"I'm going to need the sperm back."
One thing Professor Hamilton both liked and disliked about working at S.T.A.R. Labs: That wasn't the strangest request he'd gotten from a patient. In fact, it was downright normal. Even for a fertility test.
"It's nothing personal or weird or even Kryptonian," Superman explained. "But I can't take the risk of any of my bodily fluids falling into the wrong hands. Trust me, you don't want to know what Lex Luthor could do with my semen."
"I'm in complete agreement." And eww, Hamilton added mentally. "Based on our tests, there is an extreme probability of a successful human-Kryptonian cross-breeding. Obviously, we can only speculate as to the pregnancy, but based on the information your Fortress's AI furnished for us, I believe both mother and child would be healthy."
Superman couldn't quite contain a wide grin that for some reason reminded Hamilton of his cousin from Kansas. "Thanks, Doc. It means a lot to me."
"Ah."Best not to ask why he needed to know then. "Good luck to you… and the Mrs."
Superman was welding the rivets of a falling Tokyo skyscraper back on when he detected the distinct cry of a signal watch. He was prepared for another 'Hey, Big S, got a girl I need to impress. I don't mean to bother you, but if you could just see here, man—' call from Jimmy, but then he heard Lois's voice say "Clark, I'm ovulating."
He went into a blur of motion. Usually he left the superspeed to Flash, preferring to do the job slower to conserve energy for the day-night long haul. He'd been cautious ever since the Doomsday incident, like a reckless driver who had a fender-bender. But for Lois, he could rush things a bit.
"Batman, do you mind taking my shift?"
It was 8:30 PM today in Tokyo, which made it 7:30 AM yesterday in Gotham. Luckily, Bruce had finished his one-hour sleep meditation.
"I have a business meeting," Bruce grumbled. Clark couldn't tell if it was because he'd woken him up or if it was because he was still in Bat-mode. Or both. Maybe he slept in that damn cape. It was a very nice cape, though. Clark made a mental note to ask Bruce how he got it so swoosh.
"My wife is ovulating."
Although Clark couldn't see the expression on Bruce's face, what he could hear of Bruce's bodily processes going on strike was reward enough.
"I'll file that information away for later." Clark was about to ask if that was a joke when his super-hearing picked up keystrokes. "Why should Lois's reproductive cycle concern me?"
"We're trying for a kid." And that facial expression Clark wouldn't miss for the world, so he said it while hovering outside the mansion and using his X-ray vision. Rao bless superspeed.
Bruce threw open the curtains and stared at Clark. "You want breakfast?"
Alfred served them orange juice and some sort of calamari that Bruce slurped down like candy.
"Gift from Arthur," Bruce explained. "It's called kolka. Ten times the protein of oat bran."
"Speaking of protein, I really have to get going. Lois is expecting me back."
"I think it's a bad idea."
Superman cocked his head, confused, as Bruce sipped his orange juice. "You think it's a bad idea?"
"A child, especially with your DNA, is a liability to both yourself, your secret identity, and Lois. It could be kidnapped, it could be experimented on, it could be—"
"He," Clark interrupted. "We're trying for a boy. A girl later, after she has a big brother to protect her."
Bruce scowled in a manner that no doubt would have been quite effective if Clark were a Robin. "You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?"
"Believe me, me and Lois have gone over this a million times. We're willing to take the chance."
"What about the risk to us? If he goes rogue…"
"You really think I'd raise a son who'd go rogue?" Clark smiled. "Besides, if he starts to turn to the Dark Side, I'll just ask you for some parenting advice." He lightly punched Bruce in the shoulder.
"And have you thought of what devoting a time to a child will do to the team?"
"Oh. Oh, I get it."
"I was referring to the Justice League."
"No, you were talking about us. You're worried you're going to lose your friend."
"I have lots of friends," Bruce said casually, taking another drink. A big one.
"Bruce, we'll still have time to fight evil together."
"I'm not worried about that. Are you really going to leave a crisis alone so you can change a diaper."
"That's why we're going to hire a nanny."
Bruce almost moaned. "Don't come running to me when he runs off to the Teen Titans and breaks your heart. I'll be laughing."
"You never laugh."
"I'll make an exception. Go on, get out of here. Your wife's ovulating."
One sex scene later, at the Hualālai volcano on the island of Hawai'i…
Superman cooled the lava flow with a gust of superbreath as Kon stuffed up the volcano with as many boulders as he could carry, trying to construct a big enough cork to pinch it closed.
"So then, get this, Batman gets worried that we won't have any more fun."
"Frick, this is impossible!" Kon punching the volcano, opening up a secondary lava flow towards the ocean. He began widening it with heat-vision. "Ha! Anyway, me and Cassie broke up because the Amazons don't approve of me and suddenly she wants to be uber-warrior or whatever, then Knockout comes back and says she's reformed. So now we're dating on and off, but I'm not sure if I trust her. She really hurt me bad last time, and I'm not just talking about the rough… kiss. I think she wants to take the relationship to the next level and I'm a little scared about that. What if I don't do it right? What if everyone else is already doing it? What if she wants to do it up the butt? My butt, Kal!"
Superman stared at him. "Did you hear? Batman's worried we won't be friends anymore."
Batman waited until Lois had put away groceries before he did his pouncing come-out-of-the-shadows (of which Lois was sure there weren't any, but hey, it was only the lighting scheme in her own apartment, what did she know). So she had that to be thankful for.
"Kal-El told me about your ovulation."
"Oh." Lois idly wondered what conversation-starters Batman had abandoned as too weird. She started unbuttoning her jacket. "Well, if he wanted a threesome, he could've cleared it with me first, but I'm no prude."
"Your child is going to have a wonderful sense of humor. I'm going to stay far away from him."
Thanks for not making me ask that and then being all awkward about it. Lois shook it off. "Shut up, you know you want to be godfather."
Funny, that's exactly what Dick said the last time he and Kory talked to me. Batman shook it off. "I was wondering…"
"If you can baby-sit? Because Dinah has him until he turns two. She arm-wrestled people for it. For a woman with no superstrength, she's Sylvester Stallone in Over The Top-good."
"No. I was wondering whether you really intend to release Kryptonian DNA into the human genome."
"Gee, when you put it that way…" Lois dug into her sweets stash for a power bar. "Lunch?"
"I had kolka."
"Huh?"
"It's an Atlantean calamari. Very high in protein."
"Uh-huh."
"Do you know the ramifications your hybridization could have on the evolutionary process in just a few generations?"
"People might start getting stronger, faster, and flying. The horror," Lois said dryly. "The horror."
Batman crossed his arms. "Laugh while you can, but when a cross-species pandemic is wiping out planet Earth, don't come running to me, because I'll be long-dead. Or in cryogenic suspension. It's a contingency plan."
"Yeah-huh, shoo, before I sic a gossip columnist on you."
Batman's eyes bored into her. Then they briefly flicked to the left.
"What?" she asked, turning to see what he was looking at.
When she looked back, he was gone.
"I'm not going to tell Clark I fell for that."
Several sex scenes, unsuccessful pregnancy tests, a missed period, a successful pregnancy test, and nine months later…
"It's a healthy baby boy! Have you thought of what to name him?"
"Samuel Bruce Kent."
This was probably because I bought the hospital for them, Bruce thought. Then gingerly accepted a cigar from Clark.
"Looks like that fertility plan did the trick," Clark said, lighting Bruce's cigar with a quick burst of heatvision.
Bruce puffed. "I love it when a plan comes together."