A Black Comedy
A romantic adventure with Severus and Sirius

Summary:

In a Voldemort free AU, for twelve long years, Sirius has been boozing, womanizing and gambling despite a rocky marriage to Potions Master Severus (formerly) Snape. And now that there is need of an heir, Sirius has to beg his way back into Severus's good graces.

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Disclaimer:
Notice how J. K. Rowling is rich... And I am a pauper.
Oh! Oh! Put two and two together

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Author's Note aka "clearing things up before a huge mess":

I got inspired from reading Siraelka's "When you return" and decided to write this because it's been months since she's updated and the plot bunnies are bursting through my ears. I can be accused of not updating in months, but... but... I'm really hungry for an arranged marriage scandal between Sirius Black and Severus Snape and I'm starving!!!

Just to clarify, the plot is my own, it just has the trashy idea of Sirius and Snape being married and Sirius being the jerk that he is! SCANDAL-LOVE! Cheating! Bonds! (tee hee) Oh, I've read all the books, but let me have my fun too! Xd

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Severus closed the safe and locked the door with a near silent incantation, the painting shut and he found the person within the painting starring back in awkwardness until the life soaked back into her features. It was just another anniversary spent alone. Perhaps the overly optimistic House Elves still put out a bottle of wine, Severus mused. With nothing else to do on this joke of an anniversary, he adjusting his silky black robe and strode through the hall toward the living room. The Potions Master had been delicately trained as a young child to abhor the romance of this month, and now with it sharing another blessed event Severus had learned to hate February even more.

Out in that blizzard, that pompous, idiotic jerk was probably patrolling the streets for women as usual.

"An Auror's Duty, my ass." Severus

"More troubles," inquired Kreacher, who had once again gone out of his way to prepare a delightful meal of wild fowl and greens. The fire place was wavering, the flames swaying back and forth. The love seat was covered in books upon texts upon scrolls of wide subjects, newly discovered dragons, more recently usage's for mandrake, more ancient uses for sphinx's nose.

Severus had fallen upon the pages and culled them for usage with as much rage as a wolf to a sickly deer. Now that he was done with them and they littered the love seat because he hated the word love and wanted no one to sit in that seat. Severus snatched the newspaper that arrived on the side table already crammed with the farcical dinner and the bottle and the goblets. There was plenty of news to be read and he hadn't the patience to absorb more news since breakfast. Severus lowered himself into the comfort of his leather chair and opened to where he left off. He noticed Lily right away and she smiled quite courteously toward him unaware of his past feelings... Or perhaps she was just being courteous towards Severus's feelings as he was the "wife" to one of her husband's best friends.

There was a sigh and an ache within the proud Slytherin's chest. There was a once a time where he would murder for that woman. Perhaps it was all for the best, he had filled his lost feelings into a symbolic chest right before he had since self-exiled himself to the land of Potions. Severus knew was the best Potion's Master anyone knew and no one could try and test him, it was all he had left, potions. Potions where love a a procedure that you added a special stir, an unnecessary ingredient.

Lily Evans... She had wasted herself on that man... James Potter.

He and James took turns sending cruel glances towards Severus. The image was too lifelike.

The Potion's Master was more than thrilled when he could find an prior engagement that would exempt him from that wedding. And then there was Sirius, trying to avoid his searing stare of hatred. The page read: "Heroes of the Wizarding World."

Severus threw the paper into the fire, who in turn devoured it gleefully.

Kreacher handed the full goblet of wine to Severus, who then downed it in a angry gulp. "That idiot will probably not return again." Severus winced at the comment and held out his goblet. "Are you seeking more wine, Master Severus?"

A bottle was already poured into a goblet. There was another goblet that would have been for Sirius but for the last three years had been used for bones and bits of meat Severus had no taste for. Perhaps it had become a personal tradition, between him and Kreacher, a silent two party event in which the pair would scowl and curse the existence of Severus's near invisible husband.

"Bless your soul, Kreacher," there was no one left in the Black family, save himself and Sirius and even being the most hatred (a title he revelled in) Professor at Hogwarts of all time, he wasn't one to leave Kreacher with a man who despised him so much. Now that the dreary man was on sabbatical, it gave him plenty of time to conjure more spells and potions that he could add to his history of fame.

Sirius Black had stood him up again, there was no reason why he would stay in this sham of an arranged marriage if he wasn't actually imprisoned. If there were somewhere he could just leave and perhaps then the bond would just snap with distance as if were a rope. Severus's teeth clenched, pride, duty and family was a Slytherin staple. " 'till death do you part"la di dah that was so popular because it would tie a man down forever to more duty. But Sirius wasn't a Slytherin, he was just a cheating lying lout that Severus should have taken the dagger to rather than marry out of duty.

Severus's eyes bore into the cruel, inviting heat of the fireplace. "Why are we together, Kreacher?"

"It may be misunderstanding, but are you talking about yourself that pathetic lout, Sirius Black." Kreacher rolled his tongue against his teeth, as if to get the taste of a bloody fly out of his mouth. "He has no right to call himself a Black..."

"Thank you, Kreacher." If there could be tears, the mere concept was already lost to Severus. There was no room for wasted tears at this age. Thank goodness there weren't any children between himself and Sirius. And as odd as the words were, Severus had Albus to thank for that and would kiss the man's feet for his gift. He thought of that man as an old fool, but there wasn't a time where he had turned the Potions Master away when he asked for a teaching position. Not even once.

Twelve years of abstinence and loneliness for the sake of marriage. And every woman that Sirius took was a shiver down that thin, thin thread of their bond.

Severus had sensed Sirius pleasure and the sheer torture of it made him the thin, sickly man. He could feel the tremors of pleasure that quivered in the depths of his soul, like a thousands maggots tapping inside the shell of a hardened corpse.

He could feel Sirius, the pounding inside his head as loud as his own heartbeat. It hastened and matched with Sirius's heartbeat. His arousal was both aware, tuned and staunched by the situation. Here he was, the greatly feared Severus Black, suffering another "attack" because his husband was cheating with some vile wench in the dark.

A mist was gathering as Severus could see the spots of white, and the spikes of pain caused him to sip the air as if through the straw. It was if the very air was choking him. Severus felt Kreacher gripping his arm but soon he could no longer feel the clutches of life and faded into his seat as if he were a whisper of himself. This attack had gone on longer than most, but as the white light claimed him he knew that he would do Slytherin true and survive another day.

It was like that for such a long time, he couldn't even strain to feel the thousands of voices that searched for him in the winter storm of his vision. But he knew there was a chaotic storm going about him, the flecks of light that tightened and trembled in fear of another's light being snuffed. The was an ebb a sensation of floating, although he was a bit worried than if he could not control himself he might have just floated up into the heavens.

In a fit of sensation, his teeth grit.

It was an awkward feeling. Severus felt his heart was beginning to beat again slowly, but sure.

With his thoughts functional again and the Potion's Master felt the blood in his veins again as if they had never been there before.

His body felt in extraordinary heavy and there was a strange wrenching feeling in his gut before Severus soon lost consciousness and fell into a dark, death-like sleep.

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"Another owl," asked a young Harry Potter.

The boy had yet to be sent to Hogwarts but already Sirius saw the growing potential in the young Potter, his god-son would for sure be twice the ladies man that his father, James, was. Sirius shook his head at the boy's attempt to befriend the owl and hurried into the kitchen to get some bacon. His kitchen was a catastrophe, even with Lily being in it. Pots and pan that were once covering every surface had been cleaned with a heavy duty cleaning spell, Sirius smiled and gave Lily and brotherly kiss on her cheek. "Thank you Mrs. Potter."

"Honestly, it's an easy thing to do! You are a powerful wizard--" The look of apathy that was on Sirius's face was more than enough for Lily and returned to serving up some tea, because "if I didn't make tea, we all wouldn't be having any would we, Mr. Black."

Lily huffed. Yes, she was a bit of a nag, but only to Sirius because Sirius desperately needed nagging! She never nagged her husband and son, was a model wife and more than patient and understanding, but Sirius...

There was something odd about Sirius's lifestyle that just irked her.

He was married... And had been married for years and if something might have changed... But no, he was still the same burping, farting, wrestling, womanizing pig. How did Severus make due... Perhaps the potion master paid to keep Sirius away from him, he definitely didn't seem to 'in love' with the idea of marry his arch nemesis and polar opposite.

"That's the twentieth owl today, aren't you going to open up a single one of them yet?"

"If it's not a Howler, it's unsolicited mail, my dear Lily."

Lily sighed in pure frustration and Sirius took it the cue to snatch the tray out of his hands and bullied Lily into the living room. He sat the tray down and looked over to James, who seemed a bit annoyed. Usually he was in a splendid mood. "Have you read the paper?"

"Oh, is it another clipping about our heroism? I'm not the once for patience, James."

He loved those pictures, he had an "in" at the paper, a young lady that only selected the most spectacular photos of him.

What more could Sirius Black want, he had heroism, good looks and charisma. Well... Most things. There were things he had wished to do away with.

James expression seemed to be darkening as he read on, which Sirius was too busy getting settled in a lumpy, lumpy well-worn chair and snacking on a stale cracker that had been left out. The man looked at his friend disapprovingly as he kicked back and seemed to be all right with his childish actions. Perhaps he didn't know... Would he even care? The illness was not confirmed but it seemed serious. Snape was not as spry as Sirius, but the man took care of himself.. Or at least had enough nagging house elves to care for him. "Sirius, what have you and Severus been up to lately. If I'm not mistaken, yesterday was your twelve year anniversary."

PFFFSTTTTTT!!! "What do you mean, I mean, of course." Sirius looked both ways before lying. "I had work."

"Again." Lily implored, he hand resting on Jame's shoulder. Knowing her husband, she started to read along and found her taking to the article with great seriousness.

"For twelve years." James added to his wife's frustration, he and Sirius were best friends at Hogwarts, on the fields... He needed Sirius to seriously grow up. He was a great guy... But.. "I really don't want to get involved. In your marriage issues..." He took a look at his dear son opening a door, enthralled with the mysterious articles in Sirius's bedroom space and then back to his friend. James understood that he had a understanding and wonderful wife who didn't mind educating their son Harry on certain issues earlier than most muggle folk would, but there were still some...

Things he didn't want to have to explain to his son and he tried to shelter Harry from... To be innocent for a little while more. "Snape is in the hospital."

There was a happy shriek as Harry had gotten into something magical again and Lily was hot on his trail.

"I know you don't love Snape," as the man known nothing, he—James had ignored the niggles of infidelity, as it was nothing rare within Wizarding society—but the fact that his friend had felt nothing as his spouse had struggled with death. There was something seriously wrong. He handed the Daily Prophet to his trusted friend, the godfather to his son and right now, at the moment, biggest ass he knew. "You should read this."

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"Severus," in the opaque world, there was no man more distinguishable than Dumbledore.

Severus turned his head towards the sound and blinked although it did nothing for his eyesight. There was such sorrow in Headmaster Dumbledore's voice. Had he just awoken? How long was the Headmaster waiting by his side? Severus hated not knowing and what hurt him more that he was completely incapacitated and at everyone's mercy. Albus was patient and only spoke again when he noticed that Severus was slightly more stable from when he awoke. "How long has this affair gone on for?"

Lucius was in the corner with his bleary eyes and nervous smile, his wife was more together than her adult husband but he could see the obvious distress on her face. Narcissa was a good woman and she rested her hand on her husband's lean shoulder, assuring him she was only leaving for a moment. "Just to get Draco." The man looked to Severus who only caused him to feel worse, which in turn caused the Potion's Master to stress about how pathetic he must have appeared for Lucius to pity him so much.

"Alh--b-" Severus could barely control his mouth functions.

The most fearful thought that ate at him--more than dying--was that he may be drooling in an uncontrollable stupor. "Bus. Our marriage..." He enunciated each syllable as if his teacher's certificate depended on it. Severus felt his voice crawling, stretching pain to finish what would have cost him half a breath had he been well. "Was built... on lies."

When he could finally see the man, he could see that the Headmaster was truly sorry.

Severus was more than puzzled and stared at the old man who sat in tears.

Was it his state that pathetic, there wasn't a mirror in sight to be summoned and his wand was probably confiscated for safe-keeping anyway.

"Forgive me, Severus. I should have known you were being neglected, I see that I have also neglected you. I can see why most Slytherin's have turned away from us..." And the truth was finally visible from someone other than his own eyes. Severus had become only link between the the social world of the Slytherin alumni and the world. It was no wonder why they had begun turning to such dark practices: they had no where else to go. "Forgive me, Severus."

"Stop blubbering, Albus." Severus snipped affectionately. His voice had returned only partially, his throat scratched, quite parched. "It's very irritating. I'm all right, yes I almost died, but I'm very much alive--Thank you, by the way... So there's no need to continue to cry all over yourself. Am I drooling Albus? Tell me it's not so. "

"Professor Black," Severus barely saw the blonde boy come in, but he let Draco embrace him tightly, "we thought you were dead when Kreacher called us."

"You have no idea how worried we were when you almost died, we rushed you to Saint Mungoes faster than a broom could fly." Narcissa chimed.

Severus realized that the temperature had change slightly, like the coldest month had celebrated it's last day and he was free to muck around in muddy, light green fields. Not that Severus Black would, that was just a descriptive sentence.

"Lucius, Lucius, tell me..." He implored, reaching his arm for the glass of water. Dumbledore whispered the correct spell and the glass came floating until it was snatched mid-air and guzzled down by Severus. When the injured patient had satisfied his thirst, he continued his question. "--Is February over."

"Yes," Lucius replied, a bit frightened of Severus's possible reaction. "You've been out for five weeks."

"Have my ingredients arrived yet, urh, my potions must be spoiled."

"Spoiled, Severus?" Lucius letting himself chuckled despite the presence of Albus, it seemed all was as it was once more.

Severus felt the tug of sleep pull once more, and let himself enjoy sleep once again without the pain of the bond hurting him so...

But as he slipped he realized to late, what of Sirius Black?

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to be continued...

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Yes... That means more later!

R&R!