Chapter 53

Halfway down to the dungeons, Severus began to imagine that the corridor's walls were beginning to close in on him. With each step that brought him and Harry closer to their destination, his heart rate picked up dramatically. When his palms began to sweat, he quickly removed the hand that was, still surprisingly, on Harry's shoulder. After descending the last set of stairs and the door to their quarters came in to sight, he had an irresistible urge to turn around and hightail it out of the castle. But being one to not run from anything, he continued on. Never could he ever remember being this nervous or apprehensive. Though he hated to admit it to himself, he was even frightened.

He owed Harry an apology; a huge apology. In doing so, however, he'd have to expose himself more than he had ever done in his life. Just days before, while lying in the hospital wing recovering, he hadn't been able to admit to himself why he had done what had. If he couldn't bare his sole to himself, how was he to do so to Harry?

The two continued their trek through the corridor in complete silence, both lost in thought. It wasn't until they entered their quarters that Severus finally spoke. "I think it best if we eat before our conversation, as I expect it to take quite some time. Please go wash up, Harry, while I acquire our breakfast." He put a hand on Harry's back and gently pushed him in the direction of the hallway. He then went into the kitchen to see about their breakfast.

Harry took a few steps after the push, but then stopped and looked around. Taking in the familiar surroundings, a bubble of warmth began to grow inside of him. He honestly never believed he'd ever step foot into the dungeon quarters again. With happiness and contentment, both which he truly hadn't felt in a long time, he made his way toward the restroom.

He was a few steps into the hallway when he stopped dead in his tracks, the smile disappearing abruptly from his face. On his left was the door to Severus' bedroom and on the right was the door to the restroom. The door to his own bedroom just to the right of Severus' was gone as was the one for the secret entrance at the end of the hall. Both were now just stone walls matching the rest of the walls in the hallway.

A range of emotions took hold of Harry in that instant, drowning out his happiness from just seconds before. Skepticism was at the forefront and joining it were devastation, confusion and even anger. Swallowing thickly, he continued to the restroom and washed his hands like requested.

He arrived at the entrance to the kitchen moments later and saw the table set with two plates containing eggs, sausage links, toast and fruit. There was a glass of milk beside one plate and a cup of coffee next to the other. Severus was rummaging around in one of the kitchen drawers, his back towards him. Instead of entering, he stood at the threshold of the room and just looked at everything. It all seemed so normal. It was like when he had stayed in the dungeons on the weekends just a month or so ago.

Closing the kitchen drawer, Severus turned around and spotted Harry hovering in the doorway to the kitchen. "Go ahead and sit down." He then walked to the table, set silverware next to each place and took a seat himself.

Harry reluctantly sat down and began to eat, however his thoughts were on the man eating next to him and of what he saw in the hallway. Professor Lupin had told him that all his father's memories of the two of them since Lily's letter was received in October were removed and destroyed. That would mean Severus would only see himself as a professor, not as a father, to him. Yet up in the hospital wing, he acknowledged that he was truly his father. That definitely wasn't possible. Add in the fact that his bedroom, along with the secret entrance, were both gone and it made it all even more confusing.

His thoughts then began to run wild. Maybe everything was all still a joke, just like he thought months ago. Maybe Hermione was right and the professor was a true Death Eater and was trying to get him, Harry, to trust him so he could be delivered to Voldemort. The thought turned his stomach. Not able to eat another bite, unless he wanted it all to make a repeat appearance, he began pushing things around on his plate.

~SH~

Between bites of egg, Severus studied Harry having noticed a change in the boy's demeanor since returning from the restroom. He knew the boy had a grin on his face the entire way down to the dungeons as he'd witnessed it a few times, but now that grin was gone. In its place was a frown. When Severus set the table for their breakfast, he would have bet all the galleons in his Gringotts vault that Harry would have talked nonstop during the entire meal. But from the moment Harry sat down, he hadn't said a word. It was definitely concerning.

Ten minutes later, after having finished his own breakfast, he broke Harry out of his thoughts. "I trust you are done?" he questioned, eyes indicating the food still on Harry's plate. "You've just been playing with your eggs."

"Oh…yeah," Harry replied softly, setting down his fork. "I'm done."

Nodding, Severus vanished the breakfast plates and stood up. "Let us go to the living room for our conversation. No sense in staying here and being uncomfortable."

The two made their way to the sofa. Harry sat at one end, biting his bottom lip, with his hands folded in his lap while Severus sat at the other end, a finger tapping on his chin in thought.

"I do not know where to truly begin," Severus stated after a moment, lowering his hand. "There are so many things to be discussed."

"What did you do at Christmas, sir?" Harry blurted out, and then looked at Severus sheepishly, having most likely interrupted the man. He couldn't help it though. He needed to know what was going on.

Surprised at the question, he looked at Harry with confusion. "Excuse me?"

"What did you do during the Christmas holidays, sir?" he repeated. "I need to know the truth." His eyes were wide with fear but there was also a small glimmer of hope as he waited with bated breath for the answer.

Severus didn't answer right away, he just studied Harry. The look the boy was giving him made him think it was almost a life or death question and he couldn't fathom why. He racked his brain trying to come up with a logical explanation, but for the life of him, he couldn't figure out what it would be. "Why would you…"

"Please, sir," Harry interrupted. "Please just answer." Harry knew he took a bold move by interrupting the professor, but he desperately needed an answer. He couldn't wait any longer.

His answer was obviously very important to Harry, so Severus gave the boy his complete attention. He turned so he was facing Harry with his right arm along the back of the sofa. "I spent the holiday at my home at Spinners End. It was a quiet and pretty uneventful holiday."

When Harry's eyes went wide in fear, he amended his answer. "It was uneventful if you don't count having to console an emotional sixteen year old boy, hunting down a perfect Christmas tree while enjoying warm drinks, or opening my presents and watching my son open his presents on Christmas morning." Severus then stopped talking and just stared at Harry with an eyebrow raised, hoping that his answer was satisfactory.

It took a few moments for Severus' words to sink into Harry's brain and the fear and skepticism he was feeling began to disappear. A very small smile began to grace his face, however he was still very confused. "I don't understand. Professor Lupin said you removed your…"

"Ah. Right," Severus interrupted, now fully understanding why he was asked the question he was asked. "I had forgotten the dunderheaded werewolf told you my initial plans. Too bad he didn't tell you my revised plans as well." He looked at Harry with warmth shinning in his eyes. "I never removed my memories, Harry."

"I don't understand." Harry looked at Severus, the confusion evident on his face.

"I couldn't do it." Severus removed his arm from the back of the sofa and took Harry's hand in his. "I couldn't remove you from my life, Harry. I didn't want to remove you from my life."

Harry stared at their joined hands for a moment then slowly looked up. The knot that had formed in his stomach when he first sat down on the sofa began to diminish. "But I thought you hated me. You sure acted like you did. And what about all those things I said to you? All those things I did, like destroying my bedroom…" Harry trailed off and looked past Severus toward the hall. "Hang on! My bedroom. The secret door. Both are gone. If you wanted me in your life, why did you get rid of them?" he questioned, removing his hand from Severus' hold.

Severus couldn't deny hearing the hurt in Harry's voice. "You do remember the last few things you screamed at me right? In my office when I was called for the Death Eater meeting?"

At the memory of that afternoon, Harry closed his eyes and hung his head. He would never forget what he had yelled at the man that day.

Severus took that gesture as an affirmative. "I knew you would never want to see me as a father figure again." He paused then took a deep breath for the strength to continue, his gaze leaving Harry. This was just the start of having to bare his soul and expose himself, and he was utterly terrified. "Now is the time I need to be brutally honest with you, and myself. Maybe if I had done so in the past, we wouldn't be sitting here having this conversation."

At those cryptic words, Harry whipped his head around to look at Severus. He was about to say something when Severus finally looked to him again and continued speaking.

"You will never know how much your words truly hurt me, Harry. It was like someone had sliced through my heart with a knife."

Harry looked at Severus sadly. The man's pained expression conveyed everything he probably had felt. Then he remembered the way he had been treated the last month. "But I thought…"

Severus put up a hand. "Harry. Please. This is hard enough as it is without your interruptions and questions. Please let me continue. When I am done, you may ask as many questions as your heart desires."

At the slight admonishment, Harry bit his lip and sunk back against the sofa. For Severus to admit that what he had to say was difficult for him, Harry would honor the man's wishes and do his best to keep quiet. "I'm sorry. Please continue."

"Thank you." Severus took a breath then began again. "That day in my office, you made it painfully clear you did not want me in your life. All my dreams died in those few seconds and my worst nightmare was coming true," Severus admitted sadly. "You were rejecting me. With those few words you screamed at me, I knew I had lost you as a son, along with all the happiness and purpose you gave my life."

Pressing his lips together tightly, Harry lowered his head, though his heart was as light as a feather. Never before did he realize just how much he meant to the man next to him or how much he could hurt that same man.

Giving Harry's shoulder a comforting squeeze, Severus stood up and began pacing in front of the fireplace, hands clasped behind his back. "At that meeting, I was given a task to brew a potion for the Dark Lord before the attack on Hogsmeade. It should have only taken forty minutes to brew, but I spent over three disastrous hours brewing and was still unsuccessful. My thoughts the entire time were on you and our nonexistent relationship."

Severus paused with one hand on the fireplace mantle and ran the other over his face. "I needed to concentrate on the potion and on destroying the Dark Lord, the latter of which was the most important. It was then that I asked Remus to remove all memories relating to the letter, my real memories I received in October, along with you and our new relationship." He felt his chest constricting just thinking about what he had almost done.

Harry couldn't help it that the first thought that popped into his head was the memory he saw of his father in almost the same position having a similar conversation with his mother. It seemed that when things began to get rough or difficult for his father, he permanently removed any and all obstacles instead of acting like a responsible adult and trying to resolve the situation without doing anything drastic; like talking to all persons involved instead of removing part of his life. Instead of giving in to the urge to scream that Severus should have been the adult and taken responsibility for his own actions, Harry sat in anger with his hands balled into fists to keep himself quiet and just watched as his father began to pace back and forth again.

"You need to know that I thought I was not going to make it out of that attack on Hogsmeade alive. That having been the case, I did not want to spend the rest of my days feeling like I was." Severus turned around, but stood in front of the fireplace. He couldn't bring himself to get any closer to Harry just yet. "For Merlin's sake, I even had adoption papers drawn up claiming you as my biological son. I had planned on presenting them to you that afternoon in my office. I could not continue loving you and wanting you in my life when you wanted nothing more to do with me. The pain was truly unbearable."

All the anger that was inside Harry disappeared. Now that he knew what was truly going through the man's head at the time, he could understand why he wanted to remove all his memories. He probably would too if he was in that situation as well. But then a small voice in the back of head was asking what would have happened if his father did make it out of the attack and he didn't have his real memories? Since the only one that it would probably truly hurt was himself, Harry pushed that thought away, not wanting to think about it. Instead he concentrated on the last few things his father had said.

His father was willing to give up adopting him as his son because it hurt too much to know he wasn't wanted as a father. Harry's chest tightened almost painfully at that thought. Wanting to say something about the adoption papers, but knowing his father needed to get this all out, he refrained from speaking. He even resisted the strong urge to go up and give his father a bone-crushing hug to make them both feel better. Instead he continued to sit quietly on the sofa.

Severus finally looked Harry in the eyes. At their unadulterated longing, Severus forced himself to walk toward him. "Before Remus was to perform the memory charm, I needed to remove all reminders of our life together from the dungeons." He finally reached the coffee table and sat down facing Harry, eyes still on the boy. "I couldn't have any reminders of the happy life I had with you. I removed all evidence of you from my quarters and sealed off your bedroom and the secret entrance. I then took my real memories, the letter from Lily, and my Pensieve to Spinners End, where they would all be destroyed."

Even though Harry knew his father didn't go through with the removal of his memories, it still hurt to be told he was to be willingly removed from someone's life.

"Upon my arrival, and before I destroyed the items and returned back to Hogwarts to have my memories removed and altered by Lupin, I decided to read the letter and view my real memories one last time. It was then that I knew I couldn't do it. I could not remove you from my life." He paused and took a shaky breath.

At Severus' pause, Harry reached for his father's left hand and pulled him to the sofa to sit next to him. He then leaned against him, resting his head on the man's shoulder. His only wish was that his father reread the letter and viewed the memories weeks ago.

Severus willingly sat down next to Harry. With his left hand still in Harry's right, he wrapped his right arm around Harry's shoulders and pulled him closer to his side. "You were my life. You are my life. It didn't matter if you would never see me as a father figure again. I still wanted to be there looking after you, making sure you were well, seeing you laugh." His voice grown rough, he paused and swallowed thickly. "Seeing you grow up."

Harry looked up to Severus with a smile. "I'm glad you didn't go through with it Dad."

Severus squeezed Harry's shoulder and kissed the top of his head. "As am I, Harry. As am I. And just so you know, all of my altered memories have been removed and destroyed and my real ones are right here where they should be," he said pointing to his head.

"Good." Harry relaxed against Severus, enjoying the comforting and safe feeling of being, once again, wrapped in his father's arm. His eyes then swept over to the hallway and he pulled out of his father's embrace. "I still don't understand. If you never did remove your memories, why are my room and the secret entrance still gone?"

"I didn't see the point of returning them. Remember, I had thought you didn't want me in your life. Why would I keep them? That brings up a question I need to ask you. When did you change your mind about me?"

"Oh." Harry looked down, unable to maintain eye contact. "Well…I uh…I viewed your memories after I yelled at you when you went to that Death Eater meeting and that's when I changed my mind." After a few moments, he cautiously looked up. "I hope you don't mind."

Severus chuckled softly at the irony, trying to lighten the mood. "Why would I mind? Didn't I tell you on more than one occasion that I wanted you to view my memories?"

Harry's face began to heat up. "Oh yeah," he responded, feeling like an idiot. "I completely forgot."

"It is understandable, especially after all that has happened recently, so do not fret about it. My intent for that afternoon detention, actually, was to have you reread your mother's letter, make you view my real memories, and present you with the adoption papers."

None of that made any sense to Harry. If that was the case, why was he treated the way he was? "But you hated me," Harry bit back and jumped up from the sofa in anger and hurt. He stood next to the coffee table, away from Severus, with his hands balled into fists. "The way you had been treating me made me think you didn't care about me at all. It was like we were back in my earlier years here. You wouldn't listen to a thing I said, you treated me like dirt, and you definitely didn't hide your hatred toward me."

As Harry's thoughts moved to when he was laid up in the hospital wing a few weeks ago, he unconsciously backed up a few steps toward the entry door and his shoulders deflated. "You never even visited me in the hospital wing after I collapsed," he added softly. "You didn't care."

Severus stood up and took a few steps toward Harry to try and console him, having noticed Harry beginning to work himself up. When Harry took a few more steps backward, he stopped. "As you obviously know, my real memories resided in that bottle and I was living with my altered ones. The longer I lived with my altered memories, the stronger they became. My real memories were beginning to just seem like very old photographs. That is why I was treating you like I was. I'm sorry, Harry. I know I should have restored my memories earlier, but I felt the only way you'd believe me to be your father would be to see my memories. I didn't think you'd believe me otherwise."

As much as Harry wanted to forgive his father for the wrongs he had done, he could no longer accept his apology without an explanation. "No." Harry shook his head. "No. That's not good enough. It might have worked on me before, but not now. I need an explanation. A true explanation." He stopped speaking and watched as Severus retreated back to the sofa. "If you hadn't treated me like that, I never would have said those things to you."

Stung at Harry's rejection, though if he was honest with himself, it was definitely warranted, Severus returned to the far end of the sofa and sat down. He put his elbows on his knees and put his face in his hands. If he thought the previous conversation was difficult, he didn't know how he would complete this next one. With fear seizing his entire body, he tried to slow down his breathing and stop himself from the slight trembling that had just begun.

A few minutes later, when he felt he had control, Severus finally looked up. Harry was staring at him with wide eyes and was standing even farther away from the sofa. Severus beckoned Harry over. "Harry, please come sit down. This is going to be a long, difficult conversation."

Harry slowly moved to the sofa and sat at the far end facing Severus, not willing to be any closer to the man. He was still too angry and confused.

When Harry was settled, Severus took a deep breath and then gave Harry his full attention. "I know you may have heard a lot of this before; perhaps from me, the headmaster or maybe even from your friends, but I will pretend you never heard a word. Your mother and I were best friends long before we began Hogwarts. When we started our first year and got sorted into different houses, we promised nothing would come between our friendship. Of course we couldn't see each other as often as we wanted while at school, due to house rivalries and all, but we more than made up for it when we were home during the holidays and summer."

At Severus' last sentence, and being a sixteen year old boy, Harry grimaced as his thoughts took a turn in a direction his father probably hadn't even considered. He did not want to think of his parents in that way.

Gazing into the distance, Severus continued unaware of Harry's thoughts. "We spent a majority of our free time at the park or just walking around our neighborhood." He paused and smiled, remembering walking to the town's ice cream parlor days before the start of their fifth year, and talking about their future together. When his thoughts turned toward the later part of that year, he returned his attention to Harry. "Unfortunately fifth year changed things between Lily and me as you had witness to last year in the Pensieve."

"I'm sorry," Harry whispered, still feeling guilty over that incident. "I know I shouldn't have seen that."

"There is no need to apologize anymore, Harry. What's done is done. Just put it out of your mind." He watched Harry nod at his command, but instead of continuing his story, he kept quiet. Up until that point, the conversation was easy. Now was the beginning of the difficult part. Not being able to keep still, Severus stood up and began pacing between the fireplace and sofa once again.

Having finally been able to recognize some of his father's tells, Harry just waited patiently for him continue, knowing this was extremely difficult for the man. He toed off his shoes and curled up on the sofa.

After a minute, Severus stopped pacing and leaned against the fireplace mantel facing Harry with his hands in his pockets. "Throughout my years at Hogwarts, James Potter was my enemy and tormentor. He and his three friends, whom I'm guessing you already know, were bullies. From the moment Potter and Black met me, they…" He stopped, not wanting to voice everything, but as difficult as it was, knew he needed to continue. "They insulted me, hexed me and bullied me. I was their constant target. Their nickname for me was Snivellus, and it was given to me on the train to Hogwarts the start of my first year. By the end of that September, a majority of the students in the castle were calling me that."

Harry stared at his father in surprise. He knew of some of James and Sirius's taunting from the Pensieve in fifth year, but to actually hear it from the man himself was completely different. Hearing how Severus was treated, Harry's heart clenched. It was reminiscent to how he had been treated before starting Hogwarts. They were both outcasts. Who knew how similar the two of them actually were.

"Potter had a major crush on Lily and he was always after her," Severus continued. "He couldn't stand that Lily and I were best friends and extremely close. Wanting to drive the two of us apart and to claim Lily as his own, Potter and his friends' treatment of me got worse as the years went on. In one of those instances, I was humiliated and said one wrong word to Lily. That was the end of our friendship. I was devastated and tried to apologize to her on many occasions, once almost having slept all night outside Gryffindor Tower. She made it clear that she didn't care to hear a word I said. With that one word, I pushed Lily right into Potter's arms. They started dating a week later."

Again, Harry knew exactly what incident Severus was referring to. He was still surprised that his father would have called his mother that name considering how much he now knew the man loved her. If he were in his father's place, he knew he would have never uttered that word. Constant humiliation was part of his childhood. That situation would have been no different.

Severus paused and ran a hand over his left forearm over his now non-existent Dark Mark. "It was then, after I lost Lily, that I took the Mark and joined the Dark Lord. I won't lie to you; I had been friends with Lucius Malfoy and some of the other children of the Dark Lord's followers for many years and was extremely interested in dark magic. Two things Lily told me on many occasions that she didn't understand. I turned to them as a way to boost up my self-esteem, I guess. To this day I truly regret that decision." Pausing again, Severus returned to the sofa. "This is now where my altered memories begin."

Harry sat frozen on the sofa at those words. His father's altered memories obviously played an immense role in how he had been treated since arriving at Hogwarts over five years ago. Never did he believe he would truly get to hear why he had been treated that way. He dared not breathe in the event he missed something.

Severus knew that Harry had seen his real memories. Harry admitted it to him just a while ago. But it was still very difficult to continue with his explanation. He wasn't proud of the way he had acted, but there was nothing to be done about it now except explain. "I graduated Hogwarts feeling extremely bitter. I had spent the last two and a half years of my schooling watching Potter and Lily get closer and closer and knew it would only be a matter of time before they got married. Joining the Dark Lord didn't satisfy me either. No one had any respect for me. Nothing turned out the way I wanted."

"I spent over a year after leaving Hogwarts brooding while also working on becoming a Potions Master, the only thing I excelled at and was extremely interested in. It was while returning from classes one day that I learned of Lily and James' marriage and that they were expecting a child. My world began crumbling around me when I heard. You see, even though I knew it was over between Lily and myself, I still loved her. In my dreams, it was her and I that got married and were to have a child." Turning slightly pink, he dropped eye contact with Harry.

"It took two years, but things began to get better and I finally got the chance to prove myself. I decided I would become a professor at Hogwarts to spy on the headmaster for the Dark Lord. It was common knowledge that the headmaster was holding interviews for prospective professors at the Hogs Head so I went to see if I could gain an advantage over others interviewing. That is when I overheard the prophecy."

"After hearing the prophecy, I immediately relayed it to the Dark Lord. He came to the conclusion that it was referring to the child of Lily and James Potter and was set on hunting them down and killing the entire family. My stomach dropped when I heard those words. I immediately asked the Dark Lord to spare Lily in exchange…" Severus paused, feeling extremely nauseous. How was he to say the next three words? Just the thought of them was making him physically sick.

At the silence, Harry, who had been staring at his lap absorbing all that was being told to him, looked up to Severus. The man almost looked green and sweat was beginning to form on his brow. Alarmed, Harry reached over and placed a hand on Severus' arm. "Sir, are you okay?"

The touch having broken Severus' thoughts, he looked up into Harry's concerned face. Not able to answer and not wanting to see the revulsion that would grace his son's face in a few moments, Severus looked down to Harry's hand. He swallowed down the bile that was making its way up and after a few deep breaths, continued on. "I asked the Dark Lord to spare Lily in exchange for her son."

Harry's first instinct was to jump from the sofa and begin yelling at Severus. But then he remembered these were altered memories; memories his mother gave Severus. He removed his hand from Severus' arm. And when he did so, he noticed Severus close his eyes and lower his head. "But those were just your altered memories," he stated. He then got up and sat down next to Severus. "None of that truly happened."

"You're right," Severus choked out. "But that is all I knew for over a decade. For me, that was what really happened."

Harry pressed himself against Severus' side, knowing his father was distressed, and took the man's right hand into both of his own. He gave a gentle squeeze. "Can you please continue?" he asked quietly.

Though Harry was right and these were altered memories, Severus was still truly surprised by Harry's lack of rejection and it warmed his heart. He squeezed Harry's hand in return. "So there's no doubt, the rest of what I'm about to tell you did indeed happen. The Dark Lord would not change his mind. He was adamant that the entire family was to die. I rushed to Albus Dumbledore. In hysterics, I related everything that had happened and asked for his help and his forgiveness. I begged him to hide Lily, Potter and you; to keep you all safe."

Severus took a few ragged breaths as he remembered that fateful night. "As you know, it was all for naught. The Dark Lord found you. I was devastated when I found out Lily was dead and you lived. I wanted to die as well. Dumbledore convinced me otherwise, however, and to make sure Lily's death wasn't in vain, I was told to protect you and to become his spy. I agreed. I loved Lily too much to deny the headmaster anything. I did have my own request of the headmaster, though. He was to never tell you that I was protecting you. I, of course, didn't have to make good on the request until you began Hogwarts."

Harry thought back to all the times since his first year that Severus was there saving him. When they all occurred, he thought it was just a professor's responsibility to his students. But now that he knew the man was forced to do it, out of a request, it hurt. True they were both technically the same thing, but for some reason, the real reason hurt more. He moved away from Severus.

"I still remember the day I first saw you. You were walking down the aisle in the Great Hall the night you were to be sorted. I had truly hoped you looked like Lily so my obligation would be easy. But I was disappointed once again. You were the spitting image of Potter, right down to the unruly hair. After your first potions class, I saw you as James Potter not Harry Potter; an arrogant, rude, lazy, attention-seeking rule breaker. I must admit, though, it helped me tremendously with my spying duties for the headmaster and for the Dark Lord. I didn't have to pretend to hate you since I truly did."

Severus stopped and turned to Harry. It was then that he noticed Harry was not at his side anymore but back at the other end of the sofa, and his heart constricted. He would have to be blind to not see how his words affected the boy. He knew Harry had a legitimate reason to feel the way he was feeling, but knowing this next part of conversation was the most important, Severus really wanted the boy's complete attention. "Harry, look at me please." Not getting any reaction, Severus leaned over and turned Harry's head until they had eye contact. "Everything I've revealed up until now has been, essentially, a backstory. I needed you to understand everything I went through and where I was truly coming from. What I'm going to tell you now is why I treated you the way I had. You see, every time I saw you, I saw the son of my only love and her husband, my childhood enemy. You were a constant reminder of everything I lost and of all my imprudent actions throughout the years."

When it looked like Harry was going to turn away and dismiss everything he said, he felt a fierce stinging behind his eyes and a painful lump forming in his throat. He had laid it all on the line, probably even made a fool of himself in doing so, and none of it had made any difference. He was going to lose his son once again. "Harry," he pleaded, voice thick, "Don't you understand?" Completely overwhelmed, his voice failed. He cleared his throat a few times then wiped a hand across his damp eyes. With dejection and hopelessness, he tried speaking once again, but his voice came out as a hoarse whisper. "Every single time I looked at you, I saw the failure that I was. I treated you the way I did to counteract those feelings. I know that none of that is an excuse, but it is the only one I have."

Severus watched Harry expectantly but there was no type of acknowledgement. Knowing what Harry's silence meant, he stood up. "It was all for nothing," he whispered and slowly walked to the kitchen. Needing to keep himself busy so he wouldn't fall apart, he put on a pot of water for tea. While waiting for the water to boil, he numbly took a seat at the table. The heartbreak he felt was beyond horrible. On his way to the dungeons earlier, he thought that his life with Harry would begin again. He had actually bared his soul to achieve that and was still rejected. There was nothing else he could do. Harry would never see him as a father. Despair creeping up on him and not being able to repress his feelings anymore, he rested his elbows on the table and put his head in his hands.

~SH~

While listening to the reason why he was treated the way he was his first five years at Hogwarts, Harry didn't know what to think at first. He was having a hard time understanding Severus motivations. Would being in a situation like that make someone act the way the Severus had? Harry tried to imagine what it would be like if he was Severus. As much as he didn't want to admit it, it was truly possible. With that realization, he needed to go tell Severus he understood and accepted the man's apology.

Harry was about to call out to Severus when he got to the entrance of the kitchen, but his mouth snapped shut before he could utter one word. Feeling extremely awkward at what he was witnessing, but unable to move, he stood rooted in the doorway. Severus was seated at the kitchen table, his head buried in his hands and his shoulders were shaking. Every once in a while he would hear a quiet sniffle. Was his father actually crying?

Even though all the signs were there that that was the case, he couldn't quite believe it. Feeling guilty, as he was the one to cause this reaction in his father, Harry quietly left the doorway. He returned less than a minute later to the sound of the tea kettle whistling. Seeing Severus wasn't moving, he quietly retrieved two cups from an upper cabinet and made them both a cup of tea. He placed one cup in front of Severus, pulled out the handkerchief he retrieved just moments ago and set it next to the cup. "Dad?" he whispered, standing just off of Severus' right.

At that word, Severus squeezed his eyes shut tightly and shook his head. He knew he was hearing things.

Concerned, Harry put a hand on Severus' shoulder. "Dad?"

When he felt the touch, Severus realized he wasn't imagining things. He slowly lifted his head and tried to compose himself. He wiped at his eyes while trying to focus his gaze on Harry.

"Dad, you are not a failure. You made some wrong choices, but a failure could not succeed in making me love him. Dad, I accept your apology." Harry repeated.

Without a moment's hesitation Severus stood up and pulled Harry to him, wrapping his arms around him in a fierce hug. "I love you, son," he choked out as his tears began anew.

"I love you too, Dad," Harry returned, tears beginning to well up in his eyes as well, though his didn't fall.

Severus finally let Harry go a minute later. He spotted the tea and the handkerchief and flushed in embarrassment. He couldn't believe he was actually crying in front of Harry. "Thank you," he rasped out while pointing to the two items on the table. He grabbed the handkerchief and turned his back to Harry while he wiped at his eyes and blew his nose.

Harry bit his lip. Since he found out why his father treated him like he had, it was only fair that he confess all to his father as well. That also meant explaining why he was in Hogsmeade. He had planned on speaking about it only when he was asked, but he knew it was his turn to talk. "Dad, I want to tell you why I was in Hogsmeade."

Severus stuffed the handkerchief in his pocket and turned around. Harry was worrying his lip between his teeth and looking at the ground. He picked up his cup of tea, wrapped his free arm around Harry and led him to the other cup of tea. After Harry picked it up, they returned to the sofa. Unlike when Severus started the conversation over an hour earlier, the two sat side by side.

~SH~

Sitting down, Harry soon regretted his words. How was he to tell his father why he was in Hogsmeade? He'd have to confess and divulge a lot more than he truly wanted to. But the more he thought about it, the more he knew he owed it to Severus. He took a few scalding sips of tea and set the cup on the table. Relaxing against the back of the sofa, he placed his hands under his thighs and began bouncing his legs up and down. He didn't know where to begin. And almost any way he said some things would more than likely cause some type of discipline from his father. How was he to do this? He quickly glanced at Severus.

Severus drank his tea while he waited patiently for Harry to begin. It wasn't until the boy's legs started shaking that he realized how nervous he was. Severus set his cup down and stood up. "Why don't we go for a walk on the grounds? The weather is rather pleasant."

Harry gave Severus a confused look before he stood up and followed his father out of the castle. After stepping outside, he took a deep breath of the crisp, spring air and looked up at the cloudless sky.

Severus slowly walked to the Black Lake, Harry at his side, enjoying the breeze and warmth of the sun. He hoped a different environment would ease Harry's anxiety and allow him to talk freely, though he knew the boy would probably need a push. "What did you do after you screamed at me when I left for that Death Eater meeting?"

Drawing his eyes from a bird flying overhead, Harry looked to Severus. "I saw the look you gave me before and after you threw something away in the trash bin as you left," he admitted. "Having not really seen that look before, and wanting to be nosy, I pulled out the folder you had thrown away. I found the adoption papers. I was having a hard time believing what I was reading, so when I spotted the box with my mother's letter and your real memories, I re-read the letter and finally viewed your memories."

Harry desperately wanted to give his father a hug, remembering how he felt just watching the memories, but knew he couldn't risk it. "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I know if it was me in your situation, I wouldn't have been nearly as strong."

Touched, Severus wrapped an arm around Harry and gave his a side-ways hug.

A few seconds into the hug, Harry realized what was happening. As much as he wanted it, he jumped out of his father's arm and looked wildly around. "What are you doing? People will see!"

"Don't get so worked up, Harry," Severus chuckled. "It doesn't matter who sees or knows anymore."

"What are you talking about? If Voldemort finds out, you could…"

"He can't find out Harry. He's dead. And most, if not all, of his followers have been captured or killed."

Harry stopped walking and stood with his mouth opening while staring at Severus. "What?"

Severus didn't say anything at first. He rolled up his left sleeve and showed Harry his unblemished arm. "He is dead….by my hand."

Harry couldn't take his eyes off his father's arm. The Dark Mark was truly gone. "How?" he whispered, reaching out to run a finger over his father's arm.

"I heard you screaming but couldn't believe it was you who I was hearing. You were not to be in Hogsmeade," Severus admonished. "Following the sound, I rounded the bend by the post office just as the Dark Lord was casting the killing curse at you. When you fell to the ground lifelessly, I did the only thing I could think of. I turned my wand on him and cast the killing curse. He had that potion I had made for him in a pocket, I presume, and it caused an unbelievable explosion."

"Good. I'm glad he's dead." Harry began walking again, though this time, much closer to Severus. "Were there any casualties?" he asked, scared of the answer.

"Unfortunately, yes. Two shopkeepers and four Order members, though none you would have known. There were also five Death Eaters, including Lucius Malfoy. There were also about twenty injured and all were taken to St. Mungos."

"Okay," Harry said automatically, as his thoughts were still on the fact that Lucius was dead. As much as he couldn't stand Draco, he now felt sorry that the boy no longer had a father. "Hang on," he said as something Severus said penetrated his mind. "You said the killing curse hit me and I fell to the ground. How am I still alive?"

Seeing a felled log not far from their location near the forest, Severus led them over to it. They both sat down with Harry leaning against Severus' side. "That was the same question I had asked as well upon learning you were still alive. All I can tell you is what I was told. Because of your connection to the Dark Lord through your scar, when the curse was cast, it was that connection that died, not you."

"My scar," Harry exclaimed as he brought a hand up to the famous lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead. Instead of the bumpy skin he was used to, he only felt smooth skin. All the air rushed out of his lungs. "Dad?"

Severus gently moved Harry's hand away from his forehead and brushed his hair away. "Well I'll be," he stated quietly. "How did we not notice this before?" He removed his hand and gave Harry a smile, eyes crinkling at the edges.

"What?" Harry asked, at the still unusual look on his father's face. "What is it?"

"It seems your scar, like my mark, disappeared when the Dark Lord perished."

Harry's mouth dropped open and his eyes went wide. "You mean…I don't have…I'm just…" Harry muttered, then went quiet, not wanting to voice what he had always wanted.

"Harry?" Severus questioned in concern when Harry remained silent.

Harry looked up to Severus with hope shining in his eyes. "I'm finally just Harry? I'm a normal kid?"

"Well," Severus began seriously. "I wouldn't say normal. Can you think of any other students at Hogwarts that have a professor as a parent?" he asked, with a smirk now on his face. "Besides, I don't think you're normal. I think you're extraordinary!"

Blushing, Harry playfully jabbed his shoulder into Severus. "Thank you." He then stood up, brushed off the leaves and dirt from the back of his trousers and began walking along the edge of the forest. Severus joined him a few seconds later.

"So what were you doing in Hogsmeade?" Severus asked when Harry remained quiet, having been wanting to ask that question since entering their quarters hours ago.

The question broke Harry out of his thoughts. "Oh. Well, I heard about the attack that was to happen in Hogsmeade when you were brought in after that Death Eater meeting. It was actually me who saw you being Apparated, though at first I didn't know it was you. I was next to your bed hiding under my invisibility cloak," he admitted. When he came upon a low hanging branch from a tree on his right, he broke it off and began swishing it back and forth. "At first, I wasn't going to be in Hogsmeade, but things…changed. I ended up going because I needed to kill Voldemort; it was prophesized. And with things going the way they had, I didn't care if I lived or died. You see, I did a lot of thinking when I was staying in the Room of Requirement those few days before the attack."

Severus nodded as he now knew where Harry had been hiding. It seemed he might get more out of this conversation then he originally intended. Not wanting to break Harry out of his thoughts, he kept quiet.

"I realized I couldn't count on Professor Lupin," Harry continued. "He didn't seem to care what was happening to me. I kept telling him what the headmaster was requiring me to do for that defense group I was teaching, but he did nothing. He didn't even agree that the headmaster had unrealistic expectations. It was because of Dumbledore's requirements that I collapsed and landed in the hospital wing. How was I to complete his requirements, keep up on my school work, complete the extra defense training he wanted me to do, along with taking the time to eat and sleep? I couldn't fail my classes, I wouldn't disappoint the kids in the defense group, and because the headmaster made it extremely clear I wasn't to skip out on the training, I had to take the time from eating and sleeping."

Harry stopped talking as he threw the branch into the Black Lake and watched it sink. "And then you never came to see me or take me from the hospital wing even though you had once told me I would never have to spend time there," he said accusingly. "I kept hoping the way you had been treating me was an act, but when you never came, I knew that to not be the case. You truly hated me again and that meant that I would have to go back to the Dursleys. I knew what would await me there come the summer holiday and I would do anything to avoid that situation. That's why I had to go to Hogsmeade." Harry paused and took a shuddering breath. "I had actually hoped I wouldn't make it out of there once the attack was over."

At Harry's declaration, all the blood drained down to Severus' feet and he began to feel lightheaded. Harry had gone to Hogsmeade to, in a way, commit suicide? He opened his mouth to say something, but he was speechless, for once, and completely numb.

"Want to know what's funny?" Harry asked after a few quiet moments. "I was ridiculed, harassed, abused and more by my relatives my whole life and though I hated it and it caused me pain, it never compared to what I felt lying in that hospital bed and knowing you didn't care or when I learned you were removing your memories. Funny huh?" He hung his head and slowed his pace.

Not able to find any words to say, Severus instead placed a hand on Harry's shoulder.

At Severus' touch Harry stopped walking and turned into Severus. His father's arms wrapped around him seconds later. "I ruined it all and I was not going back to the Dursleys," he whispered into Severus' chest, noting the man's rapid heartbeat. "There was nothing left for me to live for." He closed his eyes and relished in the feeling of being comforted.

"You have everything to live for, Harry," Severus responded, finally finding his voice. "You always had."

In response, Harry wrapped his own arms around Severus. "I know that now."

The two stood like that until they heard someone clearing their throat. Looking toward the forest, and spotting the intruder, they immediately pulled away from each other.

The moment Harry spotted the blond girl smiling at him, his face turned bright red and he looked to the ground. "Hi Luna."

"Ms. Lovegood," Severus acknowledged, running a hand down his shirt to remove invisible wrinkles.

"Sorry to interrupt you two," Luna said while she held out her hand which held a bunch of wild flowers. "I was picking some flowers to brighten up my dorm room but I couldn't keep my eyes off of you two. I'm glad to see you both finally getting along. It's about time." She looked to Harry. "I'm so glad to see you looking so well and happy, too. You had me really worried."

"I did?" Harry asked in surprise, unaware that he was slowly walking toward Luna.

Luna gave Harry a dreamy smile. "Of course."

"Why?" He stopped walking just inches from her.

"Silly, did a Wrackspurt float into your ears again?"

"No." He then felt Luna take his hand into hers. "I thought you and Neville," he began, looking at their joined hands with a knitted brow.

"You must have Wrackspurts," Luna laughed. "Come on, I'll get rid of them for you." She turned to Severus. "That is if it's okay with you, professor?"

Still trying to wrap his head around what he was seeing, all Severus could do was nod his head in response. Now he had something else he needed to discuss with Harry, along with finishing up today's conversation.

"Can we have dinner in our quarters tonight, Dad?" Harry asked as Luna started to drag him away.

Severus cleared his throat and smiled. "Of course, Harry. We still have some things to discuss. Come down at five."

"Okay. See you later!" Harry looked down at his conjoined hand and smiled. He didn't think he could get any happier than he had been when he left the hospital wing hours ago, but as the day wore on, it was getting better and better.

~SH~

With a small smile on his face, Severus watched as Harry took the bunch of flowers from Luna and walked out of sight hand in hand. A few seconds later his smile turned to a look of fury. With a new determination, he spun on his heels and stormed toward the castle. He had a few words he needed to say to the headmaster.

After almost running up the spiral staircase, and without knocking, Severus slammed open the headmaster's door. "I should go straight to the Board of Governors."

At the crack of wood on stone, Albus calmly set down the book he was reading and looked up, meeting the furious gaze of his potions master. "Severus," Albus stated with eyes twinkling. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"You should be removed from this position. How can you treat a student the way you have? How can you give unrealistic expectations to the point of compromising the heath of a student? A true headmaster would know better. You have no…"

"What are you talking about Severus?" Albus interrupted. He did know what Severus was referring to, but he wanted to try and calm the man down.

Severus walked right up to Dumbledore, put his hands on the arms of the man's chair, and leaned into his face so they were almost nose to nose. "Enough with the games, old man," he growled. "If I hear of you treating another student the way you have Harry, I will go straight to the Board for your removal. If you so much as look at Harry, he and I will be out of this castle so fast that you'd think we Disapparated within the castle wards. Do I make myself clear, Albus?"

At the look of fury in the man's eyes, Albus scooted back in his chair and the twinkle in his eyes disappeared. "I would never…" Albus began.

Jaw clenching, and almost to the point of hexing the man, Severus interrupted. "Do. I. Make. Myself. Clear?"

Not wanting to lose his best potions professor, Albus sighed then finally nodded his head. "Yes, Severus."

Slightly appeased, Severus backed away from Albus and headed toward the door.

No longer feeling threatened, Albus returned to a more comfortable position in his chair. "Would you like an update on the Dursleys, Severus?"

Severus paused as he was about to cross the threshold, hand on the doorknob. He slowly turned around.

Albus took that as a sign that the man did want to know. "Since the money I had been giving them over the years was never used as it was intended, I have taken the equivalent out of their personal bank accounts. Unfortunately they didn't save enough, so they were required to sell their house to pay the balance. They currently live in a small apartment in a, as Mr. Dursley called it, less desirable town for now. The local authorities will soon be making an appearance as they have been notified of the all the abuse that had been going on. Vernon and Petunia will be taken into custody, with their son going to live with his aunt."

"Will there be a trial?" Severus asked, dreading the answer. He did not want Harry to relive what he had been through.

"No. They have received enough evidence to convict without a trial. I hope that is satisfactory, Severus, as there is nothing else I plan on doing to them."

"It is, headmaster," Severus replied in relief, glad he hadn't been asked to handle the Dursleys since more than likely it would have landed him in Azkaban. "Thank you for taking care of them. And remember what I said about the other thing." Without another word, he turned around and headed to his quarters, having something extremely important to complete.

The moment he entered, he pulled out his wand and headed toward the hallway. With a few quick movements, the door to Harry's bedroom materialized in front of him and he walked in. A foot inside, he stopped and shook his head as he looked at the mess surrounding him. His heart clenched painfully as he realized how hurt Harry had to have been to cause this amount of destruction. Severus knew the bedroom could be returned to normal with a wave of his wand, but this was something he wanted to do without magic unless it was absolutely necessary. He stowed his wand and began the slow process of cleaning up.

Fifteen minutes in, he picked up a pillow from the floor and his heart began beating painfully fast. Eyes glued to what he uncovered, he threw the pillow to the other side of the room and with a trembling hand, picked up a packet of paper and sat down on the bed. Knowing he had destroyed what was in the trash bin in his office not too long ago, he slowly looked through the packet, not believing what he was seeing. It was the adoption papers he had drawn up. "Harry must have taken them with him," he whispered.

With papers in hand, Severus went to his study, signed them in all the required places, put them in the envelope that was provided and quickly sent them off to the Ministry of Magic. He had planned on signing them in front of Harry, but he didn't want to take any more chances with the papers. They were too precious.

Feeling lighter than air, Severus returned to Harry's bedroom and finished cleaning up the room. Unfortunately he was forced to pull out his wand a few times when he came across torn photos, letters, and other assorted broken items. He was just finishing making up the bed two hours later when he heard a pop and an envelope hovered in the air in front of him. Grabbing it, he tore open the envelope to reveal an adoption certificate. Pulling out his wand, he made a duplicate copy and put the copy in a frame he had waiting on Harry's desk. After he set the frame on the night table, he put the original in his study to be taken to his Gringotts vault later that night.

He had initially planned on the two of them eating in their quarters, but that was thrown out the window upon receiving the certificate. Instead, as a celebration, he'd take Harry out to London for dinner with a quick stop to Gringotts. Besides storing the original adoption certificate, Harry needed to be added to his accounts.

With a few hours until Harry was due, and Harry's room returned to right, he went to his study to work on the week's lesson plans.

~SH~

With a spring in his step and an ear-to-ear grin, Harry headed down the dungeon corridors to his father's quarters. He'd had a great afternoon, having spent most of the time talking with Luna. He even discussed his renewed relationship with Severus to Neville, Ron, and Hermione over lunch. To his surprise, all of them were happy for him. Luckily no one brought up the attack on Hogsmeade since he wasn't ready to discuss it.

When Harry reached the door to Severus' quarters, he put a hand on the knob to open it, but then paused. With a small tilt of his head, he removed his hand and knocked on the door instead. It opened a few seconds later.

"You didn't have to knock, Harry," Severus stated as soon as he opened the door and saw Harry standing on the other side. "Remember, these are your quarters too."

Face slightly flushing, Harry nodded and entered.

"You're early," Severus stated as he closed the door.

"Luna had to attend a House meeting." Harry looked up at Severus. "Besides, I wanted to spend more time with you." He headed to the sofa, dreading what was to come. "You said we had more to talk about?"

Severus remained standing by the door. "Yes, but that can wait until later." Severus clasped his hands behind his back, a glint in his eye. "Go wash up."

Harry looked at Severus in slight confusion, but got up and headed toward the restroom. Like before, he took a few steps into the hallway and stopped dead in his tracks. A smile slowly appeared on his face and he ran to the open door of his bedroom. His eyes slowly took in the entire room. It looked just like it did when it was first given to him, with a few additions he'd added over the past few months. He did spot something on the side table that was not there before, though, and went over to inspect it.

Having been a few steps behind Harry, Severus was standing in the doorway when Harry picked up the frame that held the adoption certificate. "That is a copy. The real one will be going into our vault."

As Harry stared at the paper preserved behind the glass and took in its meaning, his breathing became ragged and his hands started shaking.

Severus walked into the room and stood a few feet behind Harry. "You are now officially my biological son, Harry," he said softly.

Sniffling, Harry took another look at the paper, set the frame back on the table and turned around. The instant he saw his father's outstretched arms, he ran into them and hugged the man tightly. When Severus wrapped his arms around him and kissed the top of his head, Harry squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to stop himself from bawling like a baby. At his first hitched breath, however, he knew it was useless.

The moment Severus realized Harry was crying, he began rubbing his back. "You know, Harry, that paper didn't truly change anything."

"Yes it did," Harry sniffed through hitching breaths. "Now no one can take me away. I am yours and you are mine. Forever."

Severus tightened his hold of Harry. "Forever," Severus repeated with a chuckle, thinking about the punishment he'd be needing to give Harry for his actions over the past week. "A word you may soon regret."

With watery eyes, Harry pulled back and looked up at Severus in alarm. "What?"

"It's not what you think, so don't worry about it." Severus guided Harry's head back to his chest. "Let's just say we'll be discussing your recent antics after our celebratory dinner in London."

Harry gulped audibly, having hoped nothing would come of what he did leading up to and including Hogsmeade.

Severus ended the hug a few moments later, after kissing the top of Harry's head one more time. "Now go wash up for real. We need to head to Gringotts before we go out to dinner to celebrate."

"I love you, dad," Harry stated as he wiped at his eyes and headed to the rest room. Though he wasn't looking forward to the upcoming conversation, he couldn't wait to begin his life with Severus again, and to see how Luna was going to fit in with it. He realized he didn't even care what the other students or professors thought about his new relationship with Severus. All that mattered was that the two of them were happy.

Severus smiled as Harry left the room, his heart feeling lighter than it ever had. "I love you too, Harry." Without the threat of the Dark Lord hovering over either of them, Severus couldn't wait to begin the next chapter of their life together. Too bad that chapter would begin with having to punish the boy, but with Harry's track record, he wouldn't have expected anything else.

~fin~

Wow! This is so surreal...and very sad. After spending over 7 years of my life writing, and at times even living, this story, I am finally done. When I first started writing it, I never imagined it would take this long or be as long as it is. I've also learned a lot in the process as well. I am still amazed at all the readers who have left comments, added me/the story as a favorite, and followed me along in this journey. I can never thank you all enough. You will never know how much all of that means to me!

I know there are probably large plot holes and missing items in this story, and I apologize. I just hope I hit on the major things as I wrapped it up.

Some of you are probably wondering if there will be a sequel. At this point in time, I don't know if I will ever write one. I don't have a story line in mind for one...just a title. If you have any ideas, besides the two of them living together, please let me know. And if I do end up writing a sequel, I will post a message here for everyone to know.

Again, thank you all so much for reading!