First of all, I really want to apologise to all readers of "The Iceman Cometh". I know I've really been neglecting that story, but my brain simply refuses to cooperate with me - even this piece was written as a last bid attempt to ward off writer's block. It didn't work, obviously - I came up with a nine-page long, totally unrelated story and zero progress on "The Iceman Cometh". XD But I won't be giving up on it just yet... I hope. :S Do bear with me, please?
Now, about this story. It's been quite an experience writing this, and I must say this has got to be the longest thing I've ever written so far. :) But if you're familiar with the humour-with-a-dash-of-quirkiness style used in my other fics, be forewarned that this fic is nothing like it. It's different, for some weird reason... (And just a side note: This oneshot is totally unrelated to any of my other fics, okay? Actually, none of my fics are related to each other... T.T)
Anyways, I hope you'll still enjoy reading it!
Cherry Blossom
The first time you see him, you are hiding away from your parents, not wanting to be caught in the crossfire of hurtful words that has become the staple in your family. You'd run to the usual place you always seek refuge in everytime something like this happens, and Tezuka nii-san would let you sit beside him while sipping a hot drink. But today – today is different. Today there is someone else, someone who's sitting in your place. You burst out in pure anger and indignation – he stole my place! - but the sudden glint of chestnut hair makes you stop, and stare instead.
Tezuka nii-san glances up, and the brunette stranger looks up too, and you think you finally understand what love at first sight means.
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You learn that his name is Fuji, Fuji Syuusuke, and he is Tezuka nii-san's friend. He's here today for a Science project with Tezuka nii-san, and you think that he has the prettiest smile you have ever seen. You tell him that, and he graces you with that smile again, this time sprinkled liberally with amusement. And then you notice that you can't see his eyes – why do you close them all the time? – and he answers – because eyes are the window to a person's soul.
You don't understand, at that time, but you nod anyway, and perhaps he knows you don't understand, because he ruffles your hair and stands up, telling Tezuka nii-san that they've finished the project, and he has to be home soon or Yumiko nee-san will be worried. You frown slightly – why do you have to go so soon? He smiles, and tells you he will come back again to see the cute little girl who has managed to worm her way into Tezuka's heart. Tezuka nii-san frowns slightly, and you giggle, and he leaves.
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One week later, you tell him that you like him – a lot – and he laughs, and tells you that he likes you too, and ruffles your hair once more. You get a little snappish, because he doesn't understand you, you like him, and you tell him that again. He tilts his head thoughtfully, and asks you an unexpected question.
"Do you know what love is?"
You reply that you hadn't said anything about love, you just like him. He chuckles, but there is a slight crease in between his eyes, and he doesn't answer you. You simply let it go, and concentrate on finishing your glass of milk instead.
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One year later, you've grown up slightly more, and even though you still go to Tezuka nii-san's house (Tezuka nii-san, after all, will always be Tezuka nii-san), you don't drink milk anymore – you drink tea, because grown-ups drink tea. One day, when Fuji-kun (your brain refuses to call him nii-san, even though you know he's the same age as Tezuka nii-san) visits Tezuka, you show him your tea proudly, and he laughs at you, but you're happy all the same, because you made him laugh. And you tell him – I like you – again, and you wonder slightly if he will react the same way he did, one year ago. But what he says this time is –
"Let's wait for you to grow up a bit more first, ne?"
You stick out your tongue at him, because you think you've grown up more than enough already – but he simply brushes your protests aside, laughing them away. And you wait - again.
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It's their senior year, and you suddenly realise that you might not see Fuji-kun again next year, or the year after that. The next time he visits Tezuka, he spots you with a worried look on your face, and laughingly asks you what's wrong. This time you don't immediately tell him, and when you do, your tongue seems determined to trip over the words.
"I - I love you."
He is slightly taken aback by your choice of words, you can sense it, and to tell the truth, you are too.
His voice, when he answers, is soft, and almost gentle. "Do you understand what love is?"
You think of his merry laughter, eyes blue as forget-me-nots, the way the room seems to light up when he enters it, the times he comforts you when Tezuka nii-san doesn't understand that you need a hug, not mere words - and you say -
Yes.
He looks at you, as if a little unsure of how to respond - and he walks instead to the window, a faraway look in his eyes. Tezuka nii-san chooses this time to come in, and any chance of you getting an answer quickly dissipates. You do notice, however, that as you pretend to be absorbed in your tea, Fuji-kun leans over and holds a whispered discussion with Tezuka nii-san. They leave the room soon after, and when they return, it has been a good fifteen minutes of you alternately staring at your tea, the door and the blue, blue sky outside the window.
"I'll just be going, then." Fuji-kun smiles, and leaves you alone with Tezuka nii-san, who is looking at you very seriously from behind his glasses.
"Kinara-chan," Tezuka nii-san says, and you look up.
"Yes?"
"We need to talk."
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You'll never forget that talk you had with Tezuka nii-san that afternoon - he asks all sorts of questions you never bothered to consider - what will your parents say? - don't you think you're too young for this? - do you know how to love someone that way? - are you ready for love? - and the only answer you can really give is - I love Fuji-kun. You see Tezuka nii-san sigh and frown, and you wish you didn't need to put him through this - but you can't help it, because you love Fuji-kun, and the only way he'll ever see you as something other than "the cute little girl who's always at Tezuka's house" is if Tezuka nii-san's on your side.
And besides, my parents don't care.
Tezuka nii-san looks at you sharply, but you stare defiantly back at him.
"You have to respect your parents, Kinara-chan." He states firmly.
But they don't care, you insist stubbornly. They only come home late at night to fight with each other. You know that Tezuka nii-san knows this - the reason why you're almost always at his house. Even Tezuka nii-san's mother - father - grandfather - welcome you, because they can hear the dishes breaking, night after night - and they understand why you flinch whenever voices are raised. You can't remember when exactly you started thinking of their family as your family - you just did it as naturally as breathing.
Tezuka nii-san's frown deepens. "Are you sure about this?"
You smile teasingly, trying to lighten up the conversation. "Isn't he your friend, Tezuka nii-san? You should be glad I'm not falling in love with some disreputable boy in school instead."
He gives you a look, and the discussion stops there. But you notice that the small crease in his brow continues to be there, for at least another week or so.
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The next time Fuji-kun comes to Tezuka's house, it's been almost one month, and you were starting to lose all hope of ever seeing him again - but you greet him with a simple smile that says nothing of the wave of relief and happiness that crashes upon you when you see him sitting on the sofa as if he's always been there. He exchanges a glance with Tezuka nii-san, but says nothing, settling instead for his usual smile.
"I'm going to Seigaku next year." You announce proudly, and Tezuka nii-san smiles fondly at you for a split second before his face resumes its usual expression. Fuji-kun smiles as well, and you find yourself beaming back in response.
"Which high school are you going to?" You ask the smiling brunette, expecting to hear the same answer that fell from Tezuka nii-san's lips just a few hours ago. There are only a few prestigious schools in Tokyo which can properly groom students of their calibre, after all.
But it never comes. Instead, the smile is wiped from his face, and your heart starts to thump an erratic rhythm. Say it, you urge, aren't you going to the same school as Tezuka nii-san? Why don't you say it?
"I'm moving to France."
And with those four simple words, the world comes crashing down around you.
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It's been a full month since he's left, and a full month of you crying yourself to sleep every night. You know Tezuka nii-san is worried about you, and you're sorry that you've made him worry, but you just can't stop - Fuji nii-san (you've finally given up, and called him nii-san instead) isn't in Japan anymore, and you'll never see him again - until one day Tezuka nii-san sits you down and tells you - It's over. Let it go.
You reflect bitterly that it had never began to start with - now that you're older you can see that Fuji nii-san never saw you that way, it was just you, stupid, blind you who was chasing after something that was never there - and you feel the tears welling again. But this time, you don't fight them. You let them fall.
It's over. Let it go.
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You're a senior at Seigaku now, an average student with average grades. You're not brilliant, like Tezuka nii-san (who's going to enter Tokyo Kyodai), but you're happy the way you are. Tezuka nii-san thinks you could do better, but you tell him - I'm happy now - and he leaves you alone.
It's homeroom, and your class teacher's supposed to be taking attendance, but a rumour's going around that she's on leave - what does it matter? - and you ignore the random snippets of conversation that float into your ears, concentrating instead on the blue, blue sky outside the window.
"Class," You glance disinterestedly to the front of the class, where a mousy-looking assistant teacher is standing. "Kyoko-sensei is on maternity leave - " you wonder slightly that you hadn't been paying enough attention to notice her ever-growing belly, "and as of today, you will be assigned a new substitute teacher. He'll come in shortly." The speaker scurries off, leaving you to wonder idly what the new teacher will be like - pretty? handsome? - it's a he, you remember, cancelling out pretty - kind? fierce? - when a soft, yet clear voice startles you out of your thoughts.
"Hello, class. I'll be your new teacher for the next three months."
And you look up, and find yourself staring in horror at the smiling countenance of the one and only Fuji Syuusuke.
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You think that this day has to be the worst day you've ever had at school. Each minute is spent wondering whether he'll notice you, whether he'll remember you, what do you do if he does?!, and an overwhelming sense of disbelief - is it really him?
When he reaches your name during roll call, you flinch slightly and hope fervently he doesn't remember you. But he goes over your name like any other's, and you feel hugely relieved, yet oddly disappointed - which you don't quite understand. It's been more than three years, after all, and you tell yourself firmly that you're over him. And why is he here, in the first place?, your mind screams at you, shouldn't he be in Paris?
I don't know, you reply helplessly.
You're so caught up in your thoughts that you don't notice him instructing the class to take out their textbooks - in fact, you don't notice anything for the next three periods at all, and your teachers shake their heads at you. Utterly hopeless, you hear them say, but you don't care - how can you, when your thoughts are everywhere? You don't even know what to think anymore -
The bell rings, and you absently watch your classmates rushing out for lunch break. Already there are rumours of the superbly eligible and handsome new teacher spreading like wildfire around the school - your lips curve into a derisive smile. But you shut these things away, out of your mind, and focus instead on a solitary sakura bloom that's falling from the branch to join countless others - now part of a white sakura carpet on the ground.
The sudden scrape of the chair next to yours makes you start, and you turn around to find Fuji - sensei, you remind yourself - smiling at you.
"Aren't you going to eat?"
You stare at him, your brain refusing to cooperate. He chuckles, and you find yourself suddenly reminscing about all the times when you'd ask him a question, and he'd reply with another - leaving you as dumbfounded as you are now - but now is different, now you're not simply the cute little girl at Tezuka's house anymore, now you're a student, his student, and he's your teacher. You settle for shaking your head mutely, and resume staring out the window.
He remembers.
Out of the corner of your eye, you can see him smile slightly, as if he expected you to act this way, and it infuriates you for some inexplicable reason. But Tezuka nii-san has taught you to always, always show respect to your elders, and you don't think that he would make an exception for Fuji-sensei. You sigh, and turn your thoughts back to the window again.
Fuji-sensei. It sounds so unfitting, so unpractised, even just saying it in your mind. You want to turn around and tell him, Fuji-kun sounds so much better, but you stop yourself. You're slightly surprised he hasn't said anything yet, but he seems to be basking in the silence, simply content to just sit there. Although you would rather he take his meditation phase somewhere else, preferably far, far away from you.
You tell him as much, and he laughs at you.
"Didn't someone ever tell you you don't always get your own way in life?" And he offers you his bento.
You make a face at him, and as you lean over to take the proffered sushi, both of you know that you've just lost the battle to call your heart your own all over again.
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The next few months pass in a blissful, jumbled swirl of happiness - at times, you can almost allow yourself to believe that maybe, just maybe, he sees you as something more. You laugh at your own silliness, but deep inside your heart, a faint hope blooms at each smile he throws your way, each laugh directed at your jokes - and before you know it, you're as much in love as before he left for Paris.
Paris.
You don't know what he did there, or what he's doing back here, and you find that you don't really want to know. You're afraid of what you'll find, if you ask him, you're afraid of the truth - does he have a girlfriend there? Here? Is that why he came back? You're content with the way things are now - even if you know, deep down, that things won't stay this way forever.
You pause at the entrance to the staffroom, having been asked by a passing teacher to help carry her bags there - and your ears catch a familiar voice talking. You strain your ears to hear the faint, but clear words. You know eavesdropping is wrong, but you'd heard your name for a moment there, and wild horses couldn't have dragged you away from the door.
" - your relative?"
The familiar chuckle comes, and you can almost picture him laughing in amusement.
"Kinara-chan? No, she's just my friend's baby sister," He laughs again.
The sudden crash of books and bags startles you, and you look down in shock to find your burden emptied onto the floor. Before you can react, the drone of voices in the staffroom suddenly subsides.
"Who's that?"
"What happened?"
"Is someone injured?"
You curse inwardly, hoping they won't come out - no, please, no - as you scramble to pick up everything - you're barely aware of the tears that come splashing down your cheek - not now, not now - you don't have the time to deal with this now - and suddenly Fuji is standing in front of you, asking worriedly whether you're alright.
You ignore him, and rush into the staffroom long enough to dump the bags on the teacher's table, and you run.
He calls after you, but you ignore him, and you run.
Silly girl, you scold yourself, thinking that you ever had a chance with him. You're angry at him, for calling you Tezuka's baby sister (you're not even related to Tezuka nii-san), for being incapable of thinking of you any other way, but you're angrier at yourself - angry that you let yourself be hurt again, that you deluded yourself once again - you're angry, angry - and you end up sobbing your heart out, crumpled in a heap on the ground.
And you suddenly realise why Tezuka nii-san despises falling in love - it hurts, and it makes you nothing less than a fool.
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When you get home several hours after school ends, you don't even bother going over to Tezuka nii-san's house as usual. But as you're contemplating the foolishness of love, a series of sharp knocks echo in the house. You sigh wearily. There's no one else to open the door, since your parents aren't here - as usual - and you definitely aren't in the mood to entertain guests. But the knocking persists, and with another sigh you get up to answer the doorbell.
The forbidding profile of Tezuka nii-san appears on your doorstep, but his face softens slightly when he sees your tear-streaked face, and he guides you to the sofa.
"Fuji told me everything."
You bite your lip, wondering how much he knows, how much Fuji knows.
He looks at you, and shakes his head. "Running away doesn't help things, you know."
You look down at the floor in defeat. "I know."
"What actually happened?" His voice is curiously gentle.
You tell him the whole story, starting from the day you find out that Fuji is your new class teacher, until today. It takes a surprisingly short time, and you feel even worse when you realise that you've been reading too much into every move, every action - again, and you've made a fool out of yourself, and it's all your fault - and as you cry for the second time that day, this time in the warm comfort of Tezuka nii-san's arms, you can't help but think how much Tezuka nii-san is like the older brother you never had.
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You refuse to go to school the next day, even when Tezuka nii-san offers to take you there. Just one day, you tell him, just one day. He sighs, and makes you promise not to run away or to do anything stupid (Tezuka nii-san, eminently practical and never one to waste his words), and he sets off to tend to his own stellar education.
The whole day you do nothing but sit there and stare stupidly out of the window - trying to work things out in your head only gives you a pounding headache - so you push everything to a small corner of your mind, and sit instead, contemplating the little pink and white flowers amidst the green, green grass outside the window.
A hand comes to rest on your shoulder, and you suddenly jump up - you had, it seems, nodded off in front of the window - and you turn to face the owner of the hand.
"Te - Fuji?"
In your surprise, you forget to attach any sort of honorifics to his name, but he doesn't seem to notice.
"Kinara-chan."
And then yesterday comes rushing back to you, and you flush horribly. But Tezuka nii-san's words, and your pride stop you from running again.
"What is it?" Your voice comes out harshly, even rude, but you don't care.
His smile - that ever-present, insufferable smile - drops slightly, and you feel a wicked sense of satisfaction from that small action. But it is up again, within the blink of an eye, and he asks, "Why didn't you come to school today?"
That he even has the nerve to ask such a question - a sudden upsurge of indignation rises inside of you, but you hold it back.
"I don't know." You reply instead, stubbornly refusing to look at him - after all, wasn't he the one who said eyes are the window to a person's soul? - and look past him instead, to the greyish sky outside the window.
"Kinara-chan," He begins.
You set your lips in a stiff straight line, hoping that he'll take the hint and go away, instead of asking questions which answer you have no intention of giving.
But he has never been one to back down from what he starts. "Kinara-chan, what do you want me to say? I'm sorry? I love you?"
Your heart clenches at that last phrase, and you reply silently in your mind - yes. - But outwardly you merely retain your stance, ignoring him completely.
"What would I accomplish by saying what I don't mean?" He asks, and you wish he hadn't said that, because it means you can't pretend anymore, can't hope yourself silly anymore, can't even lie to yourself anymore, if you wanted to.
Your pride and dignity is all that keeps you from breaking into pieces at his feet - you cross your arms instead, and adopt a defensive stance.
He sighs, and for a moment you wonder if he's given up, but then he spins you to look straight at him, and you stare into the endless sea of blue that are his eyes. And what you see in there makes you catch your breath, because his eyes are just that - endless. They suck you in, into a deep abyss where you're surrounded by blue, sapphire blue, and you see the emotions swirling around, and in that instant, you understand more than you've ever understood in your entire life - and he shuts his eyes with a bittersweet smile.
"What happened in Paris?" Your heart is in your mouth, but you persist. "Why did you come back?"
"Tezuka wrote me..." He begins, and you slowly learn the reason he came back.
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"When he wrote again, a few months later, he told me there was no reason to worry, and you were over me already." He laughs. "I felt relieved, because - " He shrugs. " - you were so young, and you had no business to talk about love at that age, really."
You stick out your tongue at him, and he laughs again - some things never change.
"But it made me feel," He hesitates, "a little lonely, a little less loved. I guess that was really selfish of me, but I did wish, at that time, that perhaps you needn't have gotten over me quite as fast as you did..."
You can't help but laugh at that, because the sentiment is so very ridiculous.
He smiles at you, and continues. "I studied art in Paris, and for a time I was genuinely happy there. But then Yumiko nee-san called and told me that my mother was ill - and she told me - hurry home, Syuusuke, hurry! Turns out she had a ruptured appendix." He laughs again, but there is a slightly bitter tang in his laugh this time. "Do you know, Kinara-chan, that one small, inflamed appendix, which could have been so easily removed if the doctors had diagnosed it on time, can kill a person?"
So that is why there is so much sorrow in those eyes...
"And?" You press.
"I experienced the pain of losing a loved one that day." His eyes turn brooding, and it is his turn to stare out of the window. "It taught me a lot of things - " He stops, momentarily lost in his own world, before he shakes himself and resumes his story.
"Anyway, since I was in Tokyo already, Yumiko nee-san insisted on me staying awhile longer. And when I heard Seigaku was short of teachers, I thought I would help out, since I obviously wasn't going anywhere for a while. I honestly didn't expect to see you there, much less in my class." He looks at you, and you gulp slightly, remembering the type of welcome you'd given him.
"If I had known," You start, but he cuts you off with a sharp, short bark of laughter, so unlike him that you flinch involuntarily.
"You'd have felt sorry for me?"
Now that you stop to think about it, you would have - but you still wouldn't have forgiven him for going to France when there were so many nice, inspired art schools here.
He laughs at your expression, and you both settle into a comfortable silence.
"But what does any of this have to do with - " You stop, trying to find a suitable word. " - yesterday?"
"You tell me," He retorts. "You were the one who asked, after all."
"...I was?"
He laughs, but his mood becomes sombre. "What I meant to tell you - what I actually wanted to tell you was that - well - " He stops.
"Well?" You prompt.
"Perhaps," He hesitates, as if reluctant to say the next words. "Perhaps you shouldn't chase love, in life - it will come in due time..."
You raise your eyebrows. "Are you trying to tell me not to like you?" You ask, as nonchalantly as possible, though your feelings are far from that.
He laughs. "No, not really. But life is short - I want you to understand. Don't live your life waiting for someone who might never feel the same way towards you, Kinara."
You try your best to keep the stoic front on, but inside, you just want to break down again. That's all he wanted to say - that's it - it's over, really over. You struggle to keep from being sucked into the maelstrom of emotions inside you - your pride is all that's keeping you from breaking - keep your head high - don't - don't cry - you mustn't cry - not in front of him -
A hand lands on your shoulder, and you involuntarily look up.
"I do care, Kinara-chan - I really do." His voice is gentle, but sorrowful. "I do love you - just not in the way you want me to."
Your heart breaks into a million pieces - like so many glass shards, and you almost miss the whispered, "I'm sorry... so sorry..." And perhaps you wish that you hadn't heard, because it makes it impossible to hate him, impossible to blame him - and all you're left with is your own broken heart. The first tear falls, and you don't have the strength to stop it anymore - you don't even care enough to stop it anymore - you can't think - can't even feel anything except that numbing pain - when the same voice that rejected you moments ago speaks again.
"I always try my best to protect those I care for from getting hurt."
You look up in slight surprise (is he still here?) - although the fact that you can actually feel any surprise through the all-consuming pain is a surprise in itself - and nod your head. Tezuka nii-san had once told you the exact same thing about Fuji - you vaguely recall him describing Fuji's wrath as unquenchable and almost - frighteningly terrible? You had thought then that it was rather unusual of Tezuka nii-san to use two adjectives in a row to describe something, and concluded that it must really have been something huge to make Tezuka nii-san tell you that.
Without any warning, he opens his eyes and stares straight at you, and you're shocked to see the completely unexpected, unspeakable anguish in those blue orbs.
"But what do I do when I'm the one who's hurting them?"
For that, you have no answer.
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So how was it? I'm guessing a great many people won't find it as much to their taste as "The Iceman Cometh" and "Tensai, Tensai, Tell Me Why", which was part of the reason I was so reluctant to post it up here in the first place. But don't hesitate to tell me what you think, 'kay? Reviews help improve an author's work (and feed a writer's ego, but that's besides the point :P) Do review, ne? And a very early Merry Christmas to everyone out there! (In case my update doesn't make it in time for Christmas... :S)
::stophoggingtheblanket::