I: The Court

The court of King Kirrent was nothing more than a tent in the middle of a swamp. The army of King Kirrent was nothing more than a rag-tag group of untrained lizards. King Kirrent himself was nothing more than a washed-up old searat first mate. But King Kirrent didn't care. He had a court, an army, and a title, and he didn't care how lousy any of it was or how undeserving of any of it he was.

King Kirrent had once just been regular old Kirrent, a season or so ago. That was when he had been the first mate under Captain Scarback, the fearless captain of the Pillager. The ship had been aptly named. Scarback led his corsairs across the sea into unknown waters, where they become the death of anybeast they came across. They burnt down villages, smashed up homes, and took all the treasure they could lay paws on. This went on for many seasons, until one fateful day, the Pillager's crew attacked the wrong village. While a very angry badger tore Scarback and most of the crew to pieces, Kirrent and about ten other searats had managed to flee.

Finding themselves in an unknown land without any maps, the searats wandered aimlessly, with Kirrent taking charge of the group. One by one, the rats had been killed due to Kirrent's carelessness, until only Kirrent remained. Unwittingly, he blundered into a swamp filled with lizards, probably wanting to make a meal of him. Kirrent found himself completely surrounded by the scaly beasts; their reptilian eyes all watching him hungrily.

One of the larger lizards shouted something about how weak the rat looked, almost unintelligibly, and the lizards all laughed shrilly. Insulted, Kirrent drew his cutlass and ran the lizard through. There had been a short silence as the lizard fell over, dead. It was broken when a lizard named Corzon, whom Kirrent would later make one of his generals, exclaimed in awe, "Killt Blacktooth, he did! Killt him good!" The lizards had then erupted into a frenzy of discussion, mostly achieved by hissing and growling at each other.

Kirrent, seizing the opportunity, waved his dripping red cutlass in the air and demanded, in his most commanding voice, "Shut up!" At once, the lizards had simultaneously silenced themselves. Kirrent didn't know very much about lizards, and he hadn't ever really met one, but one of his former crewmates had told him that they were stupid, simple, and easily impressed. Impressively, he whipped his cutlass down, stopping it right in between the eyes of Corzon. Blood was flicked onto the lizard's face, but Corzon didn't move, not as much as in fear, but as if in dumb shock.

"I am Kirrent the Great, y'hear me?" Kirrent announced, coming up with the best title he could think of at the moment, "I've conquered a thousand kingdoms! I've sailed a thousand seas! I've slain a thousand lizards just like you an' I'll slay a thousand more if I hafta!" The words Kirrent were shouting didn't make much sense, but they sounded good enough to the lizards, and Kirrent could tell. "Now, I'm gonna be yer king now, y'hear me?"

The lizards all looked at each other in shock and awe. A thousand kingdoms? A thousand seas? A thousand lizards? They didn't quite know what it all meant, but a thousand of anything was a lot. Surely, this rat was their king! Kirrent smiled. It finally looked as if his luck was turning around.

Corzon was suddenly pushed aside by the largest lizard in the entire swamp, who suddenly realized that his position as leader was being threatened. "I izz our leader!" the lizard exclaimed accusingly, "I fight you!"

Unwittingly, however, the large lizard had stepped into the exact spot where Corzon had just been standing, with Kirrent's sword directly between his eyes. Kirrent simply thrust his cutlass forward. The large lizard fell directly on top of Blacktooth's carcass, dead as well.

This sealed it for the lizards. Kirrent the Great really was their king. And thus, King Kirrent now had an army of poorly trained lizards to protect his tent in the middle of a swamp.

King Kirrent felt that he made a very good king. He had started with small steps: First, he had promoted three lizards to be his generals, one of which being the stupid-but-obedient Corzon. All three had proven more than capable.

Second, he had ordered his army to explore the surrounding area. King Kirrent himself had no idea where he was, and apparently, neither did the lizards, who rarely left their swamp. He learned a lot about the immediate area this way, and one time during these small scouting missions, the scout party returned with a myriad of goods that they stole from a traveling merchant. These goods included the tent that was now King Kirrent's Castle, as well as a large, thick blanket that King Kirrent had modified to be his kingly robe, and a good amount of various weapons. King Kirrent had managed to outfit roughly a third of his army with those weapons, but he had never bothered to train the lizards how to use them. Thusly, the more effective fighters were actually the ones who fought with their claws and teeth.

Thirdly, he had sent solitary scouts to scour the more distant area. This plan had not been successful. The lizards were horrible navigators, and most turned up dead only a short distance away from the swamp. Still more never returned. Only a handful returned, and of those, only a few had come back with any useful information. Most that came back could only speak of endless forest. However, one had made it to the sea, and claimed to have seen a huge mountain off in the distance. And then there were the two that had just returned…

The truth was that, deep down, King Kirrent was not satisfied with his swamp, his tent, or his army. He wanted an actual castle, an actual court, and an actual horde, filled with rats, weasels, ferrets, stoats, and foxes. Not these idiotic lizards. When he sent out the scouts, he was looking for a place from which he could build these things. His lack of luck had aggravated him immensely; thus, upon hearing about the mountain, he had sent off a larger force led by General Davian to check it out, hoping it would have… something. King Kirrent didn't know what. He was just willing to try any avenue, if it could get him out of the swamp.

General Davian stepped into the court of King Kirrent, donning the dirty, ragged gray cloak that was meant to announce his authority. His sword was still unsheathed, and hung in his claw lifelessly. The general knelt as he had been instructed to do whenever beholding King Kirrent, then rose again. King Kirrent could already tell by Davian's look that this was not going to be a report he wanted to hear.

"Errrr…" Davian began, trying to find the right way to tell King Kirrent of his failure, "No good. Errrr… It wuz no good, yez." Davian was trying to speak as intelligibly as possible, hoping that he would somehow impress King Kirrent and perhaps lessen the king's anger. It wasn't going to work.

"'Twas no good, you say, eh?" King Kirrent snarled, leaning on a poorly made wooden chair that served as his throne, "What wasn't so good about it?"

"Big ztripedog, yez, there wuz big ztripedog, and longearz too. Lotz and lotz of them, yez! Cut inta tiny piezzez, yez. Ztripedog wuz very bad, killt lizardz very much, yez!" Davian gesticulated madly, cutting a comical figure.

"Stripedog, eh?" King Kirrent spat, "Stripedogs and longears… That's a hard bit to swallow, aye, but you aren't the type to lie to me, so I'll believe you." King Kirrent wished he knew where exactly he was. What kind of crazy land could he be in that had badgers and hares living at giant mountains on the beach? King Kirrent quickly turned his attention back to Davian. "Tell me exactly wot happened, y'hear me?"

Davian recanted his story as best as he could. The general claimed that he and the twenty lizards King Kirrent had sent with him to examine the giant mountain on the beach had been stopped by three hares in fancy uniforms just as the mountain had come in sight. The hares said that they didn't know what a bunch of lizards were doing on the beach, but they told them to turn back now. Davian had told them that he was there to conquer the mountain in the name of King Kirrent the Great, slayer of a thousand lizards and conqueror of a thousand kingdoms. The hares merely laughed and insulted Davian, then ran off towards the mountain. Davian thought nothing of it and kept on his path.

They had gotten about halfway to the mountain when a large badger, as well as a great amount of hares, had met them. The badger, like the hares previously, warned them to leave and called them a bunch of unskilled newts swinging sticks around. This, Davian claimed, had infuriated the lizards and they had attacked the badger, despite all of Davian's efforts to stop them (King Kirrent was pretty sure that was a bit of an exaggeration, but did not interrupt Davian). The badger had slaughtered all the lizards except the five or six who listened to Davian. That was when Davian had "retreated".

King Kirrent sighed. "So, the mountain is no good, aye," he replied absent-mindedly, "'Tis too bad. But, I got a new assignment for you, Davian." King Kirrent chuckled nastily as he looked at the confused expression on Davian's face, which could have been there either because the lizard was bewildered at how he was not going to be punished or because he simply didn't know what the word "assignment" meant. Davian wasn't too stupid for a lizard, but that really wasn't saying much.

King Kirrent continued, "Two of the scouts I sent came back. The first one found some sort of village or somethin', easy stuff so I sent Corzon to go check it out. You know he can't handle complicated stuff. The second one found some sort of red fort. I was thinkin' of sending Kalzmar to check that place out, but she's my best general and all, so I decided to wait 'til you came back, so you could check it out."

Davian nodded enthusiastically. "Check it out" was King Kirrent's way of saying "conquer it", "steal it", or "destroy it". Using the best of his mental capacity, Davian determined that King Kirrent wanted him to conquer the red fort place.

"Aye, I see you're willin' to go," King Kirrent smiled, "You can leave tomorrow, then. Bring twenty lizards…" King Kirrent paused, remembering how the previous twenty lizards to go out with Davian had been slaughtered, "Nah, forty lizards, the strongest ones you can find."

"Yez, Your Eckzellenzy!" Davian turned quickly and began to leave. The general was halfway out of the tent when King Kirrent suddenly realized something and stopped him.

"Not so fast, Davian," King Kirrent snapped. Davian wheeled back around extremely fast, listening intently. "Now, the scout said that the fort was surrounded by these tall red walls. How do you plan on getting past those?"

Davian scratched his head. His eyes went blank, as if he were in deep thought. King Kirrent chuckled again at the humorous display. After a few moments, Davian merely shrugged.

"How about this?" King Kirrent suggested in a tone of mock caring, "You know that ladder that Corzon found in that hut, aye?" After a second or two, Davian nodded. "How about you bring that? You can use it to climb over the walls."

Davian paused for a moment, and then shouted, "Yez, Your Eckzellenzy!" Then the lizard general turned and left. After he had been gone for several moments, King Kirrent burst into laughter. The lizards were such idiots.

---

Unbeknownst to both King Kirrent and General Davian, there had been two eavesdroppers listening to their conversation. Right outside of the tent, hidden by a good amount of bushes and shrubbery, were two Long Patrol hares that were neither fresh recruits nor tired old veterans.

"D'you hear that?" whispered the first one, "That oafish lizard is going to try and take over Redwall!"

The second one, who was only slightly older but much wiser, quickly replied, "Be quiet, or we'll be heard. Now, let's get back to Lord Oxpaw and tell him what we heard. Then we can talk about it."

Without another word, the two hares quickly vanished from the swamp, completely undetected.