DISCLAIMER: The Voyager universe-Paramount's. The pre-Resolutions J/C: mine. Profit: I wish.

RATING: PG

SUMMARY: Late in the second year of the voyage. Kathryn Janeway is torn by conflicting emotions after performing the surgery to separate Tuvix back into Neelix and Tuvok.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story was originally begun in November 2002 for Simple Math's "New Territory" contest. The challenge was to write a J/C friendship or romance story that went back to pre-Resolutions J/C. Since this is a Tuvix episode addition, that's about as close to the pre-Resolutions J/C boundary as anyone can get in canon.

That episode and especially the last shot of Janeway in the corridor after leaving sickbay haunts me still. It's the kind of decision I hope never to have to make.

Mixed Feelings

by 50of47

Kathryn Janeway walked out of Sickbay and found that for a moment, she couldn't take another step. Her 'captain's mask' was firmly in place, but the searing pain she felt at what she had just been forced to do was clearly evident in her haunted eyes as she struggled not to cry. Gritting her teeth, she proceeded to the turbolift, managing to nod politely to several crewmembers she passed along the way.

"Deck 3," Janeway ordered, once she was in the car. She couldn't go back to the Bridge, certain that she would not be able to conceal her anguish from the command crew after Tuvix's impassioned plea for his life in front of them, not even for the few moments it would take for her to hand off the bridge to Chakotay and walk to her Ready Room.

Another wave of remorse wrenched a sob from her the moment the doors to her quarters closed safely behind her. Janeway headed toward the replicator for a mug of coffee to steady her nerves, but before she reached it, the full realization of what she had just done struck her hard. Tears spilled from her eyes and she felt herself begin to tremble. Reaching out for one of the nearby dining area chairs to steady herself, she sank down onto it, dismayed to find herself unable to stop weeping. She managed to force the emotion out of her voice long enough to comm the Bridge.

"Janeway to Commander Chakotay."

"Chakotay here."

"Commander, I've developed a migraine. If you would cover the rest of my shift for me, I'll get a few hours rest, and then work in my quarters."

"Not a problem, Captain. There's nothing going on up here at the moment, so don't concern yourself. Everything's under control."

"Very well, Commander. Janeway out."

After a while, she felt her resolve strengthen, so she got up and ordered her coffee. Janeway walked over to her armchair, and set the mug down on a table next to it. She was still trembling slightly, and felt very cold. Pulling an afghan off the back of the armchair, she wrapped herself up in it and sat down. Obviously, she wasn't going to get any work done for the rest of the day. She dimmed the illumination to one-quarter and settled back with her mug of coffee to try to make peace with herself over what Tuvix had referred to as "an execution." She stared off into space, her mind a blank, despite her obvious emotional turmoil.

Janeway was awakened by the door chime several hours later. She burrowed deeper into the afghan, hoping that whoever was outside her door would assume she was either asleep or didn't want to be disturbed, and leave her alone. When the chime sounded a second and then a third time, she reluctantly said, "Come in."

The door hissed open, and Chakotay stepped into her darkened quarters. It took a few moments for his eyes to adjust enough to the dimness for him to be able to make out Janeway's huddled form in the armchair. "Captain, I just stopped by to see if you were feeling any better. This afternoon in Sickbay can't have been easy."

"I'll get over it," she said in a flat tone of voice.

Chakotay paused for a moment to consider his next words. "The Kobayashi Maru is a very different thing out here, isn't it, Captain? It's nothing like the simulations they put us through at the Academy."

Janeway sobbed once and covered her mouth with her hand. Squeezing her eyes shut, she began to weep again.

Chakotay was stunned by the intensity of her reaction to his comments. He had glimpsed her vulnerability from time to time, but this went far beyond what he would have expected to see from his captain. She was always so careful to maintain her veneer of professionalism in front of her crew, and most of the time, with him as well.

Chakotay ached to take the hurting soul he was in love with into his arms to comfort her, but he couldn't bring himself to cross the boundary of rank and take advantage of her pain to satisfy his longing. He tentatively reached out his hand and rested it lightly on his captain's shoulder.

Janeway felt her First Officer's gentle touch. She opened her eyes to see that he had pulled over a chair and was sitting beside her, with an expression of deep concern on his face. She met his gaze evenly and said, "I can't get over the feeling that I murdered someone in cold blood today, Chakotay. If I had it to do over again, I would make the same decision, but my mind still keeps coming back to that thought."

"Tell me what happened," he said.

"The Doctor wouldn't perform the separation, so I had to. I'd prepared myself for that possibility, but when it came down to actually doing it…" Her voice trailed off.

Chakotay sat quietly and waited for her to continue.

"After you left us alone in the briefing room, I tried to reason with Tuvix. I guess I expected the same dispassionate responses I would have gotten from Tuvok, but he had a rebuttal for every point I tried to make. Tuvix insisted that he was as real as any of us, and that the separation amounted to an execution." She paused for a moment and then admitted, "It got to me."

"I could see that during the scene on the Bridge. For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing."

"Did I, Chakotay?" she asked, and then looked away." He was right, you know. He was just as alive as Tuvok and Neelix. He had as much right to live as they did." She looked at Chakotay again. "I wrestled with that until I was sure that separating Tuvix wasn't something I was doing for my own convenience just because I wanted my two crewmen back."

"What tipped the balance?"

"Believe it or not, something Tuvok tried to impress upon me a long time ago. He quoted Ambassador Spock – 'the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few'."

"Or the one," said Chakotay.

"Or the one," she said, looking down at the floor. "It pretty much rolled off me back then, but I guess enough must have sunk in for a time like this." Janeway looked him in the eyes. "I passed my first Delta Quadrant Kobayashi Maru, Chakotay, but you're right – it's not the same. I'd have given anything if there'd been some kind of computer to reprogram that would've let me cheat my way out of this one, like Kirk did at the Academy."

"James Kirk may have cheated and gotten away with it, Captain, but his logs show he took the loss of every crewmember under his command personally," said Chakotay. "That's what made him a great captain, and it's what puts you in his league."

"Oh, don't put me in the same company as Kirk just yet, Chakotay." She looked away. "I was a coward for not returning to the Bridge, or at least to my Ready Room. I couldn't face the crew, not after that outburst."

"They all understood, Captain, especially after Harry returned to his station and told us the Doctor had invoked the Hippocratic Oath and refused to do the separation. Everyone was concerned for you."

"And probably grateful that it wasn't them who had to make the decision. It's days like this that make me wish I'd stayed a science officer."

"Believe me, Captain, when I say I know that feeling well. Starfleet or Maquis, there's a weight that comes down on you once you've had to make that kind of choice from several really horrible options. I became a captain out of necessity and was forced to make life and death decisions that will haunt me until the day I die. The best either of us can do is to find some way to live with it. Too bad that ingrained Vulcan 'needs of the many' emotional dampening field isn't hardwired into us."

"No argument from me there." She sighed and looked back at him, saying, "Thanks, Chakotay. I pretty much know all that, but it helps to hear it from a voice outside my own head. That makes it feel like something other than just my own rationalization."

"Glad I could help," he said. Chakotay paused for a moment and then said, "Not to change the subject, but have you eaten anything since this morning?"

"I'll replicate something."

"Neelix is back in his galley, Captain. Come to the Mess Hall and have supper with me, and stay for the quiet gathering Neelix is holding after the dinner shift. He and Tuvok are each going to say a few words in memory of Tuvix, and they both asked that I invite you. Neelix said that if you would join us, it would help raise crew morale. Tuvok thinks it would reassure everyone."

Janeway hesitated, and Chakotay could sense the uncertainty pouring off her in waves. He said, "No one will think any less of you, Captain, because of this. The crew respects you and follows your orders without question because they know there's a compassionate heart underneath the command presence, even if they don't see that part of their captain very often."

A smile slowly crept across Janeway's face. "Thank you again," she replied. "Have you always taken such tender care of all your captains?"

"Only when they let me," Chakotay said warmly. He extended his arm. "May I escort you to dinner?"

Janeway stood, tossing off the afghan onto the chair. She straightened her uniform, and quickly checked her hair to be certain there were no stray out-of-place wisps. She took Chakotay's arm with a radiant smile as they made their way to Deck 2 to officially welcome home their two newly returned friends.