There are so many people that pass through your life as the years go by. Some of them you hardly remember, others you might recall one day with a fond smile and then there are those you can never forget. Those people who change everything until you are no longer the person you once were. There are people who touch your life and there are people who take it. There are people who leave a gentle fingerprint on your heart and others who leave a scar so deep that it will never beat to the same rhythm ever again.

When John Paul McQueen was ten years old he made a friend and he genuinely believed that friendship would last a lifetime. The two boys had been inseparable and both families had often joked that they were more like brothers than friends. Shortly before John Paul's twelfth birthday Patrick's family moved away and the two boys never met again. With the resilience of childhood John Paul soon found a new best friend and Patrick became a distant memory, someone he might think of once in a while and wonder where that boy might be now but another distraction would soon drive the thoughts from his mind. Quite simply John Paul moved on.

When John Paul McQueen was seventeen years old he met a young man who would change everything and there would never be any way of going back. The unlikely duo had been drawn to each other as they began their final year at school, although in truth it was Craig's second attempt at his final year, the first try not going quite as well as he had hoped, and a friendship grew that neither of them had anticipated.

Their lives seemed to spark off each other and as the weeks and months passed by they both knew that they had found a friendship the likes of which neither had ever experienced before. They both knew that their lives were richer since finding each other. And, as the summer drew to a close and Craig prepared to leave for University in Dublin, John Paul feared that the greatest friendship of his life was going to be lost.

There are people who breeze through your life and barely leave a mark and there are people who grab a hold of your life until you can't imagine it without them. There are people who hit your life with such force and power that you have to question who you really are. There are people who carve their names deep into your heart, so deep that the cuts never heal, so deep that with each beat your heart bleeds out that name until it means more to you than your own.

As John Paul McQueen sat at a table in the Dog in the Pond he knew that he was looking at such a person. He knew that his best friend stood at the bar getting drinks meant so much more to him than a best friend. He knew that with each beat his heart was screaming out for Craig to hear it. But what John Paul knew most of all was that the next day Craig was leaving for Dublin. Craig and his girlfriend were starting a new life in a new country and that life didn't include John Paul.

John Paul knew that with every beat of his heart it was breaking a little bit more and, as Craig returned to the table with the drinks, John Paul knew that he was facing his last ever chance to tell Craig all the things he had ever wanted to say.

"Cheers." Craig raised his bottle in the air and clinked it against John Paul's.

"So what are we drinking to?" John Paul asked as he poured some of the cold lager into his mouth.

"I dunno, the future?"

The future? Without Craig in it John Paul didn't see the future as being something to toast, but he couldn't exactly tell Craig that, so instead he smiled and raised his bottle once more.

"To the future!"

Clinking the bottles together again Craig observed his friend with interest. How was it that in the space of twelve months that blue-eyed boy had gone from being the "weird McQueen" to the best friend Craig had ever known, the person he was going to miss most of all, more even than his family.

"You sure Sarah doesn't mind you spending your last night in Hollyoaks with me?" John Paul asked breaking into Craig's thoughts.

"Nah," Craig assured him, "I think she's gone to the loft with Hannah and Nancy anyway… the last thing I need is all that girly stuff and the weeping about how much they're gonna miss each other!"

"Yeah right," John Paul laughed. Craig had no idea how close John Paul felt to his own display of "girly stuff" as he thought of Craig being so far away.

"Shame things didn't work out with you and Hannah, thought you were set there for a while!"

John Paul tried not to flinch at Craig's words, he still felt bad about how he had treated Hannah and he always would but in the end he couldn't keep lying to her, pretending he felt things he didn't and so he'd ended it and in doing so he'd broken her heart.

"Oh you know how it is!" John Paul said casually.

"Not really… you never said what happened… I mean thinks looked pretty serious for a while and then after her birthday you just up and dumped her? What was that about?"

John Paul stifled a sigh. He remembered Hannah's 18th birthday with startling clarity. He could picture the look of hurt on Craig's face when he saw Sarah with her tongue down Rhys Ashworth's throat and he could remember his own rage that someone could treat his friend so badly.

John Paul had nearly blown his cover that night. He'd nearly told Craig everything. It was all getting too much for him and he frantically tried to tell Craig that he deserved better than Sarah, better than someone who would treat him so poorly. He deserved someone who would love him and only him. But the words had become jumbled in John Paul's throat and Craig hadn't understood what he was saying.

In the end John Paul had blurted out that he hated seeing Craig being treated that way and Craig had hugged his friend close declaring "That's cause we're brothers". John Paul had wept as he realised that being Craig's "brother" was the most he could ever hope for.

"She just wasn't my type," John Paul said pouring more of the sparkling liquid into his mouth, feeling its chill run down his throat and settle coolly into his stomach.

"Yeah I can see why that is," Craig laughed, "I mean she's only smart and funny and sexy and everything… no bloke in his right mind would fancy her eh? Christ John Paul if I didn't know better I'd think you were gay!"

John Paul bit his lip. It was so tempting to reply "that's cause I am," to finally say the words that had been plaguing his life for so long, to finally tell the man he loved who he really was. But instead John Paul kept silent, just like he had been doing for months, like he had been doing for years. Hiding the truth away and at the same time hoping and praying that someone would see through his disguise and let him be himself at last. John Paul had always dreamed that it would be Craig who finally saw the truth in him, but it hadn't worked out that way, and now Craig was leaving and John Paul could feel the hours slipping away, the chances to finally tell the truth falling through his grip second by second.

"I was surprise when you said Sarah was going to Dublin with you," John Paul said desperate to change the subject, "I thought you were looking forward to going on your own… chatting up all those Trinity girls!"

"To be honest… she kind of invited herself," Craig replied with a doleful smile, "And she got so excited when she got the idea I didn't have the heart to refuse."

"Craig, you can't do something like that just to make Sarah happy…"

"Nah, it'll be fine… besides won't do my cred any harm turning up in Dublin with a model on my arm eh?"

Craig grinned widely but John Paul wasn't convinced. Was Sarah really what Craig wanted, or just what he thought he should want? She had put him through so much over the months, cheating on him and hurting him but every time Craig forgave her, every time Craig took her back and every time John Paul wanted to scream out loud that she wasn't Craig's only choice, that there was someone else who would love him the way he deserved.

"Look lads I'm locking up now." Jack's Scottish tone pulled John Paul from his thoughts. Was it really that time already? Was it really time to say goodbye?

"Sorry Jack," Craig said getting to his feet, "Didn't realise how late it was, suppose it's time to go."

"Nah you're alright," Jack said with a kind smile, "I'll leave the clearing up till morning, why don't you lads have another couple of drinks, it's gonna be a long time before you get the chance to do that again… just a couple mind… I don't wanna get up in the morning to find the place empty!"

"Thanks Jack," John Paul said with a smile that could never quite convey his gratitude. Every last minute he got to spend with Craig now was a bonus and every second had to be cherished.

"Pool?" Craig asked as he sauntered over to the pool table.

"Why not," John Paul replied, "But I'll just…" John Paul nodded his head towards the gents. He needed a few minutes alone. He needed to think, to decide what he was going to do, IF he was going to do anything.

The gents had a strange echoey silence of an empty pub as John Paul leant on the cold porcelain of the sink and looked at his reflection.

"So what are you gonna do?" he asked his image silently. The pale blue eyes that looked back at him unblinking said simply, "I have no idea."

John Paul was tired of the lies, of pretending to be someone he wasn't and it made his heart ache to look at the man he loved and not be able to say the words to him but he was also scared. Scared of Craig's reaction, of Craig's rejection, terrified that in declaring his love he could lose his friend.

Splashing cold water over his face John Paul sighed. Try as he might to find the words to make Craig understand they stubbornly refused to come.

How was he supposed to tell his best friend that he was in love with him? That Craig consumed his every waking thought and he longed to touch him, to hold him, to kiss him and to make love to him. How was he supposed to explain that knowing Craig had changed his life, that knowing Craig had made him feel complete and that knowing Craig had taught him what real love felt like? How would he say all that and not risk losing the friendship that he cherished and the man that he needed?

Taking a deep breath John Paul pushed open the door to the toilets and watched for a moment as Craig placed the pool balls in the small plastic triangle on top of the green baize. How could he say all those things to Craig, but then again how could he not?

---

"Here." Craig handed John Paul a small glass of amber liquid as he approached the pool table. Taking a sip of the drink John Paul raised an eyebrow.

"Whiskey?"

"Well Jack said to help ourselves to a couple of drinks."

"I don't think his 20 year old malt was what he had in mind!"

"I'm sure he won't mind… besides who knows when we'll get the chance to do this again… I thought we should make it memorable."

Holding his glass in front of him Craig smiled, the warm generous smile that had always touched John Paul's heart the deepest. "To friends," Craig said touching his glass against John Paul's.

"To best friends," John Paul replied as he poured a measure of the whisky down his throat. The liquid burned and soothed at the same time, setting fire to his throat and seemingly making his heart pound a little faster. But then his increased pulse rate could have been due to the fact that Craig chose that moment to take up his pool cue and lean over the table.

John Paul forcibly tore his eyes from the sight of Craig's body. Forcing himself to look away from the firm thighs and tight buttocks that were snugly clad in denim as the alcohol buzzing through his veins made the need to seek physical contact all the stronger.

---

"Who am I gonna thrash at pool when you're not around eh?" Craig asked with a triumphant flourish as he lay his cue down on the table. It was the third set in a row that he had won and something told him that the result was more due to John Paul letting him win than any real skill on Craig's part.

"I'm sure you'll find someone to taunt," John Paul teased as he placed his cue next to Craig's and drained the last of the whiskey from his glass, his third glass.

"Not like you I won't," Craig replied the laughter fading from his voice as the painful realisation that it could be months before he ever saw John Paul again began to settle in his chest.

"Well of course not," John Paul continued, desperately trying to keep his tone light despite the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes, "One of a kind me!"

"I mean it John Paul… it's not gonna be the same without you… I'm gonna miss ya."

"I'll miss you too," John Paul said quietly, his voice catching as the longing he always felt multiplied and spun through his body like a tornado. "You've got no idea just how much I'm gonna miss you."

"Course I do, it's the same for me mate… part of me wishes I could stay in Hollyoaks and join you at HCC…"

"But you won't…"

"Can't really can I? Not after all the effort it took to get me to Trinity… But I really will miss seeing you everyday… You're the best mate I've ever had John Paul, don't you forget that."

"Best mate," John Paul echoed. Best mate, that was all he was and although that was a wonderful and special thing to be it wasn't enough, it was never going to be enough. Craig's eyes seemed to sparkle brightly under the subdued lighting of the empty pub and John Paul longed to touch his face, just once, to kiss his soft lips one time before it was too late, to say the words that were beating a steady rhythm in his chest while he still had the time. "Craig… I… I want to… I need to say…"

"I know mate," Craig interrupted with a deep smile, "Come 'ere."

Craig pulled his best friend into his arms and hugged him close. "No matter where we are we'll always be mates yeah? Always…"

"I love you Craig." The words seemed to fall from John Paul's lips without any conscious decision being made and before he realised it he had said the one thing he had been hiding for so long.

"Love you too," Craig replied slapping John Paul firmly on the back.

"Do you?"

"Course… we're like brothers… better than brothers…"

John Paul sighed as Craig's hold around him fell away. He instantly missed the warmth of the embrace and longed to ask for it back.

"That's not what I mean Craig," John Paul said in a shaky voice, "I don't love you like a brother…"

"Well OK… maybe not a brother exactly but…"

"No Craig, you're not listening to me… you're not hearing what I'm saying."

John Paul wasn't certain if it was the whiskey flowing through his veins or the all to immanent moment of Craig's departure racing towards him that brought forward a sudden rush of courage but once he started he knew there was no backing down, he had to make Craig see, no matter what the cost.

"What are you on about?" Craig asked with a puzzled frown.

Taking a deep breath John Paul stepped forward, cupping his hands around Craig's face he lifted the man's gaze to meet his own. The rich brown eyes that looked at him so gently made his heart break and as he blinked John Paul felt a few stray tears tumble over his cheeks.

"I love you Craig," John Paul repeated slowly, "I love you… I am IN LOVE with you…"

"I don't understand what you're saying?" Craig gazed uncertainly at the bright blue eyes that glistened with tears. John Paul couldn't possibly be meaning what it sounded like he meant Craig reasoned, it must be the whiskey confusing his brain.

"Yes you do," John Paul said still holding firmly to the beautiful face in his hands, "I love you… I… I want you… I want to be with you and kiss you and make love to you and…"

"Stop it." Craig pushed John Paul's hands from his face as he staggered backwards the force of John Paul's words slamming hard into his chest, "Just stop saying those things…"

"I can't Craig because it's true and if I don't say them now then I never will…"

"So then never say them…because I don't want to hear them…"

Craig's feet felt heavy as he turned from John Paul, his steps slow and laborious as he struggled to shake off the words that were running round and round in his mind.

"I'm sorry Craig," John Paul gasped as the tears began to fall freely, "I'm sorry if this isn't something that you want to hear… that you want to know… but it's true and it's been killing me for months hiding it from you…"

"Months?" Craig turned back to face his weeping friend. John Paul had been feeling this way for months and hadn't said anything. He had been feeling like this all the times they had changed together for football, or tried on their new tuxedos for the dance, he'd been in love with Craig and never said anything. He'd been lying, all this time John Paul had been lying to him. He'd pretended to be Craig's friend and all the time he was…

"You're gay?" The question sounded more like an accusation and John Paul flinched as the words were spat at him.

"Yeah… yeah I am…"

"And all this time you've been… what? Perving over me?"

"No Craig… no it's not like that…"

"I thought you were my friend…"

"I am…"

"No you're not… my friend isn't a queer… my friend isn't… isn't whatever the hell it is that you are…"

"Craig please… I'm still me… still the same John Paul that loves football and pool and…"

"And men!"

"And you…"

"Get the hell out of here…"

"I'm sorry…"

"I don't want to hear it… just get out… get away from me…"

"I am so sorry Craig… I had to tell you… I needed you to know…"

The sound of the door closing seemed so loud and so final. John Paul stood in the cold night air outside the Dog in the Pond and wept. He had known the risk but he had still taken the chance. He had taken the chance and lost, lost everything. Sinking to his knees on the ground John Paul clutched at his chest as he felt the bitterness of Craig's words tear his heart into a thousand shreds leaving his chest empty and hollow.

Craig's breathing was fast and laboured as he leant against the door. He couldn't understand how things could change so quickly and he felt lost and confused by John Paul's words. Reaching his hand to his face he could still feel John Paul's gentle touch, he could still see the love shining in John Paul's eyes, but then hadn't he always been able to see that? Was John Paul's confession really that much of a surprise, was it that much of a shock? Sinking to his knees on the carpet Craig wrapped his arms around his chest as he felt the soft caress of John Paul's words that seemed to make his heart swell in a way that no one else's ever had.