XEMNAS'S THERAPEUTIC VACATION

And Other Related Stories Involving The Cast Of KH On Crack.

Or, Alternatively Titled: 'Something Really, Really, Really Stupid Came Into ArcBus's Head And Once Again She Found Herself Writing For The Sake Of RANDOM IMPULSIVE Purposes, Whilst On The Way To Kingdom Hearts'.

Written by: ArcBus

As a Christmas present for: TinoaGaruna. Merry Christmas, my dear Other!

Note: A lot of the story will be inside jokes between myself and TinoaGaruna, so I personally don't care if you 'don't get it', because, well, all respective reviewers, it's not actually meant for you. It's meant for her. Okay? So I won't accept flames for it. It's just for her. GOTTIT

AND, NO, IT ISN'T SERIOUS. AT ALL! xD

Disclaimer: I don't own everything that is copyrighted in this fan fiction. And that goes for all chapters.

Now, without further ado, on with the fic!

PROLOGUE

Ah, the World That Never Was. Even if it was a world, it still never was. It's reachable by Gummi Ship, and therefore counts as a world. It's title also states that it is a world.

In the World That Never Was, there was, of course, the Castle That Never Was. And in the Castle That Never Was, there were, of course, thirteen Nobodies, traces of a fourteenth (which will remain traces until Square-Enix gets off their money-hungry candy asses and gives us more information on KH 358/2 Days, a hell of a lot of Lesser Nobodies - Dusks, for example - and a tiny little blonde girl in a tiny little white dress. Who was also a Nobody. But, you all knew that, right?

So, what does the sum of all of those subjects equal? It equals a random, pointless, and probably the most stupid ArcBus story yet - THAT'S what it equals!

Well, one day the majority of the 13th Order were sat in their huge thrones in the White Room like crazy people that think sitting down all day is fun.

"Ahem…" Xemnas cleared his throat. "Well, I shall be going on that 'short break' tomorrow, on account of my 'little problem'."

"We know." The others that were present chorused in perfect sync since they DID know and were fairly sick of referring to Xemnas's Medomalacuphobia as a 'little problem'. Wouldn't YOU be?

"Oh. Okay." Xemnas said, before the room returned to silence.

"…Why are we just sat here?" Roxas enquired after a hefty and awkward 5 minutes of silence. He shifted slightly uncomfortably before he spoke.

Saïx gave him a blank glower, trying to be all 'Superior' since after Xemnas's departure, he would be in charge. "If you wish to be excused, you may leave."

"Whoopskiddo!" Roxas exclaimed happily, and opened up a portal around him and DISAPPEARED! Just like that!

"Can I go?" Axel asked.

"NO." Xemnas said loudly, since he thought if Axel left, he would go to molest Roxas. And that he most certainly didn't want… At least, not until his 'little problem' was sorted out.

Axel rolled his eyes and snorted, but his irritation went ignored as two new portals opened in the 4th and 12th seats, which caught everyone else's attention.

"And where have you two been?" Xemnas asked instantly, folding his arms like he was the BOSS of everyone. Which technically he was. But that's not the point, is it? Actually, maybe it is… WHATEVER!

"Vexen was showing me his test tube." Larxene replied casually, so that the metaphor wasn't that obvious.

Xemnas raised his eyebrow slowly, remembering that Larxene had given him the EXACT same excuse the previous day. And the day before that. And the day before that. AND the day before that! "But, you saw it yesterday, did you not?"

"Yup. I like to see it every day." She said dully, taking a nail file from her pocket, removing her left glove and filing away at her nails… In short, trying to get Xemnas off her case!

"I didn't know you had an interest in science." Zexion remarked, not catching onto the metaphor. But, then again, no one else had, so…

"Oh. Yeah. I guess I do."

"Lovely." Luxord said in his wonderful British accent. He had previously been quietly sat shuffling his cards, and not even he had caught onto the metaphor! "Xigbar, if we're to buy that new coffee machine, we had better get going."

The truth is, once again, Demyx had broken the coffee machine that morning. And, without coffee, the 13th Order would be doomed. So, Xigbar and Luxord had agreed to go to buy a new one.

"Yes. And I should be starting on dinner." Xaldin said, since it takes quite a while to cook for 14 people even though it was, like, 2PM. Or some time like that. Whatever.

So, the three of them teleported off to their destinations. Quickly, Axel groaned again.

"Can I please go now!?"

"NO!" Boomed Xemnas again.

"I had better go now, though." Saïx said. "I shall let Demyx off the 'Naughty Step'."

The 'Naughty Step' was the step on the staircase in the part of the Castle That Never Was that I can't remember the name of… KH2FM+'s 5th New Scene took place there. You know, with Vexen running down the stairs like Cinderella, and Xigbar being all 'OOOH! Let's talk about Xemmy's SECRET!' and Zexion like 'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no.' You know the one, right? Anyway, that was where Demyx was often sent when he had done something wrong, even if it wasn't his fault. Everyone can blame Demyx, anyway. He's easy to push around.

And, so, Saïx also disappeared into a portal.

"I want to go, Superior!!" Axel moaned childishly and impatiently.

"…Oh, fine." Xemnas said, after not taking to long to think it over. "Everyone is dismissed. Just make sure Demyx, Marluxia and Lexaeus are informed of my departure tomorrow."

And so, everyone opened up their portals and left. For the sake of the fic depended on the multiple story lines!

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CHAPTER ONE - Xigbar and Luxord's Quest For ANYTHING But A New Coffee Machine

"So. Here we are in Hollow Bastion. The most likely world to sell coffee machines." Luxord said. "Shall we find a suitable store?"

"Naaah, y'know what, we should just stick to instant coffee! That way Demyx can't break anything!" Xigbar replied, as if only he were smart enough to come up with that idea.

"Alright." Luxord agreed, since that made sense. "So, why are we here?"

"We're going to spend the 1000 Munny I snagged from the treasury - SUPPOSEDLY for the new coffee machine - on IMPULSE BUYING!!!"

As Xigbar said 'Impulse Buying', a random flashy sign that read said words appeared behind him and flashed and played a short, catchy melody. Luxord gave him a blank look.

"…You're the boss. So what are we buying upon impulse?"

"I dunno - really useless stuff, like Blu-Tac, and socks, and--"

"We have lots of Blu-Tac in the castle." Luxord interjected. "And why also would we require anymore socks than we already have?"

"I DON'T KNOW, DUDE! IT'S IMPULSE BUYING!!!!" Xigbar said angrily. "Now, come on, we've gotta go find some random shit to waste our money on!"

As soon as they began walking off into the main town of Hollow Bastion… A MALEVOLENT CACKLE WAS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND! GASP! But they couldn't hear it… No… For it was from the very top of the castle's highest tower in Hollow Bastion…

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Maleficent laughed evilly, watching our heroic impulse buying duo on their quest for anything and everything that wasn't a coffee machine from her hideout. "Little do those idiotic men from the Organization know that they will soon meet their doom!"

Pete was stood behind her (though, at a good distance). Slowly and dumbly, he scratched his head.

"Durr, but, Maleficent… How are ya gonna doom two members of Organization XIII? I mean, urrr, they're real strong!" He enquired.

"They may have power, but do they have the intelligence to match?" She questioned, turning to face him and swishing her cloak like she was Kefka or someone as she did so. "Come, I shall show you."

Meanwhile, Xigbar and Luxord had reached the walkway of shops in Hollow Bastion. Now, this isn't the one with the Weapons, Items and Accessory shops like Sora would go to in Hollow Bastion in the game. Nope. This is the HIDDEN walkway that Sora never found. But Xigbar and Luxord found it fine. Because, unlike Sora, they're in Organization XIII. And that makes them pretty damn bitchin'.

They walked past a pet shop. They ignored it. They walked past a flower shop (it was probably Aerith's). They ignored it. They walked past a lingerie shop. They went in, but only so they could mess about like the silly little immature boys that they are (even if they are both over the age of 35). Xigbar put a pair of pink lace panties on his head and called himself 'Cap'n Xiggy of the Friggin' Fruity Pirates'. Luxord put a white lace bra on his head and called himself 'Sir Luxord the Bra Head'. They then got kicked out.

They walked past an electronics and hardware store. They ignored it. Yeah, they really didn't want that coffee machine. They walked past a chocolate shop. They went in, but only to mess about. Again. Luxord distracted the assistant at the till, whilst Xigbar jumped behind the counter and stuck his face in the chocolate fountain. They then got kicked out.

They walked past a McDonalds, and went in, but only to get some paper serviettes for Xigbar to clean his chocolate covered face with. Because they're generally too cool for McDonalds. After that, they walked past a card shop. They went in, but only to buy a 'Get Well Soon' card for Xemnas. They also considered buying a card that said 'Happy 80th Birthday, Grandma. It's Better To Be Over The Hill Than Under It.' for Vexen. But the age joke wouldn't work for the two of them, unfortunately, since they were both older than him. Bummer.

They then left the card shop and walked past a Free Alcohol Shop.

"WHOA! FREE ALCOHOL!?" Xigbar said with a slight squee.

"Eh. I'd rather cut down on my alcoholic intake." Luxord said.

"Oh. Okay." Xigbar said.

They then walked on ahead.

"WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT!?" Maleficent said, jumping out of the shop and screaming like the crazy woman she is. "THE PLAN… FAILED!!!!!!!?"

Pete tried to follow her, but was too fat and couldn't fit through the door. So he just stayed inside. "Well, I told ya they's smarter than they seem!"

Not noticing Maleficent at all, Luxord and Xigbar just continued on their very male and very stupid and very pointless shopping trip. They walked past a charity shop. They ignored it. They're just not charitable guys, are they? They walked past a newsagents. They went in, but only to buy candy. Or, as Luxord would obviously call them, sweets. Well, actually, Luxord went in to buy said items. Xigbar went in to annoy the cashier. He then got kicked out. So Luxord payed quickly and left.

"How come he didn't kick you out?" Xigbar asked, rather annoyed since he had been stood out in the cold for a ridiculous amount of time. The ridiculous amount of time being ridiculously short, but not itf you're Xigbar!

"Why do you think?" Luxord said, stuffing his bag of sugary goods into his pocket. "You were irritating him!"

"IRRITATING!?" Xigbar cried. "AS IF!"

They continued onwards. They walked past a weapons shop. They ignored it. Their own weapons are cool enough. Even if Luxord's weapons are cards, they're still cool. Cooler than Zexion's encycopedia, anyway. They walked past a jewellery shop. They went in, but only to mess around again. Since there was no cashier in sight (odd, especially in a jewellery shop. But then, there's probably, like, NO crime whatsoever in the Kingdom Hearts worlds since their Disney), they were able to mess around as much as they wanted. Xigbar found a pair of giant clip-on gold earrings and a matching necklace. He put them on an called himself 'Lady Xigbar'. Luxord put half the jewellery in the store on, as well as a tiara. To which he called himself 'Queen Luxord the 1st of England'. They were amused for a short while, before they realised they were actually… Kind of cross dressing. So they took the jewellery off, and quickly left and were on their way. They then walked past a stationary shop. They ignored it. They walked past a Sephora. They stopped to be hypocritical and laugh at the men in the store, before realising they were hypocritical after trying on all of that jewellery and walking on.

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Meanwhile, back at the Castle That Never Was, there was a lot of smoke coming from the kitchen. Xaldin had burnt dinner. But, it was alright. He knew who to blame, even if it was his OWN fault.

"…DeeeeeeeeeeeeemyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And so, it was back to the Naughty Step for our poor little water mage…

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"Argh… Why can't we find a store to waste all our money in!?" Xigbar grumbled.

Luxord rolled his eyes. "I don't know. Maybe because we're being stupid and getting kicked out of a lot of shops we go in?"

They strolled along for a little bit longer, before Xigbar looked up at the final shop on the row.

"Whoa." He said, sounding remarkably like Neo. Guffaw!

It was a shop called 'Magic Box'. It had a simple sign that was black with white writing with said words on. And the windows were completely covered with purple velvet curtains. Nothing inside could be seen.

"Magic Box…" Xigbar repeated the title. "Isn't this where Xemnas got his book published and sold here?"

"…Xemnas wrote a book?" Luxord asked.

"Oh. Yeah… Uhh… He told Saïx about it, but I guess no one else. I just, well, kinda eavesdropped on the conversation."

Luxord looked up at the sign. "It's a bookshop?"

"I guess." Xigbar shrugged, before walking to the doorway. There was a single sign in the doorway that said 'Open'.

"Are you going in?"Asked Luxord, suspicious about the secretive nature of this shop.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go see what Xemnas's book is." He replied.

"Really? You really want to know."

"Yeah."

Xigbar slowly pushed on the handle, and opened the door very, very slightly. Cautiously, Luxord stoo behind him.

The first thing they saw in the ajar space was a beam of red light, and nothing else but darkness. Distinctly, 'Love Shack' by the B52's was playing inside.

The doorbell ringed as Xigbar pushed it further open.

"Is that a customer or has the fucking delivery boy finally fucking come with the new fucking DVDs yet!?" A very cute, unsuiting voice asked, before adding on the end, "KUPO!"

Xigbar poked his head around the door, and looked directly at the counter. There sat a female Moogle, dressed in tacky leather and wearing awful red lipstick and black eyeshadow. She had a weird looking black headpiece on her boingy ball thing. The room was dark, and was only illuminated by a small desk lamp and deep red filter light from the corner of the room. There was a radio on the counter, that 'Love Shack' was most certaintly coming from.

"Yo." He said, slipping inside and dragging Luxord with him. "Erm. We were just--"

"AAAH! Customers!!" The Moogle said happily, fluttering her tacky black leather covered wings and flying over to them. "We haven't had customers in a long time!!! Kupo!!!!"

"Oh. I wonder why." Luxord said dully and sarcastically.

"KUPO! Hey, so, who told you about the shop?" The Moogle asked.

"Errm, we kinda heard about it from our leader, sorta." Xigbar told her, before exchanging glances with Luxord, who shifted uneasily. "You sell a book by a guy called Xemnas, don't you? He's our boss."

"R-R-REALLY!!!!?" The Moogle said, even giddier now than she was before. "X-XEMNAS!!!!? H-HE'S YOUR BOSS!!!!?"

They nodded slowly.

"Oh WOW!!!!! WOW! WOW! WOW!!! His book is a huge bestseller here and in the Magic Box in Twilight Town, and in Traverse Town, and in Agrabah, and even in Wonderland!!! We SOOOOO want a sequel!!! Will you ask him? Please!!?"

"…Sure." Xigbar said. "Urrm, but we kinda wanna see his book, right? He hasn't let us see it yet, so, can we see it now?"

"Of course! Hang on a second!" The Moogle squeed, and then flew off to the right of the counter. In the dim light, there was a visible beaded doorway that she had gone through.

"Xigbar. This place is frightening." Luxord said, once the Moogle was out of earshot.

"Dude, how can you be scared? You don't have a heart!" Xigbar indicated. "Besides, you've been to Port Royal, and that place is a hell of a lot scarier than a darkened shop that houses a Moogle in tacky leather, dude!"

"No, practically plundering Johnny Depp's booty happened to be a rather enjoyable experience. This, however, is NOT."

"…Dude, watch the game credits! It wasn't even Jonny Depp!"

"Well, you know what I mean!"

As they continued to squabble, they failed to notice that the Moogle had returned with a small book.

"Urrm, I hope I'm not interrupting anything." She said, gaining their attention. JUST LIKE THAT. "But here, this is Xemnas's book."

She rested it on the counter, and they quickly walked over to see…

…A cover with an odd looking… Silver haired… Tanned… Abstract man on the front…

…To which their faces twisted into surprised expressions…

…But they twisted further, as they simultaneously read the book's title…

They chorused it aloud, "Xemna…Sutra!!!!!!?"

"XemnaSutra. Kupo." The Moogle replied, with a cute smile.

"HOLY MOTHER OF SWEET CHILLI SAUCE!!!!" Xigbar yelled, backing across the room. "You're saying XEMNAS - X.E.M.N.A.S - WROTE A BOOK ON………..!!!!!"

Then, both Luxord and Xigbar became very, very OOC, and ran right out of the shop, screaming their never-meant-to-exist heads off.

"You were right, that place IS scary. Is it a book shop, is it a sex shop? We will NEVER know." Xigbar said, once they had calmed down.

Luxord took some kind of sugary good out of his pocket and ate it.

"Yes. I most definitely do not want to know, either."

So, off on their merry way they went, until they bumped into Maleficent and Pete! GASP! NOOO! Pete, by the way, was covered in grease and smelt of McDonalds, for Maleficent had to go their to get grease to butter him up with so that he could fit through the doorway.

"Hey. It's that crazy witch lady and the fat greasy dog guy." Xigbar said. "Dude, you need to get something for that grease!"

"Oh… Okay." Pete said, with a blank look. Like a cow. Then, Pete MIGHT ACTUALLY be an anthropomorphic cow… I always thought he was an anthropomorphic dog, but, come to think of it… Actually, I'm not sure… JUST WHAT KIND OF CREATURE IS THAT CRAZY PETE.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Maleficent cackled. "NOW, FOOLISH MEMBERS OF ORGANIZATION XIII - YOU WILL MEET YOUR DOOM!!!!!!!"

"No we won't." Luxord and Xigbar said simultaneously, after exchanging glances with each other.

"OH YES YOU WILL - YOU'LL…"

Maleficent then paused to look at the empty space in front of her.

"AH, CRAP! THEY TELEPORTED AWAY!!!" Because THAT is how efficient teleportation is for Organization members!

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"Hello, Xigbar, Luxord…" Saïx said in his usual monotonal voice when he saw them reappear in the castle. "What did you buy?"

"Uh, I'll tell you what we DIDN'T buy - and that's a coffee machine!" Xigbar said, whilst trying to think of an excuse as to why. "See, Maleficent and her big greasy dog dude came and they tried to fight us!!"

And, as Xigbar began rambling (RAMBLING! As if…), that, my friends, is where we…

BASS IT!

For those who don't know… 'Bass It' indicates the end of a chapter.

Sorry this wasn't really that funny… Chapter 2 will be funnier, I promise!

Until then, have a good Christmas!

Arcy out! xxxxxx

P.S. Disclaimer: I don't own Sir Luxord the Bra Head or Cap'n Xiggy of the Friggin Fruity Pirates. If you're a devianTART, you'll surely know what I mean.

P.P.S. Medomalacuphobia Fear of losing an erection.