A/N I'm so sorry, again, for taking so long to post. This chapter was getting way too long, so I decided to split it up. Hope you don't mind, but I think there was a lot of stuff going on at this time, and I couldn't wrap Nesting Dolls up in a couple of sentences. I'm not going to even try to promise to post quickly ever again, because I'm likely to fail. My job seems to get in the way. I can however promise to finish the story! Hope that's enough…

A/N2 I just want to say a huge THANK YOU to the wonderful Butterflywhisper for always bringing a fresh take on a scene, and allowing me to see things from a different perspective. I love discussing CSI with you!

XXX

Back at the hotel Sara stood at the window looking out on the people rushing by on the streets below. They all looked like they had somewhere to go, like they knew where they were going… She wished she could feel like that again. Like she knew what she was doing. For so long she had felt like she was a passenger in her own life, drifting by without control over what happened or where she was going. Her only goal had been to escape her past, but the faster she was running the more she could feel it breathing down her neck. Until it had finally caught up with her. So here she was. And the only thing she knew was that she had to find her way back. To herself. To her life. To him… Home.

It was getting late, but she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep for a while yet. So she pulled a beer from the fridge and curled up in the chair by the window again, before once again letting her eyes rest on his familiar handwriting.

Feb. 3rd 2005

I've never dared to ask the hard questions before. It's so much easier to let things be, to pretend like you've tried, and to go on…Rationalizations… She had a lot of explanations for what happened, but we both knew none of them were the real reason. It's been there all along. Ever since Kaye Shelton… I've seen how cases like these affect her, and maybe I even asked her once or twice, but I never really gave her a chance to answer… until today. Michael, in The Big Chill, he had a point… I've spent the last 5 years rationalizing. How else could I justify the way I've been treating her. I've had a million excuses, all of them are bullshit. She's too young, I'm her supervisor, she doesn't really want me, I'm doing the right thing…Rationalizations… The truth is that I'm scared to death. That's the simple truth. Fear… it's one of the most basic human emotions. Fear is a survival mechanism. But I'm starting to wonder if the only way I can survive is if I can overcome it.

When Catherine told me what had happened I couldn't stop thinking "why?" Why are you doing this…" Ecklie told me to fire her of course, but I needed to hear her side of it. I needed to know why… I don't think I've ever been more terrified than when I was standing there outside her door. When I heard the knock my hand was making and the click of her door opening… I wanted to run.

But she let me in, and I asked her why. She told me to leave it alone. A year ago I would have. A year ago I did… before her DUI, I left it alone. I left her alone… It was the biggest mistake of my life. I've been taking the easy way out for too long, and it hasn't done any one of us any good. I've been rationalizing. I'm good at that. I've convinced myself of a lot of things to keep my distance, to not get involved…

I wasn't ready for what she told me. I wish I had been prepared. I wish I could have said something to make it better. She's the toughest person I know, and to see her brake down like that… it broke my heart. I would do anything to undo what happened to her, to her family. I think she's afraid people will see her differently if they know. She's afraid I'll see her differently. I don't… She's still Sara, she's still that strong, brilliant, beautiful woman I've always seen when I look at her. What she's accomplished, the woman she's become, she did that all on her own. The odds were against her, but she did it anyway. She didn't have anyone to tell her how great she is, to tell her how smart she is or how beautiful she is. She didn't have anyone to tell her how proud they were of her, to encourage her when she was down or laugh with her when she was happy. She did it anyway…

She asked me if I think there's a murder gene… She's the best person I know. I'd trust her with my life… She always tries so hard to do what's right, and she always puts other people first. It breaks my heart that she would even think something like that. She thought it was normal, the fights, the yelling. Why wouldn't she… how could she have known, when that's all she ever saw. Until that day… when her mother killed her father.

When it comes to Sara, words always seem to fail me. I try so hard to find the perfect thing to say, and by the time I figure it out, the moment has passed me by. I'm too late. But maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe I don't have to say the perfect words. Maybe I just need to tell her that I'm here, that I'm listening… so that's what I did. For the first time since I can remember I was just there for her. We were just Sara and Gil, and there were no expectations or doubts. I held her in my arms when she cried. For a long time I just held her. It was simple… I can't remember the last time anything between us felt simple…

I went to Conrad to talk to him about what happened. Catherine was there with him. They wanted to know what I was going to do. When I told them I wasn't firing her he didn't like it, but I don't think he was surprised either. He told me she's a lose cannon with a gun, and that she's "all mine". I guess that's his way of saying that he's counting on her going off the deep-end and taking me with her when she goes down. He doesn't know her at all, and still he finds it so easy to judge her…I'm not a violent man, but when he spoke those words about her, I wanted to hurt him… I don't think I've ever felt anger like that, and I don't know how I managed to let him walk out, but I'm glad I did. I do know that she deserves to have someone stand up for her, and no matter what happens in the future, I'll never regret being that person.

Sara wasn't sure what had made her go off like that. It had all just become too much. She had always told herself that she was dealing with it, that she was fine, that she just needed to focus on work, that it was no big deal. It was in the past… The truth was that she had never really dealt with what happened to her back then. When that social worker took her hand and led her away from it all, she buried it. Deep. And she never spoke of her mother or her father again. Not unless some social worker or psychiatrist made her. And even then, she only told them what she knew they wanted to hear. She learned that early on. The truth, her real thoughts and feelings and fears, she kept them locked up deep inside, never letting anyone come close. Until that day when he finally broke down her walls. When he stopped leaving it alone. She had always been terrified that someone would find out. Because she knew that once they knew, they would never look at her the same way again. She would become that thing that happened to her… When she was in foster care she was the girl whose father was stabbed to death. It became her identity. That's all anyone ever saw looking at her, and after a while she stopped trying to be anything else. She hid, in her books, in her mind, in her own skin. She hid. So when she was finally old enough, when she moved away on her own, she swore no one would ever know. And she became good at keeping secrets… even from herself.

When he came to her apartment that day, she knew he'd been asked to fire her. And she never would have asked him not to. When he asked for an explanation, she did give him rationalizations. He wouldn't have it. He knew what she was doing, and he didn't let her get away with it. She had known he would see that she was making excuses, but she had also counted on him accepting them and letting it go. She expected him to back down, to take the out that she was giving him. Especially after that remark about choosing men who are emotionally unavailable. But not even that scared him off… It was the tone in his voice when he said "it matters to me" that weakened her fences, and it was the look in his eyes when he said "I wanna know why you're so angry" that tore down the last brick in her wall. "My mother killed my father…" With those five words she opened a box that had been buried in her heart for all those years, and gave him a trust she had never given anyone else in her life. And when it was all too much, when she couldn't be strong anymore, he took her hand and gave her his strength. He didn't say much, but she didn't need him to. He was there. He didn't run. And for once, it wasn't the least bit complicated… He was her friend. She told him her deepest darkest secret, and he told her it was going to be okay… And sitting beside him, feeling the warmth of his embrace, for the first time she actually believed that some day it might be… It was the beginning of something more, of a friendship she thought was lost forever.

Feb. 10th 2005

It's been a busy week. But we're talking again. Ever since that day last week, it's like things are different. I don't know if it's because of me or if it's because of her… maybe it's the both of us. Maybe I really can change. Sofia said something that got me thinking. "DNA is what we are, not who we are." What we are never changes, but who we are never stops changing. And for the first time, I feel like I'm changing. Sara and I…we… the first shift after I went to her apartment, I called her in the morning when I got home. To check on her, see if she was okay… And then after the next shift I did it again. And we've been talking. About things that actually matter. About her past, about our relationship, about what happened to us. I've come to terms with a lot of things lately, and I know that if I'm going to be happy, truly happy, then the first step is to stop lying to myself. I love Sara. I want a relationship with her. And because I've been terrified of how much she makes me feel, I've been protecting myself by pushing her away. I know I have a long way to go, I need to earn her trust back. But this, what we're doing now, it feels like we're healing. Both of us. And I don't know what that means, or where it'll take us. But I know I want to find out. I want our friendship back, and hearing her say that she wants that too, it made me feel like I could fly…She makes me feel that way every day…

She came into my office today. I asked her if she's doing okay…She is… She's doing better. I suggested to her the other day that maybe she should see someone, to talk about what happened to her. Help her work through it…She didn't say no, but I know she's scared. I don't know if she'll do it. It has to be her decision, I just want her to know that I'm here for her. And for the first time in years, I think she knows that…

Sofia told me she's leaving tonight. I guess I can understand her decision. She was demoted and put on my team against her will. She wasn't treated fairly, not by a long shot, but she's a good CSI. I can't afford to lose another member of my team right now. Not after everything that's happened. So I took her to dinner hoping maybe I could convince her to stay. She didn't agree to anything, but I think maybe she'll stick around a little longer. We'll see…It's ironic… I've been trying to work up the courage to ask Sara to dinner for over 5 years. With Sofia I didn't even think twice about it. Amazing how much easier everything is when there's nothing at stake, nothing to lose.

Sara couldn't help but smile at his last comment. He'd been trying to work up the courage to ask her to dinner for 5 years… He'd always been shy when it came to her. He still was every now and then, and she loved that side of him. When they met for the first time at the Forensic Academy Conference in San Francisco, she was the one who talked. She was the one with all the questions. She was the one who finally worked up the courage to ask him to dinner. She had never been more nervous, before or after. She had been afraid they wouldn't have enough to talk about, that it would be awkward. It wasn't. It had been easy from the moment she opened the door and received a gift wrapped copy of "The Insects: An Outline of Entomology" by Gullan and Cranston, until he walked her to her door and thanked her for a lovely evening. It was where their relationship started. Their friendship. It was him who suggested they go sightseeing the day before he left town. Sara asked a tourist to take a picture of them in front of the Golden Gate Bridge. It was his camera, but a few weeks after he went back to Las Vegas, a copy dropped down in her mailbox. He had written "So you won't forget me…" on the back. She didn't… Sara rolled over on the bed and took the framed picture from her nightstand. He was so young, they both were. But his eyes were the same, deep blue beautiful eyes. She put the picture down on the pillow next to her and went on…

Feb. 17th 2005

This was one of the strangest cases I've had in… quite a while. It was a high profile case, and Catherine wasn't happy when I was called in to supervise. It's been a while since we've worked together. Sometimes I feel like I can't win with her. She was mad at me for not waiting for her with the autopsy. Sofia was there and I just figured there was no point, I could tell her about it later. Obviously I was wrong. On top of that someone stole the memory card to her camera, and plastered the pictures of the crime scene all over the news. One of those days… It wasn't her fault.

The dead guy was Bruce Eiger. Big shot casino owner. So naturally the press was all over it. When we were processing his office we found a secret door… to his nursery. I guess it's safe to say he led a double life. He liked to dress up and be a baby about once a week. And he had this fantastic secret room. A king size crib, king size diapers, king size toys… King size baby… I've never seen that before. I've heard of it, but never seen it in real life. Fascinating. There's actually a store specializing in these things, I went there with Nick. The "Forever Baby Store". I can't help but wonder what this guy was thinking, how terrified he must have been that his secret would be exposed…

After we closed the case I went out to dinner with Catherine. Brass joined us too. I've missed her. I've missed working with her, and I enjoyed working this last case with her. It's not something I'd normally tell her, but tonight, I did. If I'm going to change, I might as well do this right. And she deserves to hear it. It hasn't been easy for her. I know she's struggling with Lindsey, and the new hours haven't exactly made things better. But she'll be alright. She always lands on her feet…

It wasn't a case you'd forget… ever. And Sara hadn't. It had been a strange case. She also remembered working with Sofia. They were on the same shift, so it wasn't the first time, but it was the first time she saw her as something more than an outsider and a threat. They actually had fun, and as hard as it was to admit, it was becoming harder and harder not to like her. Sara could see that Sofia was as surprised by it as herself. It was a turning point for them, and even if they'd never become close friends, they found a mutual respect for one another.

Feb. 24th 2005

There are a lot of different conventions in Las Vegas. I remember the last time one of them had a fatal outcome. Rocky Racoon. This was a little different. It was the APAPSP convention The "Association to Promote Acceptance of Plus-Sized People". A guy named Maurice Hudson was found dead in his hotel bed at the Tangiers. Cause of death was compression asphyxia, and there was a huge sweat stain on the sheet. It was an accident… The girl was dead drunk and passed out on top of him. Sara told me the woman said she would rather go to jail for murder than to be some comedians' punch line. I can't blame her. The constant jokes, the looks, the whispering behind your back. Being overweight is not socially acceptable in this country. It's like it's okay to make fun of a big person, like for some reason they deserve it. Because they chose to be that way. It's not that easy. But I guess some people will always be looking for someone to put down, just so they can feel better about themselves.

I found Greg in the break room looking at a catalogue with big girls. He said he wanted to see what it was all about. He also asked me what gets my juices flowing… Attraction is subjective. I told him what I want is someone who doesn't judge me. I'm not sure it was the answer he was looking for, but it's the truth. I want someone who accepts me for who I am, faults and all. Someone who doesn't want to change me, but who makes me want to be a better person. I've only met one person in my life that makes me feel that way. She's never judged me, even when I was at my worst. To me she's the most beautiful woman in the world. Inside and out…And someday I'm going to tell her that.

March 10th 2005

We had breakfast together after shift this morning, at her place. I've enjoyed spending time with her these last weeks. We're getting to know each other again. I love being around her, and at the same time it's getting harder and harder. I know I have a lot to make up to her, that I have to earn her trust again, but every time we're close all I want to do is put my arms around her and whisper in her ear how much I love her… I don't know how long I can hide my feelings for her…But I don't want to rush this. When we're together I never want the moment to end, but it always does, and I have to go home to my empty apartment. It's strange how right it feels to be with her…When I'm with her there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be. She feels… like home…

There's one good thing about the shift changes; I get to work with Sara a lot more. It was Sara and Greg who cracked the case, and in the end it was Sara's idea who gave us a confession. She was the one who though if it, putting a wire in a suitcase identical to the flight attendant's, making the hotel manager think we'd searched his car and found it. It worked… He took the bait and talked his way straight to jail.

"Breakfast at my place…", Sara thought to herself. They had started a tradition that morning. She provided eggs and OJ, and he always brought some fresh fruit and bagels. He made omelets and she set the table. Then they talked, about the ongoing case, about their co-workers, and every now and then, about themselves… Then he said goodbye, and "I'll see you tonight", and she went to sleep thinking about him. Wondering if he did the same… It started that morning, and when he knocked on her door the next morning as well, she had smiled and welcomed him in. He continued coming over, and the routine was the same… "Until that morning" she though to herself, thinking back to the night that changed everything, and the Sunday morning that followed…

Sara fell asleep on the hotel bed that night, a slight smile dancing across her lips…

TBC

XXX

A/N 3 Up next is the last part of season 5, which includes Committed and Grave Danger. And we all know that's when it all happens, right?? Reviews are always welcomed!