This is who we are.
Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…
Spoilers: none.
AN/ First of all, I am SO sorry it took so long for me to update… I just hit a brick wall and couldn't write anything remotely post-able.
But alas I think my writers block is gone, thank god, and I will try to update regularly again. Now that schools over that should be easier, but I do have 'important' exams for the next 3 weeks so I have to study a lot.
Dedicated to Liza and IrigD for helping me get past the writers block and being awesome!!
As usual any mistakes let me know (it hasnt been beta'd)
Anyway, thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing.
I can't believe I've written 50,000 words on this thing, and I've gotten nearly 300 reviews. So thank you.
Chapter 33
Collide
In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love.
Diego Marchi
CMCMCM
Hotch smiled at the cute scene before him. It was not every day that he was privy to such tender displays, not in their line of work. His heart had skipped a beat when he returned and Emily was nowhere to be found, but his ever observant mind quickly noted JJ's door was ajar and assumed that was where she had gone. Now, standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, Hotch simply watched the three women sleep. It was good that they had finally found solace and he was glad Emily was getting some proper sleep, even if she was sitting on an uncomfortable looking chair while doing so.
Reid had left some time ago to pick up Morgan and Garcia from the airport, and he knew they would be back soon, but he couldn't pull himself away from the room. There was something soothing about the way they were positioned, drawing comfort from each other like they had been doing it forever. He was glad for them, and proud of them, but he was also slightly jealous of them. What he would do to be able to just walk in there and join them, but that was unethical, not to mention against department policy, but the main reason he couldn't join them was because he worried anyone else's presence would break the atmosphere they had created.
"Hotch" Reid greeted uncomfortably, drawing his attention away from the room. He nodded quickly at Reid who seemed to disappear into thin air as he moved his attentions to the remaining agent and analyst.
"What on earth did you think you were doing? Getting on a plane and flying to the other side of the country without telling me… it was irresponsible and dangerous."
"Sir, we're sorry, but we thought if we told you you wouldn't let us go" Garcia apologized quickly
"Where exactly did you go?" Hotch suddenly asked
"JJ's high school… in Washington State" Garcia replied
"Why did she go to school in Washington State, she's from Pittsburgh"
"Umm" Garcia looked away guiltily
"It wasn't exactly…" the look Hotch gave him was enough to make Morgan reconsider stalling any longer "It was a school for troubled teens"
Hotch stood stunned for a few moments "Did you find anything?"
"Well…"
"My names Peter Scarbrow and this is my wife Sophie" Peter said as he appeared behind Morgan, offering his hand to the irritated agent.
"Peter and Sophie own Mt. Horizon, the school JJ went to"
"And what are they doing here?" Hotch asked, very confused.
"We wanted to see Shelby…" Sophie said
"Well she's not-"
"We know everything, your agents have explained the situation and we thought we could help… we know Shelby better than most"
"They obviously haven't explained the situation very well then" Hotch said, sending Morgan a scorching glare
"Please, we just want to see her" Sophie begged
"Well she's asleep at the moment, but when she wakes-"
"Peter, Sophie?!"
"Jess" Sophie called happily, pulling the woman into a tight hug
"I never thought I'd see her again" she said starting to sob
"But we've found her" Sophie said gently
"Have we?" Jess said, calming herself
"What do you mean?" Peter asked
"Well she's…"
"She's what?" he urged
"She's awake" Emily said quietly from the doorway causing the hallway to become deathly quiet. Jess shared an anxious look with what Emily assumed were the Scarbrows and it suddenly occurred to her that they weren't really sure how to approach the situation, or JJ. Were they to call her JJ, or Shelby because that's how they knew her? Was it selfish to want to know why she hadn't contacted them in the last 7 years, just so they knew she was ok…
"Can we see her?" Emily's thoughts were interrupted by the blonde woman and she nodded gingerly before leading them into the room.
"JJ, you have some-"
"Jess! What are you- Peter- Sophie, why-"
"Whoa, slow down sweetie" Sophie said as she moved to hold JJ's hand.
"It's just, it's been so long… I didn't- how did you know?" JJ directed the last part to Emily who shrugged
"Garcia"
"Course" JJ replied. Emily was glad to note the happiness in her voice, and in her eyes, she hadn't seen much in those haunted eyes in a long time.
"I'm gonna leave you guys alone for a minute" Emily said mostly to herself as she moved towards the door.
"Em wait!" JJ called from the bed and she turned questioningly "Em, this is Peter and Sophie Scarbrow- the closest thing I had to parents growing up" she started introducing and Emily smiled slightly to them "And this is Jess, my little sister" she announced proudly, shooting her sister a smile before looking back at Emily.
"We already met, sort of" Jess said and JJ looked questioningly between them.
"We fell asleep in the chairs, and you were still asleep when we woke up…" Emily explained
"So I told her some embarrassing stories for you" Jess giggled and JJ shot her a dirty look "You're just lucky I didn't have any photos with me!"
Emily smiled again before excusing herself to talk to Hotch, slightly worried with the ease at which JJ reconnected with them. To be fair, Jess was her sister, and she introduced Peter and Sophie as her de facto parents, but she worried about how she was dealing with her two worlds colliding, especially now.
"How's it going in there?" Hotch asked pulling up a chair for her.
"I'm worried"
"Why?"
"They're getting on like a house on fire… and I'm not sure they should be. Screaming, shouting, tears, accusations, that would be normal… but they're acting like nothing happened" Emily started
"Maybe they are just trying to move past it all"
"But you and I both know that they are only prolonging it… they can't fully move on until they've confronted her"
"I know" he admitted
"And you're not worried?" she asked confused
"Peter and Sophie have been doing this for a long time, they know what they're doing… they know when to push and how far to go. I think we just need to trust them to help her" Hotch said resignedly
"I don't like being so helpless… I want to do something"
"You've done all you can for the moment, it's up to them now"
"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that" Emily confessed
"Unfortunately we don't have much of a choice anymore… JJ obviously trusts them, we just have to trust her judgment and hope they can get through to her."
"I guess so"
"You ready Hotch?" Morgan called as he and Garcia approached them.
"Ready for what?" she questioned
"We've had a sighting, they were pulled over for speeding in Knoxville a few hours ago but the cop didn't realize who it was until after he'd let them go"
"Knoxville?"
"They're heading in the direction of the boarder" Morgan asserted
"It's a little early to assume that" Hotch reminded "But we should head out"
"Hey" Emily called and they turned to look at her "bring the bastard back alive"
"Count on it" Morgan replied as they disappeared around the corner.
"I'm gonna plot their likely route for our boys" Garcia explained quickly as she rushed to set up her computer.
"I can't wait to see the look in that bastards eye when I'm the one holding the gun" Emily muttered to herself as she settle into a chair outside JJ's room, wondering what was going on inside, but not daring to look.
XXX
The silence that followed Emily's exit was deafening, there were so many questions they didn't ask, so much silence that JJ just wanted to scream to stop the ringing in her ears and the guilt that was invading her already shattered soul.
"Why did you leave me again?"
Jess' fragile voice permeated the silence, and JJ was slightly shocked, she didn't expect Jess would be the one to speak first.
"Why?" Jess cried, desperate for an answer she knew she couldn't give.
"I… I don't know" she stuttered, trying to find something she could use to justify her actions.
"How can you not know?" Jess accused
"I don't know, Ok, I just don't know!" JJ replied frustrated
"No it's not ok Shelby" JJ froze at the mention of her old name "I don't know how you can abandon your sister for years and not know why you did it!"
"Jess I… I had to. They made me leave, for my protection and for yours"
"But you didn't have to stay, you could have come back years ago, but you didn't… you left me with him, just like you did when we were kids" JJ visibly flinched and wiped a stray tear from her cheek.
"Don't do that, don't you dare do that Jess… I'm sorry, so sorry for leaving you when we were younger, I really thought he would keep his promise and I was stupid for believing him, but I can't change what happened. Don't you think I would if I could? But we can't go back in time, we can't change what happened… we just have to deal with it the best way we know how"
"So you ran away!" Jess stated and JJ could swear she saw a nod from Peter, damn him.
"It's all I know" she replied sadly, looking away from them all.
"Shel, you know running away doesn't solve anything" Peter said gently
"I know"
"So why did you?" he asked curiously
"Because I didn't want to be a victim anymore… all my life I was a victim, Shelby was a victim, I just wanted a fresh start… I wanted to become the person I would have been if Walt had never been a part of our lives." She cried, begging him to understand.
"That's a beautiful dream sweetie, but what he did to you will always be there…" Sophie said softly
"You've gotta stop this Shelby-JJ thing. You're one person, and even though Shelby's gone now, she's still a part of you JJ. You can never fully get rid of your past" Peter added, using JJ instead of Shelby now.
"I think I always knew that… but it was nice to pretend for a while" she confessed
"But you can't fool your heart, right?" Sophie said sincerely
"Right" JJ confirmed, remembering the first time Sophie told her that, and acknowledging the truth in her words.
"Soph, why don't you and Jess go get something to eat" Peter said after a moment's hesitation.
"Sure, c'mon" Sophie replied putting an arm around Jess and leading her out of the room.
"Wow Peter, could you get any more obvious" JJ joked
"Hey, I wasn't really going for subtle" he laughed
"You, subtle? Never" she teased lightly
"How are you holding up?" he asked seriously
"Honestly?"
"No, I want you to lie to me" he said slightly sarcastically and JJ wondered if he hadn't picked up something from her after all.
"I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment… it's a bit like being back at Horizon, all these emotional confrontations and everything" she looked pointedly at him and he grinned "everyone wants to know what I'm thinking and feeling all the time, and mostly I don't know how I'm feeling…"
"It's a lot to deal with, especially after deluding yourself for so long"
"Deluding myself? Harsh much!"
"Well it's true, all of this was just a way to trick yourself into believing the lies you told."
"Is this supposed to be helping?"
"You went a long time pretending to be something you weren't, lying to all your friends and letting them believe what they wanted to, and now it's all out in the open and that's a lot to deal with" Peter continued, trying to get his point across.
"Part of me is glad they know, so that I don't have to lie to them anymore, and part of me wishes they could go on believing I'm their innocent media liaison because I don't think I can take their pity much longer" JJ admitted
"It's not pity, its sympathy, empathy… they're not innocent either, everyone has their demons to contend with. You were just so good at pretending you didn't have any that it's going to take some time for them to adjust."
"I don't want them to think that I can't do my job now or to worry every time we have a case that hits a little too close to home…"
"I'm sure they worried before all this came out too"
"They used to worry because they expected everything to hit me harder, because I was the 'innocent' one, now they'll worry because I'm the damaged one."
"You can't honestly tell me your coworkers aren't damaged… they wouldn't be doing what they do if they weren't."
"I guess your right" she conceded
"I may not agree with your method, but I'm really proud of the way you're handling all of this. I know seeing Walt again must have been awful, but I'm so proud of how far you've come and the person you are." He added, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder
"Stop it you're gonna make me cry" JJ joked as she wiped her eyes quickly, trying to hide the tears his words provoked.
"I mean it Shel…JJ. Sorry, it's going to take some getting used to."
"It's ok"
"Well I better go tell them it's safe to come back in now." he smiled and she nodded while trying, unsuccessfully, to stifle a yawn.
"Why don't you get some rest and we'll come back later"
"Please stay?" she begged
"Ok, but get some sleep" he urged, stroking her hair lightly a few times before getting comfortable in the chair beside her bed.
XXX
A man stood at the nurses' station tapping his fingers against the bench impatiently as he waited for them to help him.
"Yes sir" someone finally asked
"I'm looking for Jennifer Jareau" he replied quickly
"Uh, down the hall third door on the right, may I ask-" when she looked up again he was gone. "You're welcome" she muttered before going back to her paperwork.