hippos, even Jay Leno. Can her football-headed love-bug revive her from the spell, or will she be doomed to a life of hallucinations with incredibly large chins?

Disclaimer: HEY ARNOLD IS MINE, ALL MINE! MWAHAHAHA-- no, I wish. Not mine at all. Sob, sob. I also do not own the song, it's "Teddybear" by Toy-Box (Mine's kind of a condensed version, though).

Warnings About Next Chapter: I decided to have a new thing about certain things you may ask about or find strange in the next chapter. You may not get what I say NOW but I want you to know BEFORE you read it that I have a REASON for them. Not really spoilers (I tried to keep it vague) but if you don't like knowing ANYTHING before you read, then don't touch it. So... here we go! The whole thing with Lila... she always seemed like she was "too good to be true" so I wanted to add this little thing to her personality. Arnold might seem a little OOC, but when pushed into that situation... I mean, he's hugging the walking unibrow (then again, she DID tweeze it...), so... Anyways, I'm not so great at normal POV or writing about people singing, so that entire section is a disaster, SORRY!

(Still) Helga POV

Phoebe the Talking Dog moved to sit with Bilbo on the tooth behind us. She smiled at me nervously.

"Helga... may I ask you something?" she said, looking slightly afraid.

"Of course, my furry canine friend!" I responded brightly. "Asketh away!"

She paused for a moment, rubbing the back of her neck with her paw.

"Um... exactly what are you wearing?" she asked, glancing down at my neatly ironed frock.

"Why, 'tis a frock, dear Snoopy!" I responded.

"Actually, it's Phoebe."

"Well anyways, I wouldn't expect a barbaric animal such as yourself to understand. By the way, did I tell you that my best friend's name doth be Phoebe?"

"Well of course, Helga, because I'm--"

She was cut off by a stern look from Bilbo.

"Your loveable animal guardian!" he finished for her. I nodded understandingly, although honestly, I didn't understand at all. There's lots of things I don't understand. Like... why do all the schools have the same carpeting? I mean, crimeny! Try for some originality, people! Not to mention it's the one type of carpet that you can never get gum out of. It's madness.

I'm not going to bother telling you about the rest of the ride. Too dull. After a while, the dragon spit us out. Most people stepped out of his mouth as if walking out of a giant lizard's mouth were normal, but I was distracted by the sharp, pointed teeth that could snap closed at any moment, break me in two, tear me limb from limb... and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground, my cheek raw where it had colided with what felt like solid concrete, but looked like soft, pure white sand. Jay helped my up and led me away from the dragon.

We were then herded into a small seaside villa and seated in a stuffy little parlor with peeling paisley wallpaper. Standing in front of us was a man whom I could've sworn was Mr. Simmons.. but no, it couldn't be. This man, this Mr. Simmons imposter was wearing a pink, floor-length gown, complete with a hoop skirt and pink riding boots. His face was covered with white powder, with long glue-on eyelashes and shimmering pink blush-stained cheeks. He smiled.

"Hello, Class!" he sang, flashing a blinding grin. The children and woodland creatures in the room gave their own cheerful responses. He began a long-winded math lesson, scribbling madly with bright red lipstick on the wall. After some time, a large, wart-covered toad burst into the room.

"Mr. Simmons, come quick! There's been an accident in the teacher's lounge!" the toad croaked, and the pink-clad man immediately jumped to his feet and followed it out the door. Haha, get it? It's like "The Frog Prince" but with a crossdresser.

I sneezed. Those last two words weren't very important, were they? "I sneezed." Oh, yeah, because you definitely care about that. The most important part of my day, no, my life. Let me tell ya.

I heard a loud, obnoxious laughing behind me, and turned around to see a fat, pink pig, snorting and squealing with laughter. Next to him sat a mouse with an unusually long nose and an aparagus who seemed to be telling a story. Great, talking vegetables. Just what my life needed. As he finished his story, the pig's eyes shifted to me and lit up.

"Look, it's Helga Pataki!" he yelled, putting emphasis on my name as if it were a joke. What an idiot. "What did you do to your face, Heeeeeeelgaaaaa? Where's your big, dumb caterpillar eyebrow?"

I blinked slowly, unsure of what to say. How did he even know about my unibrow? I just met him, like... now? His yellow eyes watched me, laughter dancing through them. I stepped towards him, watching fear cross his face.

"That is no way to speaketh with a fair maiden, you filthy boar. Apologize." I commanded.

"I'm sorry you're so ugly, Helga!" he shouted, earning an appreciative laugh from his friends. Before he knew what was happening, I raised my hand and slapped him swiftly across the face, leaving a burning red handprint. Forget blush, ladies, just give me a couple of dollars and let me slap you around a little.

I heard a gasp from behind me and spun around, coming face-to-face with Jackie Chan, a look of horror distorting his sharp features.

"Helga... I'm ever-so certain you shouldn't hit Harold... I mean, it just seems ever-so rude..." he said politely, a stern yet sweet tone flowing through his heavily-accented voice. He sounded like the Asian Lila. Uh... that is... if Lila were a man. Then again, you never know. She could turn out to be a crossdresser, like that guy who looked like Mr. Simmons. I wonder where that guy went? Wait, wait, wait. If Lila were a man... I would get Arnold all to myself! I can almost picture it...him, his hair slicked back, a smooth, black moustache seated above his lip, flowing in the breeze... mental-sigh

Suddenly, Jay walked over and placed a hand on Jackie's shoulder.

"Helga's just a little bit confused today, I'm sure she didn't mean it." he said reassuringly. A surge of jealousy coursed through my body. He was supposed to be taking care of me, making me feel better! I growled and pushed Jackie Chan. Hard.

"Back off, Jackie Chan! Jay is mine!" I shouted, completely forgetting about the Olde English theme. That and Nikki's too lazy to write in angry-Shakespearian.

He crashed to the ground, taking a number of desks down with him. He seemed dazed and merely sat there. Jay looked livid.

"Helga, what has gotten in to you?! Why would you do that?!" he screamed. Fire burned in his eyes, and Jackie slowly rose to his feet.

"Helga, I find your feelings for Arnold just ever-so adorable and all, just ever-so much, but violence is never the answer. Besides, as I'm sure I've told him ever-so many times, I don't like-him-like-him, I just like-him."

"Who cares about Arnold?! I'm talking about you stealing my 'knight in shining armor' here! Crimeny!"

Jay grabbed my arm and spun me to face him.

"Helga, no one's stealing me! Violence is not the answer." he said. I wondered why everyone was giving me that, "violence-isn't-the-answer" crap. Hmph, yeah right. Every problem can be solved with a good, hard punch. But I decided to play the innocence card.

"I... I was afraid to lose you, Jay..."

Lila POV (Ooooooh, new POV!)

Helga has lost it. I mean, I'm ever-so sure that whatever she went through was rough, but honestly, she's starting to scare me. I mean, first she calls me Jackie Chan and pushes me over, then she says, "who cares about Arnold" which is just ever-so unlike her... I mean, she's just ever-so smitten with him, it's oh-so disgusting. He doesn't even like-her-like-her. Whereas me, well I'm just certain I've got him eating out of the palm of my hand. He doesn't realize how stupid he looks, always trying to win me over. Then again, the life of a con-artist is never easy. But now, right when I've got him right where I wanted, she has to go and have an ever-so inconvenient crisis, and starts trying to work him over with her big blue eyes and her "I was scared to lose you" act. And he's falling for it, just ever-so hard.

"Helga..." he said just oh-so sweetly, placing his hands on her shoulders. "You don't need to worry about losing me. I'm not going anywhere."

She threw her arms around his neck, resting her head on his shoulder just ever-so awkwardly. It's funny how much taller than him she is. He froze for a moment, then hugged back, an odd look crossing his face. A look he used to give to me...

Helga G. Pataki is going down.

Arnold POV

Something's wrong with me. I'm hugging Helga. Helga G. Pataki. Helga the horrible. And I like it.

Maybe this is all a dream.Maybe I'm the one who ate that bad Chalupa. Let's see...

Funny feeling in my stomach? Check.

Warm, feverish face? Check.

Dry mouth? Check.

Sweaty palms? Check.

That's it, then. I ate a bad Chalupa. I'm dreaming. That's all there is to it. Except I've never even been to Taco Bell. I don't even know what a Chalupa is.

Then all of those symptoms, the funny feeling, the sweaty palms, they must mean...

Oh, no.

Helga POV

Jay jumped away from me.

"Uh... it's uh... look! It's lunch time!" he stammered, pointing to an old grandfather clock next to the door (A/N: Whatever was going on in the teacher's lounge is taking forever, no?). Despite the absence of our "teacher", the other occupants of the room stampeded out of the stuffy parlor. All that was left was me, Jay, Bilbo, and Phoebe the Talking Dog. The four of us began our trek to the dining hall. On the way, I pondered my previous actions. Why the heck would I hug Jay Leno, of all people? And he hugged me back, the pervert. What a creeper. But honestly, it felt nice. He hugs the same way Arnold does, with his arms firmly around me, his golden hair tickling the side of my face... I allowed a sigh to escape my lips, yet it was ignored my the others (thankfully).

After being served gruel at the buffet, we took a seat at a round wooden table. There was silence as we ate, but then I remembered something I read in some stupid fairytale or something a long time ago.

"Oh, kinda sir knight Jay Leno, where are my manners? As is customary, I shall now grace thee with a song, as thanks for rescuing me from Ye-Olde-Wicked-Witch-Beast-Vampire, Olga."

"A... A song?! Really, Helga, that isn't nece--"

"Hit it, ladies!"

Normal POV (Here comes PAIN)

Soft, gentle music began playing as the lunch ladies pulled various instruments from under their respective counters. Helga pulled a microphone from inside of her dress, along with an amplification system and backup mics for Rhonda, Sheena, and Phoebe, who took them, startled that she could fit so much in her shirt and not look awkwardly bulgy. As the tune progressed, Helga lifted the microphone to her lips and began to sing.

"Mon cherie, baby,

Let us light a candle-light!

Voulez vous couchez?

'Cause it's cozy here tonight!"

She crooned, leaping to her feet and stepping onto the table.

"Aha, you're wearing Calvin Klein,

And I am not a fool!

There must be something in the wine,

'Cause I think I love yooooou!"

Arnold's eyes had been wide as the performance continued, and they only got wider as he was uncerimoniously yanked onto tthe table and was left standing next to Helga, who was now getting into the chorus.

"Kiss me here,

And kiss me there,

I wanna be your little teddybear!"

Suddenly, Lila leapt between them, getting close to Arnold and singing loudly.

"Kiss me here,

And touch me there!"

She had barely finished the phrase when she was pushed away by a very angry Helga, who regained her composure just in time to continue the rediculously cheesy song.

"Come on and show me that you really care!"

And Arnold did care. He allowed the thought to fill his mind as the music progressed.

"Mon cherie, Baby!

I am burning for your tou-houch!

Je ne sais pas porquoi...

But I really missed you mu-huch!"

He asked himself, was it really so bad to be in love with Helga G. Pataki? No, it wasn't. A smile danced across his face as a zoo keeper rolled a cage of hippos into the room, transluscent cloth draped across their corpulent bodies. With a crack of his whip, they began swaying their hips to the beat. That's right, belly-dancing hippos. In normal POV. How cool is that?!

By the time Arnold had pulled his eyes from the hippos, everyone in the room was involved in the musical fiasco, and the song was almost over. He felt something being handed to him and looked down to see that he was holding a microphone. Some unidentifiable force pulled it to his lipes, and the next thing he knew, he was singing.

"Baby, I'll never let you down.

'Cause the first time I saw you,

I was like, Wow!

So don't talk, just kiss..."

And as the music slowed, Arnolds decided to do just that. The hippos, students, lunchladies, zookeeper, and Helga all went into a "grand finale" type of deal as Arnold slowly inched himself closer. Helga finished off the song on an unexpectedly high note, then lowered the microphone and breathed a sigh of relief. The other occupants of the room looked at eachother, confused as to why the had all burst into perfect harmony on a song none of them had ever heard before, and the zoo keeper, after discovering that this was not the new hippo cage at the Hillwood zoo, rolled his charges out of the room. And all the while, Arnold was getting closer and closer and closer. Helga glanced up, her eyes wide with shock at seeing "Jay Leno" standing so close. Before she could say anything, he had closed the gap between their lips.

A/N: And there it is. Just as a heads-up, next chapter will be when Helga comes to her senses for a little bit, I'm not sure if I want to keep it like that and end it on the chapter AFTER the next chapter, or if I want to just have it me a short little "OMG I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON" thing and then have her lapse back into her little delisional world the next morning when she wakes up or something. All I know is how I'm going to end it, and other than that, I'm in the dark. Well, I know how I'm starting the next chapter. So I should type it. But yeah. Review with opinions on my dilemma? Review with ANYTHING that isn't not-nice? Yay, let's do this! LOVE YOU GUYS! (Btw, if I got any lyrics wrong up there I apologize. I did the song part thing entirely from memory, so, you know, sorry).