Author's Note: I'm going with Angst/Romance because I'm still afraid of Hurt/Comfort... It sort of confuses me. The drinking age in Japan is 20. I figure that in Konoha, if the rules are like anything in our world it's Japan. This one's a little darker than my last holiday fic. I have terrible trouble with endings. Happy New Year.
Disclaimer: Naturally, I do not own Naruto. I'm not going to bore you with a description of what I would do if I did. Needless to say, I'd be an antisocial little man with a cramp in my hand, sitting in a room and slurping ramen.
Parties had never struck Kakashi as attractive. To him, they were little more than an excuse to get drunk. He had been invited to very few in his seventeen years and had attended even fewer. They generally cropped up around the time of a birthday or a holiday, neither of which Kakashi ever felt much inclined to celebrate; holidays reminded him of how he was alone and birthdays reminded him how long it had been that way.
There was always one party, however, he took special care to avoid; as a joint birthday and New Year's party, it was twice as bad as most. Every year on the thirty-first of December, Maito Gai would host arguably the most notorious party of the year, celebrating both the birth of the new year and of himself. As Gai's eternal rival, Kakashi had been invited to all of the previous parties; he had made sure to be out of town on all three occasions. Upon his return rumors of the scandalous events that took place would be floating all around the village, but Kakashi made a point of never appearing to feel left out. He was better off uninvolved, he told himself; nothing good could come of going. The veracity of this statement was cloudy, however, as he would usually spend the first evening back indulging in some of his self-destructive tendencies.
This year, Kakashi was not so lucky. Fearing that his rival would be tied up with missions by the time the party rolled around, Gai had gone to Sandaime himself and requested that Kakashi not be given any assignments that would get in the way of the party. An agreement had been made and an amused Hokage had relayed the information to Kakashi. Shocked, an irate Kakashi had run home, torn his uniform off, and punched a hole in the wall between his bedroom and bathroom. It wasn't until after that that he took the time to ask himself why he was even upset in the first place. As he did his best to clear the rubble and patch up the wall, he contemplated the situation. What did he have to gain by going to the party? Mental scars and a hangover, surely, and he had had his fair share of those. But what did he have to lose?
Dignity jumped almost immediately to mind. But did Kakashi really have much dignity left? Perhaps in some circles people considered him well dignified, but as far as he was concerned he had lost the right to be prided long ago. Besides, just agreeing to spend time with Konoha's self-proclaimed Blue Beast was a black mark on his record if anything ever was. That aside, what did he really have to lose?
The answer, he surmised, was nothing. With a sigh, he resigned himself to the inevitable; he was going to Gai's party.
Gai had been ecstatic when he confirmed this; he had shouted something about youth, which Kakashi naturally paid no attention to. What worried him more than Gai's attempted bear hugs, though, was the knowing smile Asuma had given him when he had mentioned going to the party. Uncharacteristically nervous, he had pressed Asuma to give him more details, but all he received was a suggestive smirk and tantalizing hints. "You'll never look at – ahem – certain people the same way again," he had said, and his cough had sounded suspiciously like a name. "You'll go home satisfied," he had said with a sly wink.
"Satisfied my ass," Kakashi muttered, shoving his hands angrily into his pockets. As he spoke, the fibers of the red scarf he had wrapped tightly around his face stuck to his tongue, itching his nose and worsening his mood. Snow was blowing about violently, whipping his hair back and forth and tying his own blue coat around him. His fingerless gloves scrabbled for warmth within the depths of his pockets as he battled his way through the blizzard, focusing solely on his destination.
Gai had the gall to own a house, not an apartment; his parents had left him a considerable amount of money and he had, of course, used it to buy himself a proper house. Rumor had it that it was quite large, far on the east side of Konoha where all the expensive houses were; quite a distance from where Kakashi got by on the considerably nonexistent amount of money his parents had left him, barely paying the rent in one of the cheapest apartment complexes in Konoha. He was now being forced to march clear across the village to the exact opposite side, endangering his life at every turn.
He had never been to Gai's house before, but he picked it out right away as he finally approached it. The place was like a gingerbread house, with multicolored lights strung all over its brick exterior in a dazzling array. Heaps of snow lined the meticulously shoveled path, acting like walls that closed in on Kakashi as he hurried to the front door. He rang the doorbell feverishly before returning his hands to the warmth of his pockets. As he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet, he could hear laughter and music drifting out from within the house. Approaching footsteps alerted him to the presence of his savior from the cold; there was a clicking noise and the door was thrown open, revealing a tall figure standing in its wake.
"My eternal rival!" Gai exclaimed, throwing open his arms in welcome. "How admirable of you to finally attend one of my celebrations!" Kakashi stared, temporarily bemused, at the man framed in the doorway. He wore a wreath of holly around his head and numerous beads hung around his neck. He was sporting his usual green Spandex with some ridiculous sort of sash tied around his middle. A banner reading "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR FAVORITE GAI" was wrapped around him as a toga and he was, as per usual, grinning toothily, oblivious to his eccentric appearance. "Come and join the festivities!"
Kakashi pushed past him wordlessly, inhaling deeply as the heat spread through him. He impulsively tugged down the scarf so that he could better breathe in the warmth. This rash action was met with a chorus of gasps; the party-goers had noticed his arrival and the rare glimpse of his face was causing much excitement. An angry blush rose in Kakashi's face as he shielded it with an arm, shaking his coat off and tossing it irritably at Gai. Making sure it was secure, he re-tied the scarf so that it concealed the lower half of his face.
Gai let out a hearty laugh, hanging up Kakashi's coat in the closet. "Oh, my eternal rival, your contemporary coolness never ceases to amuse me!" He made an attempt to clap Kakashi congenially on the shoulder, but Kakashi stepped out of the way. He couldn't help but smile deviously as Gai stumbled theatrically, catching himself just in time to stop from falling into Asuma.
"Whoa, watch it," Asuma warned, his cigarette jutting out of his mouth and pointing at Gai. "I'm sure you don't want to greet the new year with no balls…" His voice trailed off as he caught sight of Kakashi and his face broke into a grin.
"Hey, Kakashi!" he said, jumping to face the new arrival. "I can't believe you made it; I would've thought you'd be too scared of the storm to come out!" He cackled good-naturedly at the scowl on Kakashi's face. "Aw, show some holiday spirit," he said, downing the rest of his beer. He tapped his nose knowingly, winking at Kakashi. Kakashi knew better than to let it irk him any further; he could tell that the rosiness already evident in Asuma's cheeks was doing the talking. He shook his head and didn't bother to stop Asuma from patting him on the back. "Good luck," he whispered before turning to talk to Genma.
Kakashi sighed, imagining a hung over Asuma calling him at four in the morning to complain about his head. It was not an inviting scenario, but it was one that unfortunately occurred quite frequently; Kakashi was not looking forward to it. For the time being, however, he resolved to enjoy himself as best he could and save the worrying for later.
The smell of food caught his attention; his searching eye found the table in the center of the next room over which was laden with a vast assortment of food. As he navigated through the throng of chatting people, he noticed that the interior of the house was decorated almost as exquisitely as the exterior. Warm light emanating from the numerous lamp and chandeliers illuminated the whole place. There were red flowers lining the railing of the staircase; wreaths and assortments of flowers hung throughout the house. Stretched across the doorless entrance to the dining room was a much larger version of the same banner Gai had tied around himself, although someone had taken a black marker and changed "GAI" to "GAY". Chuckling, Kakashi traipsed underneath it and into the dining room.
This room was darker but smelled richer than anywhere Kakashi had ever been. Dishes of warm food were lined up and down the long table, leaving hardly any of the fine white tablecloth visible. Eagerly, Kakashi grabbed a plate and silverware (enclosed fashionably in a seasonal red napkin) and stocked up on sushi and rice, chicken and noodles. He turned his nose up at the many variations of tempura but helped himself to copious amounts of eggplant stew. He selected a light beer as the accompanying beverage and, quite pleased with himself, leaned casually against the wall and began to eat.
As he enjoyed the best meal he had had in ages, he observed the other diners. Some younger shinobi he did not know were gathered along one side of the table; they were speaking loudly and animatedly, occasionally interrupting themselves only to throw a nervous glance his way. He suspected they were kids who couldn't care less about Gai's birthday but showed up as a way of asserting themselves as worthy players in the game. Kakashi snorted into his beer as the thought occurred to him; he would imagine that the invitation was something to shy away from, not to envy.
"Kakashi?" The sound of his own name drew him away from his musings. He turned to see a girl his age waving energetically in his direction; the corners of his mouth curled up in a smile as he recognized her. He waved back, albeit lazily, and felt a strange sensation in his chest as she beamed back. It's probably just the alcohol, he told himself as they waded towards each other.
"Hey Kakashi," Rin said as they met near the foot of the stairs outside the dining room. She was wearing a soft blue sweater and neat brown jeans, her socks fuzzy and a pale shade of lavender. Kakashi felt somewhat self-conscious of his own black turtleneck and jeans; they weren't exactly in top condition. He nervously tugged down one of his sleeves, trying to ignore the fabric itching against some of his more recent scars; this was immediately matched with a wave of guilt in the pit of his stomach.
"Hi Rin," he said, praying his cheeriness masked his distress. "Enjoying the party?"
Rin nodded. "Kurenai and Shizune and I have all been hanging out together," she explained. "It's sort of our annual ritual." Her wide eyes lit up as she continued. "I'm really surprised to see you here this year!" It was a statement, but Kakashi could sense the question "Why did you come?" peeking out hopefully from underneath.
"Gai made sure that I couldn't get out of it this year," he said, scratching the back of his neck. "He actually went to Lord Hokage and requested that I not be sent out while his party is going on."
At this, Rin laughed. The pure sound of her laughter reverberated inside his head, each note sending a tingling sensation through his body. He permitted himself another smile as she smiled warmly at him, her eyes shining.
"Have you been enjoying yourself, though?" she asked, her voice laced with genuine concern. He hated it when she looked at him like that; it sent daggers through his heart and made him feel like telling her everything. As always, however, he resisted the urge to spill his thoughts and feelings to her and shrugged.
"I suppose," he said. "I haven't been talking to anybody, really." He glanced over the top of her head at a group of rowdy guys including Asuma and Genma. Unsurprisingly, empty bottles littered the table nearest to them and their movements were staggered; it was clear that they had been drinking.
Rin turned and saw them too. She frowned, biting her lip as she looked back at Kakashi.
"I hate it when they get like that," she muttered. "We're not even twenty years old, but they still see fit to fill their bodies with that poison…"
Kakashi eyed his drink guiltily. He himself had first started drinking fairly early on: after he had started cutting but before he had first tried recreational drugs. Still, he saved getting drunk for 'special occasions', as he called them, and didn't necessarily approve of drinking for the sake of merrymaking.
Rin followed his gaze and sighed. "I suppose it's pointless," she murmured, looking at the ground. "No matter what the evidence is, people can't stop finding ways to hurt themselves…"
Kakashi mentally cursed the heavens. As if I don't feel guilty enough… He leaned forward a bit and tapped her on the chin. She lifted her face to meet his one-eyed gaze. The wrinkles on his face suggested a smile, but she could tell he was hiding something behind it. Lurking in the obsidian were worry and guilt, two expressions of Kakashi's that were all too familiar to her. She knew that Kakashi was no stranger to self-harm; her medic's eyes had picked up the scars on his wrists and the deep circles under his eyes years before. She had encountered him hung over several times and even recovering from a bad trip once. She usually kept silent and let the incidences slide, but when she had stepped on a syringe on the way to his hardly conscious body nearly a year before she had lost her nerve. She had shouted herself hoarse and he had cried himself dry; by the end, he was shuddering so violently she thought he would break. After that, she periodically checked his nose to make sure he hadn't been using inhalants and had given him several drug tests. Now he always came out clean, and Rin treated this as a small victory. Small steps, she would tell herself. Small steps.
Kakashi scratched the back of his neck again, his discomfort obvious. He glanced nervously at his drink.
"I'll stop, if you like," he began, but Rin shook her head. She forced a smile onto her face.
"Don't worry," she said, hoping her cheeriness didn't sound too false. "Just enjoy yourself, okay?" She smiled encouragingly at him and he returned it weakly. Now more than ever he wanted to apologize for worrying her, but the chance was stolen as a deep voice boomed, "SILENCE!"
The entire house fell silent as everyone, a little startled, directed his or her attention to the source of the voice. Gai was standing on top of a table, tapping a wine glass with a spoon. He wore a grin on his face so broad the surrounding muscles were trembling.
"Everyone!" he called, looking around at the assembled guests. "It is time for…"
He paused dramatically, waiting for a drumroll. It never came.
Undeterred, he cleared his throat and tried again. "And now," he announced, "without further ado, we shall commence the opening of the gifts!" He looked around at the guests expectantly; there was polite clapping to appease him. He leaped off the table and pranced over to where his gifts were sitting in a corner of the main room. Most people began making their way in that general direction; subsequent invitations were often earned by participation.
"Let's go," Rin said, nodding her head towards Gai. Kakashi followed her silently as they joined the gathering crowd.
With much flourish and many exaggerated reactions, Gai worked his way through his birthday presents. Each revelation was met with a tearful cry of joy and a bone-crushing hug for the gift giver. As the reactions grew steadily more violent, Kakashi and Rin were in danger of being swamped by wrapping paper. They escaped the onslaught by slipping unnoticed up the stairs; all the others were too busy fearing for their own health to pay them any heed.
"Glad we got out of that," Kakashi breathed, wiping nervous sweat off his brow. He and Rin were now standing alone in the upstairs hallway; the sounds and lights of the party below seemed almost alien.
Rin giggled softly, stifling her laughter with a hand. Kakashi watched her cheeks flush and felt his own blood course at a heightened pace through his body.
"So…" He ran a hand through his mane of silver hair, looking around. The hallway was dark; the light downstairs and the moonlight seeping in through the large window at the hall's end were the only sources of light. "What do we do now?"
Rin shrugged, looking around as well. "Maybe we could…" Her voice was quiet and trailed off into silence; she almost seemed to be talking more to herself than to Kakashi.
Kakashi swallowed past a lump that had formed in his throat. His stomach felt strangely queasy; he assumed it had something to do with the alcohol. He watched Rin bite her lip and registered just how close they were standing. He found himself getting hot; he wiped his suddenly sweaty palms on the sides of his jeans.
Rin turned and began to walk down the hall. Kakashi watched her walk for several seconds — surely it was just the alcohol making him study the movements of her hips so closely, so hungrily — before following her. She stopped at the window, placing her hands on the sill and looking past the frosty panes. He stood behind her like a shadow, peering over her shoulder.
"The snow stopped." The breath was almost a whisper, collecting on the glass. Kakashi at first said nothing, not wanting to break the spell, but as the moisture faded from the window he spoke.
"That's good," he said; he too found himself near a whisper, as if they were doing something forbidden. "It won't be such a pain walking home then." He wasn't even aware of the words coming out of his mouth; he was just talking to avoid silence, focusing on her face as her soft features were bathed in moonlight.
"Mm." Stealing his trademarked response, she turned her head to look at him. He could see the reflections of stars twinkling in her eyes, making them sparkle like diamonds. He was looking at her with both eyes now; one looked blue in the moonlight and the other was tinted purple. She watched the wonder in his eyes as he regarded her as if seeing her for the first time— and she felt close enough for their eyes to be touching, to melt into each other…
Without warning, he pulled the scarf down to pool around his neck and kissed her. He wrapped his arms around her form, running one hand through her hair and the other down her back. His eyes were closed tightly as he pressed his lips against hers, his tongue almost begging for entrance. She wasted no time being startled, woven as deeply into the moment as he. She quickly parted her lips and let him deepen the kiss, entwining her fingers in his silvery hair. His wandering hand found her hip and he tightened his hold on her, backing her into the wall. They were delving farther and farther into the kiss as the party continued below them; they were detached from the world around them, disconnected from any reality but their own.
Gasping for breath, nature forced them to pause. Their lips broke apart but they remained in each other's embrace, chests heaving, as their lungs were re-filled with air. The oxygen surged through their bodies and revitalized their brains, grounding them back into reality. Both opened their eyes and were caught in the other's gaze again. Slowly, Kakashi ran his fingers through Rin's hair. Out of the corner of her eye, Rin saw a scar running across his wrist where his sleeve had been accidentally pushed back. The blue light of the moon cast an eerie light on it, and suddenly everything felt wrong. As Kakashi cautiously touched his fingertips to her cheek, oblivious to her change of heart, Rin recoiled.
Kakashi jerked his fingertips away as if he had been burned; his startled gasp was barely audible but Rin still heard it. His eyes were wide and the light reflected in them gave the illusion that they were shaking. Although he said nothing, afraid even to breathe, his shimmering eyes were asking, "Why?"
Rin gulped, trying to steady her own shaking. Calm down, she told herself. Calm down. It's only Kakashi. But Kakashi was part of the problem. Rin was scared; she was scared of the surreal light of the moonbeams and how they cast the scars in sharp relief— the scars that ran over his eye and across his wrists and through his heart. He had scars everywhere, crisscrossing his body and mind in a spiderweb of pain, and she was afraid she wouldn't be able to heal them all.
"You…" she began, her voice trembling. "You…"
She swallowed and took a deep breath, readying herself for what she had to say.
"We can't do this," she said a little more firmly. Kakashi's eyes widened fearfully, flooding with regret, and she hastened to continue. "We can't… not if… not if you're always…"
"Always…?" Kakashi's voice was less than a whisper and shaking even more than hers was.
"Always… Always hurting yourself, Kakashi!"
She has spoken much more loudly than intended. Kakashi froze, his eyes wet and glittering and his lips slightly parted. It made Rin want to cry, him looking at her like that, but she forced back the tears and plowed on.
"I mean…" Her voice was softer, and she took one of his hands in hers. The pace of his heartbeat sped up as she pushed back the black fabric of his sleeve to his elbow. He whimpered as if pleading her to stop, but she went on to place her fingertip on one of the scars now clearly visible on his wrist. "How could we ever be happy if you're doing this to yourself?"
Kakashi swallowed, his entire body shaking. Soundlessly, he opened and closed his mouth several times before speaking.
"I… We…" His voice trailed off as his eyes darted nervously between Rin, his wrist, and the window. "But Rin, I can't… I can't help it." He was looking down at his arm again, repulsed by the sight.
"Of course you can help it," Rin said kindly. Unconsciously, she put more pressure on Kakashi's fresh scar tissue, sending an involuntary shudder coursing through his body. He shook his head, pressing his lips together into a thin line.
"No," he whispered. "I can't."
Kakashi lifted his gaze to meet hers again. He looked frightened, but Rin couldn't tell what of. She bit her lip in an effort to stop it from trembling.
"Why did you do it?" There was no accusation or pleading in her voice, just quiet curiosity.
Kakashi bit his lip as well. He tried to divert his gaze to the window again but Rin brought it back with a gentle squeeze of his wrist. His eyes swiveled to lock with hers.
"I do it for a lot of reasons," he said, concentrating on keeping his voice even. "I started… I started when my father died, and… I haven't been able to stop." Neither blinked, not daring to break the connection. Rin's expression did not change, and Kakashi unwillingly continued.
"I… I did it to calm myself down," he said quietly, and it got harder to hide the unsteadiness. "And it worked." There was disgust in his voice as he muttered the last part, breaking Rin's unyielding gaze to glare instead at his wrist. He said nothing for a full minute before speaking again in a controlled but angry whisper. "After awhile, I stopped caring if it helped or not. I did it because… because it hurt, and that felt good." He shut his left eye as a tear rolled out of it. He looked back at Rin, squinting through the collected tears in his right eye. "I've tried to stop," he said, his voice a frightened whisper. "I've tried, but it's the only way… the only way…"
"Only way what?" Rin's tone was subdued but unbroken.
Kakashi gulped. "It's the only way I can punish myself."
"Punish yourself?" Rin repeated incredulously, her grip on Kakashi's wrist tightening. He winced, squeezing a tear out of his right eye. "Why on earth would you need to punish yourself?"
"Because I deserve to be punished," he said, his whisper now flat and deadened. That tone scared her more than any other. A vulnerable and pleading Kakashi she could console, but she could not help a stone cold one.
"And just what gives you the idea that you deserve this pain?" she asked angrily, her voice shaking with every syllable.
"I've hurt so many people," he whispered, sounding faintly horrified. "If I had been better… If I had worked harder… I could've saved them…"
"Kakashi, if you're talking about Obito—"
"It's not just Obito!" he snapped. "There're others, so many others… There's my father and my mother and Sensei and countless others whose deaths could've been prevented, whose lives could have been saved— and there's you, too, Rin, I've hurt you so much and I can't live with myself—"
She cut off his rant with a quiet, trembling question.
"Don't you think this hurts me?" She was tracing one of his scars with her thumb, caressing the damaged skin almost lovingly. "When I try so hard to help you but you deliberately hurt yourself anyway?"
Kakashi sucked in a deep, shuddering breath. He was shaking almost violently, whimpering as Rin stroked his itchy skin. His guilt and self-loathing only intensified as he felt spikes of pleasure creeping up his arm where she was applying pressure to his irritated skin. Sometimes, he really did make himself sick.
"I do it because I hurt you," he said. "Not to hurt you."
"It does hurt me," she replied softly.
"… It's a vicious cycle," he muttered bitterly.
"It doesn't have to be."
He re-focused his gaze on Rin, who was fixing him with a determined look. It was only now that he noticed the glittering tear tracks on her cheeks; when had she started crying?
He inhaled deeply, trying to ignore his own tears. "O… Okay," he choked. "I'll… I'll… I'll try to stop." He hesitated before correcting himself. "I will stop."
At this, Rin's worried frown transformed into a smile. She opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by a loud roar from downstairs.
"And now, let us welcome a new year and the hopes and opportunities it embodies!" Gai's voice rang throughout the entire house, followed by deafening cheers and whoops.
Both Rin and Kakashi wiped the tears from their respective faces, sniffling in unison. She took his hand and led him back down to the party. They descended in silence, but as they reached the foot of the staircase they found an impromptu welcoming committee waiting for them.
"Well, well," Asuma said slyly. "Look at who we have here…" Somewhere behind him, Genma whistled.
"And what have you two been doing up there?" he called, his voice drawling suggestively. "Nothing… naughty, I hope?"
Rin's face jumped from pale to a deep shade of magenta. Even Kakashi's cheeks were pink as he re-adjusted his scarf, folding his arms across his chest.
"Sorry to disappoint you, but no," he said, regaining his usual composure. "Unlike you two, my life isn't dictated by my—"
"Then why's she blushing?" Asuma threw in, jabbing his cigarette in Rin's direction.
"Yeah," agreed Genma thickly. "And why'd you two come down holding hands?"
Thankfully, Kurenai and Shizune fought their way over, sparing Kakashi the need to answer. The former rolled her eyes as Asuma winked at her, fingering his beard in what he thought to be an undeniably sexy manner.
"Hey babe," he said throatily. Kurenai sighed impatiently.
"Come on, Romeo," she muttered, grabbing Asuma by the arm. She herself was slightly inebriated, too, and most people made room for her to drag him to the exit, nearly as unbalanced as he. Shizune pulled Genma away too; he looked dangerously close to passing out.
After that, people started to clear out. Gai was standing at the door in a rigid salute, thanking people cordially as they stepped back into the cold. Kakashi and Rin were some of the last out, grabbing their coats as the designated clean up crew started to tidy things up.
"So glad you could make it this year, my eternal rival," he said, grinning broadly at Kakashi as he buttoned up his coat. "I was most impressed by the jutsu book you bestowed upon me!"
"It was nothing," Kakashi said absently.
Gai laughed. "Au contraire! It was splendid! As was the green scarf you knitted me, Rin!" He nodded and winked at Rin, who went scarlet and mumbled something. "I shall cherish it forever!" He snapped his head back to Kakashi with an unpleasant crack. "I was sorely disappointed when you were not present at the drinking contest, however! I would've loved to have challenged you!"
"I was in the bathroom," he answered automatically.
"And during the dancing contest?" Gai hiccoughed.
Kakashi nodded. "Bad sushi," he said, putting a hand to his stomach.
Gai gasped, scandalized.
"How terrible!" he exclaimed. "I shall have to reprimand the chef!"
"You do that," Kakashi said, securing his scarf. He stepped out the door, Rin close behind him. Gai waved enthusiastically at the both of them, shouting heartfelt farewells that were lost in the roaring of the wind. Rin scrunched her face up against it, shoving her hat down farther over her ears. She and Kakashi walked briskly down the road, past the other houses where parties were still going on.
A sudden, strong gust of wind hurtled past them and Rin clutched onto Kakashi's arm for support. At first he stiffened, but then her warmth relaxed him and he let her rest her head against the crook of his neck. Together, they trudged through the freshly fallen snow, emboldened by the presence of the other and the resolve to heal.