A/N: Well, I got tired of waiting and decided to go ahead and post this anyway. Sorry it's so short, but nothing of much interest happens in this anyway. In other news, my family is moving back to Canberra. I'm not sure when, but some time around June/July. My mum decided she hates her job, and since we only moved to Melbourne FOR her job in the first place, there's really nopoint in staying, is there? I'm psyched to go back to Canberra, but less excited that we already sold our house, as well as a tad pissed off because of all the money and time I wasted on TAFE. I tell you this stuff because it may affect how quickly the sequels get written, but rest assured, they WILL get written. This only my second chapter story in my LIFE that I've ever even finished, and I plan to get more under my belt.

Amelia McDermid: As a writer, I actually quite liked Nina. Because she was insane, I didn't have to worry about staying true to character, personality wise, and because I made her so Sue-ishly powerful, I was able to have her do things that, even in the Torchwood universe, are pretty far-fetched. And just because she's dead, doesn't mean she's gone...

Rai Guyver: I did notice, and am very happy for you (and me, of course, since I wrote it). The tic-tacs line is very popular. It didn't seem that funny at the time, it's just one of those story conventions, in this day and age, that when a group of peopleare stuck somewhere without food, one of them has tic-tacs.

bbmcowgirl: The consequences of Nina's death, while not a major plot point in the sequel, will influence Alex's character development. I don't wanna give to much away, but as you may have guessed, we haven't quite seen the last of her! To answer your other question, sex will not feature a lot in the sequel, and I still don't plan to get too graphic, it'll just be before/after the fact, I'm afraid. But yes, since writing my first sex scene, I have been planning a threesome for the boys. Just have to muse over how it'll play out...

vixengreen: Here it is. What is it with fan-fictioneers and cookies? "Review and get a cookie", "Update and get a cookie". Are these cookies real, or are they some sort of digital and/or spiritual cookie? I'm going crazy trying to figure this out.

kateg123: You HAVEN'T put me on author alert? I'm shocked! Seriously, though, don't feel you have to. I have yet to put ANYONE on author alert. I prefer to do it old school and check manually. I'm old fashioned that way. I'm glad you think I have imagination and a sense of humour. To me, those are the two important factors in a story. And since you went to so much trouble to reference your favourite parts from my story, I thought I'd go ahead and put down my favourite part from one of yours. (I don't read JackxGwen, or Harry Potter stuff, so I chose this from your CSI fanfic, "Body Language")

"I am a cupboard sucking gayboy!" Best. Line. EVER. When you take it out of context, it's even more hilarious. Every time I read it, I crack up.

Kazz the 13th: Film critcs, pfft, what do they know? Saying a role doesn't suit an actor is like saying a topping doesn't suit a pizza! I mean, sure, I don't LIKE pineapple, but I'm not gonna complain if people cast it in a film...uh...you know what I mean. Glad to see you liked the last couple of chapters (I think 21 is my best opening line ever). I hope you like the ending, even if you don't like the fact that it IS the end.

dutch1: Thank you, thank you and thank you. I hope the conclusion meets your expectations.

el-retardo69: I'm really glad you liked this, I wasn't sure about showing it to people I actually KNOW, so that was a huge relief. Let's hope that the upcoming sequel will get you in even more trouble in class. Oh, and, thanks for giving me a title for the sequel, even though, from what I remember, it was an accident.

picky and paranoid: Don't feel you have to keepcoming up with fun facts to amuse me (although this latest one did make me laugh). To be honest, I, myself, am out of gimmicks. No facts, no recommendations, no funny disclaimers. I hope the quality of the writing is enough to keep you reading.

Fairy-Tales123: Don't worry, this story is more of a beginning than an ending. And my ideas for the sequel already suggest that it will be quite a bit longer as for the man on man on man action, well, I promise that it will at least by IMPLIED, if not made totally obvious. Alex is a raging slut (as evidenced by this chapter), I have no control over him!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Torchwood. If I did, I would've known about all the second season stuff, and wouldn't have even bothered to give this a timeline. As it stands, I am dreading the last episode, and kicking myself for spoiling it for myself (if that makes any sense).

WARNING: Explicit references to oral sex. The word 'blowjob' is used...just a sec...only twice? That's not so bad. If there's anything else naughty in here, I dunno what it is. I have a fairly skewed moral compass.

TWENTY THREE: TECHNICALLY AN EPILOGUE

Alex walked into Jack's office and turned to shut the door, but thought better of it, just in case he needed a quick escape route. The invisible weight of Nina was gone now, replaced by a dull, throbbing ache in his chest. He tried not to think about her dead body in the morgue below the building. That was where it had rested for the last three days, and where it would stay until the end of time. Alex had wanted to roll her into the bay, weighted down by car parts, but the others had reasoned that they couldn't risk anyone finding her.

Jack was pacing back and forth, oblivious of the young man in the doorway.

"So," Alex said, snapping the older man out of his reverie "you're immortal."

"Does that bother you?" Jack asked. His eyes roved up and down Alex's body, but in a detached way, as if he were examining a horse he planned to buy.

"Not really," Alex shrugged "I feel a bit sorry for you, though."

"Why?"

"Well, don't you get really bored sometimes?" Alex asked "Having to continue to existence, following the same old routine, without even the option of suicide?"

"I guess."

"And if you can't die, how can you even call it living?" Alex asked "To live, implies that you will die. You just exist." He paused "Have you tried decapitation?"

"I didn't call you up here to get all morbid on me."

"Why did you ask me up here?" Alex asked, feeling more than a little nervous. Jack turned to him.

"Catch." Jack tossed an object in his direction. Alex had to lean slightly to the left to snatch it as it sailed through the air. He turned it in his hands.

"What is it?" Alex asked. Rather than offer a spoken answer, Jack presented his profile and pointed to a similar device on the side of his face. "That doesn't quite answer my question."

"Think of it as a "welcome to the team" gift." Jack smiled.

"A welcome to the- wait, what?"

"Don't get all excited and fan-girly," Jack warned, steamrolling right over Alex's confused babbling. "You'll be restricted to desk work, and cleaning, for a couple of years at least. I'm not too clear on the law here, what with being above it and all. But, even with your…abilities, I'd rather not have you out in the field for a while."

"Wait," Alex waved his hands to get Jack's attention "you can't be serious!"

"About not letting you out in the field?" Jack asked, confused. "Of course I am."

"About letting me in the team," Alex insisted "you can't possibly think I'd be suitable for the job."

"Why not?" Jack asked "We can't jail you, we can't retcon you. This seems like the perfect solution."

"But I'm all wrong!" Alex exclaimed, still bewildered. "You can't possibly want me!"

"You're repeating yourself." Jack smirked "What's wrong? Why shouldn't you work with us?"

"Where should I start?" Alex asked "I've spent most of my life in what can only be described as a 'human zoo', I lie, I cheat, I steal, I sleep around. In fact, if it weren't for my healing factor, I'd probably be riddled with communicable diseases. Should I keep going?"

"Please." Jack motioned for Alex to continue, highly amused by the ranting.

"Well," Alex racked his brain, was there a specific thing Jack wanted him to say? "I'm on the run from who knows how many people, I've been paid for sex, I have serious parental issues and I really, really hate Owen." He took a deep breath "Oh, yeah, and I got you killed. Twice!" He paused. "Although I don't feel as bad about that anymore. Do you still think I'm suitable for the job?" Alex crossed his arms, waiting for Jack to push him out of the office and slam the door.

Jack's response was a soft chuckle.

"Alex," he laughed, "I think you're going to fit right in."

Alex spared one last glance at Jack before turning away. He looked down at the seemingly innocuous device in his hand. He thought back to when he had first encountered Torchwood and Jack's flirtatious comments in the darkness of the cells. Oh, what the hell? The man had earned it, after all.

Jack watched as the speechless teenager turned to leave, he was halfway through the door before he turned back, a wicked grin on his face.

"Before I forget," Alex asked, as innocently as if he had been commenting on the weather "have you seen a blowjob anywhere?"

"A what?" Jack asked, sure he had misheard.

"A blowjob." Alex repeated "You see, I already gave Ianto one and I had a spare just lying around, collecting dust, so I thought if you still wanted it, I could give it to you…" Alex shrugged and sighed "but it seems to have disappeared. I can't think where it's got to."

"I'll keep an eye open," Jack smirked, unable to tear his eyes away from Alex's lips. Were they as soft as they looked? "I'm sure it's lying around here somewhere."

"I'll be back later to take a look around," Alex said "if you don't mind, that is."

"Why would I mind?" Jack asked. Alex's smile widened as he turned away.

Alex skipped down the stairs, two at a time, coming face to face with Ianto at the bottom.

"Check it out." He waved the earpiece "You are now looking at your new secretary and janitor."

"I've been replaced?" Ianto asked, mock horrified.

"Relax" Toshiko told Ianto, giving Alex a congratulatory pat as she passed by "You still make the best coffee, and you've been saying you wanted to do more fieldwork."

"Congratulations!" Owen called from the medical bay "You're now the resident vapid blonde of Torchwood Three."

"Cram it, frog-lips!" Alex snapped back.

"How about a cup of coffee?" Ianto asked trying to change the topic before another argument was sparked.

"No thanks." Alex made a face "Can't stand the stuff, never drink it." A deathly silence descended on them. Alex looked around at the stricken faces, feeling very awkward "What did I say?" He was saved from the awkward situation by a cheerful boom from above.

"Alex, you'll never guess what I just found!"

"Coming!" Alex yelled back, turning and racing back upstairs, glad to escape the awkward situation. Halfway up, he fell flat on his face, hitting his forehead on a higher step with a tooth-rattling bump. He looked down at his feet. One of his shoelaces had come undone. He raced to tie it, letting out an inaudible sigh of relief as he pulled the last knot tight, before scrambling up the rest of the stairs and slamming the office door shut.

"What do you suppose they're doing up there?" Gwen asked, after a while.

"What do you think?" Owen asked in a condescending tone "They're not playing monopoly." He turned to Ianto "aren't you upset?"

"Should I be?" Ianto asked "He doesn't have to like coffee."

"Your boyfriend is up there, bangin' your other boyfriend!" Owen pointed to Jack's office "If I were you, I'd be upset." He coughed. "Not that I've ever even had a boyfriend." He turned back to Ianto "What are you going to do, draw up a timetable?"

"Actually," Ianto paused "that might not be such a bad idea."

FIN

A/N: And there you have it. The final chapter of 'Headcase'. Well, it was fun, and I anticipate having even MORE fun writing the sequel. Now that this story's over, I won't be replying to any revies you post on this chapter (just in case that influences your decision to post one) but I will most definitly be reading them, and no doubt smiling like a loon over each and every one. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.