Title: I Feel Like Dying
Warnings: Dark, angsty suicidal Ichigo. Heavy drug and alcohol use. Implied Gang/Street violence. Character Deaths.
Summary: Ichigo can't live without it. Once he runs out, he feels like dying. AU.
Disclaimer: BLEACH belongs to Tite Kubo (who totally pwns). I do not profit from this or any of my fanfiction.
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Only once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying
Only once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying
Only once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying
Ichigo stumbled into bathroom, finally getting the door open, and fell to his knees, his head almost falling into the toilet. His hands gripped the seat tightly and tried to steady himself. His head was spinning endlessly, his whole world felt like an unsteady boat against crashing waves. He felt like he was about to lose his balance at any moment and fall off the side of the highest building. But he knew he was on the ground. The ground just wouldn't stay still. To Ichigo, the world wouldn't stop swaying. Everything just kept moving. Nothing, not even his mind was still, just harsh waves crashing into one another, tidal waves of sickness and swirls of nausea taking over. The sounds of music coming from the living room was loud enough to hear ten houses down but to Ichigo, it seemed to fade and the thumping bass became nothing but a dull, steady sound. Everything felt like it was slowing down. But his heart felt like it was about to explode out his chest it was beating so fast, his head throbbed as if it were trying to burst out of his skull and his blood rushed through his veins so fast that made his skin hot. He felt like his lungs were closing on him, he could barely breathe. His eyes were screwed shut, all he could see was nothing but black, but even that was spinning. Endlessly spinning like staring into a sink of draining water. Spinning, swirling, and endlessly, almost tipping over the edge, almost falling.
"Ichigo!" Renji called, walking into the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. He quickly made his way over to his friends' side and knelt next to him, looking at him with worry filled eyes.
"I couldn't stop myself…" Ichigo forced to say, his voice just as shaky as his body. "I just can't stop."
Renji placed a hand on Ichigo's back and rubbed it gently in effort to somehow sooth the other. "Yes you can. You were doing great and it's only been a few day's. Why stop now?"
"You don't understand…" Ichigo answered through gritted teeth, his eyes still tightly shut and his head almost halfway in the toilet. The pain in his stomach was growing. "I needed it…"
"And you took too damn much of it! Ichigo you could kill yourself!"
"I don't care!" he yelled. "I'd rather die anyway!"
Renji pulled Ichigo by his shoulder so the other could face him. "And then what? Leave everything behind? What about the people who care for you?"
Ichigo turned his head away from his friend, not wanting to see those saddened red eyes of his. He already felt guilty enough. "I have nothing to live for, Renji. You know that."
"What about Grimmjow?"
Ichigo shook his head, and felt the familiar stinging in his eyes. What about Grimmjow? He never cared for him anyway. "Not even he's worth living for…"
I am sittin on the clouds
I got smoke coming from my seat
I can play basketball with the moon
I got the whole world at my feet
Playin touch football on Marijuana Street
Or in a marijuana field
You are so beneath my cleats
Get high, so high that I feel like lying
Down in a cigar
Roll me up and smoke me cause
I feel like dying
Ichigo didn't remember when the addiction started. He remembered how and why. For it to be simply put, his father was a drug dealer. And because he had lost some merchandise, his whole family was murdered by the gang he worked under. His family, which included his mother, 3 year old twin sisters, and his pregnant girlfriend, were all shot to death. His father was taken that day and the following morning found dead in a garbage bag in front of his house.
Why wasn't Ichigo killed? Because he was messing around behind his girlfriends back with another girl. He lied. He said he was going over Renji's house to burn some CD's. Instead, he was somewhere else, having sex with another woman. He got a call from Uryū, his next door neighbor and classmate. That's how it started. When he came home to nothing but cops and saw body bags being carried away behind yellow tape that surrounded his home.
He cried. He wept. His whole world had fallen apart.
The pain was too great for him too handle. That's when he was convinced to buy it. That's when nothing else could take that pain away. His escape was the one thing his father had died for.
Only once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying
Only once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying
17 wasn't an age to start such a deadly habit. But Ichigo simply didn't have anything left in him to care anymore. It wasn't so bad at first. He was just enjoying a smoke of pot once a day with a bunch of other kids his age who simply hated their father or mother because they didn't have any freedom or they were influenced by others. There were times he was invited to parties where marijuana and other drugs of the like were sold there. And of course females that were looking for cute guys to have fun with.
At one particular such party, Ichigo had more than enough joints that could last him probably a week. He was so high he felt like nothing could go wrong. So high, he couldn't defend himself against a man who lusted for younger boys.
That's why he took that Ephedrine, that Valium, that Ritalin, the Absinthe, the Ketamine... the list could go on. He done well took them all. But without them, he'd be nothing. He might as well wither away and die.
Swimming laps around a bottle of Louis the 13th
Jumping off a mountain into a sea of Codeine
I am at the top of the top but still I climb
And if I should ever fall, the ground will then turn into wine
Pop, pop, I feel like flying, then I feel like frying, then I feel like dying
He lost his best friend. It was shoot out at the corner of their street. They had just come out the store after buying some wild cherry Day's Soda. It happened without notice. They were in the way. They were both hit. And she had died. He remembered every detail as if it happened a minute ago. The very memory haunted him everyday. Every memory haunted him, every memory hurt. And each memory, each loss, each problem, needed its own solution.
Renji wanted him to stop. Renji begged Ichigo to stop. But each time he asked, it would only intensify his drug use and increase his intake of alcohol. Ichigo was at that breaking point. He was at the point that without those drugs, without that marijuana, the heroin, the cocaine, that amphetamine... he'd felt like he could die.
Only once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying
Only once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying
Grimmjow Jackerjack was a well known gang banger. He was someone to be feared. At a club that his boss attended frequently, he met Ichigo. You could call it love at first sight but it was way below love. More like, "lust at first sight." Things went down, Ichigo went home with Grimmjow one night and almost instantly they were attached.
But love isn't always innocent. Ichigo knew first hand what men were capable of. They're nothing but liars… cheaters. They never care about you. They get what they want and that's it. But Grimmjow was worse. He was greedy. He didn't let Ichigo go. To Grimmjow, Ichigo was nothing more than a trophy and a whore.
But Ichigo didn't care. The crack and "happy pills" his boyfriend supplied him for free was more than enough to keep him quiet. Along with the Vodka, pot and sex.
That always made everything okay. He didn't feel so dead.
I can mingle with the stars and throw a party on Mars
I am a prisoner locked up behind Xanax bars
I have just boarded a plane without a pilot
And Violets are blue,
Roses are red,
Daises are yellow,
The flowers are dead
Wish I can give you this feeling that I feel like buying
And if my dealer don't have no more, then I feel like dying
Ichigo began to sob. He felt hopeless. He felt worthless.
He held a firm grip on Renji's shirt as he cried on it, something he did from time to time when he couldn't handle the world. Renji would say nothing as he held the now 18 year old boy in his arms. How much has changed over the course of one year. By this time, he would've still been in school. In three months he would've graduated and start the collage life to become a doctor. He would've had a baby girl named after his best friend Rukia who would've been the Godmother of his child. He would have a job and pay child support because he damn well knew he could never live with Orihime. And his friend Renji would've probably been more than just a friend. Everything would've been different if he wasn't such a fuck up.
"I want to go home now…" Ichigo finally said once he calmed himself.
"You alright now?" Renji asked when Ichigo pulled out of the comforting embrace. He nodded in answer while rubbing away the tears with the inside of his shirt.
"Can I stay at your place tonight? I don't think I can face Grimmjow…" Ichigo said then thanked Renji when he was passed a wet paper towel to wipe his face.
"Of course. I'll make you something to eat too," the red head said with a soft smile.
Both guys made their way down stairs. The thick layer of smoke from those smoking cheep cherry weed almost made Renji's eyes water but once Ichigo took a whiff, his stomach churned with need. He needed at least one puff... No. He couldn't. He had to leave now. The two pushed their way through the heavy crowd of people who were so high their dancing was beginning to look almost sluggish, their faces blank as if lost in another world. Ichigo had to ask himself, did he look like that? He passed by the giggling girls who passed a joint along. He passed by a young boy his age sitting at the dinning room table injecting himself before passing along the needle. He saw others popping pills. He saw...
"Ichigo!"
His head turned to Renji who handed him his coat, eyeing him worriedly. "You alright?"
Ichigo let out a shaky breath and nodded. "Yeah... let's go."
As they made their way to the front door, Ichigo's arm was suddenly grabbed then pulled back forcefully. Ichigo's brown eyes met with angry blue and he felt that familiar fear churning in his stomach.
"Where are you going?" Grimmjow asked, his facial expression firm.
"I don't feel good... so I'm leaving with Renji. I'm staying with him tonight," Ichigo replied calmly. He never showed the other his feelings. At least not in front of watchful eyes.
"You're not going anywhere. You don't feel good then sit on the couch and wait 'till I'm done."
Ichigo shook head. "No. I'm leaving, now. I'll go home in the morning."
Grimmjow grabbed his arm again and jerked Ichigo closer to him. The gesture was full of anger and Ichigo visibly winced. "You're not going anywhere. Don't make me tell you again."
"I don't want to be here." Ichigo looked Grimmjow in the eyes. He had to leave. If he stood he might just have to...
"Do what you want," the teal haired male said as he forcefully let go of his boyfriends arm. "But don't come to me later and expect me to give you these."
Ichigo's eyes widened when he saw 'those' being dangled in front of his face. The small bag filled with the white powder he enjoyed sniffing so much. The things that would give him a wild and satisfying rush when he felt like his world was about to collapse. It was his getaway from life. Grimmjow knew the younger boy hadn't had any in a while. He knew he wasn't over his addiction. He knew Ichigo wasn't strong enough to resist.
"Ichigo..." Renji called to him and placed a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. "You don't need it. Come on. Let's just go."
Grimmjow smirked knowingly. "He does need it. Look at him. He's like a starving dog without it."
"I... don't..." Ichigo turned away and shook his head. "I dont." He repeated, more to himself. He didn't need it, right? He lasted a few days without it, whats one more day? What's another day without it...?
"I don't need it..." he kept repeating to himself but his eyes were now glued to the bag that was in front of his face again. "I don't need it..." His eyes watched the bag of coke being placed in his open palm. It was as if he were lost in a trance. He couldn't let go of it. "I don't..."
"Now be a good boy and wait for me..." Grimmjow teased, smirking evilly. He carressed Ichigo's cheek when the boy looked up at him with confused eyes then claimed his lips. Renji looked away in discomfort, sighing in defeat. Ichigo clenched his eyes shut wishing he was never handed that bag and asking himself why was he so weak. The teal haired man pulled away and ran his fingers through Ichigo's hair lovingly. "I love you."
Ichigo felt his eyes stinging with tears again and he looked away, stuttering in reply, "I-I... love you too."
Grimmjow's smirk returned to his face, feeling quiet happy with himself before walking away and disappearing into the crowd. Ichigo turned and looked at Renji with sad eyes.
"So you're staying…" Renji sighed, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah… guess I am."
"Why do you keep letting it get to you, Ichigo?" Renji suddenly asked. "You don't need all... this," Renji gestured to the whole area around him. "You didn't have to take it from him."
"You don't understand..." Ichigo defense came. It was always the same excuse. Always.
"Fine, whatever. I'll call you later or something," Renji said lastly, frustrated with Ichigo and with himself for giving up, before leaving the house.
Only then did Ichigo open his hand where the tiniest green plastic bag rested in his palm.
Only once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying
Only once the drugs are done
That I feel like dying, I feel like dying
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Endnotes: After reading a song fic by Fierygirl0 I was going through some music and got inspired by Lil Wayne's song, "I Feel like Dying" because even though it's hip-hop (which I like to listen to) it's a very deep song. For some reason I thought of Ichigo and the lives I'm apart of. I might continue it if I get pushed hard enough. I'm sorry if it sucked...