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Here's the epilogue and conclusion to The CullenAry Arts, hope you enjoy and have a good week!

Part One: Mike's Pike

Therapist's POV

Hmm...

This was one of the most vexing cases I'd had since the traumatized acrobat who'd been distracted by the clown, and then fallen off the trapeze into the marching band. She'd had to have two years of specialized therapy before she would even consider taking gymnastics again.

My latest patient, and sad, scrawny boy named Michael Newton, more often known as Mike, was being rather difficult. He'd attended a Culinary Arts Camp not too long ago, had some traumatic experiences, and been forced by his anxious parents to come here, to therapy.

I sighed patiently. "Are you sure, Mike, that this resembles a pike?" I once again held out the inky Roschire test. To me, it distinctly resembled a symmetrical, black butterfly, but...

"Y-yes..." He mumbled, clutching the waist of his jeans, as if he were afraid they would fall off.

"Okaaay..." I smiled comfortingly, and then lied easily to him, "You're doing a very good job, Mike. I feel we're making good progress." Lies, all of it. This last hour, all he'd been rambling on about was pikes, pants, and a boy by the name of 'Cullen'. I gathered that Mike didn't like 'Cullen' all that much, because every time his name was mentioned, Mike would shriek out, "FILTHY CULLEN!!!" and then have to take a few minutes of calming time.

However, I could never got him to tell me who exactly 'Cullen' was.

I glanced discreetly at the clock. Ok, twenty more minutes with Mr. Freaky, twenty more... I slipped the Roschire test into one of my desk drawers.

"So, Mike," I began, pressing the tips of my fingers together while leaning my elbows on my desk, "How do you feel this therapy has been working for you?"

He paled. "Oh... uh... g-great, I think..." He blinked a few times, and then seemed to focus his attention on something behind me. "OH GREAT GOD!" He screamed, thrashing out of his chair and crawling pitifully away from... something, tears pouring down his face.

"Mike?" I asked, worried. I turned around in my wheely-chair to see what in the world had upset him, and immediately figured it out. It was a plastic salmon; the kind of novelty one you can get at a trinket shop. The kind where if you press the little yellow button to make it sing an amusing song.

Hurriedly, I grabbed it down from the wall, pulling out the nail, and threw it under my desk. Mike was now in a fetal position, sobbing on the floor. I quickly went over to him and helped him onto the couch.

He gasped, and jumped up, scrabbling at his pants in a panic. "Are they still there? Are my pants still there?" He kept asking, hyperventilating by now.

"Yes Mike, they are." I told him in a calming tone, bent on soothing his distressed state. I gently forced him onto the couch and pulled up a chair so I could sit next to his bedside.

"Is the pike gone?" He whimpered, shaking timidly.

"Yes, Mike, it's gone." I said in a voice that might suggest I was talking to a five-year-old. "It wasn't even a pike, really, it was a salmon. A plastic one." I added for good measure.

Big mistake.

"NOOOOO!" Mike squealed, shrinking away from me, clutching his pants like a lifeline, his eyes rolling to the back of his head.

"Mike! Calm down! It's okay, nothing will hurt you!" I urged him, my voice breaking slightly.

"N-no-nothing?" He hiccuped, sniffling. His blond hair was even more disheveled, his blue eyes red-rimmed and puffy.

"Nope, in fact, I'd face wild barracuda before I'd let any harm come to you, right, Mike?"

Another big mistake.

"BARRACUDA?! BARRACUDA?! IT'S A FISH! PIKE! PIKE!" He screamed on and on and on. He dug his fingers into the fabric of his pants.

I sighed. The situation had gotten out of hand; Mike was having a mental breakdown while writhing violently on the couch. Usually, I tried to avoid this, but it was inevitable. Today had been a bad day.

So there was only one thing I could do.

Taking a deep breath and backing away from Mike, I quickly pulled out a small, handheld tranquilizer dart gun from a hidden 'emergencies only' compartment behind a plastic plant.

"I'm sorry, Mike." I aimed, squeezed my eyes shut, and pulled the trigger with shaking fingers.

Thoop, went the gun.

"Aiiiiiiiiii!" Went Mike, his screams gradually fading until the office was silent. I opened my eyes.

Mike lay peacefully on the floor, a tranquilizer dart poking out of his left thigh. He drooled a bit.

I sighed and dropped the dart gun, sinking to my feet, my face in my hands.

This was how most of my sessions with Mike Newton ended.

Part two: Jacob on Sesame Street

Jacob's POV

Stupid, stupid, STUPID leech!

Thanks to him, I got food poisoning and spent the last twenty-four hours being sick and woozy.

Right now, I was propped up on about five faded pillows, in my own bed. Sometimes I cursed my werewolf genes; I was so big in comparison to my bed, my legs dangled off the end and the mattress sagged inward because of my wolfish weight.

The hospital had released me only about three hours ago, and I still had no visitors. Billy wasn't what I categorized as a 'visitor'. No Sam, no Embry, no Quil, no anybody. I would have thought they might have at least dropped by, considering I blamed Sam for everything that had happened. At least Emily would be happy...

"Jake? You up?" Someone called. I jerked up, much to the dislike of my stomach. It sparked with pain for a second, and then I answered in a tight voice, "Yeah, who is it?" It wasn't Billy, I knew that, at least. It was one of my pack members, but who?

The door creaked open, and, to my vast surprise, Leah Clearwater pushed her way into my room.

"Leah?!" I asked, incredulous.

She smirked, but then scowled. "Yeah, I wouldn't have come. But ol'Sammy," She sneered, "Ordered me to come check up on you..." She sighed.

I frowned. "Why couldn't he have checked himself?" I was mystified.

Leah laughed dryly, "Oh, he's busy."

"Busy?" I asked. "Like, as in busywith... E-emily?" I blanched.

This time, Leah laughed a genuine laugh, although it was mocking. "No, silly boy! Not like that, you pervert!" She scowled again. "Sam's wondering when you can get to his house."

I rose an eyebrow. "Why?"

She fidgeted nervously, playing with the hem of her shirt. "He just needs you to get to his house as soon as you can, OK?" She shrugged and hurriedly pushed her way out of my room without looking back.

I was suspicious. Why would Sam need me? I supposed this was why he hadn't visited or anything. Weird.

Gingerly, I sat up. Okay, no pain so far... I slowly set my feet on the floor and put some weight on them, preparing to stand up. A hollow ache ran through my stomach, and I winced, but kept going, until at last I had succeeded in getting onto my own two feet.

"Ugh..." I grumbled, shuffling out my door, into the cramped hall, and past a sleeping Billy in the living room. I quietly crept out the front door, and into the cool, moist air of La Push. I inhaled contentedly, and slowly set off toward's Sam and Emily's house.

In La Push, being the tiny Indian reservation that it is, houses are generally spaced quite close together. I only had to hobble down the road a bit, make a right, and then painstakingly walk up their gravelly dirt driveway.

The house was quaint; much nicer than Billy's old shack, which hadn't had a decent paint job in about ten years, and seemed to glow with an inner force that just kind of drew you in. I laughed inwardly as this reminded me of the witch's gingerbread house in Hansel and Gretel.

I knocked on the front door. I heard a bunch of voices inside; they sounded stressed and irritated. I was perplexed. What was going on? This had better be worth it; I would never have gotten out of bed with a sour stomach of free will. Sam just had to be Alpha, didn't he?

The smells of food suddenly struck me, I hadn't noticed them before. I detected... peanut butter, sesame, oil, and... shrimp? I hated shrimp.

"Uh, guys? Are you gonna let me in, or what?" I asked impatiently, turning the doorknob and pushing the door open of my own accord.

The sight I was met with almost literally blew my eyes away.

There was uncooked rice scattered everywhere.

Everybody in the room; Sam, Embry, Emily, Quil, Paul, Jared, Seth, and Leah, for that matter, had frozen in their places once I'd opened the door. Seth dropped a large bag of sesame seeds from his frozen fingers. The entire scene reminded me of a herd of deer I'd once seen, frozen in the glare of car headlights.

"What the hell?" I exclaimed, taking in the bizarre scene.

"It's really not what you think!" Paul cried out, his eyes flickering from Sam to me and back again.

"Is this why you wanted me to come down here?!" I asked incredulously.

Sam blushed and looked at his feet. I noticed he was wearing a "Kiss the Cook" vintage apron. "I'm sorry, Jacob, it's just that Emily wanted someone to stir the dumpling sauce... we're having a big La Push get-together, Asian-style, tonight. Isn't that great?" Sam attempted to sound enthusiastic and earnest, but only succeeded in sounding meek and cheesily convincing.

I sighed angrily at my pack-mates, who shrunk a little at my death-glare, but before I could do anything, Emily slipped a tiny whit apron over my head and tied the strings behind the back. ON the front was printed in big, bold letters : HOT DOG, and a picture of a Dachshund was settled beneath. I might have laughed at the irony, but didn't feel up to it.

"There you go, Jake." Emily smiled a big, white smile at me, "I'm so glad you guys went to that camp, it's been a bug help here at home." She gestured around her.

I frowned, but Sam hissed at me, "Don't you dare, Black!"

Stupid Alpha.

I sighed. "OK, Emily what should I do?" I plastered a fake, cheesy grin on my face. Sam smiled in relief, but everyone else just looked tiredly sympathetic.

"You can go help Seth over there with all those sesame seeds." Emily smiled again cheerfully and then left me to go help Embry cook the dumplings.

I muscle was going in my eye as I slowly went over to Seth, who was hastily scooping up the sesame seeds he'd spilt. I took a deep breath and bent down, helping him scoop up the mess. He cast me a grateful look, and I shrugged.

I inwardly shed a tear for each seed I picked up.

Part Three: CACI Memoirs

Edward's POV

It had been a week since the "Culinary Arts Camp Incident", or CACI, as my siblings and I liked to call it.

Thankfully, Carlisle had apologized profusely for his error of selling our cars, and had managed to track all of them down and buy them back. He'd had a bit of an issue with reclaiming Rosalie's BMW, but when Rosalie came and slapped the adamant new-owner, she'd quickly gotten it back. Thank goodness! I shudder to even consider what kind of awful happenings might have occurred if fate flew otherwise...

Alice was back getting us stock market funds, so we well off once again. About $200 million in the old bank account now, I think...

Anyways, right now, I was content. More content than I had been for about two weeks now.

Bella was curled in my lap while I sat on my bed, reading once again, that book, Wuthering Heights. I still wondered to this day what she found so very interesting about it.

Suddenly, she snapped the book shut and set it down. I looked at her curiously. "What?" I asked as she pouted for some reason.

"No matter how many times I read that, it always annoys me how, no matter how much Heathcliff and Cathy loved each other, they ended up marrying other people!" She sighed and rolled her eyes.

I chuckled. "Now Bella, from my perspective, it adds more depth and complexity to the story. Drama, too."

She nodded slowly, but sighed. "I suppose so, but still..." She reached for the book again to continue reading, when my hyperactive sister came bouncing through my open doorway. I scowled.

"What Alice?"

She laughed, completely oblivious to my annoyance. "Come on guys! I finally did it!" She squealed and bounced downstairs, where I heard my family's thoughts. They, also, had been called down by Alice by her mysterious new 'achievement'. She herself was blocking her thoughts from me with that hideous song Strawberry Fields Forever by the Beatles, a group from the sixties that I had sorely detested.

I sighed. "It seems that there's going to be a family meeting."

Bella smiled brightly. "OK, let's go. Alice looked really excited."

Yeah... and that's a good thing? I thought to myself, grimacing inwardly as I scooped Bella up into my arms and ran downstairs in the blink of an eye.

"Nice of you to show up." Alice reprimanded me as I set down Bella and sat down in a cushy recliner. She nestled herself comfortably in my lap again.

"Don't be so harsh, Alice." Rosalie grumped from the couch, obviously impatient for whatever was to come. "Get it on with."

"OK," Alice chirped excitedly. Jasper decided to help his wife's performance, and began circulating all of her giddy emotions around the room until everyone, even me, was extremely riled up and tense from the suspense. Alice grinned and gave Jasper a thank-you peck. "Now," She continued, stealthily pulling a thick, yellow envelope from under the couch cushion, "I have successfully transferred all of the photos, or memoirs, you could call them, from the CACI, into SLIDES!!!"

I blanched. The photos? Oh no, she didn't... That one with me and the... thing was bad enough, but the other ones? That crossed the line of intense humiliation.

"Alice..." A warned her reproachfully, but she paid me no attention. Instead, she flitted out of the room and back again, this time dragging a slide projector with her. Before anyone could do anything about it, she plugged the thing in and turned off the living room lights.

The machine made a variety of loud noises, but no one paid attention to that.

On the wall, was a large projection of me. Yes, me. In a pile of clothes, of course, and very angry. And, again, with the stupid bra on my head.

You might think one would get tired of seeing such a photo so many times. Such is not the case in my family. Everyone burst out in hysterical laughter, even me, I couldn't help it! Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Jasper were howling especially, as they had never seen it before. Bella laughed uncontrollably from my lap.

Alice giggled and promptly moved on to the next slide. It was the one from the night of the spaghetti fiasco.

"I took that one!" Emmett yelled above all the laughter. The scene showed both Alice and Jasper, covered in spaghetti sauce, and kneeling on the floor slurping up the vile stuff. I grimaced in my laughter. I myself, in the photo, was laughing maniacally while being chased around by an angry Ms. Yapp. I also noticed Bella was passed out on the floor.

"I'm glad I wasn't awake for that..." She mumbled from my lap, blushing furiously. I laughed.

Alice clicked to the next slide.

Eurgh... It wasn't very pretty.

The photo showed my Bella, my Bella, her face twisted up into a heinous snarl, her eyes dark and angry. She had cornered that one girl, Carly Rae, at the stove. The girl's hair had just caught fire, and the both of them, Bella and Carly Rae, were caught in the moment of grappling at each other in unhindered fury.

My family was silent for a moment, the only sound to be heard was Bella's heartbeat, until Emmett let out a chuckle.

That opened the floodgate.

Jasper fell to the ground shrieking with mirth, and that set everyone else off, howling and hysterical, sometimes falling off their respective seats. Bella blushed furiously and hid her head in my shaking shoulder.

"Don't... worry... love..." I managed to gasp out, "You gave that girl just what she needed, no need to be embarrassed..." I started laughing uncontrollably again, and Bella had to hang onto my shirt in order to stay upright.

Alice, in all her giggliness managed to flip to the next slide. To my great surprise and amusement, it was a photo of Newton getting his pants ripped off.

"I didn't see you take that one." I gestured skeptically at it, a grin growing uncontrollably on my face.

"You didn't." She laughed, "I took it when you all were busy gluing your eyes on him and nothing else.

Jasper got up from his little happy-spasm, and glanced at the wall, unaware that Alice had changed the slide.

This time, he broke for good.

He was so incapacitated my his emotions of extreme amusement, he didn't even break a laugh. His thoughts were wiped blank, and he fell over backwards, knocking over a lamp. Esme gasped, but dismissed the incident when she herself started giggling.

Carlisle howled uncontrollably, doubling over and using Emmett for support. Emmett boomed with laughter like a bomb, the entire house seeming to explode as his boisterous screams echoed through the house. The girls giggled, and Bella was turning red, not from embarrassment, but lack of oxygen this time. I gently patted her back as I chortled maniacally.

I do not think there is a soul in Forks that did not hear our mirth that day.

THE END!!!!

BYYEEE! I LOVE YOU ALL!

VeggieVamp