Disclaimer – I own none of the Stargate franchise.

SPOILERS Series four, straight up.

A/N – This is by far the most ridiculous thing I've ever written… just go with it, and let me know what you think!

Chapter One – I find myself surrounded by lunatics.

What. The. Hell.

I mean seriously, what the hell? Where am I? What's going on? I'm so cold… and it's so bright… what the hell just happened? One minute I'm warm and safe – okay, so the past while it was a bit weird in there… it was like something was squeezing me… but it was still better than being out here.

Where is out here, anyway? Cold and bright… so, it's obviously…er… well I don't have much to compare it with, really, but it's definitely not good.

So, I'm here and there's all these faces peering down at me, and they're huge… so much bigger than I am. And they're so loud… I mean come on… indoor voices people. Or maybe it's just because I'm not used to not having anything between me and them when they're talking.

Because I recognise the voices – some of them, anyway. There's someone yelling "Is he okay?" and then one of the faces looking down at me is talking as well, saying that I'm fine and that I'm a boy… wow, she's quick.

Then she sticks something in my mouth – er, excuse me! That I do not like, and I let her know my distaste by screaming. Really loudly.

It doesn't seem to bother her though – in fact she seemed really happy that I'm screaming at her. I scream louder. No change. Hmm… interesting.

"Teyla, would you like to cut the cord?"

You want to do what to my cord? WHAT!?

"Yes, alright…"

That voice I definitely know. That's the woman who talks to me all the time. But seriously, my cord? First they rip me out of my… wherever I was… and now they want to kill me?

There's a hand coming towards me and it's holding something… it looks sharp. I try to move away but it doesn't work the way I hope – in fact I don't move at all. I try screaming louder, but that doesn't stop the hand either. This is it. The end. Goodbye cruel world!

I close my eyes. I can't look. I wait for the crushing blackness to take me into its relentless nothingness…

Wait a minute. I'm alive. I'm still screaming, there are still people round me. I open my eyes again just in time to see my severed cord being pushed away. I'm a little embarrassed by what a fuss I made over it getting cut, and try to cover it by continuing to scream. This tactic seems to work.

I'm lifted up – can't tell you how weird that is – and wrapped in something soft. I immediately feel warmer, which is something I guess. But the whole being carried thing… I'm not sure I like it. At all.

I'm still screaming when I come to a sudden stop, and feel two new arms hold on to me. I hear someone shushing me in soothing tone and I realise it's that voice again, the one that was always talking to me when I was in there. I leave off the screaming for a moment and open my eyes.

The face looking down at me is… well… actually she looks kind of crappy. She's sweating and her eyes are all puffy and her skin is all blotchy and her hair is all over the place…but she's smiling. That's kind of nice. And it's not bad, here in her arms…

Yes. This I can definitely get used to.

"Hello," she says quietly, still smiling.

Howdy.

A guy steps into view, and he looks almost as bad as the woman. His hair is really messy.

"Hey kid," he says.

Another voice I know. When I was… in there… there were men's voices I heard a lot, and he was one of them.

I give him a blink of greeting. Best I can do I'm afraid.

He's smiling as well – it's quite nice that all these people are happy to see me. It does the old ego good.

"I'm John," the guy says.

Tough break, buddy.

John. Bor-ing. I don't know what my name is yet, but here's hoping it's something really cool, like… Replicator. I heard people saying that a lot when I was in there; no clue what it means but it sure is a cool name!

I look up at the woman holding me. So what's your name missy?

She doesn't tell me – she just tucks me in closer to her and kisses my forehead. Which I don't mind. In fact, I'm super-comfortable… uh-oh. I'm falling asleep. I'm not sure sleep is such a good idea – the last time I fell asleep I woke up to being squeezed out of my place. Who knows what might happen to me out here.

She shifts me closer to her again and I feel my eyelids drooping. Oh to hell with it.

XXXXX

I have no idea how long I slept for, but when I woke up I wasn't being squeezed, which was nice. But I'm lying here, on something very flat, and I'm looking up at two faces peering down at me. They're both men – one has short hair and the other… well, the less said about his hair the better.

"Look, he's awake," said the short-hair one. Yet another recognisable voice.

"I can see that Rodney," says the other.

Rodney? Ouch.

They go back to just staring at me, which I get bored of very quickly. Given that I have no other means of expressing this, I start to scream again. If I wasn't so fed up, I would find their reactions funny. The two of them jump back like they've been bitten, and they look so scared anyone would think I was gonna explode.

John appears from nowhere, looking concerned. "What did you do?" He demands.

"Nothing!" Comes the indignant reply. From both of them.

John gives them a look that clearly says he doesn't believe them. Meanwhile, I'm still screaming. Hellooooooo?!

"What do we do?" Asks Rodney.

"Er – doc? Doc!" Yells John.

Doc? What the hell is doc?

"Doc – he's crying!"

Another voice answers – the voice I recognise from before. "Really? I couldn't tell."

"Ha ha," replies Rodney sarcastically.

"And you're all just standing here? For heaven's sake…"

The owner of the voice comes into view, and sure enough it's the woman who had the bright idea to cut my cord. The crazy, crazy woman.

She walks over to me and, without any warning, picks me up. I'm surprised into silence for a moment.

"Babies cry, it's what they do," she says.

Damn right. I start to scream again.

"Let me take him to Teyla," she says. "Move, Ronon."

Ronon. Huh. Now that's not too bad. Not as good as Replicator, of course, but not bad. And Teyla… that must be the woman who was holding me earlier. Cool.

I'm carried through an open doorway and see Teyla sitting up in bed, looking worried. I feel a little guilty, but not enough to stop screaming.

"Is he alright?" She asks.

"He's fine," answers the Doc person.

Speak for yourself, darlin'.

"The guys just balked when he started to cry," she says as she hands me over to Teyla. She settles me against her and I leave off with the screaming a little bit.

"Hey – it's not like we have much experience with babies!" Says Rodney. He and the others must have followed us.

I look up at Teyla and see she's smiling at me again. I stop screaming, though I whimper every now and then, just to keep them all on their toes. No point letting them get too comfortable.

The Doc steps away and John, Rodney and Ronon come back into view. They're all looking at me.

Do I have something on my face? What!?

I look back at them, and notice that they all look really bad. And not just their hair – though it certainly doesn't help, especially with Ronon. No, they all look like they've been beaten up. Rodney has bruises on his neck and jaw. Ronon has a cut on his forehead with stitches on it, and John has a bandage on his wrist as well as a bruised eye. They've obviously been having fun somewhere.

"You decide on a name?" Asks Ronon.

Ooh… moment of truth!

"I have," says Teyla. "I am going to name him after my father."

Okay… and…?

"Nice," says Ronon.

That better not be the name.

"Tagan, right?" Says Rodney.

Tagan? Tagan… Tagan Tagan Tagan. I guess that's… well, it's really boring, actually. But it could be worse. I look at Rodney and John. Oh yes, it definitely could be worse.

"Yes," says Teyla. She gives me another smile before looking at the guys again. "Tagan John."

She's kidding. That was a joke, right?

The guys all look at each other, obviously surprised. I look at John – he's staring at Teyla in shock. Then he blinks and clears his throat, smiling a little. "That's er… um… wow."

Jeez, I can't even speak and can form sentences more coherently than that. But that's beside the point. Tagan John? Could my name be any more BORING? Ugh.

They start talking again, but I tune out. I'm starting to get annoyed… fretful… I'm feeling weird… Oh no – I'm hungry. I'm hungry… starving…

And these maniacs cut my cord.

I'm going to die. I'm so going to die! I start to scream again – it just seems like the most sensible thing to do.

"He's probably hungry, Teyla," says the Doc person. Regular little detective, she is. "You should try feeding him."

"And we're out of here!" Exclaims John loudly.

Obviously he doesn't want to be around to see me die. I mean, how is Teyla supposed to feed me without my cord?

The end is nigh.

XXXXX

So, it turns out Teyla has a highly efficient method of feeding me without my cord. And it also turns out that there are lots and lots and lots of people in this place, because I haven't had two seconds to myself all day. There's been a constant stream of visitors, and as far as I can tell their sole aim in visiting is to peer down at me and say "awww…"

This is all well and good, but it gets slightly annoying after the first fifty or so people.

Also, I'm totally confused by Teyla. I thought that's what her name is, but people keep calling her 'Mommy' as well, which she seems to like even though it's the stupidest name I've heard so far. It's worse than Rodney. Though, apart from the confusing name situation and the fact that she called me Tagan John, I like Teyla. She's alright.

It's a good thing I like her, since it seems that she's the only way I'm ever gonna eat. Though, I also have a sneaking suspicion that when I was inside, I was inside her. I know, it sounds crazy… but I can't shake the feeling I'm connected to her…

Well anyway, I'm gonna get me some shut-eye. It's been a really, really long day, and I'm pretty sure that tomorrow will be pretty trying as well.

TBC