The Art of War

1: 'In the News' for 400

"Hey Paula, come join us for a game of Family Jeopardy honey!" My Dad enthusiastically announced. Mom didn't even look up from her Blackberry. This week she fell 2 whole percentage points in the polls, which meant that she wouldn't be joining us for Family Anything for a while. I just sighed and plopped the game back onto the shelf, knowing that without Mom's influence we had no chance of recruiting my two brothers, Glen (The Basketball Star), and Clay (The Smart One) anyway. As for me, well I was Spencer, The Cheerleader, and despite my reputation as a harbinger of all things bitchy, I was actually a pretty good girl, and working very hard to keep my family together despite all the dysfunction that came with your mom being the Governor of Ohio. Did I take after her? Well maybe, seeing as how I did happen to be Leader of the Student Council, and head of the Prom Committee, oh, and I was running for Student Body President too, but I was hoping that's where the similarities ended. After all, Mom had no fashion sense. If it weren't for me and Diego, her stylist, I'm sure she would've never got elected.

Being the daughter of the Governor wasn't all prep school and ponies though, I did have some major responsibilities. My mom was what you'd call a "Fundie", that is to say, one of those religious nuts, or Christian Fundamentalists, who thought the world was only 2008 years old and flat. That meant that I had to work extra hard to stay on the straight and narrow, or at least, avoid being photographed anywhere on the wide and crooked.

"It's okay, we'll just play some other time." Dad chirped, trying to remain chipper despite the fact that his wife hadn't really spoken to him in a year and a half.

"It's time for the evening news." Mom declared brusquely, shutting off her phone and migrating to the living room for the 8:00 newscast, which was the only time the TV ever got changed from it's usual 24/7 channel, the Daystar Network. Now, this was usually the time I excused myself to go upstairs and pretend to do my homework and watch porn, but for some reason this time I hung around.

"Good evening Ohio, this is Diana DeGarza, here with your evening newscast. In the top story of the night rock legend and tabloid fixture Raife Davies has finally decided to retire and with that, has moved his entire family right here to good old Pinkerton. The family arrived this morning via private jet and includes wife, ex-supermodel Christine Vargas, and two daughters, Ashley, age 17, and Kyla, age 15. The Davies Estate has been in construction for over two years now and was the subject of much controversy earlier in the year when Governor Carlin put in an injunction against the building project, claiming it would occupy too much land that needed to be preserved. Davies won the ensuing court battle, and the project was just completed last week." All the color instantly drained out of mom's face as her eyes narrowed and I could feel her wrath through the couch cushions, I can tell you it didn't feel good.

"Davies!" She hissed, fists balling up at her sides, and I quickly slid off the couch and silently headed up the stairs. Raife Davies was her mortal enemy, and had been ever since they'd dated in high school, right before Mom met Dad and got pregnant with Glen. As I closed my door behind me and pulled on some earphones to drown out what I knew would be the impending meltdown, I sincerely hoped that Dad would survive the onslaught. When Mom got mad it meant a lot of Bible thumping, occasional Bible throwing, and more often than not, a ranting diatribe that made you believe in the goodness of swear words all over again. Trust me, once you've heard someone yell "freak" instead of the real F word a bajillion times, you really start to appreciate the value of an uncensored cuss out.

I was just settling down into my English paper that was due Monday, and by that I mean pulling up some good videos, when Mom came crashing through my door. I jumped, then yanked the power cord of my laptop out of the wall, sighing in relief only when I heard the Windows noise that meant it'd shut off.

"H-Hi Mom." I replied, glad that she seemed to be too enraged to have noticed my odd electrical stunt.

"Did you know about this?!" She asked, giving me 'that' look, the one that sent non-God fearing men running, hell, it sent most people running.

"No ma'am." I squeaked, tapping away at my laptop as if there was more than just a black screen up. She advanced on me, nostrils flared, probably to yell at me that I should've been keeping up with my duties and I was already cowering when her cell phone trilled.

"Paula." She said cheerfully in an abrupt about face until she heard the voice on the other side.

"Well Bart, it seems everyone neglected to tell me, so NO I DIDN'T KNOW DAVIES WAS MOVING IN TODAY!! Do you know what this is gonna look like to The Demographic?? It's like I'm just letting Satan himself waltz up and set up shop in our own dang neighborhood!!" I winced at the use of 'dang', then went right back to faux-typing as her gaze wandered back over to me, lowering my head behind the screen and hoping against hope that her top advisor, Bart, would make a better verbal pincushion that I did…he was squishier after all. After a few seconds of silence she exploded again in a fit of rage and almost-curses, then thankfully left my room. I sighed in relief, plugging my laptop back in and glancing skyward. I was guessing the Big Guy was trying to give me a message, so I just typed my paper instead of partaking in…other activities. See I believed in G-O-D too, in my mind he just wasn't the same dude Mom worshipped is all. My God was cool with the occasional skin flick in lieu of academia, I was a straight A student after all.

Some time later Glen hopped into my room, sweaty and disgusting from practicing in the driveway, and gave me a look. Clay followed surreptitiously behind him, looking around before squeezing into the doorway.

"What set her off?" He whispered, jerking his thumb in the direction of Mom's office.

"Haven't seen her this mad since Dick Linolli beat her for School Ward Five, and that was a while ago." Glen added, spinning the ball around in his hands. We all knew to be alert when she was in 'Righteous Anger' mode, because it was usually followed by 'Righteous Justice' mode, and that meant that we'd all have to make sure not to slip up lest we be disowned and lose the inheritance, now that would really suck. I, for one, valued my 3 series Beamer and would like to hold onto it for a little while longer. We all gave each other another look and put our fists into the trademark 'Carlin Circle'.

"We'll cover for each other alright?" Glen whispered and we all nodded, pounded on it, then the boys slipped away to their rooms and I took to ironing my uniform for school tomorrow before saying my prayers (extra loudly and with my door open), then slipping into bed. This was already starting out as one hell of an election year…

tbc

r&r