Setsuna hadn't imbibed to this extent since Earth became habitable. But it was Usagi and Mamoru's engagement party, and it was so strange to be here, so strange, so wrong almost, to be celebrating, when all she could see was that last party, where she took his hand and the world burned.

But it was different here- she kept trying to remind herself- people were different here. She stood in the corner of the room and watched the party, watched all these young women who considered her a friend, a confidant, a guide. But she could never forget that these girls were the ones who had taken everything from her. They had taken her light.

But they weren't the same. Even at a glance she could see that. Their old selves hung superimposed over their images, and then dissolved. Minako, the way Setsuna would always remember her, standing in the palace courtyard, her clothes torn and stained, blood streaked across her face and hands, her eyes as hard as diamond. That was the Minako she knew, the one who had been forged in fire, who had been ready to kill a thousand innocent men if it meant she could save one of her own. This girl, hair splashing about as she jumped up and down holding Usagi's hands, in her pretty pink dress, so happy, so impossibly happy for her best friend. No, this girl was not Minako, and perhaps that was a good thing. The world had changed, and the mode of battle had changed, and maybe this time they could win it.

The girl who was not Minako had no real pain. Her heart was tied up in Usagi, even though when the excitement faded she glanced over her shoulder to see what Rei's reaction would be. There was no way it could be the same, no way at all.

Setsuna almost laughed when looking at Rei, her eyebrow arched in sarcastic disapproval. No they were not the same, just to think of the barbarian princess, crouched and savage, so like a wild animal that it would not seem strange for her to be foaming at the mouth in the same room as the sharply intelligent, poised and cultured priestess- the only thing they had in common was their silence, their silence that seemed to speak words.

Even Ami was joining in the fun today, looking fetching in her new blue dress that left her shoulders daringly bare. She was smiling, though she still seemed a little tense in a room with so much noise and happiness. Something in the corner caught Setsuna's eye, and she looked, meeting the blank gaze of a blue-haired girl who sat on the window seat with her computer on her knees. The vision faded, but not before Ami's eyes, the real Ami's eyes, not this girl who was slowly peeking out of her shell and shining with innocence, the real Ami's eyes shone dark and empty- soulless- as they should be. How else was one supposed to look after one's heart had been sucked out? Setsuna wondered why no one could see it in her eyes, though perhaps it had come to be replaced by the tiredness of never-ending life.

Setsuna couldn't even feel her chest clench up in anger like it usually did when she looked at Makoto. This girl was cutting the cake, smiling hesitantly at Mamoru who was assisting, gentle, nervous. There was nothing about her, nothing in her, that was the same as the cool, harsh, arrogant player who had instigated the crisis that destroyed the Empire. Nothing- until she stood up straight, and there, in the set of her shoulders-

Setsuna winced. Makoto had looked over at her and gestured that the cake was ready and she should come have a piece. They were not the same. And even though this Makoto was entirely guileless, this girl had never had a boyfriend, much less seduced three girls in two days, this girl had never gutted a manticore, her arms to the elbow in its intestines- even so, Setsuna hated her for a moment, and then hated herself for that.

She went over to the table and took a piece of cake, thanking Makoto politely, and hoping that she didn't sound too cool- cooler than the way she treated the others at least. It was getting late and Michiru was on the sofa with Hotaru curled up asleep in her lap. Haruka bringing her some cake and then feeding it to her piece by piece so they wouldn't disturb Hotaru. Setsuna decided not to mention that when Haruka lost her balance trying to lick some icing off of a reluctant Michiru's face and fell on her lap, everyone would know that Hotaru wasn't very happy at being squished. But she didn't mention it, distracted.

Haruka and Michiru- those two- they were the same, well, almost. Perhaps they didn't have the memories, not all of them. They could not quite understand their love of their home planets. Haruka did not remember her bond to Minako and Michiru to Rei and it was just as well. But they had been tempered by their experiences in this life. They had chosen duty over love many times and then finally love over duty. Setsuna thought that if Haruka and Michiru had survived- if they had won, if things had been different, if so many things had been different, they would have been like they were now.

Ooops, there Haruka went, and Hotaru woke and began crying. Michiru thwacked Haruka on the back of the head, and started comforting Hotaru. It was time for them to go, and they made their excuses. Michiru asked Setsuna what she intended and she said something regarding helping clean up, it wasn't all that important. She had her own car, and she never looked like she was drunk.

After they left, the party started wrapping up on its own. Rei had an early morning ahead, and congratulated Usagi for the last time. Ami departed as well, and Makoto collected her dishes and took them home to clean.

Mamoru looked hesitant, but said his male friends had invited him out for a stag night- one of many to come, Setsuna supposed, and Usagi let him go. Minako was not far behind, looking soft in the eyes and a little tired.

Usagi grinned at Setsuna before sighing dramatically.

"Well, you did say you'd help clean up, so chop, chop- lets go."

It wasn't as bad as Setsuna had expected. There were a few glasses to wash, and some decorations to put away, but she found that if she moved slowly the room didn't spin.

When finished she sat down at the kitchen table with another glass of wine and stared at Usagi's back as she finished the dishes.

When Usagi turned around, wiping her hands on the dishtowel, she was quiet and looked calm, her eyes steady and dark. Her mouth was taut with some not too pleasing thought and she looked more like her mother than she ever had- her real mother, not the mother of this human shell. She glanced at Setsuna and then at the glass in her hand, and seemed a little confused.

Setsuna wondered what about her was making her look drunk. She sat as straight and as steady as always. Her face bore no expression. Then Usagi smiled softly and slid into the seat across the way. Setsuna could almost feel affection in that smile, and it made the hole where her heart had been hurt.

"You look so much like your mother." The words tumbled from her mouth before she could stop them, and surprise shone in Usagi's face.

"Really? I mean, people have been saying the opposite-"

"Not her." Setsuna's voice was sharper than she would have liked. "No, I mean…"

"Oh," Usagi said softly. There was something in Setsuna's face that made the words so strong, such an honor really. "I- what was she like?"

Setsuna seemed surprised at the question, but then she smiled. Her eyes though, were not looking at anything in this room. They were probably not looking at anything in this time.

"She was… beautiful. And strong- god, she was so much stronger than I thought she was. So much stronger than I thought she could ever be." Then she laughed, and Usagi nearly jumped in surprise. "You take after her you know, more than she did."

There was venom in her tone when she spoke the last part.

"What? Who do you mean?"

"You, not you. Ugh, you know, her." Setsuna pouted, not being able to find a way to communicate the idea clearly.

"The princess?"

Setsuna suddenly looked like a weight had been lifted. "Yes- yes, the princess."

"What do you mean I'm more like her? I'm," she glanced down embarrassedly, "such a klutz. I'm not beautiful or noble or graceful-"

Setsuna was looking at her with hard eyes. "What are you talking about?"

"Well," Usagi looked nervous, "Well, I mean, in the memories- I don't have many, but there are some. You know, the ice skating. She was really good at ice skating and I can't even stay on my own two feet."

"Makoto taught her that." The words did not match her tone.

"Oh."

"Don't be jealous of her. You have your own skills. You care about other people. No matter how charming she was, that was something she could never quite get a handle on." Setsuna looked angry and tired. "No, she was far more selfish than you in the end."

"I- I don't know what to say. None of us know much about our past lives, we- we don't remember."

Setsuna snorted.

"We wonder sometimes though- we wonder who we were, and what we were like."

Setsuna gave a sharp eye-roll. "Different."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Usagi let a slow smile cross her face. "How different?"

"Very."

"Well you're forthcoming today."

Setsuna scowled, and Usagi couldn't really help it, she smiled. It was so cute to see her like this, the all-knowing guardian of time drunk and pouting like an eight year old.

"Don't look at me like that?"

Usagi pretended to look surprised, not very effectively because Setsuna just scowled deeper. Suddenly the look on Setsuna's face broke and her eyes opened and her face cleared and there was an expression of innocence and hope that Usagi had never seen before. She froze at the sight of it, and when Setsuna's hand slipped across her cheek and she leaned close, so close that she could feel her breath as it brushed past her ear, she couldn't move at all.

"You're so like her, you know, so much, and I think that maybe you're her, you could really be her, and not, not that one, but…"

Usagi's eyes had flickered shut at the words murmured so close to her ear. She had been holding her breath, and when Setsuna's lips gently brushed against hers everything released.

Setsuna was still looking clumsy and longing when she pulled away, and Usagi let her fingers linger on her arm. She had never had a kiss as gentle as that before.

"Are you okay?" Usagi gently touched her under the chin.

Setsuna nodded, but staring at the ground as if ashamed. "I should go."

"No. I don't care what you say. You aren't well enough to drive."

Setsuna traced the grain of the wooden table.

"Please stay."

She nodded, and Usagi sighed.

-

It was late, nearly four when Usagi slipped out of bed and walked towards the door. She hadn't been able to sleep well in the big double bed all alone, not after that, not when all she could think about was the tenderness and aching pain of Setsuna's lips touching her own, and of what it meant.

Her memories of the Silver Millennium were few and weak, often images without emotion. Ice skating, dancing, the earth floating in the sky- there was nothing important, not even a moment with her mother, her lover, her friends… But Setsuna's voice had been so hard, so angry when she spoke of her, of the princess- maybe she was better off not knowing. Still she felt as if she had been kept in the dark, told all these generalizations. She didn't know the story, she didn't know what had happened, and what ever it was, she didn't want to leave Setsuna to be the one to carry it all alone.

The moon had set and the house was pitch black, but she knew the way into the living room, carefully testing the path with her toes to make sure she didn't step on anything and fall. The living room was lighter, and she paused for a moment to see Setsuna stretched out on her stomach on the foldout sofa, so still she could have been dead.

When she came closer, Usagi could see the gentle rise and fall of her back as she breathed. She sat down on the bed next to her and let her thumb run across her thick dark hair.

Setsuna shifted almost imperceptibly under her touch. She made a low sound in her throat and mumbled something that sounded a bit like, "what are you doing up?" so Usagi let her hand rest behind Setsuna's ear and whispered, "couldn't sleep."

Setsuna's hand groped around for her waist and once caught, used it to try and pull Usagi down. She resisted at first, but then grinned a little. She shouldn't kid herself, this was why she had come out here for the first place, for just a little company. She slid into bed beside Setsuna and held her the way she was being held. The seething mass of questions faded from her mind and she let herself sink into slumber in the warm embrace.

-

Of course the next morning was unbelievably awkward. Waking up to Setsuna staring at you as if you had suddenly started wearing a tiger striped bikini with doc martens and running around shouting 'I am the king of the world- bring tribute of luscious young maidens so I may eat them!' was never going to be a fun experience, and Usagi just groaned at her expression and pulled the covers up over her head.

Setsuna got out of bed and started moving around making noise. Usagi didn't pull the covers down from over her head until she could smell food cooking in the next room. She padded over across the rug in her bare feet and wondered where she had left her slippers the night before. Setsuna was at the stove, stirring something thick in a saucepan while another bubbled on the next burner over.

"What are you making?"

Setsuna looked at her, she looked tired and her eyes were sort of bloodshot, but she looked sad mostly. Usagi hoped that she hadn't managed to make it worse for Setsuna, she knew about fractured hope.

"Make tea- black, please."

Usagi nodded and set about filling the hot water machine and re-boiling it, then digging the small container of black tea out from under the sink, and spooning some into the bottom of the teapot. The hot water machine made a popping noise and she filled the pot. Leaving it on the counter she went to watch Setsuna who gave her a sharp look and said, "get bowls."

Usagi pouted but went to the cupboard. She debated picking out her favorite rabbit patterned bowls but then looked at Setsuna's back, she probably wasn't in the mood to deal with her childishness right now. She took two regular ones instead and brought them over. Setsuna lifted a rice paddle up with a small clump of whatever was in the second saucepan and pointed it at Usagi.

"Try it."

Usagi ate the proffered sample.

"Ah- good!" it was rice, but it had been cooked in something besides water, maybe milk, though there were definite hints of coconut as well.

"Is it done?"

Usagi nodded and debated on trying to sneak a little more, but Setsuna started scooping the rice into the bowls and then poured the contents of the other pan over them. It was thick and golden, clear like honey, though a bit darker. Setsuna rooted around until she found two Chinese-style spoons, stuck them in the bowls, and handed one to Usagi. Then she stalked off to the table and sat ungracefully, her legs folding too quickly under her. Usagi watched her for a long moment, trying to read her, trying so hard. Setsuna gave her another of her patented sharp looks, and Usagi meekly came to the table.

The flavor was like nothing she had ever had before, and yet was familiar. The golden sauce was honey, but it had been richly spiced, cloves and cinnamon, and something else she couldn't quite place, maybe cumin? It was a strange flavor. The rice was rich and delicious, but not sweet, the sauce provided the sweetness and the sharpness that countered the soft milky taste of the rice.

She saw Setsuna watching her eat and froze. It was only her eyes that betrayed her, only her eyes which showed the haunted pain that had risen to the surface. Everything else was the same as ever. Usagi wondered if she had suddenly become able to read Setsuna better than she had before, if these emotions had always been in her eyes, and she had just never looked close enough to see.

She thought about kissing her again, but no, she had already hurt her too much by being too like her, by stepping into her place. Usagi bent her head and returned her attention to the food.

"This is amazing," she said softly, "what's it called?"

Setsuna laughed roughly. "Rice pudding, I guess. She never called it that. It was always Setsuna's Amazing Hangover Remedy to her. It wasn't made with rice though, but this is as close as I can get with only terrestrial ingredients." Then she chuckled again. It was making Usagi nervous. "Not that rice is originally terrestrial. It was imported in from Neptune, mm, so long ago."

Something hurt about the way she spoke. Usagi didn't know why it hurt, except that she had separated them again. There wasn't even the "your mother" that gave them a connection. She was just Usagi again, and she didn't want to think about why it felt so strange, why she felt as if she had lost something now that Setsuna had stopped looking at her like- like she had before.

She left not long after. The redness gone from her eyes, looking as pressed and as put together as always, even in yesterday's clothes. Mamoru came stumbling in a few minutes after she had gone, smelling like beer and wincing as if the light made his head throb. He came into the kitchen and looked at the pans still left out on the stove.

"Hey, that looks good, can I have some?"

"No." The word was out of her mouth before Usagi had even thought about it. "I mean, no, it didn't turn out. I'll make you something else."

Mamoru nodded and went into the bedroom. Usagi stood over the trash ready to scrape the rest of the rice into it. She was angry in a way she didn't understand. But she couldn't do it and finally put it all away in containers in the refrigerator and made Mamoru some of the oatmeal he had developed a taste for in America. When she brought it into him, he was already asleep, so she left it on the bedside table and went out into the living room. The sofa bed was still out and mussed from sleep. She crawled back in and buried her head in the pillow looking for comfort, but not finding any in the scent of Setsuna's hair left on the pillow, yet there she stayed.