My Random Rant On Mary Sues:

Or

Mary Sues, a study in mistakes and kinds.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, authors, books or bass players on this page. Including Edward. Can someone tell me who he is please?!?!

I wrote this all in one go, I know it's a list/rant and technically against the rules but it's Christmas and not reporting me can be my pressie. And I'll give you an icy cold lemonade because it's BOILING here.

1. EYES

Don't give your Sue violet, deep emerald, sky blue, azure, sapphire, pale green, almost black or silver eyes. Most of these colours violate the laws of genetics and will not be achievable until the events of Scott Westerfield's Uglies series come to pass.

Example:

She looked up at him with deep green eyes, almost emerald. They glimmered in the light. Artemis found himself falling deeply, madly in love with her-

Which brings me to my next point.

2. FALL ING IN LOVE

This is the sort of correct, more normal formula for relationships:

Boy meets girl, usually at party or school. After spending some time hanging out as friends, one of them will ask the other out. They may continue to date, or they may wish they had stayed friends.

The Sue Formula.

Boy sees girl. Boy falls madly, deeply in love with said Sue. No exceptions. They spend about 8 minutes flirting, then the Sue falls for the boy.

3. NAMA SAYA or WIE HEISST DU?

Incredibly complicated/random names. I don't care if Raiyana means Beautiful Girl. I don't give a damn if Juniala means Meant for Artemis. Who in the world, other than Hollywood celebrities, would name their daughters that?

Example:

"I-I-I'm sorry," stammered Artemis, taken by her beauty. "I don't even know your name."

"My name is Beeyutafel." Said Beeyutafel, tossing her raven tresses (record scratch noise).

"What a…lovely name."

4. HAIR

Yes, with hair dye, these days you can have just about any colour under the sun, but with the extreme colours, like pitch black, your hair just looks like plastic. Very few people-no, I mean, and I'm not being racist, but very few white people have black hair, and most Sues either have blonde curls or raven black tresses. No, not black hair, raven black tresses, long, golden blonde curls, tousled auburn waves or chestnut locks.

Me? I'm a chestnut locks kinda Sue.

5. BODIES

Super athletic with long slim legs, pale, clear skin. And they're at least a D-Cup. 'Nuff said.

6. PERFECT IN LOOKS AND PERSONALITY

An Artemis Sue? No prob, their IQ is equal, but not higher than his. Harry Potter Sue? She's an orphan with dark hair and a shady past. An Aang Sue? They are either an incredible bender in their discipline OR they are an Airbender OR they have control over two elements OR they're the Avatar as well. It's called Avatar: The Last Airbender for a reason. Edward Sue? Sorry, I haven't read Twilight, but I'm getting it for Christmas.

Sues all have incredible fashion sense, a wicked sense of humour and the same taste in music as:

Arty/Klaus/Harry/Aang/Naruto/Sokka/Bart/PeteWentz/Duncan/Whoever/Edward, whoever the hell he is.

7. KINDS OF MARY SUE

In my Sue study, I have come across three kinds of Sues.

The Fangirl Sue

Written by some SQUEE! Girl with a crush on the character her Sue gets. These kinds of Sue usually have the most ridiculous features, midnight black tresses with pink and silver streaks and bright blue and purple eyes with pale clear skin and a fashionable, clean cut wardrobe….

The Accidental Sue

Usually written by beginning writers, these Sues are accidentally created when the author tries to make them perfect at the start, as they are not very good at character development. These Sues have been fixed, and the procedure is often simple. JUST MAKE THE FREAKIN CHARACTER (sorry, caps lock) have flaws. Swearing, nail biting, an obsession with a certain bass player, tangled hair. Oh, and get rid of the golden curls. Brown and sort of frizzy is soooooo in right now.

The OC Sue

We get it, we get it. We forgive you. JUST DON"T DO IT AGAIN! (woo! Caps lock)

You're tired. You just got eighty reviews saying stuff like OMGZZZZZZ!!!!!! UPDATE NOW!!!!!!!!1!!!

So in your desperation, forget replying, I will soon, you stick up a half done chapter where:

Arty/Klaus/Harry/Aang/Naruto/Sokka/Bart/PeteWentz/Duncan/Whoever/Edward, whoever the hell he is, meet some girl, who was going to have character. Class. Normal coloured eyes, though I know, it is easy to accidentally write 'Sparkling sapphire eyes' instead of, erm, blue eyes.

Usually these characters/stories recover from the Sue and go on to be reviewed again and again with 'OMG!!!!1!!!! Luvved it!!!'

If this happens to you, shut down your computer immediately, put away your writing implements and take a break. When you get a meaningful review, say, something like:

That was good, but your OC is getting a little Sueish and Artemis is a little out of character. I really like how you've kept Holly and Artemis friends though.

Write the next chapter in your own time, or if you're smart, you'll have already written it and be holding it hostage until you get 5 more good reviews.

Thanks for reading and reviewing (lol) and merry Christmas. I just want to say I'm working on a sequel to Messages and Romance, but it's kind of a different genre. It's a lot darker (I think) and there isn't an IM in sight.

Again, Merry Christmas to all of you.

REVIEW!!

Lotsa luv,

Nic.

xoxo