(The Jerry Springer Show theme plays.)
Jerry : Welcome back. Today's show is about cheating women and their angry significant others. Please welcome Leia.
Leia : Hi, Jerry.
Jerry : Leia, what brings you here?
Leia : I'm here to tell my husband Han that for the last 3 months, I have been sleeping with my brother Luke. (The audience groans and boos. The audience starts an "INCEST WHORE" chant.)
Jerry : You're sleeping with your BROTHER?
Leia : Yes, and I'm here to tell Han that I'm leaving him for Luke. (The audience boos and starts chanting "YOU SUCK!".)
Jerry : But Leia, he's your BROTHER!
Leia : So? He has one hell of a lightsaber! (The audience groans.)
Jerry : Leia, where are you from?
Leia : Wait a minute, Jerry. (Leia removes a thing from her mouth and starts talking like a redneck.) The Outer Rim Planet of West Virginia. (The Jerry Springer country music plays. The audience comes up on the stage and starts square dancing.)
"You say things aren't going well.
You're halfway to hell,
and you lost everything that counts!
Gone is your spouse,
and maybe the house.
The only thing you haven't lost are pounds!
Well the kids are bawling,
creditors calling,
when did life become this curse?
Your car won't run,
your days seem done,
Could things ever get worse?
But then there's Oprah Phil and Sally,
and Jerry Springer, too..."
(The music stops. The audience returns to their seats while chanting "JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!".)
Jerry : May the Force be with us for this one. Well, your husband is backstage, and you say he doesn't know?
Leia : No, he doesn't.
Jerry : Well he knows now because he's been watching backstage. Here's Han! (The audience cheers. Han comes out and starts arguing with Leia.)
Han : What the hell's wrong with you, Your Worshipfullness?
Leia : Stop calling me that, you scuffy-looking nerf-heder!
Han : I'M scruffy-looking? The only scruffy-looking nerf-herder I see here is you! You're sleeping with your brother! Did Palpatine suddenly corrupt you?
Leia : You're never there for me! All your concerned about is that damn Millennium Falcon sitting on those stupid cinderblocks! It's all about your spaceship, that damn beer, your Red Man chewing tobacco, and that damn CB radio!
Han : I make time for you, bitch!
Leia : I got your bitch right here, shorty! (Leia bitch-slaps Han. Han raises a hand to Leia, but security guard Steve Wilkos comes up to stop him.)
Steve : Hey! You don't hit women! And watch your language.
Han : Who the hell do you think you are?
Steve : I'M STEVE WILKOS, BITCH! (The audience goes crazy and starts a "STEVE! STEVE! STEVE!" chant.) Now sit your punk ass down before I tase you, bro!
Jerry : Leia, please continue.
Leia : No you don't make time for me! While you're busy working on that stupid ship and doing bestiality on that dog, that big walking carpet -
Han : That's a Wookiee! That's Chewie! He's been my friend for years, you skank! (The audience cheers.)
Leia : But while you're concerned with your crap, Luke's giving me what I need!
Jerry : A two-headed flipper-footed hermaphrodite? (The crowd cheers and chants "JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!".)
Leia : Han, you don't know nothing about the Force! Luke and I use the Force to make each other feel real good! Luke can use the Force to tickle my G-spot! What about you? Oh that's right! You don't believe in the Force! You're Force-impotent! Luke and I share a special bond!
Jerry : Looks like that's not the only thing you've been sharing. (The crowd cheers and starts chanting "JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!".)
Han : Where's that little snot nosed punk? I want a piece of him!
Jerry : Here he is! Here's Luke! (Luke flies out of there and tackles Han to the ground. Steve Wilkos and Todd Schultz separate them.) Luke, I understand you have a question for Leia? (The audience boos and hisses.)
Luke (talking like a redneck) : I sure do, Jerry. (Luke gets down on his knee. The audience boos.) Leia, I've known you for quite a while, and from the first time I saw you, I knew you were the only one for me. Will you marry me? (Han tries to attack Luke, but he's held back by Steve and Todd.)
Leia (crying) : Yes I'll marry you. (The sound of a doorbell plays.)
Jerry : Gee, I wonder who THAT could be? (Jerry goes to the door and opens the door.) Why, IT'S REVEREND SHNORR! (Reverend Shnorr walks in and the place goes wild with the audience chanting "REVEREND! REVEREND! REVEREND!".)
Shnorr : Thank you. I don't have much time. I gotta hit the bar after this, so let's have a wedding! (The "Wedding March" plays as Shnorr, Luke, and Leia move to the part of the stage where they have the weddings.) You got the $100?
Luke : Yep. (Luke hands Reverend Shnorr a crisp new one hundred dollae bill.)
Shnorr : Now that I got my drinking money, we can proceed. Dearly beloved, we are joined here on this most glorious of days. When two souls - even from the same bloodline -
Luke : Watch it, Shnorr.
Shnorr : - join together. Hearts meet, hands join, and the birds sing. (There's a long pause.) I think that's how it goes. My memory ain't too good these days, you know, since I started hitting the bars. (The audience laughs.) Luke, do you take Leia as your wife?
Luke : I do! Now git r done!
Shnorr : And Leia, do you take Luke as your husband?
Leia : Awww hell yeah, Revrund!
Shnorr : I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Han : Like hell you do! (Han pulls out his laser guns and shoots Shnorr dead.) YOU'RE DEAD, LUKE! (Han charges at Luke. Steve and Tood immediately rush in to break it up, but Luke uses the Force to push them a good ten feet away. Steve lands on top of Jerry, breaking Jerry's neck in the process and killing Jerry instantly. Steve is distraught by the death of his boss and he overdoses on tranquilizers and dies. Todd lands ass-first on a broomstick. Yes, Todd ends up with a broomstick up his ass, and he LOVES it. He unzips his pants and whacks off while using his other hand to move the broomstick in and out. He comes, but the jizz lands on Luke. Luke uses the Force to Force-choke Todd to death. Luke then uses the Force to Force-choke Han to death. Luke and Leia get up.)
Luke : As of this day, I declare myself EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE! (Luke's face suddenly becomes wrinkled and pruny like Palpatine's face.) You shall address me as Emperor Skywalker!
Leia : And you shall address me as Lady Skywalker!
Luke : And if any of you have a problem, then step outside and look in the sky. (Everybody runs out and looks up to the sky. They see the Death Star.) Respect the relationship of Leia and I, and I will spare Earth. Desecrate our relationship, and my Death Star will destroy your puny little world! (Luke sees somebody flip the bird.) You got something to say?
Man : Your forehead looks like a huge ass! (The crowd remains silent. Luke uses Force Lightning to kill the infidel instantly, leaving him a smoldering pile of ashes.) Any questions?
Everybody : SIEG HEIL! (Luke and Leia laugh. A closeup of their faces reveal sithly yellow eyes.)
Obi-Wan's spirit : Those two were our last hope.
Yoda's spirit : Hmmpf.
Obi-Wan's spirit : You're not going to say "no, there is another?"
Yoda's spirit : So fucked this universe is.