An Akatsuki Christmas Carol
XDDDDD
"Hello, you pathetic, worthless, little specs of dust."(He means you) Hidan said. "I am going to tell you the story of a pathetic piece of trash known as Pein." He explained. "He is about to learn that being nice to others on Christmas Eve can save you from total damnation!"
"Actually, this story happened about a year ago! But he's still a little weirded out about it all." Hidan said.
Pein was in his room under his bed with a cross in his hand. Occasionally he'd peek out to see if anything happened. Currently, Konan was trying to lure him out with milk and cookies. But Pein was too quick. He jumped out from under the bed, took the cookies and milk, and ran back under. "Damn." Konan muttered.
"Claire! Get mommy's special tool chest!" Konan called. "Yay! Child labor!!" Claire cheered. (Read Akatsuki: The Family Project to know who Claire is.)
"While Konan's doing her thing, we should probably get to telling you the story."
-:- Story Commence -:-
Narrator: Hidan
This happened not too long ago. It happened early Monday morning. Pein was about to prance out of his bed and burst into a musical, but since funding doesn't pay for musicals, instead he got a phone call.
"Hello, Mr. Person-who's-talking-to-me-on-the-phone!!" Pein sang into the phone. "It's Madara. And I have the best news! You're parents committed group suicide and left nothing for you!" Madara said, equally happy on the phone. "…What?" Pein asked. "And here's their letter!"
Dear Demon spawn – I mean Pein.
Although we never supported your decision of becoming a villain, we want you to know that we have absolutely no love left for you and all the things in the house –including all the stuff in your room- goes to your mentally disabled brother Jerry.
No love, Your parents.
PS: We'd say Merry Christmas, but… yeah. Go to hell.
Pein hung up the phone. "Well that's a spirit breaker." He said. "What could I possibly do to relieve myself of this horrid anger building inside of me?" he asked indirectly to Konan. She walked up beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Before you go all the way to the west wing and kill all the new interns, I'd like you to have this ax. Consider it an early Christmas Present… because of the loss of the love of your parents, and your parents themselves." Konan said, going back to bed.
Pein looked at the battle ax. "Chop down a Christmas tree, or kill the new interns?" He weighed one hand with the one with the ax. Obviously, the ax weighed more than the air in his hand. "Konan, keep the bed warm while I'm gone! I'm gonna kill the new interns… then turn emo. Bye!" Pein put on a Viking hat and ran down the halls, yelling and screaming for no good reason. But a reason did exist.
"Have fun…" Konan said sleepily.
-:- The next Day:D … D: -:-
"Zetsu, WAKE UP!! Get to work!" Pein yelled. "But I don't like being the low-budget Christmas Tree…" Zetsu said, taking the box of self-assemble Christmas decorations with him outside. "And do you know what happens to plants like me outside in winter?" He asked. "I honestly COULDN'T CARE LESS. NOW GET OUTTA HERE!!" Pein ordered, pointing a finger towards the door. Suddenly, Zetsu was thrown out the door, the box of decorations flying in the air. He landed in the pot, all the decorations landed on him, and he was ready for his 20 hours as a Christmas tree.
Pein walked back into the house only to see Kakuzu. "Ah, another victim of my horrible rage!" he said happily. "Kakuzu! I've raised your pay to $30!" he said, slinging an arm around Kakuzu's shoulders. "Really? That's $30 more than what we usually get!" Kakuzu said hopefully. "Well that's only because your rent has been raised to $60!!" Pein said. "B-But if you do that, I'll have no money to buy gifts for myself and I." Kakuzu said.
There was an awkward silence. "Since you're so full of yourself today, I've just decided to doc your pay to $10." Pein said. "What!?" Kakuzu asked in disbelief.
"Please pay me within the week or I will shove a Christmas tree star up your ass." Pein smiled and walked away.
As he walked, he heard Hidan shout. "WHAT IS THIS, WHO DID THIS!?" Pein looked in his direction and saw an illuminating light coming from Hidan's room. "Ah. I see you found my little Christmas gift!" He said, smiling. "What… have… you… done to my SANCTUARY!?" Hidan asked loudly. "Well, for starters, I've replaced all your gothy, Jashin decorations with Happy, Catholic Christmas decorations!" Pein said. "Look, I even added a Cardboard Santa that waves at people!" He laughed.
"…I think he's mocking me." Hidan said. "I'll just leave you two alone." Pein said, walking away.
Itachi walked up to him. "S-Sir, can I have permission to leave the premises?" He asked. "Why would you want to leave, Itachi? You're my favorite…" Itachi thought he saw Pein twitch his eye. "U-Uh… I have to do this eye exam… to see what kind of contacts or glasses I need so I don't go completely blind. I've been putting it off for a while and it's starting to get pretty bad." Itachi explained. "Don't worry, I'll let Claire here guide you safely to the nearest Eye doctor." Pein said.
Claire smiled (evilly). "Come on now, Uncle Itachi!" She said innocently (BS). They held hands and walked out to the sidewalk.
"Alright Claire. I'm gonna trust you to be my eyes." Itachi said, waving his arms aimlessly in the air. "Okay, just keep walking, Uncle Itachi! You're doing great!" Claire said. "Hey! I think it all makes sense! I see the trees, the road, snowflakes, and the 18-wheeler that we own! Wait… We don't own an 18-wheeler truck…" Itachi was run over by a huge truck.
Claire sang to herself as she skipped back to the house. "That's my girl." Pein said proudly, patting her head. "What'd you do with Uncle Kisame?" she asked. "Ah, nothing big… well, maybe a little big."
--
Kisame woke up in a bath tub filled with ice cubes. "HUH!? Aw man! This is the second time!" He looked at the stitch on his side. "Wait… second time?" he looked on both sides where his kidneys should be. Both had stitches. "Huh. This is serious." He said to himself.
--
Sasori rolled to his side in his sleep. When he woke up, he saw one of his puppets in his bed. "Hah. I don't remember putting you there." He pulled off the sheets only to find his puppet's head and body separated. (Yes, Like the Godfather.)
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Sasori screamed. Pein whistled a happy tune to himself as he walked down the hall, twirling an ax on his finger. "Merry Christmas, Sasori!" he sang.
Pein took out a list and saw that only Tobi and Deidara were the only ones left on the list. "Now, what was it that I wanted to do to Tobi? Ah. I remember now." He said, grinning.
--
Tobi walked into a dark room, thinking it was the bathroom. When he unzipped his pants, a T.V screen showed up and he immediately zipped it back up. Nothing showed up on the screen, so he unzipped his pants again and started doing his business. A few seconds later, the screen turned on.
"Tobi. I am… STOP!! STOP PEEING AND LISTEN TO ME!!" The person on the screen yelled. "AAAGH!!" Tobi yelped in surprise, zipping up his pants again. "Don't sneak up on me when I'm doing my business! OR YOU'LL PAY FOR IT…" Madara said at the last minute. "…Okay, I'll get right to the point. My name is Jigsaw, and right now you're breathing a deadly nerve gas. It'll kill you unless you get the antidote, which is inside that safe." Tobi looked over at the safe. "But how will you get the key when it's in… YOUR STOMACH!?" Jigsaw showed him a picture of his stomach.
"Don't need to." Tobi said. "What do you mean 'You don't need to?'" Jigsaw asked. Tobi walked over to the safe and smashed it open with his mask. "Oh god… that's a hard mask…" Jigsaw said. "Ooh! Grape flavor!" Tobi drank the antidote happily as he walked out of the torture room…. and left the door open.
"DON'T LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN!!! Oh…Oh jeez… that's gonna bite me in the ass later…" Jigsaw said.
Outside of the room Tobi was suddenly knocked across the hallway by a giant wooden battering ram. Which was used by Pein and Claire. Tobi knocked the door closed and out the window. "DAMN YOUUUU!!!!!" Madara screamed.
--
"Damn I thought I had him that time!" Deidara said taking of the Jigsaw costume and slamming it to the ground. "Careful with the Jigsaw mask. It's your Halloween costume for next year… And the year after that because we don't have a lot of money left." Hinata said. "Yeah, I'd better talk to the leader about raising my pay." Deidara said.
Hidan: Yay! I get to talk again! Poor, poor, Deidara…
"Um, Leader?" Deidara said. "Ah, Deidara! What do you need(before I make you suffer)?" Pein asked happily. "What was that last part?" Deidara asked. Pein whacked him on the head. "Don't ask, Don't tell." He growled. "Alright… Can you give me a raise?" Deidara asked. "Why do you want a raise?" Pein asked.
"I need the raise to make ends meet and to prove to myself that I'm not a worthless bum…" Deidara said. "Deidara I'm going to tell you something that will save you about 15 chapters of storyline: You are a worthless bum. Always have been, always will BE. You have nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing to prove, and no one to prove it to. Alright? Merry Christmas." Deidara's eye twitched. "And to make your life worse," Pein grabbed huge gardening scissors and chopped off Deidara's (trademark) ponytail.
"Now that, my friend, will take 15 chapters to grow back. But you know what? THIS IS A ONESHOT, NINNY!!" Pein said. Deidara ran off crying.
Pein looked behind him and threw a black marble in that direction. "SHNIZ! CATCH!!" He yelled. Shniz turned around and was immediately engulfed in a black hole. Pein continued down the hallway. "All is right with the world." He sighed.
-:- Later that night… -:-
Pein…
Pein rolled in his bed, moaning.
Pein…!
Pein grunted.
PEIN!! WAKE UP!!
"WHAT!?!? I'M TRYIN' TO SCORE HERE!!" Pein yelled. "Score what, exactly?" Pein looked at the bed. Konan's side was empty. "Aw man! She ran off again! How does she do that?"
…Anyway, do you know who I am?
"OMG!! YOU'RE LEX LUTHOR!! OH MY GAWD!! YOU'RE LIKE A VILLAIN LEGEND!!" Pein said in amazement. "Can I have an autograph?" He asked, holding up a pen and paper. "Uh… hehe, no, I don't do those kind of things anymore…" Luthor said. "What? What things?" Pein asked. "Uh… 'touching things'. I can't touch anything with these ghost hands…" Luthor said. "Oh. Well, Whaddaya need? Make it quick before I charge you for trespassing!" Pein said.
Luthor cleared his throat. "You will be visited by three ghosts! Each worse (in one way or another,) than the last! All to teach you a lesson about Christmas!" he said dramatically. "…Why?" Pein asked. "Because we're sick and tired of you being a total dick to everybody! We're gonna make you a nice guy whether it kills us! Which it won't, because we're already ghosts!!" Luthor said. He disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"… Wow, what a dick." Pein said.
Hidan: An hour later into the night, Pein was visited by the first ghost.
PEIN!! WAKE UP!!
Pein groaned as he woke up. "Skipping to the 'Wake up, Pein' part, huh?" he muttered. "TSUNADE!?"
"FEAR YOUR PAST!! OR MY BOOBS WILL SUFFOCATE YOU!!" Tsunade yelled. "…okay… uh, Whaddaya want?" Pein asked. "I AM THE CHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST!! AND I'VE COME TO SHOW YOU WHAT CHRISTMAS WAS LIKE IN YOUR CHILDHOOD!!" Tsunade grabbed his hand and they were whisked away to Pein's Childhood.
--
A sign read 'Akatsuki Elementary' where all children learned to be expert killers. That is why there is blood smeared on the walls…
Anyway…
"Hey! This is my old elementary school!" Pein said. "NO DUH, DICKFACE!!" Tsunade yelled. "Is the term 'Dick' A mandatory word for you guys?" Pein asked. "YES! NOW KEEP MOVING OR MY BOOBS WILL KILL YOU!!" Tsunade screamed. "Geez! Okay, okay!"
The two walked down the halls and came across a younger looking Pein slamming someone's head in the wall. "And this is where I kept on beating people in the eighth grade!" Pein said, watching proudly as his younger self beat the shit out of the poor guy on the ground.
A blue haired girl walked down the hall and stopped in front of Pein.
"Pein!?"
"Konan!"
Konan punched Pein. "GWAGH!!" He fell to the ground. "WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED!?" She asked angrily, kicking Pein in the stomach. "OH GOD!!" When Konan started to kick Pein in the crotch, Tsunade teleported Pein and herself back to his bedroom.
"What have we learned?" Tsunade asked. "That I should call my wife every other hour whenever we separate?" Pein said shakily. "…Close enough." With that, Tsunade disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Konan suddenly stepped out of the bathroom dressed in a skimpy Santa Claus outfit. "Okay, I'm ready now-"
"NOT MY BALLS!!" Pein shouted, getting into a defensive position. "What?" Konan asked. "Uh, nothing. I… I-I just gotta use the bathroom…" Pein walked into the bathroom and washed his face.
As he wiped off the water, he looked up into the mirror and saw that he was a skeleton. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" He jumped back and felt something behind him. It was Jiraiya.
"Yo! Pein, how's it going?" Jiraiya said. "I Am the ghost of Christmas present! I'm here to teach you a lesson by showing you what you've done to your employees!" Jiraiya said almost angrily. "Alright, let's get this over with so I can sleep… (With my girlfriend (for once))." Pein said. "Can I watch?" Jiraiya asked. "… No. No you can't watch." Pein said in disgust.
Jiraiya pouted and snapped his fingers.
"Where are we?" Pein asked. "Kakuzu's room." Jiraiya answered. Kakuzu was in a fetal position on his bed, crying to himself. "And Hidan is..." Jiraiya snapped his fingers and they were suddenly in Hidan's room. Hidan had impaled himself on his pike. "Uh… Kisame is…!" Kisame was rotting in the bathtub.
"Okay, what are you doing to your employees? I have to ask." Jiraiya asked. "I was in a bad mood, okay? He ticked me off!" Pein said defensively. "What exactly did he do to tick you off?" Jiraiya asked. "Wished me a Merry Christmas after my parents died. That's horrible!" Pein said. "… And that's the one reason you cut out both his kidneys and sold them-"
"Sold them? Haha, no, no, no… I keep them as a trophy over my fireplace." Pein laughed. After a moment of silence, Jiraiya said, "You make me sick."
"Right back at ya, buddy."
Jiraiya snapped his fingers again and they were now in the middle of the road outside. "EW! What is that!? And why Are you showing it to me!?" Pein asked, disgusted. "This censored pile of filth was once Itachi Uchiha. The great murderer of the entire Uchiha clan! Now reduced to a pile of bones, flesh, and," Jiraiya took a closer look. "A green substance of no meaning. Does it make you feel guilty?" He asked. "No, I'm disgusted! Get me outta here!" Pein yelled. Jiraiya sighed. "You know, you are some piece of work." He said.
Jiraiya snapped his fingers and they were now at Deidara's house. "Why are we at Deidara's house?" Pein asked. "We're gonna peek at him and Hinata making out." Jiraiya said. "Really?" Pein asked. "No. Now come on, you see that guilty look on Deidara's face?" Jiraiya asked. "Yes. I don't know why, though." Pein said. Jiraiya hit him on the head. "THAT LOOK SHOULD BE ON YOUR FACE! WANNA KNOW WHY!?" He yelled at him. "Why?" Pein repeated. "WHY!?" He whacked him on the head again. "I'LL TELL YOU WHY!!!"
"GO AHEAD!! GOD, stop hitting me on the head!" Pein yelled. "DEIDARA FEELS GUILTY BECAUSE HE CAN'T GET HINATA A DECENT CHRISTMAS PRESENT! SINCE YOU WOULDN'T GIVE HIM A RAISE!" Jiraiya explained. "What did Hinata want?" Pein asked. "HOW SHOULD I KNOW!? I'M NOT SANTA CLAUS!!" Jiraiya yelled at him. (Just so you guys know, he's mortally pissed off right now.)
"If you wanna know, ask Byakuya." Jiraiya said. "Why would I want to ask Byakuya Kuchiki?" Pein asked. "Because he does the Santa Claus thing every other year!" Jiraiya said. "Does he get paid?" Pein asked. "Oh yeah. Hundred dollars PER PRESENT. PER PRESENT!!" Jiraiya yelled.
"Anyway, is this doing anything for you at all?" He asked. "Nope." Pein responded. "Alright, you force me to do this." Jiraiya snapped his fingers and they were transported to Claire's room.
"Why are we in Claire's room?" Pein asked. "Look at your (adopted) daughter." Jiraiya said. Claire had a sad look on her face and it looked like she was about to cry. "Why is she sad?" Pein asked. "Because you didn't spend a single moment with her on Christmas Eve. (Well, at least not a good moment) And all this time she was waiting for her own father to wish her a 'Merry Christmas'."
For once Pein had a somewhat guilty/bad feeling in his gut. "AHA!! I FOUND YOUR WEAKNESS!!" Jiraiya yelled. "Oh god, I look horrible in that picture!" Pein said. "..oh, and Claire! I'm sad about that too!" he added. "…Okay, maybe this'll help your doomed soul." Jiraiya snapped his fingers and they were now in Pein and Konan's room.
"Okay, now why are we in my room? Are you letting me go!?" Pein asked hopefully. He was answered with a whack to the head. "No, we're here for my last attempt at making you a guilt-ridden piece of trash." Jiraiya said. "LOOK AT YOUR WIFE!! WHAT'S THAT LOOK IN HER EYE!?" He asked (almost angrily).
"…Is that the emotion of sadness!? Konan never shows any other emotion except for anger and (content at other people's suffering)." Pein said in amazement. "The truth is, she felt bad for beating you up during the Christmas season and decided to make up for it by hitting it off with you. But no, you're not there to do it because you're HERE!!" Jiraiya said accusingly. "But that's clearly your fault! I'd gladly-!" Pein was cut off by Jiraiya. "Yeah but we wouldn't be here if you weren't being a freaking dick to everyone!"
Pein looked at the floor in shame. Jiraiya snapped his fingers and they were outside again.
"What is it this time?" Pein asked. "Wait for it…" Jiraiya said. From above they heard Tobi screaming in terror. He hit the ground with a loud, satisfying thud. "…This makes me guilty… how?" Pein asked. "Oh, no. I just thought you'd like to see it." Jiraiya said. "Oh. Thanks." Pein said. "Yeah, Merry Christmas."
As immediately as Jiraiya left, Orochimaru appeared, screaming his ass off.
"I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE!! I AM HERE TO SHOW YOU THE PITIFUL LIFE YOU ARE TO LIVE 2 CHRISTMASES FROM NOW!!" Orochimaru yelled at him. "…Alright." Pein said.
"HERE IS YOUR FUTURE!!" Orochimaru pointed his finger at Pein and sapped him with a (painful) ray of light.
Suddenly they were in a cemetery. There was rap music playing nearby and there was Sasuke dancing on top of someone's grave. "Oh, I'm sorry. That's Itachi's Christmas Future. It might as well be Itachi's Christmas now, cuz he's a puddle. Y'know? Hehe…" Orochimaru laughed. No one else was laughing. "You all suck. Moving on." Orochimaru said.
They eventually found a grave with nine people around the gravestone. "THIS, IS YOUR FUNERAL!!" Orochimaru said dramatically, thunder sounding and lightning showing behind him. One of the lightning bolts hit Shniz. No one seemed to care though.
On the grave, Konan was crying, kneeling over his grave. Hidan was also crying nearby.
"Why are you crying?" Kakuzu asked. "I'm just… so… HAPPY!!" Hidan sobbed.
"Why is Konan crying, Ghost of Christmas Future?" Pein asked. "Because you were the only one who was (in)sane enough to go out with her and stay with her! She loved you so much that she could kill someone! It's just that you were the only person around when she felt the urge." Orochimaru explained. "I can't believe it. I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!!" Pein kicked Orochimaru in the crotch out of frustration.. "Alright, that's it. We're haunting you every Christmas from now on." He growled.
(Or hissed lol. Get it? Orochimaru? Snakes? –no laughter- …You all suck)
"I WON'T LET THIS HAPPEN! I'LL CHANGE! I'LL CHANGE!!" Pein yelled to the skies. "Good. That means our job is done. Merry Christmas, Pein." Orochimaru said, pointing a finger at Pein and sapping him (painfully) back to his room.
-:-
"CLEAR" Pein was zapped back to reality. "Wha!?" Pein yelled. "CLEAR!!" He was zapped again. "GYAH! I'M AWAKE!!" Pein shouted. "I know." Kakuzu said. "WHAT HAPPENED!?"
"You passed out after we made love." Konan said. "Was it awesome? Cuz I can't remember a damn thing." Pein asked. "It was average. But next time try not to mistake sleeping pills for Viagra." Konan said holding up the bottle
"Tobi! What day is it!?" Pein demanded. "It's December 26th." Tobi said. "…Aww…" Pein looked down in disappointed. "Nah, I'm joking. It's still 5 minutes before Christmas." Tobi said jokingly. "YEAH!!" Pein cheered, jumping up with joy.
"Alright, first of all, Kakuzu I will raise your pay!" Pein said. "Yeah!" Kakuzu cheered. "By 1$" Pein finished. "Oh…" Kakuzu said.
"And Hidan, I will personally take down the Christmas decorations by… Blowing up your whole room." Pein said, grabbing a detonator. "Yes! Wait… WHAT!!" Before Hidan could stop Pein, he pushed the button and there was a huge rumble through out the base.
Itachi I will pay your medical bills and Claire will be your personal aide until you get better." Pein said. Itachi looked at Pein and then at Claire and he saw her mischievous smile. He tried to muffle a 'No' but it wouldn't come out. "You must be very happy!" Pein said happily. "MRNMNOO!!" Itachi yelled. Claire 'Accidentally' pushed him down the stairs. "Aw, that's okay. I'm sure he'll understand!" Pein said. "And I promise to spend as much time with you as I can."
Konan cleared her throat. "A-And you too, honey!" Pein said nervously.
"Anyway, Deidara, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do with the hair… but I can give you the raise." Pein said.
"And Zetsu," Pein started. "Yes?" Zetsu said. "I've found a proper Christmas Tree." Pein finished. "YES!! OH GOD, YES!!" Zetsu ripped off all the decorations on him and ran around the base (like a maniac) happily. "Hm. I never knew he felt so strongly about that." Pein said.
"Sasori, here's the rest of your puppet." Pein handed Sasori the puppet's body. "Hmph! The nerve of some people!" Sasori huffed, walking back to his room.
"And, Kisame. Here are your kidneys." Pein threw the two organs at Kisame's already dying body in the bathtub.
"Tobi, I promise to put a pillow at the bottom of the cliff every time I throw you out the window. And Shniz, here's a sandwich. I never thought about what to give you, so… here." Pein threw Shniz a sandwich. "Thanks. A Sandwich will definitely protect me from black holes." Shniz said sarcastically, taking a bite out of the sandwich.
-:-
"And so, Pein learned the true meaning of Christmas, and to spend time with his family. Good night, folks, and Merry Christmas." Hidan said, closing the book in his hands.
"… And to clarify why Pein's acting so strange this year is… well, to make sure the Christmas Spirits don't come back. See ya, dudes." Hidan got up from his chair and turned off the lights.
The lone Santa decoration in his room was staring at you. Yes he was.
"HO. HO. HO."
The End