Love Letter

Don't you hate the feeling when you first wake up in your Akatsuki pajama's, groggily wipe the last bits of sleep out of your eyes and half awake walk towards the kitchen only to find your favorite Garfield mug used on the counter with stains of hot chocolate? Then when you have to use the Jashin is number one mug to pour your daily need of caffeine and sugar, you accidentally slip with your hand and get your lovely pajama's wet, don't you just hate that? Pein did, he downright hated mornings like these. Drinking from that awful mug, he walked towards the mailbox, since it was his turn to distribute the letters, magazines and packages today.

"Porn, porn, more porn… I'll dump it in Tobi's bin." So to say, the orange-haired male threw the dirty magazines into the deposit of the masked nin.

"Mmmh, ten letters for Itachi… Must be Sasuke's weekly death-threats." Pein dumped the papers into the Uchiha's bin and continued dragging out a ridiculously big package out of the very small mailbox.

Grabbing the small card attached to it, he read out loud; "From the Chinese restaurant around the corner, to Kisame."

"Geez, are they still trying to capture Kisame for their Mako fin soup? They have better chances with Suigetsu." The Akatsuki leader thought and pressed the big package into the small deposit of the shark-like man.

After finally dumping another pair of porn magazines into Tobi's bin, he felt around in the little black mailbox to see if there was anything else. After a couple of minutes he wiped out a small perfumed letter. With a delicate handwriting on the envelope, Pein got curious and read the addressed and the addressor.

"From Hinata Hyuuga; to …" The ink was smudged and he couldn't quite make out the name, but there was no doubt that it was meant for one of them.

Hastily glancing around, spying with his gray eyes if there wasn't a soul around, his fingers opened the flap of the envelop and Pein started to read the quite lovely letter for one of his 'boys'.

Hey…

I wanted to write this letter for quite some time now, love. I just didn't find the time in my hasty schedule, so please forgive me. I missed you so much, especially since the last night we shared together. I'm blushing now, hehe. Yes, you were fantastic, the way you used your fingers... Oh gosh, I shouldn't be writing this, if Ni-san ever found out, he'd never stop trying to peak at me when I'm taking a shower. Please don't kill him, I love him despite his flaws.

Anyways, it's Christmas time and you'll be receiving your gift soon. I'm going to buy you the lingerie set you always wanted. Yes, the red one with the lace and the black leather to finish it off. I'm still blushing now, I really shouldn't tell you all of this, but then again you told me to toughen up. Next time, I'm going to use the whip and the chocolate sauce. I bet I made you laugh now. Naruto-kun is busy with a charity action involving my cousin, Sasuke-kun and Gaara-kun. I'm wondering what he'll do…

I love you, my freaky kitten. I like the nickname you want me to give you.

Your kinky bunny; Hinata.

Pein twitched by the part of the lingerie set, but he also couldn't help the small droplet of blood dripping from his nose. He felt a mix of pride and disgust for the lucky boyfriend of this girl. Now the question remained, who in Jashin's name was the addressed for this letter? Wait, did he just say in Jashin's name? Oh Lord, Hidan was rubbing off on him, he immediately dropped the hideous cup, making even more coffee spill on his favorite pajama's… Fortunately the Akatsuki leader had hidden ten of these babies in his hidden drawer, just like his fluffy pink bunny slippers.

Storming towards the living room, where most of his members and colleagues were sitting on the comfortable couch with their own mugs of coffee and in some cases hot chocolate. Flailing with his arms, the letter nearly slipping from his grasp, Pein entered the room with wild enthusiasm, nearly everyone with exception of Konan, Hidan and Deidara, were sitting in the room, watching the television.

Glancing at the TV-screen with minor interest, Kakuzu said indirectly to the leader; "Whatever it was; Hidan and Deidara did it, not me."

Ignoring Kakuzu's comment, Pein waved the letter in front of their faces with an anticipating look. They all took a better look at the piece of paper and the corners of Kisame's mouth curled up into a grin.

"I didn't think you'd go for mail order bride's, Leader-sama. I thought you and Konan were already down at it." Blushing like crazy, Pein shook his head, breathed in and replied with a calm voice.

"What me and Konan have is strictly professional. Plus this letter isn't mine. It's from one of you." They all raised their eyebrows in respond and Itachi switched off the television.

Zetsu elbowed Kisame in the ribs and whispered; "Konan rejected him, I was happening to be around then…"

"Give up on trying to see which color her panties have, Zetsu. You know I already won the bet. They're blue, not green. She told me." The blue-skinned male then turned his concentration back on the conversation with their superior.

"Alright, so confess. Who of you is freaky kitten?" Tobi swallowed and fiddled with his fingers, his face glowing behind his mask.

"Tobi didn't know what the site was about, Leader-sama. Tobi swears! Tobi could only chose that nickname! Tobi was confused too! Why where those people all on top of each other?" Pein did an anime-fall and scurried to his feet, rubbing his temple with his free hand.

"What site was it, Tobi?" Itachi asked with a monotone voice, his red eyes filled with something close to curiosity. My my, isn't he just the little pervert?

"Tobi thought it was called Icha Icha fans or something. Are you mad at Tobi, Leader-sama?" The black-headed male asked with a hopeful voice, his hands in his lap.

"Of course not, Tobi. Now seriously, this isn't the letter of some weird site, this is realistic. Who is the boyfriend of kinky bunny?" Kakuzu suddenly burst out into laughing, slapping Kisame on the back while doing so, Zetsu just tried to make some more space in the small three-sit by shuffling a bit more to the right.

"Well, it sure isn't me. Whoever owns this interesting thing can always share her with me." A dark and twisted smile crept up on Kakuzu's features as he glanced at the orange-headed male with more interest then ever before.

"Let's be honest, only one of you can possibly get a girlfriend and it isn't you, Zetsu. " He added the last part when he saw the half white, half black man's face lit up in hope. He immediately look down again and his darker half mumbled curses.

All their eyes flashed towards the stoic Uchiha, who was just sending death glares back at their regarding faces. Tobi smiled back at Itachi, waved and ducked for the kunai said Sharingan-user had in the sleeve of his cloak. The rest just settled for an anime-fall, while Tobi grinned and used his index-finger to indicate that Itachi was a bad boy. Ignoring the further fight that was about to commence, Zetsu's black side opened his mouth to speak.

"Seriously, you think Itachi could keep a girl without mutilating her body, slowly choking her with his evil charisma and suddenly finishing her off in front of his little emo-bitch… I mean brother." Once again another kunai was flying in the air to strike another target. The rest of the Akatsuki group just sweatdropped in response to the Uchiha's temperament.

"You're right, Zetsu… That means that Deidara has to be her boyfriend! Where is that explosive bastard when you need him?" Itachi looked at his superior and pointed at the hall, his composure suddenly completely in hand again.

"Arigatou, Itachi-san. Come on, I want to hear his explanation… And that girl's phone number." Pein added that last part in silence, praying that his colleagues didn't hear the end of his sentence.

Kisame stood up, while Itachi and Kakuzu followed his example, Tobi sprung from his seat and motioned the others to follow his hyperactive self towards the room of his beloved sempai. Pein clutched the letter a bit harder in his hands and regarded Zetsu, who made no motion whatsoever. His golden orbs were glued onto the TV-screen, apparently there was a documentary about the wildlife in the Amazon. Once the gang, with the ball of activity Tobi at the lead, left the small living room, the half black, half white, male changed the channels and was watching the Oprah Winfrey show, a box of tissues conveniently hidden under the pillows.

Reaching Deidara's room; the orange-headed leader made a move to knock the door, but Tobi already attacked the door in his need to see his beloved sempai. Rolling his eyes, Pein entered the room only to find Deidara underneath a blanket, with a bowl of ice-cream on his lap, watching the Titanic with the tears already in his blue eye. Noticing the others, the blonde immediately jumped up, making the strawberry flavored goods fall onto the floor, and immediately stood before the television.

"I don't want to know…" Was all Kisame brought out, while regarding the darkened room with small interest. Deidara did have an impressing DVD-collection, consisting out of Nothing Hill, Pretty Woman and more Julia Roberts classics.

"What are you guys doing here, un? Never heard about knocking, un?!" The explosive expert burst out in anger, while the orange-masked male tackled him with praise.

Pein evaded the fallen ice-cream and pushed the letter into Deidara's face with a dim grin on his face. Snatching the letter, the blue-eyed Akatsuki member started to quickly read the piece of paper, a small smile appearing on his features. Handing the letter back to his boss, he smirked at the others and they all knew he was going to gloat about his girlfriend now.

"I didn't know you had a thing for Hinata Hyuuga, un. Wasn't she the one with a C-cup when she was twelve?"

Itachi hid a small smirk, drooled a bit and scratched the question; 'What was Hinata's cup size when she was twelve?' from his imaginary list of things to find out about women. The other burning questions on his mind were; 'Kurenai's favorite stance in the bedroom?' and 'are Tsunade's breasts real?' He was one step closer to beating Kakashi in the ultimate power of perverseness. Oh, he was good alright. Crossing his arms over his chest, the Uchiha glanced at the others like he owned them. Which, if I was the authoress of the series, would be the case.

"Why are you drooling, Itachi-san?" Kisame asked softly at his partner in crime. He should've known that his only reply was silence.

"Deidara, stop fooling around! Hinata is your girlfriend!" Pein retorted back, while his one arm is wiping the blood away after the discovery of this new detail.

"I wish, un. She's like a sex symbol in Konoha, un. Didn't Jiraiya model like three of his characters on her, un?" He asked with mild curiosity… We all know you know for sure, Deidara. Don't play innocent with us.

Kisame nodded, although slowly and nearly unnoticed. Kakuzu shuffled his right foot and looked at the floor. Tobi just flailed with his arms and knew, as usual, of nothing. Itachi didn't even answer the question of the blonde and was off to his perverse thoughts where he was the pimp of Konoha… Which, if I was the authoress of the series, would be the case. Pein just twitched slightly, nearly crumbled the letter in his left hand and shook his head slowly.

"Was I wrong, un? I thought Yuzuki, Amaya and Mizuki were modeled on her, un."

"Who's Mizuki, sempai?" Deidara just whacked Tobi over the head, scolded him and turned his attention back to the rest of the, perverse, party.

"That only leaves Hidan, I suppose." Kisame said breaking the awkward silence that circled around them. Nodding, Pein immediately turned around, cloak swaying, and the others just followed solemnly.

Nearing Hidan's room…

"We interrupt this story for a holiday message, dattebayo!"

"What the…" Naruto gags the authoress, ties her with heavy ropes to her chair and seats grabs the keyboard with his hands.

"It's the holidays, have you done your annual good deed for the new year? Didn't think so! Well, here's a good activity for you all to enjoy; Hug an emo! They already get little affection."

Pictures of Gaara, Sasuke and Neji are rolling in the background with the charitable slogan Naruto just pronounced. Little Gaara hugging his teddy bear, grown Gaara listening to Drop Dead, Gorgeous. Little Sasuke eating a tomato, grown Sasuke slicing his arms up. Little Neji playing with a tennis ball, grown Neji glaring at the camera…

"How can you resist? For 5 dollars and a bottle of Pear flavored sake, you can get your own emo to hug. Call 555-…"

"Naruto! You are so fucking dead, you dobe!" The three emo's, I mean, Gaara, Sasuke and Neji were bursting into the authoress' study room, knocked down the door and were armed with multiple kunai.

"Uhm… I have to go now! Dattebayo!" And so the orange fox had to run from the three murderous emo's, while the authoress was left to untie herself. The joys of being a writer hurt a lot…

Continuing… Nearing Hidan's room, the Akatsuki members were almost completely certain that the cursing, murderous and all by all sexy Jashin-worshipper had to be Hinata's boyfriend. After all, who else could be dubbed as freaky kitten? Kakuzu had some doubts by the nickname, but he was sure that was just another fetish of the strange 'priest', as Hidan described himself on the social latter.

Not bothered by the mere policy of knocking before you enter a room, Pein stomped the door open, let the image of a dancing Hidan burn into his memory and gasped in awe. When you thought Deidara had a weird hobby by watching movies such as Pretty Woman and the Titanic, I will prove you wrong once again.

"I'm bringing sexy back, yeah!"

"Is that Justin Timberlake?" Tobi asked with a big smile underneath his orange swirl-mask, his foot started to tab on the floor with the rhythm.

"Yes," Twitch. "I think it is." Twitch.

"Arigatou for the information, sempai."

Hidan just glanced at them, felt his cheeks heat up by the sudden embarrassment and let a wave of anger flow over him. I think I'd better censor whatever will come out of that mouth.

"You –beep-ing –beep-s, never heard about –beep-ing, huh? –beep-, -beep-ing –beep-s !!!" Pein was not too impressed by the anticipated outburst and pushed the letter into his face.

"-Beep-?! What the –beep-, is this piece of –beep-?" Rolling his eyes, Itachi quickly explained the contents of the letter and asked the question that was on most of their minds. Except for Kisame, he was thinking about the Chinese restaurant around the corner.

"Come here, girl. Go' head be gone with it! Come to the back. Go ' head be gone with it!"

"Hidan, turn that god-awful music down and just answer the question." Kakuzu calmly said, trying to soothe his raging teammate.

" –Beep- no! Jashin-sama enjoys this music very much! I don't –beep-ing know this –beep-ing –beep-. Now leave me and Jashin's hymns the –beep- alone!"

Pein sighed in disappointment, muttered a small response towards all the swears, turned around and left the room. Itachi just glanced around, grumbled something about 'weird music taste' and followed his superior's example quickly. Tobi just started dancing with Hidan, having the time of his life. After all, good boys want to have fun. Deidara fainted from an over-dose of sexy back, Kakuzu and Kisame had to drag the blonde explosive artist out of the room, barely surviving it themselves.

"You should've known, Leader-sama. I believe the letter was just wrongly addressed." Itachi said lowly, his Sharingan eyes staring at the orange-headed man with disinterest.

A mob of blue hair with a small white lily stormed through the hallways, nearly bumping into the raven-haired Uchiha, Konan noticed the sheet of paper in Pein's hands. A big smile, strangely resembling Joey's 'How you doing?'-smile from Friends, came across her features when she stood in front of the two men. Pein's gray eyes just looked at her chest, making a big smile come across his features as well. Itachi didn't care, he already knew the color of her panties and her cup-size when she was twelve.

"I was searching for that letter the whole morning!" Snatching it out of the leader's greedy fingers, the bluenette happily skipped through the hallway.

Itachi and Pein just fainted by the enormous amount of blood loss, caused by their massive nosebleeds. Apparently they didn't know the small detail that their beloved Konan was in fact a lesbian. They were bound to find out one day, I don't think they'll ever look at her in the same way though.

Later that evening…

"Sempai!!!! The images from that weird site! They're back!! Is that Mizuki-chan, sempai?! Who's that boy on top of her?! And why are they naked, sempai?!"

Well that's a story for another time.

Konan: Arigatou, TSOH-chan.

TSOH: Don't mention it.

Itachi: -Stares at Konan-

Pein: -Stares at Konan's chest-

TSOH: -Punches them both- Hentai!!

Naruto: Please –Dodges for kunai- Review! –Dodges Gaara's sand attack-

TSOH: Happy belated New Year!