Disclaimer: I am not Kishimoto. Kishimoto is my mangled, little, green chew toy here. My dog ripped his ears and eyes out and killed him.

Holy mother of…13 reviews!? Thank you so much! You guys are awesome! COOKIES FOR YOU ALL!

I'm pretty proud to say that I've written more than how much I usually write. Well, it's long to write by my standards, anyway. I have a short attention span. WHOO! I BROKE 3000 WORDS!

I apologize for the late posting of this chapter. I wrote this chapter a long time ago, but I hated how it turned out. So, I went back and edited a bit. Still don't like it. On top of that, I had a ton of work to do, and I'm probably the biggest idiot on the planet, because I'm putting this up in the middle of finals. And I'm going to die for my stupidity. Very, very painfully.

And on another note, I've started drawing again! I have a bunch of Yondaime sketches that I have yet to color and stuff. And some other stuff, even though everything I color looks like utter crap. Especially blond hair. It usually either turns out orange or a revolting shade of puce. Please shoot me now. But if you do want to see what I have so far, it's here: http// expiration-date . deviantart . com/

This chapter is rated T for sarcasm, stupidity, breaking the fourth wall, characters acting more stupidly than usual, characters acting severely out of character, and the readers' desire to murder the one known as Thais. Thais is not responsible for any twitching, choking, suffocating, or any other signs of disgust and/or anger at this sad excuse for a fanfiction. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

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In room 429, Naruto opened his eyes. He struggled to sit up in the bed and scanned the room. 'Where am I? Let's see…white walls, no windows…Oh, yes. The hospital. Great.' He slumped and grumbled incomprehensible things to himself. Then, he tensed and looked towards the door to see the last person he had ever expected to see.

"Y–you're…"

Chapter One:

The person at the door walked towards his bed as Naruto watched him the whole time, gaping. This was very, very strange. No, it wasn't just strange, it was shocking. And not just shocking. Naruto was just plain horrified.

Because the one standing before him was Sasuke. What. The. Hell.

Seeing that his friend had awakened, Sasuke yelled to someone outside of the door, "Guys, he's up! Naruto's up!"

Meanwhile, Naruto's mind was in turmoil.

'What the hell is he doing here? Who is he calling to? Why the hell would he care about a "dead-last" like me? Didn't he form his little group with some other shinobi, Hebi,' he mentally spat with distaste, 'and go off to kill Itachi? Didn't he tell me he'd refrained from killing his "best friend" in the Valley of the End on just a "whim"? Didn't he try to kill me in Orochimaru's hideout? Didn't he only stop because the snake bastard told him not to use 'that technique,' whatever the hell "that technique" is? So then why the hell is he here acting like he freaking cares about me!?'

…Were the questions the boy would have normally asked himself. But things weren't normal at all. And Sasuke's current location at the side of his bed was not what was horrifying him. His former best friend was wearing bright primary colors. I repeat. BRIGHT PRIMARY COLORS.

Yes. Sasuke was wearing bright primary colors. Okay, so he wasn't wearing all primary colors, and they weren't really that bright, because it would just be way too creepy and weird. It would give strange images that would make even Orochimaru shudder. He was wearing what looked like his old blue genin shirt, except it was a brighter blue and cut open in the front with a dark red turtleneck underneath. His shorts were almost the same as before with two orange stripes running down each side. Between each pair of yellow stripes was a zipper that extended two thirds of the way up from the bottom. Most importantly, he was wearing a hitai-ate with the Konoha leaf symbol on it. Which, as far as he could see, definitely didn't have the long scratch inflicted on it during the fight in the Valley of the End. Strange, but pretty much a billboard proclaiming, "This is not the real Sasuke!"

And then there was the most terrifying thing of all. The terrible thing that preceded over everything else was that…

…Sasuke was wearing a grin. Not an arrogantly infuriating smirk. A grin. A happy, happy, cheerful grin. On his face. Sasuke's face plus a genuine smile equaled…something…extremely wrong with the world. And so Naruto, in his bafflement, did the only thing he could think to do at that moment.

He screamed at the top of his lungs, "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH SASUKE!?"

Only to have him frown, cock his head to the side, and blink at Naruto in confusion with an eyebrow raised.

"Eh?"

Naruto just responded by shooting his arm out, pointing a shaking finger at Sasuke with his mouth hanging open. His eyes were the size of dishes. Or dishwashers, more accurately. Nevertheless, the poor, "innocent" Sasuke was left even more confused. His head was bent so far to the right that it almost looked like he would topple over onto the floor. Naruto's eye began twitching as he waited for the fake Uchiha to do something that would give him away. Then he'd pounce on the little fool for having the nerve to impersonate his former best friend. Oh yes, he would pay.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, whichever way you see it, he was interrupted by the sound of approaching footsteps. Naruto whipped his head towards the door, wondering who it was this time. He slowly lowered his arm, staring intently at the newly nicknamed, "portal of doom," which he now expected to shoot out some crazy polka, dotted, insane…abomination after seeing what it had spit out a moment before. The footsteps stopped, and a head covered with bright pink hair peered in. Sakura's face brightened vibrantly.

"Naruto! You're up!" She closed the door behind her and bolted into the room, forcing him into a bone crushing hug. "I was so worried about you!" The boy, although struggling to breathe, mentally sighed in relief. 'At least something's normal around here…' he thought. "S–Sakura,"he managed to choke out. "You can let go of me now."

"Oh! Sorry about that! Well that was scatterbrained of me," she laughed sheepishly. "How are you feeling? Apparently, Sasuke found you unconscious in the woods yesterday. The doctors already took a look at you. They said you were fine and there was nothing to worry about. They're just going to do another check up, and you'll be out in a few hours!"

"Yeah, I'm feeling great! My head hurts a little, but…wait, Sasuke what!?"

"Umm. He found you out in the woods? And brought you back? Hehe. You're lucky to have such a great friend like him. He was looking for you all day yesterday. We kept telling him to rest and that we'd look for you instead, but he wouldn't listen! I wonder if Ino would ever go so far for me," she mused. Sasuke just remained stading behind her scratching the back of his head, averting his eyes, embarrassed.

Naruto could not believe what he was hearing. Sasuke would never have done anything of the sort for him. He was a missing nin who'd betrayed his own village in his search for power. He had tried to kill him for god's sake! And here, the two were acting like nothing had ever happened! Naruto wasn't complaining about it, but it just…felt wrong. It would have been great if Sasuke had never run away. It would have been great if he really did do this for him. It would have been great if they really were all together again. But something just wasn't right.

Naruto closed his eyes. He had been so caught up in his surprise that he'd actually forgotten to try and recall what truly happened the day before. Ah! That's right! He'd gone after Sasuke to try and save him! And then…

–Flashback–

His head jerked upwards when he heard Itachi begin to speak.

"…It seems you really don't want to listen. In that case…" He stepped forward, and in a flash, to Naruto's surprise, reappeared directly in front of him. His index finger rested on Naruto's forehead, under the hitai-ate.

"…Sleep."

–End–

His eyes shot open. That…that sorry excuse for a shinobi had put him under a genjutsu! He frowned. But that still made no sense. Why would Itachi put him under a genjutsu like this? The last one had been so torturous and painful...Why? If anything, something like this would make him happy…happy…so that...he wouldn't want to break it! That made sense! Naruto visibly smirked, clearly proud of himself. Now all he had to do was disrupt his chakra flow like Ero-sennin had taught him to…'Crap. This is that Itachi bastard's genjutsu. Fixing this stupid chakra thingie's going to be easier said than done.' He face palmed. 'Well, couldn't hurt to try!'

So he concentrated. And tried. And unfortunately, he eventually failed.

'Crap…' All he had managed to accomplish was to send everything around him into disarray and earn the strange looks his "friends" were now giving him.

Now, there was a thick and awkward silence that none of them dared break. Naruto took the time to think things over again.

'Meh. Looks like I'll be stuck here for a while. Might as well make my stay comfortable. I'll just play along for a little bit…and keep them from thinking that I'm the weird one around here. I just have to wait until Sakura-chan, Kakashi-sensei, Baa-chan, or whoever else wakes me up…'

He forced on his trademark grin. "Sorry 'bout that! I guess I was…still…HALF ASLEEP! Yeah! That's it!" He flipped onto his back, and then kicked his legs out, landing onto the ground with his fists pumped into the air. "Now how 'bout that check up!" Naruto marched towards the door, ignoring the fact that Sakura and Sasuke were staring at him as if he had grown a third head. As he reached for the doorknob, the door suddenly slammed open, straight into his face. Naruto fell backwards, with his eyes shut in pain, clutching his nose. 'Oww…that hurt!'

Naruto squirmed backwards, with his eyes still closed. 'Agh! Who is it now!? I suppose it'll be Sai all dressed in pink declaring that Neji has proposed to Lee and that he's the flower girl.' He shuddered at the image, wondering where the heck it came from.

"Oh my god! Naruto! I'm so sorry! Are you okay? Oh no. Your nose is bleeding. And it might be broken…" The newcomer slapped his face. "I am such an idiot. Here, let me see that nose," he said, reaching out his hand.

From the voice, the newcomer was obviously a man…he had a low-pitched voice. It was serene and earnestly concerned, although it didn't seem familiar. Though…the gentleness he felt from it was slightly reminiscent of Iruka-sensei's…

"Naruto?"

'Aw, heck. It couldn't be that bad.' He resigned himself to cracking an eye open. He was still suspicious, but whatever it was, hopefully, the person in front of him wouldn't knock him out from sheer surprise and/or shock.

Plonk.

Nope. Didn't work. He fell to the ground unconscious anyway.

"Naruto!"

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Haruno Sakura had seen many, many strange things. Especially after meeting the one known as Uzumaki Naruto.

She had first seen him when she was around five or six years old. Naruto was known for having a mischievous streak, whether it was poking someone in the side and running away before he could be caught, or defacing the Hokage monument. Despite her annoyed expression and her scathing remark of "He is such a child," at the time, her inner self had laughed quite a bit at Naruto's actions. He had always been the one to do the new and unthinkable, time and time again. Although what she really thought of him had been pushed away by her silly infatuation with Sasuke, he had admired Naruto. And she realized that she still did. The boy had done everything that everyone else had been too afraid to do. Everything she had been too afraid to do.

But now, here he was. In bed. Unable to do anything. Weak. Sakura understood his hatred of being bedridden perfectly. It left a person absolutely useless. The boy who had broken every barrier to get to where he stood today. A proud shinobi of Konoha. Forcibly dragged down to the pitiful level that she once held three years ago. The one who did nothing but cry. The one who couldn't do anything. But not anymore. She stood.

"Sorry, Naruto. I'll be back in a little while. I'll go get Sai to watch over you for a bit. I'll be right back. Okay?" She gave a small smile and left the room. Sai sat outside waiting on a bench. He looked up. "Yes?"

"Sai. Can you watch Naruto for a while? I need to check on the others' injuries. Be back in a minute!" Sakura said. She turned and ran down the hall in the other direction.

Without a word, Sai stood up and walked into Naruto's room. Only to see the blond boy sitting on the bed with his feet on the floor, staring incredulously at him as if he were all dressed in pink, declaring that Neji had proposed to Lee and that he was the flower girl.

Naruto bellowed, "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH SASUKE!?"

"…Huh?"

His friend responded by pointing a shaking finger at him with bugged out eyes and his jaw on the floor. Sai was now utterly and totally confused as Naruto's eye began twitching. 'What? Do I have something on my face? Does he think I'm one of the Akatsuki? Itachi? Wait, he said, 'who the hell are you.' …Wait, what?'

Then, Sakura barged in through the door and shut it behind her. "Sai? What's wrong? Oh! Naruto's up! Is he acting weird in any way?"

"Well…he…"

Naruto looked like someone had stuck a tree up his butt. But to both Sakura and Sai's relief, he relaxed.

And then he tensed again, shaking and making weird movements. His fingers slowly reached up to his throat, flexing in and out spastically. 'Almost like an invisible person was choking him…' Sakura thought.

"You can let go of me now," Naruto choked out. He relaxed again, and his head turned from an invisible being to Sakura. He smiled, and then his face went blank, as if listening to something attentively.

"Yeah, I'm feeling great! My head hurts a little, but…wait, Sasuke what!?"

"EH? Naruto? What's wrong with you?"

Now, Naruto looked shocked and slightly scared. About a minute later, he closed his eyes. They reopened in moments. He lowered his head and stared at the sheet contemplatively. He went on to do something Sakura had only seen him do back in their fight with Itachi in their mission to rescue Gaara. The air whipped around the room violently. And then it stopped. Naruto looked down at his hands dejectedly and clutched his them tightly.

He had obviously figured out that he was trapped in a genjutsu, or that it was at least a possibility. Unfortunately he couldn't possibly know that this wasn't a normal genjutsu. He could move. His actions were completely unpredictable, and whatever Naruto did while he was in this state would affect the real world even after the genjutsu was dispelled. Sakura and Sai couldn't help but think that this was exactly what Itachi had been planning.

Suddenly, Naruto put on a wide grin that threatened to split his face in half. Anyone who knew him well would realize that the smile was a little too wide. Their friend was obviously faking it.

"Sorry 'bout that! I guess I was…still…HALF ASLEEP! Yeah! That's it!" Yup. Definitely faking.

He jumped out of his bed, with his fists in the air. "Now how 'bout that check up!"

Aaaannnnnddd…now they were confused again.

Naruto grabbed a hold of the doorknob and was just about to leave, when the door suddenly swung open with great force to reveal Tsunade behind it, whose eyes widened in surprise. The boy, obviously in pain, shrunk backwards. When the sannin reached towards Naruto to apologize and take a look at his nose, he immediately fainted. Uh oh. That did not bode well.

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See? I warned you.

Yes, yes it's really Yondaime this time. Or is it…? Cackles evilly.

Is attacked by every Sasuke fan on the planet. Now. Why did I make Sasuke abnormally happy? Because that's just how Itachi made him to be. I have my reasons, which are undoubtedly ridiculous, and only understandable by me, for I am the idiot that wrote this. But for now, blame Itachi. I was trying to make him a little happier than he usually is, yet still in character…a little Naruto-ish, but still retaining qualities that define him as the real Sasuke. Well, he didn't talk much here, so I can't really tell if it worked or not. In all honesty, I don't think it did. Unless his lack of speaking counts. And now I'm rambling again. Great.

And ITACHI. What the hell is he planning? I don't have any idea myself. I'm pretty much just winging it right now. I'm still trying to decide if he really isn't that bad and has a good reason for the Uchiha massacre and joining Akatsuki, or if he really is an ass and has this uber complicated plan in effect. And the last chapter with him talking about Madara isn't helping. What do you think?

Ah, poor Naruto.

If my terrible writing skills annoy you as much as they annoy me, please leave a review as I am not exactly happy that I've practically failed every essay I've written so far this year. Dies. I wish I had grammar check…

The next chapter will be put up….eventually. I'm not going to say anything, because somehow everything I say turns into a lie. If I say it's going to be up in a month, it'll be up in a year. Please kill me.