Animal Magnetism
by Ky

Summary: It's hard to breed Chocobos when you can't find a male and the fate of the world is hanging in the balance. Does anyone else get the feeling that Cloud's life is a cosmic joke?
Genre: Parody/Humor
Rating: PG
Warnings: Barret being Barret, breaking the fourth wall, and a know-it-all NPC.
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, and I am rather frustrated with it right now. Everything I know about Chocobos… I made up.

Notes: Sorry guys, the style here is a bit different from what I normally write.

Cloud lead the Chocobo into the stable, steering it by its bridle. It seemed quite content to follow him. It kept cooing and would occasionally reach out to ruffle his hair with its beak.

"Choco Billy," he announced. He always felt ridiculous saying the name—what kind of name was "Choco Billy?" Was that even a name?—but the kid responded to it, and he was a genius with these annoyingly adorable yellow birds. Cloud swatted the Chocobo away from his hair again.

"Is this the Chocobo you want to move?" Choco Billy asked, looking up from the bags of feed he was sorting. He walked over to examine the Chocobo, patting it on the head. "Mm, she's a good Chocobo. What are you going to name her?"

"Wait… her?" Cloud spoke with exhausted disbelief.

"Another one?" Tifa was surprised as well.

"Dammit, we ain't got time for this!" Barret shouted.

"Are you sure it's female?" Cloud wanted to know.

Choco Billy nodded enthusiastically. "Yup."

"But…" Cloud looked like he was about to lose it. "We've caught good Chocobos. We've caught great Chocobos. We've reset the game countless times!"

"They're all &#$& female!" Barret exclaimed, no longer able to keep his temper in check.

"Please, Billy," Tifa tried to provide the young Chocobo rancher with relief from the two smoldering masses of enraged testosterone she called traveling partners. "We really need a male Chocobo and a female Chcobo. We need to breed a gold Chocobo so we can summon Knights of the Round, defeat Sephiroth, and save the Planet."

"I'm sorry, but this is definitely a female Chocobo," Choco Billy replied. "What are you going to name her?"

"We don't. Need. Another female." Cloud said through gritted teeth.

Barret made a growling noise. Tifa could tell he was resisting the urge to really scream.

"Just how do you tell, anyway?" she asked, partly because she was curious, and partly because she hoped if they knew what they were looking for, it would take some of the tension out of the situation.

Cloud shot a confused look towards the underside of the Chocobo, where its legs met its body.

"Tifa, tha's disgusting," Barret grumbled.

"Well, the plumage, first of all," Choco Billy answered. "Males tend towards a brighter yellow, and their head and tail plumes are longer, more ornamental. And their beaks. Females have sharper, slightly straighter beaks. That's because they need to protect the nest. If you get pecked by one, it'll hurt a lot."

The three-person party stared.

"That's it?!" Barret demanded.

'These differences are hard to spot in the heat of battle. It's an honest mistake."

"Well then, why have we caught nothing but female Chocobos?" Cloud wanted to know.

"Hmm. Maybe…" Choco Billy walked closer to Cloud. The blonde swordsman's eyebrows contracted in on themselves, and his lip curled--an expression that clearly said "get away from me."

The Chocobo rancher sniffed Cloud's hair. "Yep, just as I expected. Chocobos aren't renowned for their eyesight, and to an interested female, your big yellow hairdo looks just like a male Chocobo's extravagant plumage. You've been using a Chocobo Lure materia, right?"

Cloud detached it from Ultima Weapon's handle. He stared at the purple orb in the palm of his hand.

"Well, if you're always carrying around a Chocobo Lure, its odor begins to rub off on you."

"Odor…?" Tifa wasn't sure she wanted the answer to that one.

"Pheromones. What did you guys think was in a Chocobo Lure materia? From the perspective of the female Chocobo, Cloud here probably looks and smells just like a male Chocobo in search of a mate."

Barret's jaw dropped, Tifa giggled nervously, and Cloud felt another part of his soul curl up and die.

End Notes: Incidentally, if anyone could tell me what I'm doing wrong to make me get female Chocobos every single time, that would be really nice. I almost hope I am doing something wrong, because I can't do anything about being extremely unlucky… Male, female, it's a fifty-fifty chance, right?