Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the Sonic The Hedgehog franchise, and I hold the utmost respect for its creators and owners. This fanfic is meant purely for comedic value.
Sonic Talk
"Hello, and welcome to Sonic Talk, a special mini- series where some the stars of the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise come together to discuss some of the details and themes that are introduced. The show will be hosted by me, Miles 'Tails' Prower, as we debate our first topic. First off, we have Sonic the Hedgehog."
"Hey everybody! I'm glad to be here for the first episode ever!"
"Next, we have Knuckles the Echidna. He was willing to take a day off from his usual duties to be here with us."
"It was no problem. I'm just honored to have a chance to talk like this."
"Last, but not least, we have the most popular anti hero of the franchise, Shadow the Hedgehog."
"Hi."
"Now that the introductions are out of the way, let's see what the first topic will be."
Discussion One: The Most Bad-ass Character
"Let's begin with you Shadow. What are your thoughts?"
"I think this topic is a waste of time. Everybody knows that I'm the most bad-ass character in the series."
"Very interesting. What do you have to say to this, Sonic?"
"I say he needs to get rid of the highlights before he can make that claim."
"Hey, the red marks are natural!"
"Sure they are. I bet that mascara-looking red coloring near your eyes is natural too."
"Bite me."
Tails interrupted the dispute. "Wait a minute; it seems Knuckles wants to add his opinion."
"Yes I do. In terms of the most bad-ass character, I believe that it should be the first bad-ass character."
"Would you be referring to yourself?"
"I don't want to be conceited about it, but…"
Shadow stopped him right there. "No way you're the bad-ass. No effing way."
"Why not? I had the whole 'lone wolf' thing going on before you ever came along."
Shadow laughed at this. "Yeah, but now you're just the comic-relief guy."
"I am not comic-relief!"
"Actually, I agree with Shadow. Since Sonic Adventures 2, any scene with you talking to more than one person always results in a comedic cutscene." Sonic said.
"What?!"
"Also, anytime someone talks about you, it usually has comedic results." Tails said
"You're the host! You're supposed to be neutral!"
"Since this is a forum show, I get to voice my opinions."
"It's not my fault Sonic Team started changing my character for no reason!" Knuckles defended.
"They had a legitimate reason. They started changing you when I came in. My background gives me more of an excuse to be the 'lone wolf'." Shadow said.
"Very good point from Shadow." Tails said.
Shadow continued. "Notice that after Sonic Adventures 2 you were no longer focused upon as an individual. From then on, your significance became based on the roles you played as a member of a team. You don't even have a hand in advancing the stories anymore."
"He got you there, Knuckles." Sonic was enjoying this.
"Face it; even after decades of being present in the franchise, you never got your own video game. I, however, got my very own game after I appeared in only two other ones. Who would want to play as the last of some backwater race when you can be the ultimate life form?"
Knuckles leaned forward. "What about my theme songs? I'm the only character to use hip-hop for his theme songs. That automatically makes me hardcore."
Sonic rolled his eyes. "It would be hardcore, if your songs didn't suck. 'I like to dig holes in search gold'? 'Clench my fist tight, become more reddah'? 'I'm straight thugged out, only live to my ones'? Those lyrics should be illegal."
Knuckles slumped in his chair. "I hate everyone."
Shadow kept going. "Did I forget to mention that my video game had me using all kinds of vehicles and guns? I had to do use them to single-handedly stop an alien invasion, you know."
"That's what made your game so stupid. You might be able to defend the use of guns, but why the hell did you need vehicles? You skate at the speed of sound!" Sonic said.
"Of course it didn't make sense. It didn't have to. The driving was only used to make me look cooler. It helped solidify the fact that I am, indeed, the most bad-ass character to ever grace this pathetic series."
Knuckles got back up with a triumphant look in his eyes. "Not so fast. Let's look at your personality in your game."
"Uh-oh." Shadow definitely did not want to go there.
"Not only did your game use the most cliché plot device ever introduced to video games, but throughout the entire game, you were a complete –"
Shadow interrupted. "Before you say anything, I would like to clarify that I am not, and never was, an emo. I wasn't emo in Sonic Adventures 2, and I wasn't t emo in Shadow the Hedgehog. I was pissed and wanted revenge in the first game, and I had amnesia in the second one.
"I wasn't going to say that." Knuckles continued. "I was going to say that throughout the entire game, you were a complete tool and a freaking moron."
"Would you elaborate on your point. Knuckles?" Tails said.
"Gladly. In Shadow the Hedgehog, Shadow believed everything that everyone told him. Heck, he believed Eggman when he told him that he was an android."
"Once again; had amnesia, no memory. You have no leg to stand and need to shut up." Shadow said, aggravated.
"You don't need your memory to know if you're a living being or a robot, you idiot. Did you suddenly forget the fact that you were breathing the entire time? Wait, I forgot. You had amnesia, how could you have known that robots don't need to breathe? I mean, it makes perfect sense that you knew how to skate, drive a car and use Chaos Control, but you completely forgot that a robot is non-living."
"That's a low blow, man." Shadow was chocked up.
"It's about to get worse. Your amnesia made you bend over backwards to make everyone happy. You were told to get the Chaos Emeralds, so you got the Chaos Emeralds. You were asked to help find Cream, so you helped to find Cream. You were a complete and utter tool. Bad-asses are never tools. If you really were bad-ass, your amnesia would have made you completely untrusting and constantly angry, not an errand boy."
"Well – that is to say – I mean…"Shadow stammered.
Knuckles held his hand near his ear (under his spines). "I'm sorry, I can't understand you. Oh no! Shadow's got amnesia again! I've got an idea, let's all feed him complete bullcrap and ask him to do menial tasks. After all, his amnesia makes him forget how to have a backbone."
"…Bastard." Shadow crossed his arms and pouted.
"Nice comeback by Knuckles." Tails said. "Sonic, you haven't given your opinion yet. Who do you think is the bad-ass?"
"Forget those two clowns. It's me!" Sonic announced boldly.
Everyone stared at Sonic before bursting out into hysterical laughter.
"What's so damn funny!? I'm the main character; of course I'm the bad-ass. The entire franchise is named after me, for God sakes!"
Knuckles was able to calm down enough to forcibly talk. "Of course you're the most bad-ass character of the series. That's why you have such awesome sayings like, 'gotta blow Joe'!" He broke out into laughter again.
"Juice and jam!" Tails fell on the table in front of him and pounded his fist against it wildly.
"Gotta speed keed!" Shadow laughed so hard that he fell over the backrest of his chair and couldn't get up.
"Bummer majores!" Knuckles shouted out before sliding to his knees, holding his sides.
"UP, OVER, AND GONE!" All three screamed out before completely losing what was left of their composure.
"You don't understand! Those were different times! The corporation forced me to be kid friendly!"Sonic said desperately.
Tails was able to regain enough stature to stand up and wipe the tears from his eyes. "Sorry, we really need to keep this professional. Your points really are valid." He placed an understanding hand on Sonic's shoulder.
"Really?" Sonic said hopefully.
"Sure. You're so bad-ass that, (snort), they got Urkel to be your voice actor!"
The three were sent back into completely immobilizing fits of laughter once again. This time for five minutes straight.
Tails got back up breathing heavily. "Well, that's all the time we have. Before we go, I would like to announce that in my personal opinion, the biggest bad-ass in the series is… Mephiles the Dark!"
When it seemed that everybody else was about to object, they all paused and shook their heads in both agreement and defeat.
"See you next time everyone!"
A/N: If you would like to suggest a topic to discuss, then send your requests. Thank you, and please review.