Authors Note: I guess this could be considered a crackfic. I just wondered one day what it is like for my handful of Transformers to live on the shelf and what they see. So, here's my attempt to interpret that. Just so you know, here's who lives on the shelf:

MP Starscream Wal-Mart Exclusive, Movie redeco Thundercracker, G1 Re-issue Skywarp, G1 Re-issue Red Alert, and an RX-8 Alternator "Shockblast".

Hope you enjoy it! I'd love some reviews too! If it's received well I'll consider doing a series of these oneshots. Much love and many cookies will be given to reviewers!

King of the Shelf

Starscream surveyed all that lay around him. This was his domain and no one else's. True, he wasn't the largest being in this world, but that was irrelevant because even with his diminutive size here, he was still far superior to all the others, especially the humans.

From what Starscream had observed in his short time here on the shelf there appeared to be five humans who inhabited his kingdom. There was a full grown male and his femme and three younglings. His subjects seemed to be happy overall with the occasional disagreement breaking out, especially between the younglings. Starscream didn't like the little ones. They were too noisy for his tastes and also, in his view, dangerous. He had observed them from his haven and watched as they destroyed many toys, many of those toys had been Transformers. Starscream also didn't care much for the male because of the obvious disdain he held for Starscream and the other occupants of the shelf. He had often overheard the fleshling deride those who lived on the shelf by saying that they looked awful and that Transformers were "shit". The stream of insults flung at he and his other shelf dwellers incensed Starscream no end and he longed to show the male just what a null ray could do, but, alas, he could not and merely had to suffer in silence. The femme, however, was different. She obviously knew how to treat a king with the respect he deserved. Often she would walk by the shelf and stop and say a kind word. Or when she was doing her weekly cleaning routine she would dust him off most gently. While she would eat her meals she would look up from where she sat and smile briefly at him. Yes, she knew her place. Starscream smirked. Well, he smirked all the time. It was the face that the femme had chosen; the one that she felt epitomized him best. He had to agree.

"What are you doing now Starscream?" Skywarp asked his wing mate.

"What does it look like? I'm presiding over my kingdom."

"Your kingdom?" Skywarp chuckled to himself. "Your kingdom consists of a shelf high off the ground with me, Red Alert, Thundercracker, and that Shockwave that isn't really Shockwave because he is a car and not a laser gun! Some kingdom."

"Shut up or I'll frag your aft! It may not be a large kingdom, but it is a kingdom all the same and it is my kingdom!"

Skywarp decided to take the Air Commander's advice and shut up. When he was in one of his moods it was best to not get him started or else he would carry on for ages. Skywarp's arms shifted slightly as he continued to gaze out into the mirror that hung opposite their shelf. This was the only way he could see Starscream, as he could not turn his head. Skywarp wasn't as grand or blessed with multiple articulations and ball and socket joints. No. He had heard the femme refer fondly to him as a "G1 re-issue" which was merely a fancy way of saying that he was a copy of his original toy. He cursed the fact that Starscream was so popular. He'd had several "upgrades" over the years while he and Thundercracker always lagged behind. So, here he sat on the shelf and all he could really do was wiggle his arms to show his irritation with Starscream. His legs didn't even move, for Primus sake! Skywarp sighed and considered "king" Starscream's reflection in the mirror with a baleful look.

"So what's going on today?"

"Not much. It's quiet today. The younglings must not be here."

"Thank Primus for that!"

"Indeed. They give me a terrible headache."

"Ha! Poor ol' Screamer! Can't handle the noise. At least that's the only thing you have to worry about!"

Skywarp had first hand experience of the younglings. All mechs- no, no, what was the human term? Oh yes, boys. They were rowdy, rough and constantly were running amuck through the house. The femme would yell and shout at them if they got too much, although she had her tender moments with them as well. If one got injured she would administer one of her magic kisses that seemed to cure the worst bump or scrape. Skywarp often would laugh to himself that Ratchet would kill to have the ability to do that, although he doubted that the other Autobots in his care would be too keen to have "The Hatchet" kiss them better. Anyhow, the femme had the audacity to allow the largest of the boys to play with some of them on the shelf. She always would give stern warnings though.

"Yes, you can play with Skywarp. But you must be careful and when you're finished you must put him back. DO NOT lose any wings, guns or bullets! I'll have your head if you do!"

"Yes, mummy."

Skywarp didn't mind the oldest boy. He actually had a very gentle touch and was very careful when he transformed him. Considering that Skywarp's hands, cannons, wings, tailfins and ailerons had to be removed to transform him, it was amazing that he was still in one piece, as it were. There were times when the oldest would want him to be in his altmode and would sometimes ask the femme for help. These were the times that Skywarp lived for. The little boy would hand him over to the femme and she would carefully put the wheels in place, occasionally adjusting a wing or making sure a tailfin was properly attached. Then she would carefully check over his stickers and ensure that there was no damage there and smooth them over, just for good measure. Although she couldn't feel it, Skywarp would shiver slightly at her touch. It was just nice to know that someone cared, even if it was only for a few moments.

"So, uh, Starscream, what is she doing?"

Starscream's smirk grew even more, "And why do you care, Skywarp?"

"Uh, oh, no reason!"

"Have some stickers that need touching up?"

"Frag you."

Starscream cackled at Skywarp's indignant tone and then answered him, "If you must know she's just sitting there."

"Just… sitting?"

"Yes, oh, wait… no, she's watching…" Starscream strained to get a better view of the television in the mirror and groaned.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"Not again! She's watching the blasted cartoon again! Will she never tire of it?"

"Which episode?"

"Which do you think?"

Both intoned at the same time. "Microbots."

Starscream grumbled, "Why does she like that episode so much! I'm hardly in it!"

"Does it always have to be about you, Starscream?" Skywarp sulked like a spoiled child.

"Of course it does! I am the king here, you know." Starscream seemed to puff his chest out a bit, as if that were possible.

Skywarp rolled his optics. "She likes all of us equally. That's why she put us up here. We belong to her."

"You, Skywarp, are delusional! Have you not seen the way she looks at me? The way she plays with me?"

Skywarp grumbled. He had noticed. How could he not notice it! She constantly fawned over him and would take him off the shelf and carefully transform him in to his altmode and then back into robot mode and spend ages posing him just so.

"Can't you two shut up?" Thundercracker groaned. "Does it matter how much she plays with us or how often she takes us off the shelf?" Thundercracker wasn't that fussed about how often he was taken down. He was thankful to the femme for saving him. Originally he had been purchased for the oldest boy, but had been mistreated. His bullets had been lost and his tailfins torn off and thrown carelessly to the floor. The last straw came when the dog chewed one of the tailfins. Upon finding this, the femme carried on a bit, grousing about how the boys did not take care of their toys. The whole while she put him back together, found all of his bullets and then carefully placed him on the shelf. So, needless to say, he felt happy to be where he was and felt fairly loyal to the femme.

Thundercracker was roused from his revelries by the sound of the ongoing bickering from his wing mates.

"Of course it matters! It only goes to show who she likes the best," Starscream truculently wailed.

Skywarp shouted back, "You know what Starscream, I'm sick of this! Let's make a deal, ok?"

"I'm listening." His tiny optic ridges rose in interest.

"The next one she picks up off the shelf is the king of the shelf."

Thundercracker knew this was going to go very badly and shook his head. "You sure you want to make a deal like that, Skywarp?"

Starscream smirked again and spoke before Skywarp had a chance to reconsider what he was saying, "You have a deal."

The day passed and the femme had only cast glances their way. The waiting was becoming agonizing. Starscream had complained on and on about it, much to the irritation of Skywarp and Thundercracker. They had watched as the humans sat and ate their evening meal. Once the younglings and the male had left the table, the femme looked up at them and smiled.

"Are you ready to bow down to your king, Skywarp?" Starscream sneered.

"Shut the frag up! It'll be me!"

Thundercracker merely sighed.

The femme sat and looked at them for a moment more and slowly rose from the table and walked over to them. The three Seekers waited with baited breath. The femme smiled and moved a hand towards Skywarp. He couldn't believe his luck! Closer her hand came when suddenly there was a crash. The femme's hand dropped back to her side and her expression was one of puzzlement.

"No! No! No! Pick me up!!! Now!" Skywarp strained to try and see what had fallen, but no thanks to his design, he could not and the femme blocked his view of the mirror. Frustration mounted. Thundercracker simply sighed again. He had seen it all.

The femme began to move again and Skywarp started to feel excited as her hand moved close to him and then… passed him!

"WHAT?!" Skywarp shouted to himself.

"Oh dear! Now how did you manage that, Starscream?" The femme carefully picked up the fallen Starscream and the stand he had just fallen from and carried him away from the shelf to sit at the table. As she carried him off, Starscream shot his comrades a triumphant sneer.

Skywarp fumed and glared at Starscream. That slagging bastard! That scheming, two-faced, bigheaded jerk! That Starscream was… a fragging genius.

"Thundercracker, you want to know something?"

"What's that Skywarp?"

"He had planned that all day long."

Thundercracker had watched Starscream's nearly imperceptible wiggles on his stand all day and was not surprised in the least at what had just happened. He shook his head and answered back cynically.

"Really, you think so Skywarp?"

"Hey, TC."

"What?"

"We've been had. Again."

Thundercracker nodded, "Yes. Yes we have."