Best Intentions
Definition "Bumblebee":
1-Primary agent in the reproduction of flowers, by means of transportation of pollen, "seed".
2-Small, typically black and yellow organism feared for its sting, ironic in proportion to its small size.
3-Culturally often represented so as to appear "cute", appearing as decoration on various human-made objects, particularly that of human females, perhaps because of its association with flowers and the reproduction thereof; theoretical preference by females because of association with fertility- an outside force influencing (responsible for) reproduction in a species not its own; theory: resembling that of a fertility god.
"Sam?" The question came crackling from the speakers inside his cabin, rerouted into them from his still-glitchy vocal unit while he let his human charge direct them to Mikaela's residence, for a "fun night out".
Bumblebee just hoped this involved what he thought it did.
"Yeah Bee?" came Sam's response, tiny human fingers tapping sycophantically at his steering wheel to some rhythm known only to Sam. He was nodding jerkily occasionally as well, but Bumblebee never became worried by it like some of his comrades may have- he was used to Sam's twitchy glitches, and tolerated them the same way he would the idiosyncrasies of any Autobot. Ratchet had no tact, Optimus made speeches, Ironhide liked shooting things... Sam twitched and fidgeted.
"Explain to me one more time why these courtship rituals are necessary, please?"
Sam groaned, and the tapping ceased as he slumped down in the seat a little.
"Beeeee," he practically whined. "It's called dating, for the last time. You're getting as bad as Ratchet."
Bumblebee flung open his driver's side door and tipped threateningly, still moving at thirty MPH down the residential roads.
"Alright! Alright! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!" Sam screamed, beginning to claw at the upholstery for a handhold he didn't really need unless Bumblebee really wanted him out. Bumblebee shut the door again and rocked back onto his shocks, radio flitting through stations back and forth without settling on one- a gesture Sam likened to laughter, except harder on the ears.
"You're cruel," Sam huffed, heart rate still high and only just now loosening his grip on the seatbelt.
Bumblebee promptly settled for The Backstreet Boys.
"I take it back! I take it back!" Sam wailed. The radio went silent again, though Bumblebee was bouncing a little on his tires with good-natured mirth.
"Yeah, that was hilarious," Sam grumbled. Bumblebee was about to change the subject back to his original query, but Sam perked up from his mild sulk and the change in demeanor made Bumblebee snap his attention back to the road.
Oh. They had arrived.
'Next time, I override the automatic navigation program,' Bee thought, a tad disgruntled at not being able to finish the conversation. But, he couldn't stay very disappointed- Mikaela was coming through the gate towards them even as Bumblebee parked. He popped open his passenger side door for her as she approached, and felt the bag she was carrying deposited in the back seat as she slid inside, pulling the door closed behind her.
"Hey!" she greeted Sam amiably, giving him a kiss that, quick as it was, caused the boy to grin widely and his pheromone level to spike. She turned to the dashboard then. "Hi Bumblebee!"
"Hey hey hey baby!" the radio crooned. She grinned and looked back at Sam.
"So then, shall we go?"
Things had gone smoothly thus far, Bumblebee thought smugly, watching the two humans interacting quietly, gently, pressed against each other in what was termed a "cuddle" underneath the shelter of a tree on the overlook while their guardian kept watch.
He did a discreet scan, and while his sensors weren't as sophisticated as Ratchet's at these things, he could tell that both of their pheromone levels were elevated. He stopped short for a moment, startled, then double-checked the readout. What was...?
He centered his scans on Mikaela, which he suspected he should have done from the beginning anyway. After all, for humans, females were the important ones in reproduction, from what he could tell. And Mikaela was giving off very favorable signals. Bumblebee doubted that Sam could pick up on it- ironic, as he was the one who would benefit the most had he been able to.
Ah, well. That's what guardians equipped with highly advanced sensors were for, right?
He picked a song and played it, very quietly at first. Humans tended to be startled at sudden, loud noises, and he didn't want to disturb them. Slowly, very slowly, he turned the volume up until they could hear it, though they didn't seem to notice the sound. But Bumblebee was sure it was helping.
Shortly after becoming Sam's guardian, Bumblebee had researched human mating rituals extensively. They varied ridiculously across sub-cultures within the whole of the human race, but he focused on local customs and applied what he learned regularly. Because he had learned very early on that humans put a high degree of importance on pairing up and reproducing. Even if they hadn't outright said as much (which many of them did), he could have surmised it for himself given the sheer volume of related material scattered about the internet.
It made humans happy, was important to them, and vital to their life cycle. As Sam's guardian, it fell to Bumblebee to help his charge. That and Bumblebee genuinely wanted to see Sam happy. Mikaela as well.
Speaking of whom, she seemed to be welded to Sam's side now, and they were in the process of attempting to do the same with their mouths. Oh, he knew what it was, that it was called "kissing" or "making out" or any of the other confusing and bizarre names humans had for it. He understood the act, but it still made him twitch a bit to hear those wet, squishy sounds that inevitably accompanied it. He wasn't disgusted by organics or their habits, but it was certainly strange. Alien.
Regardless, it meant that the "mood music" was working.
And with Mikaela's hormones at their current level, the discarding of outer clothing looked very promising indeed. Bumblebee had to restrain himself, knowing full well that humans were fussy, fragile things that would take offense to having control wrenched away from them, but at the same time he wanted desperately to go closer and help them with the clothing. They were being abhorrently slow about removing it, even though the both of them were more than ready for mating.
When he saw the little packet transfer hands, he didn't really think anything of it, up until the point Sam started fumbling with it and Mikaela took it back to rip it open using her blunt teeth. Then he did scan it, and cross-referenced with the internet.
What?
He was so dismayed at the findings that he cried out shortly, the horn of his car form blaring accidentally and startling his human charges badly.
A device to prevent conception? But that was the whole point! Sure, it seemed like the act was highly pleasurable to humans just by itself, but wasn't creating new life and reproducing the primary reason for that? An ingrained imperative command programmed straight into their cores: keep the species alive. In order to do that, they had to reproduce, which required mating. The invention of contraceptives was contrary to what seemed to be one of their primary functions.
And here his Sam and Mikaela were, trying to use a condom in order to not fulfill that need. Humans just had to be difficult, didn't they?
"Shit!" Mikaela cursed, scrambling off Sam and pulling together clothes again. Sam did the same, though more reluctantly.
"Sorry Bee!" he called. Bumblebee jerked a little, surprised. Sorry? Sorry about what? Why was he apologizing?
Oh, frag it. They thought he had honked at them for being about to mate in front of him.
He hurriedly switched the mood music back on, at a higher volume than before, trying to get them to backtrack and go back to what they had been doing. It seemed to have the opposite effect however.
"Alright, alright!" Mikaela yelled over the music, pulling her shirt on again. "We get it!"
They obviously were not, or else they wouldn't still be going in reverse. Maybe a different song...
"Bee! Knock it off! It's not funny!" Sam protested. Bumblebee turned the music off and sunk a little lower on his wheels, sulking. Humans never understood anything, not even themselves.
His good intentions thwarted for the day, Bumblebee was forced to transport them back to their respective homes, all the while enduring apologies interspersed with accusations of "mood killing". He wondered the entire time if they would really take that badly to him directly involving himself in the process, instead of this indirect stuff that, thus far, didn't seem to be working. Organics were so stubborn and fickle...
Ah, well... there was always next month.