As We Continue To Hurt

Chapter 1: Genesis

Disclaimer:

ZOMBIE-LOAN belongs to Peach-Pit and Square Enix. There will be yaoi content, so feel free to hit the back button if you're uncomfortable with such stuff. I only own this plot idea. Thank you.

Full Summary:

They were two different souls, chained together by an accident – literally – of Fate. Once, their relationship was just purely that of two reluctant working partners. Just comrades – nothing more, nothing less. But things were never that simple, and they would just get more and more complicated…

He had never gotten along well with Chika from the start. Theirs was an unplanned, chance meeting that had in turn bound them together by the chains of Fate. Literally. They were both just reluctant working partners with vastly different, contrasting personalities, fighting between themselves just as often as they worked together to bring down unruly zombies. Theirs was a warped, never-ending cycle of hurt and then some strangely companionable reprieves during their civil, perhaps even somewhat friendly, moments.

He was quite sure that Chika had long noticed the manner of their relationship, but probably not the full extent of it. Loud and brash as he was, Chika was undeniably the innocent one out of the both of them and definitely far too young to see how dysfunctional everything between them truly was.

Their dynamics had never been too overly complicated. However, that was because he had always been hiding. Hiding emotions and unbidden desires that threatened to take hold of him and control his actions. Should they ever burst forth from behind the long-standing dam that he had forcibly, painstakingly reinforced, the consequences would undoubtedly be dire.

With that knowledge, he had sincerely hoped that nothing would cause that dam to break. Too much was at stake for those around him… and for himself too. So he stayed distant from everyone, regardless of who they were and what era it was. Despite his politeness and supposedly amicable nature, nobody knew him. He didn't let them. He wouldn't. Already Chika was too close – in many sense of the word – to him than what he was usually comfortable with. But it had worked well; he was able to withhold his less than healthy thoughts and change his intents into physical or verbal sparring with the silver-haired teen.

However, his life was never that simple. Things began to change six months later, on the day they had both bumped into one Kita Michiru.

It wasn't totally her fault, he supposed. She didn't even know what she was getting into from the time she agreed to help them. She certainly didn't know about just how messed up he was. Nobody knew that, save for a certain someone whom he preferred not to think about at all if he could help it. But sometimes, Shito wished he could put the blame entirely on the lavender-haired girl. For it was due to her appearance that caused his dam to slowly start crumbling.

From the start, he'd known that Chika was quite naïve and that had inexplicably drawn him to the teen. After watching his interactions with Michiru, which were so much more open and friendly than to him or anyone else he remembered, he had felt a sudden sense of longing for close contact, and it didn't have to be literal. Not just any form of close contact from anyone too, but specifically from Chika himself.

That had never happened to him before. Or at least not on as large a scale as this. He had gone through the years feeling some attraction towards people he had met, just never so badly. It was very likely to be because, before Chika, he had never let anyone get close to him physically and hence, nobody else had had a chance to get under his skin. Sure, he hadn't had a choice with Chika, what with their swapped right hands and all, but it was the concept that counted. Honestly speaking though, Michiru herself had also played a part directly in opening him up to a rather foreign idea called friendship with her soft-spoken ways but genuine words. That combined with his already rather aggressive desires whenever Chika was concerned, Shito knew that it was just a matter of time before everything he'd been meticulously hiding would come to light with all the grace of a charging, rampaging herd of elephants.

To avoid that, he had maintained his distance as usual. But it was becoming harder and harder to ignore his newfound feelings and the accompanying pain he felt as he played the role of the silent observer. The cycle of hurt and reprieves had affected only him. That is, up until the arrival of Shiba Reiichirou. From then onwards, Chika had been pushed into that cycle unknowingly and his dam had started crumbling at an even faster rate.

From the moment he had set eyes on Shiba Reiichirou, he'd had an odd but immediate dislike towards the teen. While he could say that it was because Shiba was a stranger to Z-Loan and hence should not be involved in their matters, much less butt in without permission and go on to act like he knew everything about the case, Shito knew deep inside his heart that it was because of jealousy that brought about most of those ill feelings he felt.

Jealous of the close bond that Shiba so obviously shared with Chika despite the both of them not having seen each other or kept in touch since middle school ended.

Jealous that he could bring such a bright smile to Chika's face by just being there.

Jealous that Shiba could do all the things that he, Shito, could not.

His dislike for the young man grew and reached its peak on the fateful night where they confronted him on the rooftop. Shiba was the Butterfly, and Shito could tell that it was causing Chika equal parts of pain and confusion at that revelation. He had gone through many things in his long life and was long accustomed to having the worst possible scenarios thrown into his face, but he had never felt betrayal by a close friend before simply because he had none. Judging by the expression on Chika's face, however, Shito knew that it was definitely a horrible feeling. Hence he had acted rapidly, switching hands with Chika and then firing at Shiba in hopes to end this quickly. But he had only injured Chika who had covered his gun just as he'd fired the shot.

Shito hated the smiling brunet even more at that moment.

He hated the brunet for causing him to hurt Chika when all he wanted to do was to save the boy from more pain of any kind. He also didn't understand why Chika chose to continue to believe in his friend despite what was clearly displayed before them. But there was nothing he could've done when Chika asked him not to interfere besides proclaiming that Chika was an idiot for doing that. The worst thing to Shito though, was that it even hurt by just verbalizing that even when he knew he was saying the right thing. Why couldn't Chika see that his old friend was no longer who Chika thought he was? Damn it!

So he had kept out of Chika's way as he watched the silver-haired teen try his best to reason it out with his friend. When Shiba had knocked Chika to the floor and proceeded to step on his chest, it was all Shito could do to not act recklessly there and then. He still remembered that his earlier shot had injured Chika rather than Shiba, and he wasn't going to risk something similar happening again. Even if it meant that he was slowly killing himself with a mixture of roiling hatred and nauseating worry by just watching and doing nothing.

However, when Shiba had leaned over Chika and licked his chest with those revolting words… something in Shito just snapped. If anyone were to ask him why he had reacted in that manner, he would say that he was just using the opportunity to disarm Shiba. Or just to save Michiru from witnessing something she wasn't entirely ready for, even if he didn't know if that was really true. But in all honesty, it was because jealousy and possessiveness had taken control of him at that point and all his thoughts centered on how he would not let it continue beyond that lick.

That move, while it had prevented anything from progressing further, had caused him to become injured and basically rendered quite unable to help Chika anymore. However, as that shot and Shiba's subsequent attack on Michiru had also made Chika return to his senses and start attacking his former friend, Shito supposed that in a way, it had helped.

In the end though, it was Michiru who had stopped Shiba by taking Shito's gun and firing a shot at the other man just as he was gaining the upper hand on Chika. To say that everyone present was surprised would be an understatement. Nobody had thought that the girl had it in her to fire a gunshot that was meant to kill. While Shiba hadn't "died" due to that shot, it had caused him to stagger backwards and off the roof.

Shito had thought that that was that, but no. Of course things never went so simply. Chika had dashed forward and held onto Shiba's hand as the other toppled off the roof. Chika was once again trying to convince Shiba to turn over a new leaf, but it appeared that the brunet didn't want that. Shiba's hand had then slipped out of Chika's grasp, and in the end, the Shinigami reaped him right before their very eyes.

Shito hadn't been able to see Shiba's expression when Chika was speaking to him. But he had the feeling that, somehow, Shiba understood that to accept Chika's offer would be to pull the silver-haired boy down into an abyss of never-ending darkness. Perhaps not all of the old Shiba that Chika knew had been lost, and perhaps that part of Shiba had rejected Chika's offer just to save Chika from losing his precious innocence and naivety. Shito would never know, and didn't think he would really want to know if it were true. It'd be much easier to hate Shiba Reiichirou if he appeared to be just a bastard and nothing more.

Certainly, Chika was devastated when Shiba was reaped before them. But Shito wasn't surprised that Chika would not cry. Pride would not let Chika do that. That said, he was pleasantly surprised when Chika had leaned against his back in a figurative and literal show that he wanted, possibly needed at that point in time, Shito's support as a friend. And Shito wasn't going to complain about that at all, past the token protests that were part and parcel of their dysfunctional relationship.

However, Chika was still noticeably quiet and melancholic during dinner that night, and hadn't wanted to spend the night alone. He'd tried asking Michiru if he could stay in her room for the night, but understandably, Michiru hadn't agreed to his request even in the face of what Shito had identified as Chika's use of puppy dog eyes. There were things about propriety after all, and girls tended to be very much more sensitive to them than boys – even in the face of pleading it seemed.

So when Chika turned to him, he had immediately rejected the boy. Other than the fact that he really valued his privacy, there was the thing about Chika, his room and the two of them alone that would not be a very good idea. But he should've known that Chika wasn't so easily deterred; Chika was extremely stubborn when he wanted to be. So it really shouldn't have surprised him as much as it had to find Chika in his room, which he had conveniently made a mess of, and lying on his bed.

The fact that his eyes were first drawn to Chika's exposed belly button instead of the litter on the bed and floor was totally irrelevant.

They ended up having a rather civil, perhaps even friendly talk about what had happened earlier as well as where zombies went after they were reaped. It appeared to Shito that Chika seemed to have recovered from the experience of betrayal, although Shito honestly doubted that. But he'd accommodate Chika's wish to not talk about himself as much as he could. Afterwards, he could justifiably kick, perhaps even literally, Chika out of his room before the boy had any more fancy ideas. Unfortunately though, he hadn't had the chance.

"Say, Shito… Can I sleep here tonight?" Chika asked, gesturing at the room and the bed.

"What?!" No way. He hadn't heard Chika correctly.

"Please? C'mon, it's not like you're a girl…"

Say yes, Shito's heart screamed at him. But he knew that he wouldn't be able to hide anything if he agreed to Chika's request. Having Chika in his room doing nothing remotely inappropriate was already a bad thing. For him to stay overnight… and on the same bed… "No."

"Aww… Please, Shito…"

At that moment, he made the grave mistake of looking at Chika.

Those damn puppy dog eyes. Shito had never had them used on him before until now, or at least not the full out, maximum, complete version of them. But now, he understood just why Michiru had had to dash away from the dinning hall earlier – they were damned near impossible to resist. Furthermore, at such close proximity to Chika, his resolve just melted away as if it were nonexistent in the first place.

"…Fine."

After his agreement, Chika settled down next to him on the small, single bed. It was difficult for Shito to ignore his presence, but he was determined to try. He'd almost succeeded in doing that and was about to fall asleep when he suddenly felt a sensation that was suspiciously like someone nuzzling him. Since Chika was the only other person on the bed, the boy was the only likely person to be doing the nuzzling. However, Shito was sure he had to be imagining it and dismissed it without further thought. But then he felt Chika place a hand lightly on his hip and heard his voice whisper against his ear, "Shito…"

"Akatsuki! W-what are you doing?!" This was doing nothing to help maintain his already strained composure. It was all he could do to prevent himself from turning around and… Right, it would be for the best if he did not complete that thought.

"Look at me, please?"

Knowing that his fate would be undeniably sealed if he did so, Shito tried his best to resist that plea. But that uncharacteristic pleading note to Chika's voice made him eventually turn around despite all logic and reason rebelling violently in his mind.

When he caught sight of those beautiful golden eyes so close to him, he had almost forgotten to breathe. God, he could drown in them… "W-what is it?" he asked, failing to hide the stutter or to make his voice sound even vaguely annoyed.

He wasn't given a verbal answer, but Chika continued to look at him imploringly and the hand resting on his hip slid up to his waist. Shito swallowed, fighting the urge to grab the other and ravish him senseless. Chika wasn't asking for that. He definitely wasn't.

"Make me forget tonight. Please, Shito."

Before he had even clearly processed everything, he already had Chika's lips captured in a fierce kiss. God, Chika tasted just as wonderful and pure as he'd imagined the other would be. Even knowing that acting like this without questioning Chika about what he meant would surely arouse suspicion had Chika been thinking clearly, he couldn't bring himself to care. Especially since Chika had just moaned appreciatively and clung to him tighter in response.

All sense of logic and coherency flew out of the window when their lips parted simultaneously as if on an unseen cue and their tongues tangoed together sensuously. It was an absolutely heavenly feeling and he wouldn't have been able to stop even if his life depended on it. He had been wanting this for ages and as selfish as it was, he'd gladly take what had been offered to him right now.

In the span of what felt like a few seconds, their T-shirts had been divested and flung to somewhere in the room. He hadn't even stopped to consider that what they were doing was going to make a royal mess out of his usually impeccably neat and orderly room. This wasn't exactly the time. His hands then proceeded to roam all over Chika's torso as he occupied Chika's mouth with his own. Shito relished in the whimpers and moans that issued from Chika's lips as well as the shivers that ran through the boy's body whenever he teased a particularly sensitive spot. And when his tongue started wandering downwards as well, he had to use a hand to muffle Chika's cries in case someone came in to check. There was no way he was going to let anyone interrupt this.

"Shi- ah! Please… please…"

"Please what?"

"…Tease…"

"Tell me what you want," he murmured against Chika's ear. He enjoyed the sight of Chika gasping and struggling to form words as he continued his ministrations, deliberately trailing his hand lower and keeping his touch agonizingly light.

"…Always… such a… tease…" Chika managed to gasp out as he writhed against the sheets.

At this point, Shito was frankly a little surprised that Chika hadn't decided to take matter into his own hands and turn the tables on him. Chika wasn't known for being patient or passive. In fact, those were the words that one would never associate with him. However, once he had registered those breathlessly spoken words, Shito knew that something was wrong. Very wrong.

It took barely a heartbeat later for him to understand just why and even less time than that to feel as if a knife had just pierced through his heart.

Of course. He should've noticed it earlier, long before those words had been spoken. Like how Chika hadn't met his eyes, or opened them much for the matter, after his request. Like how unusually submissive Chika was behaving around him when the silver-haired teen was always anything but that. Shito didn't think he'd meet anyone with the ability to change Chika so drastically. But if he had to name someone, there was only one person whom Chika would allow to control him – Shiba Reiichirou.

It was a horrible feeling to know that he was being used as a substitute. But this… the pain hurt too much to be described. Of all people, it had to be that man. The one who'd hurt Chika so awfully in the first place… was also the one whom he craved. Why?

As such thoughts plagued his mind, it invariably affected what he was doing simultaneously. That had then caught Chika's attention. "Hey… Shi- mmpf!"

Shito never allowed Chika to finish speaking as he kissed him full on the lips, effectively cutting off the words. He didn't want to know whose name was on Chika's lips. He didn't think he could bear knowing. Besides, Chika wanted to forget and Shito was going to do everything in his power to make the silver-haired boy stop thinking about anything at all.

Within moments, he had reduced Chika's coherency to an assortment of whimpers, whines, gasps and moans by dipping his hand into Chika's pants and caressing him. Chika was indeed a sight to behold when he was caught in the throes of passion. It almost made him forget the pain lingering in his heart. Almost, because he knew that someone else had seen this enrapturing display before and that thought was still impossible to shake off completely even as aroused as he was. But he could put it at the back of his mind so that it was just a dull ache.

Intent on coaxing more of those wonderful sounds out of Chika, Shito managed to rid Chika of his remaining clothes and proceeded to lave a slow, sensuous lick down the boy's shaft. That brought out the first aggressive reaction from Chika since this whole thing had begun, who had bucked his hips upwards and suddenly grasped the hair behind his neck as the boy let out a loud cry of passion.

Shito was very tempted to hear that from Chika again, but he knew that it would definitely send people running over to see if anything was wrong. So instead, he murmured to Chika, letting his breath ghost deliberately over the other's skin, "Not so loud. You don't want anyone bursting in and ruin our fun… do you?"

"Nngh!" was Chika's reply.

Glancing up, Shito had to bite down hard on his lip to stifle the loud groan that had worked its ways up his throat at the sight before him. Chika was biting down on a hand to muffle the sounds he was making. It was just about the most erotic image he'd ever seen. Then when he realized that Chika was using his right hand, Shito's hand, he felt a sudden dizzying wave of lust wash over him instantly.

Almost immediately, he resumed his oral ministrations with renewed vigor, making sure to keep an eye on Chika to see how he would react to each stimulation. He was going to imprint every single moment of this into his mind.

Indeed, he had etched the memory of that night deep into his memory. He tended to like to keep physical mementoes of things that he liked or cherished, however there was no way to obtain a physical memento of what had happened between him and Chika. Unless he could have the boy for himself, which was an impossible thing to even hope for.

So Shito had spent the time that Chika was in an exhausted, but contented slumber imprinting all that had happened into his mind. Including how adorable Chika looked asleep and partially snuggling into Shito's side. He was once again struck by how innocent his silver-haired partner was. It felt wrong just to sleep next to the boy without doing anything else. He himself was, as he was consistently reminded, a monster with no right to taint someone so pure.

His thoughts had rendered him unable to sleep despite feeling tired. So he went about quietly clearing up the mess he and Chika had made with their haphazardly discarded clothes. There was, however, nothing he could do about cleaning his bed sheets when Chika was still sleeping peacefully on them. It'd be quite cruel to wake someone from the slumber of the sated. Or so he told himself. There was another reason, probably the only reason for his reluctance to wake Chika…

Shito wanted this moment to last forever.

Come daybreak, he knew that they'd both be forced to pretend that nothing had happened between them and go about their daily lives as per normal. Even if Chika acknowledged the incident, it would definitely be full of awkwardness and they would go back to their patented method of overcoming it – fighting with each other over mundane things. Either way, Shito was sure that Chika would draw a clear line between them with regards to their relationship. It would always be just that of working partners, at the best, friends. Because, who in their right mind would willingly be intimate with a monster like himself?

He honestly didn't expect to sleep for the night. But apparently his body needed some form of rest and he was unable to resist the urge to lie next to Chika to watch him sleep…

When the sun had risen the next day, however, Shito had found himself in an extremely precarious and compromising situation. Some time during the night, he had eventually fallen asleep and moved so that he was spooned around Chika. Chika had also shifted during the night, into Shito's embrace and also had an arm thrown over Shito's waist. They were definitely much too close to each other for Shito's comfort.

He had then mentally cursed his foolishness in both Japanese and Chinese. But if he could extract himself from their mutual embrace… he could escape further complications to the problem at hand. However, before he had been able to try anything, Chika had suddenly shifted against him and that movement brought their lower bodies into contact. Firmly.

Shito barely managed to turn his moan into a soft hiss at that action. It'd be a royal disaster for the status quo to remain the same any longer. If Chika kept that up, he wasn't going to be able to hold back. Especially since a part of him hadn't wanted to do that last night. He couldn't afford that. Not at all.

Figuring it'd be safer for him to have Chika awake and pissed at him, Shito roughly removed himself from Chika, deliberately jostling the other boy as much as possible. His movements caused a mildly irritated look to cross Chika's sleeping face. Shito decided that he would much rather be dressed before facing an awake Chika, and so went about clothing himself as nosily as he could. When that didn't help in causing Chika to wake up, he gave the boy a hard, deliberate poke to his side and that finally caused Chika's eyelids to flutter slightly before they slowly opened to reveal a pair of golden orbs looking blearily up at him.

"Oi. It's morning already. Get up and get out."

"Huh? What are you doing here, Shito?" It appeared that Chika still wasn't fully awake. That or he didn't remember the events of the previous night. Shito wasn't sure which scenario was worse.

"This is my room, Akatsuki," he said instead.

Chika blinked. Then a look of realization passed across his face as his eyes took in, well, everything. But Shito wasn't going to let him get a chance to say anything. "Your clothes are over there. Hurry up and put them on."

It seemed that Chika got the hint for he wordlessly stood up and headed to where his pile of clothes was. Shito turned his back as soon as Chika stood up and the covers fell away from him. He would soon be shamelessly and openly ogling the other boy if he didn't do that and that would render all his attempts at normalcy as actions done in vain. As a result, he hadn't seen nor sensed Chika's approach until two arms had wrapped around him.

Startled, he had jerked slightly before regaining enough sense to hold himself stiffly instead of melting into the embrace like he wanted to. Likewise, he managed to feign a protest, "Akatsuki! What are you doing? Let go!"

To his surprise, Chika did let go of him. However, it was only to spin him around so that they were face-to-face. Then before he knew it, Chika had leaned in to give him a chaste kiss on the lips. Shito was too stunned to do anything but stare in astonishment at the silver-haired teen. Chika couldn't have just done that… Then Chika murmured a soft "thank you", walked past him and out of the door.

It took a few moments after Chika's departure before Shito could bring himself to move again. One hand lifted up to touch his lips; he was still hard pressed to believe that Chika had actually kissed him of his own accord. Then his mind registered Chika's "thank you" and Shito didn't know whether to smile, to cry or to do them both at once, although he thought he had distinctly felt a crack opening up in his heart. And he had thought nothing would actually hurt him again, after all these longs years.

He didn't want just Chika's thanks, although he knew it was illogical to expect a confession of undying love from Chika at this point in time. Or more realistically, ever. Still, he was quite relieved that Chika hadn't apologized to him, or hinted that it had been all a big mistake.

At least in this situation, Shito would still be able to maintain his belief that Chika had genuinely wanted what had happened between them and that would help to lessen the strong feeling of how absolutely wrong it was for him to have eagerly taken advantage of Chika's vulnerability to satisfy his own selfish and perverse desires.

And chapter one's done! Angst seems to be my specialty... I almost always start of a new fandom with an angst fanfic. Hmm... This is also the first time I've done anything above a T/PG-13 rating, so I hope it's okay. As of yet, I don't know how many chapters this is going to spawn and chapter 2 is giving me some grief. I might do a companion piece in Chika's point of view though...

Hope you've enjoyed reading this! Oh, and a early Happy New Year!

carzla