For those of you that don't read femslash, don't worry, this story is far from graphic. Give it a chance, because I think everyone can at least honestly say there is an obvious attraction of sorts between Serena and Blair and I simply wanted to put my spin on things.

Before reading this I want you all to consider that I've never read the books and only watched the first four episodes to date, so if the characters aren't exactly true to form, forgive me. Also I don't have any knowledge of their past together and stuff, so I made it up obviously:)

This takes place during episode 3.

Okay, I don't own it, so don't sue me!

The one constant.

Serena didn't have very many great childhood memories that didn't include Blair. Then again, she didn't have very many bad ones that didn't include her either. In Serena's life Blair had just always been there, regardless of good or bad, probably her only true constant.

She had been there on her seventh birthday when Lilly had finally agreed to let Serena ride a pony. Something Lilly had been greatly adverse to before because , although it was hard to believe today, she was a rather nervous mother when her children were very young. Serena could still remember in great detail how Blair's face had lit up when Serena strolled past atop the white pony. How she had squealed in pure delight and smiled so sweetly at Serena's evident pleasure. She could also remember with almost startling clarity how safe she had felt when they allowed Blair to join her and Blair, as the tallest for probably the last time in their years together, sat behind her and held her close. Blair had smelled of strawberries and cotton candy and her warmth and smell had seeped into Serena's own skin. Despite how things were between them today, Serena could still smell strawberries and still feel Blair's warmth against her back if she tried hard enough.

Blair had also been there when Serena cried for two hours straight when Lilly had casually informed her she would not be home the day of Serena's thirteenth birthday. A business trip she called it, but Serena knew what it was. Lilly had met a young, rich CEO who had invited her to join him at his house in Miami for a few days and she had agreed. That was the first time Serena recognized that she was not her mother's first priority anymore. She had felt replaced and betrayed and instinctively Blair had somehow realized this. When she opened her eyes that Sunday morning, she was greeted with the sight of a smiling Blair. That was the first time they watched Breakfast at Tiffany's together, snuggled up in Serena's white sheets and each other's arms. Somehow Blair had managed to dull the sharp edges of Serena's disappointment and in doing so birthed one of their shared joys; Sunday mornings with Audrey.

Of course, some of the painful memories where there because of Blair. The night Nate kissed Blair for the first time was the night things changed for Serena. Changed painfully. Up until that moment Serena had been happy to share Blair with Nate, had not felt threatened in the least by the dull, unimaginative boy, but that kiss instilled fear in her fourteen year old heart. The fear that she might lose something that had always belonged to her without question or doubt; Blair Waldorf.

It did not occur to her back then to search for the reason behind the fear, to understand why her chest tightened and her breath became painful when Blair described it to her in detail later. In that moment she could only let it wash over her. That was the first night she got so drunk she could barely walk on her own. That was the night she let Chuck Bass get to third base before she puked all over his shoes. That was the night they sat with her on the cold white tiles of the bathroom floor as she expelled the last of the alcohol from her burning stomach. That was the fateful night they became Serena, Blair and Nate. Never after that were they just Serena and Blair again.

Serena hated the memory of that night, hazy as most of it was, because that was where it started going wrong in her mind. That was the first night of many that led from kissing boys she didn't really like to having sex with boys she didn't really like. That led to hangovers and guilt and more fear, because all this did was make Blair hold her longer and harder on a Sunday morning before leaving in the afternoon to go to Nate. Nate who smiled as sweetly at Serena as he did at Blair, who once punched a boy who called her a slut (even though everyone knew it was more or less true) and never really minded too much when she stole Blair away completely every once in a while.

What Serena hated most about that time in her life was all the truths she buried so deep in herself. The truth that at the age of sixteen she finally knew she loved Blair Waldorf with every fiber in her being, that she knew Nate looked at her with more then friendship shining in his eyes and that she was slowly breaking apart. She kept all of that at bay with drinks and nameless bodies and breathless moans.

Then one day the body that should have had no name, had one. She knew what she was doing that day, knew what her actions could lead to, would lead to even. She slept with Nate Archibald uncaring of the consequences, because she needed to know. She needed to know what was so special about Nate that Blair would love him, would plan her whole future around him. What it was he had that blinded Blair to Serena's truth, the one she finally accepted while he touched her body and breathed her name.

The truth that no one loved Blair like Serena did and that no one could love Serena as Blair did.

Then afterwards she felt the fear again. She felt it as she pulled her dress back down and wiped his kisses from her mouth. As she wished she could so easily wipe the shame away, the memory of it all really. She couldn't though, so she did the next best thing. She ran from it. She ran from drinks and bodies and moans. She ran from her own truth. She ran from Blair.

In the end she knew she couldn't out run her own guilt, so she kept it close to her. Wrapped it around her heart and nurtured it. She deserved the guilt, she knew that. That was the only constant in the year she spent away from Blair.

When she stood in front of people that would decide her future, she gripped that guilt fiercely and it gave her courage. She let the memories wash over her again, all of them, the good and the bad before she spoke.

She spoke of forgiveness, of mistakes. She spoke of moving forward and letting the past go, because in that moment, in that new memory, she knew she couldn't keep that guilt in her forever. She needed to let it go, for Eric's sake in that instant, but for her and Blair's in the long run. The guilt that kept her quiet, that kept her from fighting with Blair, was also keeping her from Blair.

So she asked Blair if it was enough, if they were even, if they could just stop, but Blair walked away and Serena let her. Not because the guilt was too much, but because she was just tired of it. Tired of seeing Blair look at her with those hurt eyes, tired of worrying about Eric, tired of fighting with Lilly.

Just for a little while she wanted to be some place quiet and think. So she sat in the rain and read and remembered her seventh birthday, then her thirteenth. Remembered strawberries and ponies, Blair pressed against her back, Audrey on a Sunday morning and innocently tangled sheets.

Then as if her memories had somehow invoked her, there stood Blair.

"Whenever somethings bothering you, I can always find you here."

Serena cleared her throat, swallowing down the memories, both good and bad, as she stood.

"You here for another cat fight?"

She hoped to God Blair wasn't, because even though she was prepared to fight her now, it would still hurt her to do it.

Then she watched, waiting for the insults to start, as Blair pulled a letter from her bag.

"What's that?"

Blair's voice wasn't angry for the first time in what felt like ages to Serena as she replied

"A letter. I wrote it to you when you were away at boarding school. I never sent it."

Serena waited, unsure of what to say in that moment, unsure of what Blair was trying to achieve by it all.

Then her heart broke just a little at a time as Blair read it aloud. The guilt came flooding back and hit her squarely in her chest, the need to cry so overwhelming in that moment as she realized how badly Blair had needed her back then.

"Why didn't you send it, I would have..."

Blair interrupted her then, her voice a mix of hopelessness and subdued anger.

"You would have what?" Her voice hitched and it made Serena's heart clench in pain. "You knew, Serena and you didn't even call."

Serena struggled with her own tears in that moment again, wanting to somehow explain things to Blair, make her see why she ran.

"I didn't know what to say to you or even how to be your friend after what I did. I'm so sorry."

Blair seemed to relent, her eyes softer than Serena expected.

"Eric told me what happened. I guess your families been going through a hard time too."

After a moment a small smile flashed across Blair's face and Serena loved her more in that moment than ever before, because after everything that had happened between them, after the hurt Serena had caused her, Blair was still there for Serena. Still the constant in her life.

She stood there and let the familiarity of it wash over her. The rightness of it. Realizing once again that Blair was hers and she was Blair's. She made a decision in that moment and hoped that one day she would look back at this as a good memory.

With that hope and sense of rightness in her heart, she stepped closer and kissed Blair Waldorf.

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Okay, I hope you liked it, if you didn't tell me why, but please do so constructively. Natasha Beddingfield isn't the only one that bruises easily after all! So if you liked it, maybe I'll do another one more Blair centric, I don't know. Depends on the reviews, so...uhm...review and let me know if it's worth it:)