I fell in love with this song after watching a really good AMV on youtube for it (Cascada version, I'm not a huge country fan, but gotsta lurv the techno) Check it out if you want. Anyway, the song fits beautifully with how Tifa was feeling during On the Way to a Smile: The Case of Tifa. Some of my conversations are cannon (but mixed translations :P) so I tried to be acurate. This is probably the least time I've ever spent on a fic, so tell me what you think of a short rush job! It is kinda choppy but I was trying to fit the lyrics...
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me I can take you being gone. Really. I don't have to pretend about that. Sure I miss you when you're not here, but I can handle it. I'm laying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling because I can hear the rain falling. I really hope it doesn't turn into a storm. Then Denzel won't be able to sleep, and Marlene can't sleep while he's awake and then I'll have to go and sit with them until they fall asleep. Then they'll see that I've been crying. But still, I'm fine with that. I'm fine with crying over you, even if it hurts.
Yuffie keeps telling me I'm better off without you anyway. And it hurts to hear her say what I know is probably true, but I can take it. I can take all this stuff that's being thrown at me. I can smile and nod and tell her she's probably right, because she is. I can do it. I can go through my day, doing everything normal except waiting for you to come home. Because I've stopped expecting it. No. No I don't stare at the door when I'm all alone in the bar. I really don't, I promise. You can believe me about that. I don't worry about you any more either. Because you never called anyway, so I'm not worried that I haven't heard from you in weeks. In weeks. I haven't seen you in weeks. But I'm okay with that, really. It's not something that hurts too bad. More just a dull ache now.
Because it was even worse when you were here.
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
I had been worried about you. You weren't acting like yourself. So I snuck in your room while you were asleep. Did I ever tell you it hurts seeing you have nightmares? Most people look so sweet and peaceful when they sleep. Not you. I almost cried seeing your face all screwed up because I knew that you were reliving them dying all over again.
"We'll be alright, won't we?"
You just kept sleeping. I tried pushing your hair out of your face to smooth out the frown there. It didn't work. Maybe because I was so sure you won't wake up, I asked it.
"Do you love me?"
Then your eyes shot open like I just screamed in your ear. I thought of some way to save what I had just said to you.
"Hey, Cloud. Do you love Marlene?"
And talking to you then was what made me realize how far away you were, even though you were right there. Living in our house, as a part of our family, in the bar that we built together with Barrett. For all that, you were still separate. That's what hurt. That's what I couldn't stand. Being right next to you, thinking of how much I love you and not seeing a thing but your blank closed face.
That night, under the Highwind, I thought for sure things would be different after that.
"Words aren't the only way to tell someone how you feel."
Remember? Just sitting there, looking at you and not knowing what was going to happen to us. I thought for sure… there had to be something after that, right? There had to be some follow up after I finally gave you a hint. This tiny clue of this huge thing eating me up on the inside. This whole thing that I know is love but why does something that's supposed to be so good hurt so bad? I couldn't stand watching you anymore. But that's all I can ever do. Watch you and hurt because you won't look me in the eye.
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I shop through all the vegetables, picking out the best ones. I have to shop now and it feels odd. I can't just ask you to pick up something on your way home.
"Thank you Miss Lockhart," the cashier gives me my change and a few extra gil. "And could you give this to Mr. Strife? I didn't have enough to pay him when he made my last delivery."
My breath catches because now I have to explain that you don't live with me any more.
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to give it to him the next time you see him. He doesn't live at the bar any more." There. Saying 'at the bar' is easier than 'with me'. See? I told you I'm fine. I've come up with little tricks like that to make it easier. And I don't mind having to explain to people. Really I don't. Because I know you're still alive at least. You won't answer your cell, but I can ask anyone around town if they've seen you, and odds are, they have. Except me. It seems like everyone has seen you around but me.
When I get home, Cid and Shera are sitting talking to Yuffie. They look up and go quiet when I come in. Yeah. Real inconspicuous. But I smile and pretend I don't know they were just talking about me.
"Hi guys. It's nice that you came by."
"We were in the neighborhood," Shera smiles nervously, elbowing Yuffie.
"Well Teef…" Yuffie starts and I can just tell that it's another 'get over him' pep talk. "You really haven't been your usual self lately. It's not like you to be stuck on depressing stuff all in your own head."
And I stop because I remember you telling me something like that.
"It's not like you to be troubled by your thoughts." You smiled at me so that I'd say something.
"It's... Just the way I am." I didn't know what else to say because I don't want to tell you that I was thinking about you.
"No. You're much more cheerful and strong. If you've forgotten the way you were then, I'll be there to remind you." Even though you're gone now, I'm still touched for that. You actually managed to say something sweet with out getting embarrassed.
"You really will?" I remember looking up at you and feeling like everything is going to be alright, because you were finally smiling. I don't remember you ever smiling before.
"Probably," and there's the embarrassed blush. You're so cute when you're embarrassed.
"I'm fine Yuffie," I smile at her and start polishing the bar to keep my hands busy. "Things have been going great. I've been making enough money for me and the kids. The customers don't get too violent. Nothing I can't handle. Most of them leave if I ask nice enough. I haven't had a fight in here in weeks. Things have been going great."
"Right." Cid flicks his cigarette off into the ashtray with excellent accuracy. Shera puts a hand on his arm warningly. "Oh no, you ain't stoppin me this time." He shrugs her off and gets to his feet. "Darlin, you've got to resolve this shit with that man. If he don't come home? Fine. Then you forget about him. If you can get him back here talkin to us? Great. But stop hangin out in the middle! This ain't you, and we don't want to sit here watchin you suffer through it alone."
"I'm not alone." I just keep cleaning. But on the inside I'm so mad I could just hit him. He shouldn't talk about you like that. Like you're some cruel person torturing me on purpose. Even If I'm mad at you too. That I can't see you and that I haven't spoken to you in weeks. "I have the kids. And you and the rest coming along every once in awhile. It's been going really great for me."
"Stop just going through the motions!" Yuffie's on her feet too now. "We all can see you miss him alright? Tell us what we can do to help you! We'll talk to you. We'll work this out with you!"
"I'm fine," I just keep smiling softly at them. They just don't get it. Really, I'm fine. But I already told you that. "Honestly you guys. Don't worry about me, okay? I'm doing great."
"Alright, we're leaving," Shera sighs, grabbing her coat. "Just come and tell us if you need to talk, alright Hun?"
"Yeah, sure thing," I just keep smiling at them but they don't smile back. "It was good to see you again. Come over any time you want, alright?"
"Yeah."
It's another morning. Another day that I wake up with you gone. I pull the blankets tight around me and for a second I can pretend that you're there too. On a morning like this, you might wrap your arm around me and kiss my cheek. It's time to get up. The kids need breakfast. You'll help me with the eggs. It's so nice of you to help me with breakfast all the time.
But you're not there. You never were there. Even when you lived here you were in the room next door. I know it isn't something I should be worried about, especially now. But I couldn't even touch your hand without you turning away. What does that mean? That you don't want to be close to me? Are you afraid of being near me and what that would mean? I would try not to get too close to you because you would always pull away. And that hurt more than anything.
I get dressed and brush out my hair. I remember when I first cut it, you told me it looked nice. When I laughed, you blushed and locked yourself in your room the rest of the night. That was so sweet of you to say something. I never thanked you for that. I never said anything about anything like that. You always tried so hard to say the nicest things and I would just smile back at you. I should have said something back. But I just never thought of it until after you left.
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
"Tifa! Tifa!?"
I don't believe it. No. You're not here. It's just my imagination. Maybe a hallucination after getting the shit beat out of me. I try opening my eyes and swim through the sleep that's wrapping around me.
"You're late," is all I can manage. My brain is just playing the same thing over and over again. He's here, he came. He's here, he came. He's here. And you're holding me, trying to wake me up with out hurting me, shaking me gently.
"Who did this to you?" You say it like you're going to rip out the guy's throat or something. It's the only thing you get mad at. Your friends getting hurt.
"He didn't say," I must be stupid and slow or something. My brain just isn't coming up with anything. Dark keeps slipping through my vision and I can't focus on your face. Funny, it's never something I've had a problem with before. I feel like I'm drunk. Everything's all fuzzy. Even your sharp blue eyes, looking wide and horrified down at me are blurry whenever you move your head. Then I remember. "Marlene!" I sit up but my head throbs. Remind me to take an advil when we get home, would you? I fall back and the last thing I remember feeling is your arm catching me before I hit the floor.
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
I want to just say everything to you. Everything I've ever wanted to say. How have I never noticed before how hard it is to be close to you? How did I ever stand being alone with you before? I love you. Love you. You. Not this guy that's given up on life and just told Turks to go looking for our children. Yes our children. I know we aren't parents. But we raised them together. They are ours.
And what is this shit about not being fit to save anyone? I don't know what you're going through, that's true. I've got no idea what it's like having Geostigma. But I can't even sort out my feelings about all this just now. You're dying. You're dying. Dying. No. This isn't right. And you're sure as hell not making things any better with this depression act. This thing you've suddenly got about being afraid of everything. Can't you see that you'd have it so much easier if you let me help? I don't know what to do, but that's not my fault. It's you who won't let me in. Closed up, huh? Well, that's nothing new I guess. I'm used to it. And that's how I can stand not knowing how to ease your pain. I'll let you stick it out yourself. Just get your ass moving and do something, because this whole 'let everyone else take care of it so it's their fault if something bad happens' thing is getting really old really fast. Let's go and find our children. Please. I can help you if you just open up.
"No giving up!" And I mean it. Don't you dare give up on me. I will kill you if you think that you can take all this lying down. We're your friends. We don't let you just stop fighting. So stop thinking that you can get out of being who you are.
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
The kids of the town are all splashing around you. You look kind of embarrassed. I've said you're cute when you're embarrassed before, right? Denzel is laughing with everyone else. I'm glad that he's alright. He was so sick. I was scared for him.
And you're smiling. Smiling again. A week ago, I would have done anything to see you smile again. Funny. I didn't have to do a thing to get you smiling. You've got a great smile. I wish I could see it more often.
I don't want to say I think things will be better now. Because I have thought that so many times before and it just hurts so much worse when they fall apart again. But I've just got to believe it this time. This time I know that you'll stay at the bar. Stay at home. And you'll never leave again. You'll never be gone unless you have to. Promise me that, okay? And if you want to leave, tell me why. Don't just go. I know that goodbyes are hard, but please, for my sake, tell me when you leave… okay? Please. That's all I ask from you. I could stand never telling you I love you if you would just be honest with me. Just promise me you'll be there, alright? Just for me.
I haven't seen you in weeks. In weeks. So I'm soaking in looking at you right now. Your smile, your stupid Chocobo hair, your eyes. You've got such beautiful eyes. Don't ever keep me from seeing them again. Ever.
Because that's what hurts me the most. Watching you slip away from me without knowing why. Being next to you and being able to touch you while you're somehow far away. Don't ever make me feel that again. Promise me that and I can take anything.
Yay! Happy ending to bittersweet songfic! I'm a disney ending kinda gal, so sue me. I feel so refreshed! I finished a whole songfic in one day! And just for the record, I've got this done at 12:20 in the middle of the night. I didn't even start it before I posted my last one in this fic, and that was around like, noon or something. So I pretty much wrote this and went about my daily business in less than twelve hours!Woofta! So yay! It feels good. I feel so back in the game! It was a rough couple days here but I'm back now. But I can't post it just now because my Beta has something going on early tomorrow so she has to sleep for once :P. Jk. Snaps to her for balancing so many different things and still finding time to beta for me!