Summery: M-preg, crack-a-fic. Kisame discovers why Itachi seems to be gaining weight. The entirety of the Akatsuki learn to never leave any form of child with Hidan for any given point of time. Deidara understands why any woman would want to strangle her partner while during childbirth. Crack, and Yaoi.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor will I ever. I just have my lonely three manga, my two headbands, and my OC's. ;-; We have parties, sometimes….
Whoop: First chapter, and poor Bii-chan is hating my guts.Well... more like vomiting over the concept of this story, but I hope to make her at least smile a little bit on some of its' content. It's not about where they came from, because it seriously screws with the whole 'Where do babies come from?' question, but it's who they are, and how fucking funny they can be.
Srsly.
Anyways, got the idea from a RP I was working on. We wanted to spice it up a little (mind you, after Kisame nearly dies at one point in time), so we decided to try M-preg. My insane little brain came up with this explosion of crack.
Remember: When life gives you Lemons, Read them and Drool.
"'Tachi? Are you getting fat?"
"No." A growled response came, a pair of sharingan eyes glaring up at a blue-skinned male.
"Hn…" Kisame muttered in response, a suspicious tone in his voice. "I had noted you were looking less flat a few weeks ago, but now it's even noticeable under your shirt." He grunted, grinning stupidly and scratching your head. "You haven't, ah… been eating between meals, have you?" he asked.
Itachi sighed heavily. "No, Kisame. If I have, I would've invited you, because we all know you love to eat. Now go get packed so we can leave, already." He grunted out, working on packing his own things. His partner nodded a bit and trailed over to his side of the bed, collecting random weapons, traps, and exploding tags and tossing them into a bag. The Uchiha caught some glances directed at him, and he sighed heavily. 'It's going just as fast as Hidan's was, right before they left for that three-year-long mission.' He thought to himself, frowning.
Why the immortal teamneeded all that time was a mystery, anyways. To some.
About a half an hour of hurrying Kisame on, and another ten minutes to pack extra food provisions so they could eat while they ran to the village they'd be stationed in (Kisame insisted, since they hadn't had breakfast), the duo were ready to leave. Placing their packs in their cloaks, and donning the symbol of the Akatsuki, they were soon off and traveling.
It took a full day to get to Futaro village, and the two males removed their cloaks and trailed into the small town to find a decent hotel. When one was spotted, Itachi sighed in partial relief that there was a hot springs. They checked into a room and went and deposited their things, not having to start the mission until the next day.
It was a simple mission, Kisame thought, as the two of them stripped, donned towels around their waists, and headed down to the hot springs. They would have to seek out a few of their spies, and kill off a duo that threatened to reveal said spies to the village. With a hot springs and plenty of time to complete the mission, it was like a paid vacation. He wondered what Kakuzu would have to say to that.
Grinning, Kisame's eyes wandered over Itachi's form as they removed the towels and slipped into the steaming waters. There was nobody there, so the shark-man was free to tuck his arms around the other male, nuzzling his cheek. A hand slid down and rested on a pale stomach, subconsciously rubbing at it lightly as they sat comfortably together. It was after a few moments of that hand being slapped, that the blue male began to notice something.
"'Tachi?" Kisame asked lightly, and watched as the other male turned his head away a bit. "Why… are you getting fat?" the shark knew that had been the wrong question, and rubbed his head with a pained expression after being hit.
"Okay… Why… don't you have a sixpack anymore?" the blue male improvised, giving a hopeful grin as he was glared at. "What?"
"Why do you think I might be getting fat, Kisame?" Itachi asked, giving a distinct movement away from the other male. "And- It doesn't have anything to do with diet and exercise, and you are apart of the reason." The Uchiha sighed as he looked away from the shark-man's pitiful, blank look.
"Wait… How would I be involved?" Kisame asked, trying to scoot close to Itachi again. He wrapped his arms around the other male, this time, making sure he couldn't go anywhere. He pouted as the Uchiha purposefully didn't look at him. His hand trailed down again and rested on the partially swollen stomach, trying to imagine what it was. His eyes widened a little as a soft hand came over his, and let them rest there.
"Do you want to know why Hidan and Kakuzu have been gone for so long, and why Deidara's been locked up in he and Sasori's room for the past week?" Itachi asked softly, head slowly turning to look at Kisame.
"We're pregnant."
The rest of the trip didn't seem to matter. Itachi and Kisame finished the mission early, and were somewhat quiet for the rest of their time there. It was two full weeks when they returned to the hideout, and they immediately noticed the change in air around the place. It was oddly quiet, and an air of relief hung around. As they shuffled to their room, the Uchiha noted that Kakuzu and Hidan seemed to have returned.
Setting his bag on its' usual place beside his dresser, Itachi removed his cloak and immediately slipped into bed, oddly exhausted. Kisame had followed behind him, closing the door and dropping his own bag beside it. He wandered over to the bed and bent down, giving the Uchiha a kiss, and then a mumble that he was going to shower, before he disappeared into the bathroom.
Itachi watched him go before letting his eyes close. He aught to check in with Leader, and make sure he got the reward in for Kakuzu to count up and split their portion into their accounts, but he didn't feel like moving. Sighing, he rolled onto his back, his hand covering his eyes and rubbing them a bit as he gave off a small yawn. The hand then moved down and rubbed at the sliver of stomach that was hanging out partially from under the fishnets that usually covered everything.
Kisame had reacted strangely to Itachi's news, and the raven-haired male continued to ponder at it. The shark had stared at him until the Uchiha finally decided to close his mouth for him before he began catching flies. And then the questions came, and he, the smartest of his clan, who'd become one of the youngest to join Konoha's ANBU squad, had no answers. That led to a bit of an argument, and they weren't talking to each other for anything more then directions for the mission.
Only when the reward was safe in their possession, did they talk again. Just before they left to return to the hideout, did they actually cuddle and kiss once more. And the odd thing about it all was that they decided to keep it.
Itachi smiled to himself just slightly as he let out a soft sigh, shifting his head to bury it into a pillow. He was on Kisame's side of the bed, and said pillow smelled nice. They would keep the child, and maybe train them to become great shinobi, like its' parents. The Uchiha fell asleep before a certain Ex-Mist-nin even turned on the shower.
Kisame's first taste of what was slowly approaching came with the following morning, after returning to the hideout. Itachi had gotten up early, mumbling something about being sick. The shark-man had gone back to bed after the Uchiha assured him he would be okay. The next thing he'd heard was that the ravonette was hungry, and that was that. The blue-male drifted in and out of sleep for the next few minutes, and then decided to get up and have breakfast with his partner. Strange things soon followed.
After getting dressed, Kisame yawned and wandered out of he and Itachi's room, heading for the kitchen. He heard some chatter, and several swear words that he could pick out indicated that it was Hidan. He then heard a few things of what sounded like Itachi, but he'd yet picked out any coherent words besides 'Fuck', 'Fucker', and 'Asshole', which were obviously all Hidan. And then, the shark-man had to stop and strain his ears. He heard a vague word of 'Fuckhead', but it sounded neither like Hidan or Itachi, or even anyone in the Akatsuki, for that matter.
It sounded distinctly like a small child.
Curiosity piqued, Kisame cautiously stepped forwards, and paused at the end of the hall that leaded to the living room, which opened into the dining room. Hidan and Itachi were sitting at the table, chatting almost casually, and Kakuzu was sitting on the couch with the TV on. It was what the stitched-nin's black threads were holding on to that got him interested. He didn't even note the minor wave the other male gave him as he watched for a bit.
"Fucker!" A tiny finger pointed at Kisame, and then there were three. Black-haired, red-eyed, and distinctly carrying traits of their parents, a set of triplets stood at the end of their 'leashes', while their father was partially amused by them, and the costumed crew of short fat things that were rainbow-colored, and had televisions in their stomachs.
"That's right, Kira." Came Hidan's voice from the diningroom, his interest pulled from his and Itachi's conversation, to the arrival of Kisame. "Look what that fucker did to Itachi's stomach… it's going to leave marks, if you don't put lotion on it after every shower. It's fucking annoying. And then, you're going to be sick every morning for a while. I'm making sure that asshole on the couch there doesn't get it for a while. There's no way in hell I'm letting that happen again." The jashinist's conversation wavered between Kisame, and Itachi.
"Love you too,
Honey." Came Kakuzu's weary reply as he began channel surfing. He
sighed as he was griped at about leaving it on the kids' program,
and Kisame was un-distracted enough to wander past the toddlers which
were now playing with crayons and a set of coloring books. The
shark-man vaguely noted lots of red, in places that made it look like
blood, while he heard Kakuzu in the background making a point that
the kids were already starting to address people as 'Bitches' and
'Fuckers' anyways. Sitting down at the table in the dining room after grabbing a glass of orange juice, he looked to Itachi, and blinked.
"'Tachi… what are you eating?"
Kisame stared at something that might've come from Frankenstein's kitchen. A sandwich with, what the obvious toppings were, tuna and peanutbutter hanging out the bites taken from them. And then there was the bowl of ice cream with the distinct chunks of pickles mixed in.
"Breakfast." Itachi smirked lightly at the sharkman's weirded-out expression. He glanced up as Sasori entered the room, looking a bit tired, as his hair was in even more disarray than usual.
"Is he still hungry?" Hidan asked, smirking and raising his eyebrows.
"Yeah… he wants another tomato and ice cream sandwich." The redhead grunted, nodding to Kisame a little, and seeming almost immune to the thought of such weird foods.
"We should probably feed the little fuckers, too. Don't go too overboard on the ice cream- I think either Kiro or Kire wanted some. And when one wants it, so do the other two." Hidan grunted, standing and stretching a bit. Wandering into the livingroom, both he and Kakuzu rounded up the kids and began bringing them into the kitchen to set in chairs. Kisame shifted and stood up as they began arguing in a mixed babble of a few coherent words, toddler-talk, and swear words.
"I think I'll come back later for food." The shark-man mumbled, feeling a little overwhelmed. Itachi nodded a little, a small smirk finding its' way to his lips. "Don't wait too long to eat- you shouldn't miss meals. You might lose weight." He commented, taking a bite of his ice cream as he watched the blue male go.
"Thanks, Hidan-san." Itachi commented softly as his partner disappeared into the hallway leading off to their room. "I want him to get used to it, since we've both already agreed to keep it." He murmured, watching the two parents serve out three dishes of random things to eat. A scoop of ice cream in a bowl, and then a plate of a sandwich, and handfuls of whatever chips were in the kitchen. Each of the triplets got a plate, and each parent began making sure they didn't eat too messily.
"No problem." Hidan smirked, feeding Kira, while Kakuzu tended to Kire and Kiro. "Even though they're a pain in the ass, there's no way in hell I'll give them up for anything." His smile was partially short-lived, as Kira stuck a pretzel up his nose. "On second thought… Come here, you little fucker!" A chant of 'Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!' was taken on by the other two children, as Hidan tickled Kira to the point where they were both turning red from laughter.
Itachi smiled, and thought about what it might be like with his own kin adding to the rucus during mealtimes. As well as Deidara and Sasori's….
Life within the Akatsuki would change drastically, but the Uchiha had a smile on his face thinking about it. He blinked as a hand was waved in front of his eyes.
"What'chya thinking about?" Hidan asked, and Itachi noted how much more friendly the Jashinist was, compared to the complaining zealot that had left the hideout a few years before.
Still smiling, Itachi shook his head. "Our impending doom."
Please, Review! Give me your comments- but none of your flames! I've got a lighter and some sticks for that! And, please... if you really want more- just keep reviewing more, and generally prodding me with a sharp stick. 'Cause, we all know how frequently my brain pushes me to work on these things vv;