Summary: AU. We moved to get away from the craziness of city life. But Mom didn't know that moving us out to the suburbs would land me with the hot Roxas, his psycho twin who wants to castrate me, and their freaky man-parents. AkuRoku, RikuSora, Zemyx.
Disclaimer: If I owned Kingdom Hearts, Re:CoM and KHII:FM wouldn't have been Japan-only merchandise. :P Seriously. That sucks ass…like…like über ass. Like…like…Cartman-ass. XD
Warnings: Yaoi/slash, general bad attempts at humour, and vulgar jokes and language.
Rant: XDDD I cannot tell you guys how much fun I had writing this. I know I always complain about how I can't write humour for jackshit, but this one just came naturally. Granted, this is my humour, and I dunno how you guys'll take to it, so, we'll see what happens.
This is the first of two Kingdom Hearts AUs that I've got planned out. (AUs as in things that don't even vaguely resemble the games. Heh, not like 'Twilight'. Sorry, guys. This isn't anything like that. XD ) :scratches head: There's not much else to say other than that. :sheepish grin: Proceed onwards!

Started: November 22, 2007.
Completed: November 26, 2007.

Once upon a time…

…

Nah, I'm just kidding.

It's Like Hell
(…except worse.)
The Beginning of the End
(…seriously.)

I laid sprawled out across the middle row of my mom's Mom-mobile, one of my legs dangling over the overstuffed violet suitcase in the seat next to me, the other buried under a pile of my mom's stuffed animals. Outside the window, oddly-coloured golden-bricked buildings and the blinding horizon flashed by. But that's just me being poetic about junk. I really couldn't see any of that shit out the window. My mom, you see, has always had a terrible case of road rage. For a tiny woman, she's actually kinda terrifying behind the wheel of her huge-ass minivan, what with all the speeding and the riding of bumpers and the general swearing.

God. I love you, Mom.

Well… Except for on this day. Y'see, Mom had just decided to move us out from the 'hood of Midgar to this lame-ass suburb on the other end of the province, past Twilight Town and just outside of Hollow Bastion.

Mom, as per usual, wasn't looking at the road at all, and was instead admiring the view. "Isn't Twilight Town beautiful?" she gushed dreamily.

I blew a bubble and popped it. "No way, Mom," I said flatly as I scrolled through the songs on my iPod. "This place is fucking creepy."

Mom snorted. "Then be happy we're not moving here," she said simply.

This time, I snorted. "The fact that we're moving anywhere is hardly something to be happy about. Seriously, Mom, Midgar was freaking awesome." I glanced over at the back of the driver's seat, and I could just catch a glimpse of Mom's strawberry-coloured hair between her headrest and the seat itself. "I mean, dude, I could away with murdering that prick, Professor Vexen, and nobody would even care!"

Mom sighed tiredly. "Really, Axel," she was saying, "I don't know why you're treating this move like it's the end of the world—"

"Aw, dude, the End of the World Theme Park is so fucking sweet!"

"Axel, don't interrupt me."

Reno snickered at my expense, so I kicked the back of his seat in retaliation. Haha! He will rue the day he stole my rightful place at shotgun! (Insert evil laugh here.)

"Ahem," Mom said loudly, spinning around in her seat to glare at me—and running a red-light in the process. When she had most of my attention, she continued: "Really, Axel," she reprimanded, "stop being a drama queen and quit sulking. You're seventeen, now. Why can't you be more mature, like your brother?" she complained, turning back to actually watch the road.

Reno smirked at me from the passenger seat, so I kicked the back of his seat again. He scowled at me, and turned to Mom, plastering a horribly wide grin over his smug face. "I know, Mom," he drawled. "I suppose that some people just never grow up…"

I flipped him the bird.

Mom tore her eyes off the road to glare at me through the rear-view mirror. "I saw that, Axel," she barked at me, then, to Reno: "Don't be a kiss-ass, boy."

Reno put on a face of abashed and violated disgust. "God, Mom!" he shrieked. "Kiss your ass? Hell, no! That's fucking nasty, woman!"

"Shut up, asshole," Mom said lazily. "My ass is way hot."

This was my turn to be repulsed. "No, it's not!" I groaned. "Maybe twenty years ago it was hot shit, but that was then, and this is now. And I'm tellin' ya, lady, nobody would tap that."

"Yeah, Ma," Reno agreed. "Even Axel's ass is more fuckable than yours."

"Up yours, dickface!" Mom screeched. "My ass is freaking awesome!! My ass totally pwns both of your asses!! It's goddamn fan-ass-tic!"

Me and Reno laughed at this, and Mom ended up cracking up, too. And it was all cool. Except, not really, 'cause the old hag ended up suspending us from watching television for a week. Obviously, we complained for the next hour and a half.

But, yeah, that's the way my family rolls. It's not Disney, but, I mean, God, what do you expect from a trio of opinionated, potty-mouthed redheads with short tempers?

After another two hours of speeding and running red-lights, we landed in the heart of Hollow Bastion; and I gotta tell you, Hollow Bastion was way cooler to drive through than that sleepy Twilight Town. Hollow Bastion was actually…well, awake. It was kinda like Midgar, except cleaner and with shorter buildings. There were people running around all over the place, and the traffic was horrible. Mom, despite the fact that she hates traffic with a passion the size of a relatively-large continent, seemed rather giddy about the whole situation. She was practically reliving her whole childhood, I guess. Before she moved out to Destiny Islands, she used to live in the Bastion. Apparently not much had changed, 'cause she was gleefully pointing out all the hangouts from back in the Stone Age.

"Ooh, ooh!" she squealed, bouncing up and down in her seat like a five year old. "Look over there, boys! See that ice cream shop over there?" She grabbed Reno by his ponytail and jerked him from his seat, across the gears, and across her lap so he could see out her window. "Do you see it, sweetie?"

Reno grunted the best sort of affirmative he could manage with his face pressed against the glass.

Mom looked back at me, excitement in her violet-blue eyes. "Axel, do you see it?"

She looked really happy, and I knew that if I put her out of that mood, she'd rip my tongue out, so I glanced over out the window and looked for it. "You mean that greenish-yellow-coloured dump over there with the broken windows that's been egged and has the 'For Sale' sign beneath all the graffiti?"

Mom's eyes narrowed. Oops, maybe I said the wrong thing…?

But, maybe not, because her eyes brightened and she smiled that same scary smile that made her look like a chainsaw-murderer. She nodded energetically, "Yes, that's it!" she said exuberantly. "I remember; that's the place where they first invented the sea-salt ice cream flavour!" She laughed loudly, "salty and sweet!"

Reno made a humming sound of recognition against the window. "You mean those blue popsicle sticks that taste like semen?"

I sniggered. "Of course, you know what semen tastes like…"

"Shut up, cocksucker!" Reno shouted, jumping up and hitting his head on the roof of the Mom-mobile.

"Ehhhh? I think we have a misunderstanding, brother-dearest," I said with an innocent, wide-eyed look. "After all, you're the one who knows what semen tastes like, not me…"

"Fuck you!"

"No, no, no," I said with a grin, "fuck you."

"Axel, when I get back there, I'll—"

"Reno, shut your face," Mom said in a rather uninterested way. She shoved him back in his seat and accelerated the car through a perilous jam, driving on the wrong side of the road and getting cussed out—and cussing other people out—in four different languages.

"So, whatever happened to that ice cream shop?" I asked idly, looking to bring up the conversation, again. "Sea-salt ice cream is a pretty popular flavour in Twilight Town…"

Reno clicked his tongue. "That's 'cause all the queers live there."

I cackled. "Of course, you know that…"

"Shut up!"

"Reno, what happened to you being mature?" Mom muttered with a sigh as she grabbed his shirt collar in her iron grip to keep him from killing me. She glanced over at me and nodded. "Twilight Town did take the flavour a lot better than Hollow Bastion—"

"Gee, I wonder why, Reno…" I sang.

Mom glared at me. "Don't make me sic Reno on you, Axel," she warned. When I didn't make any further provocations at my fuming brother, she continued with her story. "Anyway, Hollow Bastion didn't really take to the flavour, and since the guy in charge was too cheap to buy any ingredients but table salt and sugar, that was the only flavour he could make. So, he ended up having to sell the joint."

Reno, who had calmed down considerably, looked surprised at this. "Why hasn't anyone bought it? The real estate isn't bad."

"I'm not really sure why," Mom admitted. "I think it was because the shop itself was made from those yellow bricks."

I blanched. "They wouldn't buy it just because it was a little ugly?"

Mom raised her eyebrows. "Axel, have you seen that place? That building is hella ugly…"

"God, Mom," Reno groaned, "you're so shallow."

"Hey!" Mom pouted, putting on an expression of false-hurt. Then, she leered. "I married your father, didn't I?"

Mom and Dad got a divorce a number of years back, like when I was four. See, Dad was one of the head honchos at the Shinra Electric Power Company in Midgar, and instead of being married to Mom, it was like he was married to his job.

Mom eventually got pissed off with his neglect with being a husband and father and told him to take a hike. The custody of me 'n Reno obviously resulted with her winning, and she took on the job of being a very crazed single mom.

I don't think anyone else could have done a better job.

"Mom, I love you," I said adoringly.

"Are you high?"

Seriously. I love this woman.

"Hey, Ma," Reno said, pointing out his window, "is that the university campus?"

Mom craned her neck over to get a better view. "Yeah, that's Hollow Bastion University," she confirmed. "Good ol' HBU."

I leaned over the violet suitcase to get a better look at what he was pointing at. The university campus was made up of a small cluster of squat buildings in a variety of different colours and shapes. It honestly looked like the architect had been some dysfunctional four year old, the whole place looked like a bunch of precariously stacked building blocks.

Reno apparently shared my sentiments. "Do they have a thing for the arts or something?" he asked.

Mom looked rather surprised at this question. "Why would you think that?" she wondered aloud.

Gee, maybe because it looks like a bad attempt at modern art?

"I dunno," Reno said slowly—probably afraid of upsetting Mom. Wuss. "I was just wondering…"

Mom raised an eyebrow and shook her head. "No… It's actually a wonderful school to get into if you want to study the sciences. The University of Twilight Town or the Curly Hill College are where you go for the arts." She paused for a moment. "Although, Atlantica School of Music is the best for music and the performing arts, and—"

"God, Ma, I didn't ask for a dissertation on all the colleges on this side of the planet. Geez." Reno rolled his eyes, and Mom narrowed hers.

"Hey, Reno," I said suddenly. "Are you still gonna apply for business at Junon College, like Dad wanted?"

Reno blinked, apparently surprised. "I haven't thought about it, actually," he mumbled sheepishly. "I don't think so, though…" He shrugged. "I never was one for business. I guess he just wanted me to work at Shinra with him."

Mom snorted. "He'd have us all living there, if he could," she muttered caustically.

Reno laughed. "But, nah. I think I'll go into the sciences or something." He grinned at me. "I've always wanted to study under Ansem Weiss," he said brightly.

Mom giggled. "Don't blow yourself up in the process."

I smirked at this. "He'll be blowing something, all right…"

"Shut your face, fucker!" Reno raged.

"Be nice to your brother," Mom scolded us at the same time.

"Yeah," Reno snickered as he relaxed. "You don't hear me making fun of your fruity aspiration to write a book."

I smiled pleasantly at him. "Fuck you."

"Ha, you wish."

"Ma," I said loudly, "Reno's being a whore."

"Hey!" Reno shouted. "I'm not even half the whore you are!" he retorted.

To this, I laughed. "Ha! The joke's on you!" I exclaimed. "I'm not a whore, I'm a slut! It's totally different. We don't get paid."

Mom groaned and mournfully looked up at the sky through the moon roof. "Lord," she said sombrely, "what did I do to deserve this?"

"Geez, Ma," Reno laughed, "You're the one who brought it upon yourself. You put it quite plainly: you married Dad."

Mom sniggered in agreement.

Another two hours later—fucking traffic—had us driving through some little suburb. I think. I wasn't really paying attention. I was too busy playing Castle Soul: String of Recollections on my special limited-edition Castle Soul GBA to really notice. (C'mon, how many of you guys have played Castle Soul? You all know it's fucking addicting. Seriously, what is it with Circle-Enix and their freakishly amazing games? I mean, damn, I thought I'd seen it all with those Last Dream games… Damn those insanely genius bastards. Damn them.)

"Are we there, yet?" I asked, my eyes basically glued to the tiny screen as a tiny, pixelated Miyu beat the shit out of a tiny, pixelated Lamuria.

"Almost," Mom replied. "We've got about ten more minutes. Look, we've just entered our new town. See, boys? Welcome to Radiant Garden." I think she must have made some grand, sweeping gesture, but like I said, I wasn't really watching.

Reno chuckled. "What a fruity name…" I heard him snort as tiny!Lamuria wounded tiny!Miyu's HP with a barrage of speck-like rose thorns. Stupid pink-haired bastard.

Suddenly, Mom's cellphone hit me right on the head, bounced off, and rolled under the duffle on the floor. I quickly paused the game and clutched at the quickly-forming bump on my head. "Ouch, goddammit! What the hell was that for, Mom?!" I griped.

Reno was smirking from his seat. "Weren't you paying attention, Ass-el?" he drawled.

"Don't call me that, bitch." God. He never let that one mispronunciation go! I was two!!

"Axel," Mom said, "I need directions on how to get to our house from here." She was actually paying attention to the street names, too. This is how I knew she was being serious.

"So? What am I supposed to do about that? I've never been here before," I said blankly, just wanting to get back to my game. Geez, they were screwing up my time…

"You're such a nincompoop," Reno muttered. "Obviously she wants you to call that friend of hers."

I blinked. "Friend?" I gave Mom an appalled look. "I didn't know you have friends!"

Mom glowered at me. "Don't make me kill you."

I laughed uneasily and sank back into my seat again, reaching over with an arm to find her phone. When I finally fished it out from beneath the duffle and between the empty packets of pocky, I flipped it open. "Who do I call?"

"Look for Sora Quirke," Mom said immediately. "He's my childhood friend from back on the island. It's quite a coincidence that his cell number is still the same… God, we haven't even caught up yet—oh, I'm just surprised that he actually moved out here…" She shrugged. "I guess I always expected him to stay out there on that play island, you know? Hollow Bastion always seemed like something Riku would do, not Sora—"

"Mom, it's nice that you're trying to prove to us that you actually did have a social life, but, um, yeah. It's not," I said pointedly.

Mom gave me the finger.

I gave her a scrutinising look. "Nice," I said flatly. "But, seriously, what do I ask?"

"Tell him I'm coming to the intersection of Bailey and Great Crest, heading east. We're moving in just next door to him, so he should be able to direct us."

"Okay." I flipped through her address book until I came upon Sora Quirke—heheh, funny name…—and I hit the call button for his home number. After two rings, the phone was picked up.

"Hello?"

I almost hung up. The voice on the other line sounded like that of a teenager, not some old guy like Mom.

"Is this some kind of prank call?" the voice on the other end asked sourly, "because if it is, you guys can just go and screw yourselves, I'm not laughing."

Ouch. Maybe this was a teenager.

"Erm," I said.

"What?" the voice asked grumpily. "Can I hang up now?"

"No! No!" I cried hysterically, causing Reno to laugh at me. "This is Kairi van Alderliesten! I'm a friend of Sora Quirke!"

There was a moment of silence on the other end, then, "I'm pretty sure that Pop said Kairi was a girl, not some teenaged boy with a cracking voice."

"Aw, don't be mean…" I whined.

The voice scoffed. "Whatever. Who the hell are you?"

"I'm…uhh…uhh…" Shit! What the hell's my name?!

The voice had apparently had it. "Okay, that's it, fucker. I'm hanging up—" There was a brief scuffling sound, then a soft conversation on his end of the line. But, oddly, the conversation was taking place between the same person. I mean, it was the same voice and everything…

"Don't be so rude, man!…God, can't you see this just some joke?…No, Pop did say the Van Alderliesten's were moving in… So?…So, maybe this is one of Kairi's sons? Pop did say she had two…Che, do what you like, man. I'm outta here…Fine. I'll talk to him. Hello?"

I jumped when I realised that the last bit was directed at me. "Erm, hi," I said lamely. "Please don't hang up."

"Don't worry, man," the voice laughed and I couldn't help but feel confused. Seriously, talk about a split personality. "Sorry about him…he's kinda pissy today. He had some fight with his boyfriend or something…" The voice trailed off, and left me blinking stupidly and trying to digest what I'd just heard. My mind was kind of scrambled. All that I was registering was: Boyfriend? and What? and Why the hell was he talking about himself in third person? and The neighbour's kid is gay? Sick. Reno—that poor, sex-depraved ass—can finally get some!

"Hey," the voice called out, "you still there?"

"Uh, yeah." I cleared my throat hastily. "This is Axel van Alderliesten. I'm one of Kairi's sons."

The voice laughed, and I felt shivers shoot down my neck. Geez. What a scary bastard. "Yeah, I kinda figured," he said pleasantly. "So, what's up? Y'know, my Pop did say that you guys were coming. Heh, he's been bouncing off the walls all day…"

"Your pop?" I asked dumbly.

(Mom spun around and gave me an astonished look. "Sora has kids?!" she shrieked.)

"Yeah! Heh, he's been gushing about how it's been so long since he's seen Kairi, and blah, blah, blah…" He laughed again.

"Eh heh…your pop?" I said unintelligently.

The voice seemed to find this amusing. "Yeah. Sora," he explained obviously.

"Oh, ha. I knew that." God, I'm such a loser!

"I'm sure you did," the voice chuckled.

I laughed awkwardly, ignoring the gagging noises Reno was making in the passenger seat.

"So, what can I help you with, Axel?" the voice asked.

Oh. That's right. I completely forgot.

"Uh, yeah," I said. "We need directions to your house. We're moving in next door."

"Sick!" the voice exclaimed. "That'll be great! Dude, you guys are the one's moving into Ursula's—that witch's—house?"

"I guess…?" Oh. My. God. Was it not possible to make a total fool of myself with this guy? I sounded like such a retard… (Insert face-palm.)

"Sure, man, it's no problem. Where are you guys?"

"Uh…" I shot a helpless look at Reno and he rolled his eyes.

"Intersection of Bailey and Great Crest, douche," he drawled.

"We're at the intersection of Bailey and Great Crest," I told the voice while giving Reno the finger.

The voice hummed. "You guys are really close," he commented. "Heading east, right?"

I nodded, than felt like an idiot, because he obviously couldn't see me nod. "Yeah."

"Okay, keep following the Bailey for about half a mile, then make a left at the stoplight onto Postern."

"Okay," I said, and I repeated the instructions for Mom.

"Gotcha," Mom said with a thumbs up sign as she sped down the road and through the red-light, leading us into a small town.

"'Kay," I said to the voice. "We're on Postern."

"Really?" he sounded surprised. "That was fast…" he mused. "It should've taken you guys at good five minutes…"

I laughed awkwardly. "My Mom's a very special driver," I said, ducking as an empty Moonbucks cup went hurtling at me from the driver's seat.

The voice 'ahh'ed in understanding. "So's my Pop," he said sympathetically. "Anyway, follow Postern for two miles, then make a right turn onto High Tower. From High Tower, just go straight for five miles until you hit the library."

I said 'okay' and reiterated the instructions for Mom.

"So," the voice said, "why're you guys moving out here, anyway?" he asked curiously.

I blinked. I hadn't expected small talk. "Oh, well, Mom wanted to get us out of Midgar."

"Why? Midgar is fucking awesome." He sounded surprised.

I laughed. "I know," I said loudly. "But, y'know, bad neighbourhood, I guess," I said as I ducked another coffee cup.

"That would make sense," the voice said slowly. "But, the neighbourhood here is kinda crazy, too."

This surprised me. "Really? How's that?"

"Well, for one thing, the teachers at the high school are totally cracked, and—"

A third Styrofoam coffee cup sailed through the air, this one actually hitting its target. "Hang on, dude, I think my mom wants to tell me something," I told the voice. I leaned over the driver's seat to give Mom an annoyed look. "What?" I asked grumpily.

Mom glared at me, then jabbed a finger at a nearby building. The library. Apparently, we'd made seven miles in a record time of one and a half minutes.

"Hey, man," I said, "we're at the library."

The voice laughed at this. "Why am I not surprised?"

I snorted. "What now?"

"There should be an intersection coming up in half a mile, you see it?"

I was gonna squint in the distance to find it, but I found that we were already on it. "Yeah, we're on it," I said lamely.

"Your mom is a brilliant driver…" he mused. "Turn right onto Castle Gates and keep going straight until you see Kingdom High School. Rising Falls is the left turn immediately after that, and you guys are the light yellow house in the first cul-de-sac on your right."

We ended up on a road with a couple of schools—the Kingdom Campus, I guess. "Hey, which one is the high school?" I asked. "There're like five schools and a synagogue here …"

He let out a rather dejected sigh. "The high school is the one covered in all the T.P."

"T.P.? But it's July!"

"KHS is always covered in toilet paper," he explained despondently.

I blinked at the phone, but told Mom to 'make a left after the school that's been pwn'd.' After turning into the cul-de-sac, we landed in a quiet area with five pale, sugary-coloured houses—blue, violet, pink, yellow, and white. Mom pulled us into the driveway of the yellow house, which was the first one on the right, and killed the ignition of the Mom-mobile. Mom and Reno jumped out of the car and began to do overenthusiastic stretches and jumping jacks. I sank in my seat. God, my family is weird.

"Oh," the voice said, "I think I see you guys. You just pulled in, right?"

"Yeah," I said, peering out my window over at the white house next door. Gauzy white curtains with yellow polka-dots hung from all the windows on the ground floor, but on the second floor, two windows facing our house had black and white chequered curtains. I got the vibe that the guy I was talking to was in the room with the chequered curtains.

"Wow," the voice was saying, "your Mom's car is in great shape, considering her driving…is it an Oathkeeper?"

I grinned. "Yup," I said. "Same car she got when she was eighteen."

The voice whistled. "That's a beautiful car," he said wistfully. "My Pop's car is a Gummi, and it's a piece of—" he stopped in mid-sentence to…talk to himself, again.

"Dude, the new neighbours are here. Dad says we gotta go downstairs and help Naminé get the jello mould and shit ready…Oh, okay. Yeah, I figured. I just saw them pull up…Well, get off the phone. Dad is gonna be a little late from work, so Pop said for us to go on without him…Yeah, yeah. Tell him I'll be right down…—Hey, Axel?"

I jumped. "Yeah?"

"I gotta go, okay? Dad wants me to go down and help with shit. But we'll be coming by in a few, so I'll see you then," he said, sounding reluctant.

"No problem," I said lightly, watching Reno with amusement as he opened the trunk door and start dragging suitcases out. "And thanks for the directions, man. Couldn't have done it without you."

"Haha, no problem," he said cheerfully.

"See you, then."

"Later." And he hung up.

(It was only twenty minutes later that it occurred to me that I didn't even know who I'd been speaking to.)

Mom, who had just finished doing toe-touches, bounded up to the car and opened my door. Since I'd been leaning against the door, I flopped out onto Mom, who staggered beneath my weight as she shoved me back inside. "Axel," she barked, "stop being a lazy-ass and help your brother move things inside! We got here about an hour earlier than the moving van, so I want us to get everything inside the Mom-mobile out and into the house before they can get there."

I groaned in protest. "Do we have to?"

Mom smacked me upside my head. "Yes, you lazy bum! Now get out of my car!"

I slowly slipped out of the seat, only to collapse dramatically on the lawn. "But, Mom, I'm fucking tired…"

Mom ignored my complaints, unceremoniously walked over me, and bounced to the front door, where she began fiddling with the keys. "C'mon, boys!" she exclaimed as she threw open the door and ran inside. "Let's fight over bedrooms!"

I continued lying on the grass, and Reno, who was stumbling under the weight of a box of Mom's clothes, toed me in my side. "Dude," he said, "C'mon, before she decides we have to share a room."

That got me moving. I charged in after Mom, leaving my brother outside in the dust to bring all our shit inside.

The house was fairly roomy, and I was already busy planning out where all our furniture and everything was gonna go. Like, I could totally picture our ratty old couch sitting in the living room with the television and PS2 opposite it and the remote control seated faithfully on the coffee table, which would be right between the right side of the couch and Mom's plush chair. The thick white carpet would be completely covered with coffee stains—Mom's a terrible addict—and those coffee stains would all be covered up with layers and layers of magazines and pocky boxes and wrappers and stuff.

Ha. This place would be home in no time.

I stomped upstairs and was about to duck into the first bedroom when Mom slammed the door on my face. "I call this room!" she shouted from the inside. "I want my own bathroom. You two pigs can share the other one."

I rolled my eyes and opened the next door. This was the bathroom me and Reno were expected to share. And, dude, it was freaking puny. I'll bet you anything that Reno was gonna hog it, he being the girl he is.

There was a linen closet opposite the bathroom and another door next to the bathroom. This one was obviously a bedroom, but the window view sucked. I sure as hell didn't want to get a loverly view of the road. Geez. Across from this room was another bedroom, but the view from here wasn't much better, to be honest. It got the back view of our house, showing our totally dead backyard. So freaky looking. I'd be afraid of one of those trees coming to life and killing me in the middle of the night.

This lead me to the one choice of the last bedroom in the hallway, this one had a pretty dry view, too. It was overlooking the slightly greener side yard, and from here, if I looked straight ahead, I got a perfect view of the window with the chequered curtains.

Reno stumbled into the room a minute after I did and looked around. "I want this one," he said after glancing out the window.

I frowned at him. "Screw you, I'm taking this one. I found it first."

Reno pouted at me. "But all the other ones have shitty views!" he complained. "Have you seen that one of the backyard? It's fucking scary!"

I raised my eyebrows. "Then take the one that has the front view," I said logically.

He glared at me, his flaming red eyebrows knitting together. "Hell, that's hardly an improvement," he argued. "I'd feel so paranoid, like it's my job to watch who's entering the cul-de-sac and shit."

I groaned and began to push him out of the room. "Shut the hell up and deal," I drawled, steering him into the room with the front view, completely ignoring his cries of objection.

He spun around and gave me an angry look once we were in his room. "Goddammit, Axel!" he griped. "Why the hell do you get everything you want?"

I was about to answer, but someone else took the liberty of doing so.

"Because he's the baby of the family," Mom explained obviously, poking her head into the room. She wandered around Reno's room, opening the closet and checking its space. "Geez," she muttered, "this is a small closet."

"It doesn't matter," I guffawed, "Reno doesn't hide in his closet anymore."

Reno socked me in the stomach, and I let out a grunt of pain. Mom chose to ignore this brief exchange.

"It's just as well," she was saying, "you have drawers you can use…"

Then the doorbell rang. Mom looked incredibly excited by this.

"Those must be some of the neighbours!" she squealed. "I wonder if it's Sora!" she shot down the stairs. "Get down here, boys!" she yelled over her shoulder.

Me and Reno exchanged annoyed looks with each other, but relented and headed down to greet whoever was at the door. When we landed in the foyer, a scrawny, very harassed looking guy around my age with rose-coloured hair and an old plump woman in a pink floral dress—probably his grandma—were standing in the front doorway of the house, the guy clutching a heavenly-smelling, heart-shaped apple pie in his hands like it was his lifeline.

Mom excitedly waved us over. "Look, boys," she gushed, talking a mile a minute, "Mrs. Færie and her grandnephew, Marluxia, baked us a pie!"

"We-we-welcome to Radiant Garden…" Marluxia stammered, face flushing a shade of pink that matched his hair.

Mom cooed. "Isn't that precious?" She turned to Mrs. Færie and gave the old woman an elated grin. "Thank you two so much for the pie."

"It's no problem at all!" Mrs. Færie let out a throaty sort of laugh. "And, please, call me Flora, dearie," she said warmly. She gave Mom a gentle smile, "Why don't we cut ourselves a slice in the kitchen, hmm?" When Mom nodded enthusiastically and began to lead her away, Flora took the pie from her grandnephew and followed Mom away, saying "Now tell me, Kairi, what brings you to Radiant Garden?"

Marluxia shifted his weight from foot to foot as he watched us awkwardly. "H-hey," he said dumbly, his blue eyes nervously flickering from me to Reno.

Reno nodded at him. "Sup?"

"Did you just say 'sup' to me?" Marluxia looked scandalised.

I laughed at Reno's sulky expression and hopped down the last step to meet the guy. "Hey," I said brightly. "I'm Axel, and that ugly jackass over there is my older brother, Reno."

Reno gave me the finger.

Marluxia wrinkled his nose in distaste at Reno, then smiled tentatively at me. "Marluxia Rosenfeld," he said shyly, extending a hand. When I shook it, his smile grew. "Nice to meet you, Axel."

I grinned broadly—haha, the guy liked me more than Reno! Axel : 1, Reno : 0.

"Sorry about Great Aunt Flo," Marluxia said when he released my hand. He scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "She's nice, but only in small quantities," he said with a laugh. "She's kind of overbearing at times."

"Yeah," Reno said in a desperate attempt to get into our conversation. "So's our mom."

"So are you, apparently," Marluxia said in an overly blasé voice as he flipped some of his hair in an overtly feminine way. He put his hands on his hips and turned to regard me with a raised eyebrow. "Is he always this unbearable, or am I just lucky?"

I snickered and slung an arm around his thin shoulders. "Y'know, Marluxia," I said happily, relishing the aggravated look on Reno's face, "I think we're gonna get along just fine."

Marluxia and his Great Aunt Flo—apparently the eldest sister of his grandma on his mom's side—hung around for little over half an hour, but in that time, I managed to gain a brief synopsis on the guy. (Reno, on the other hand, couldn't even get a single word out of the guy that wasn't laced with poison.)

He had an older sister named Aurora who'd fallen into a coma some time ago, back when he'd been seven, and she still had yet to wake up, nine years later. In order to help his parents out, his mother's mother and her two sisters, Flora and Merriweather, moved in to help take care of him, since his dad was a very successful horticulturist studying with Ansem Weiss, and because his mom ran her own flower shop that was constantly understaffed—the only people who worked there consistently were his Great Aunt Flo and some chick named Alice who, according to Marluxia, needed to stop doing mushrooms once in a while. After he'd gotten his worker's permit, he'd taken to helping his mom out at the shop—a quaint place on Postern called Golden Afternoon.

He told me that he wanted to be a horticulturist himself, and that he had plans to apply at HBU for college. He was a pretty ambitious guy, actually. He wanted to set up his own labs and everything. He said he had issues working under a figurehead's authority. I just took this to mean he had a control freak complex.

He was also one of those artsy-fartsy kind of guys. He liked dance and choreography, which, of course, lead Reno to ask the dude if he was gay or not. Marluxia, I'm very pleased to say, was not the least bit rattled by this and proudly said he was bi. This was an answer that I was totally cool with, too. (Granted, I also warned him to watch out for Reno, that stupid, horny bastard. Marluxia simply replied that Reno wasn't his type, something that, to my amusement, greatly insulted my idiotic brother.)

He lived in the light pink house across the street from us. It was a cute thing, picturesque, really, and covered in tons and tons of rose bushes and sporting a really elaborate and well-maintained garden. Marluxia referred to the garden as his 'baby.' (He also offered to lend us a hand with taming our own weed of a lawn and garden. I told him I'd take him up on that offer.)

He was in the same grade as me, so he figured that even if we didn't get to see much of each other over the course of summer, we'd definitely see each other in school.

He'd been just about to tell us about the school, when Great Aunt Flo came bustling in and kicked him out, saying that they had to get dinner ready and that "Sweetie, really, you know as well as I that Great Aunt Merriweather is certainly not very merry when she's denied her supper." Marluxia was then forced to say goodbye to me as he got railed on by his grandaunt for having grass and dirt stains on his jeans and leaves and twigs hanging out of the hood of his black sweatshirt.

I went into the kitchen after I closed the door, 'cause I wanted some of that pie. When I walked into the kitchen, Mom was exploring the cabinet space, and the pie tin was sitting on the countertop. Empty.

Truthfully, I was kinda pissed off. That pie had smelled fucking good.

Reno, who'd followed me in, let out a groan of dismay. "Ma!!" he complained, "You fricking ate the whole thing?!"

Mom gave him a nasty look. "So what if I did?" she challenged, straightening to her fullest height—which really wasn't that much. Reno was a good foot taller than her.

Reno crossed his arms and sulked. "God, you suck!" he muttered.

Mom started yelling back at him, and the two got so involved in their argument that they didn't hear the doorbell ring. I looked back and forth at my screaming family before I elected to go and answer the door, seeing as neither of them looked to be going over to do that anytime soon. I peered through the peephole in the door and nearly jumped out of my socks when I saw the grossly distorted image of a bluish-green eye that was staring back at me.

I opened the door, my heart still thumping in my chest. "Hello?"

"Hiya!" two voices shouted at me in unison.

I winced slightly at the noise as I looked over the three people standing in the doorway. There were two guys who both looked my age and a girl who looked a little younger. One of the guys—the one who hadn't screamed out a greeting—was a little on the shorter side, and his posture was eerily perfect. His silvery-blue bangs hung carefully over his right eye, and each strand looked like it had been meticulously set into place. His left eye was a startling bright colour of cobalt, and although his eye was wide open and piercingly awake, his bruised eyelids betrayed lack of sleep. He gave me a blank look before sticking his hand out rigidly.

"Welcome to Rising Falls," he said languidly as I shook his hand. "I am Zexion Grzeskiewicz—"

"God, Zex," the other boy said with a dramatic roll of his bottle green eyes. "How the heck do you deal with saying your last name? It's sooo freaking long…" He made a vague gesture with his hands and ignored the disgruntled look from Zexion. "I'm Demyx McNamara," he said excitedly as he tore my hand from Zexion's handshake and shook it animatedly.

"Easy there, Demyx," the girl said with a giggle, "you might dislocate his arm from his shoulder."

Zexion made a grunt of agreement and Demyx released me.

"Sorry about that, dude," he said, laughing sheepishly. Demyx had a kind of musical laugh. I liked it. It wasn't the annoying kind of snicker, like Reno's.

Demyx and the girl both bore a similar resemblance, so I figured they were siblings, seeing as they had the same blue-green eyes and smile—although, Demyx's was admittedly more mischievous than the girl's. And whereas Demyx's sand-coloured hair was gelled up into some weird blend of a mullet and a Mohawk, the girl's was tied into a ponytail and pinned up with a bazillion barrettes and hair clips with sparkles and stars and hearts and smiley faces adorning them. Actually, the two of them were pretty bizarre looking.

"Anyway," the girl said, smiling brightly, "I'm Rikku. I'm Demyx's sister."

Ha. Figures.

"Zexion lives in the purple house, and me 'n Rikku live in the blue house," Demyx told me with an exaggerated point at the violet house on the other side of the white house and at the blue house next to Marluxia's. "We also have a younger brother and a younger sister, but Arthur and Marlene are at summer camp," Demyx added, digging deep into his sweatpants' pockets for something. "Got it!" He fished out a wallet and held it triumphantly over his head.

Rikku rolled her eyes. "Sheesh, Brother," she muttered, "you act like Grandpa Merlin with your pictures…"

Demyx pouted at her. "No, I don't!" he argued childishly as he flipped his wallet open, causing a link of small, plastic-covered photographs to fall from it. He quickly skimmed down the link before showing me a picture. "Here we are," he said proudly. "The ones who aren't me and Rikku are Arthur and Marlene."

I looked at the picture and grinned slightly. Four children with varying shades of golden-brown hair were making weird faces at the camera. Demyx and Rikku stood out with their strange hair, and the other two looked way more normal. Arthur looked like a quiet and shy sort of kid, while Marlene—the only one with dark hair—looked like a very outspoken and sweet kid.

"Aren't they cute?" Demyx fussed with a wide smile.

Zexion groaned and rubbed his forehead tiredly. Rikku reached around Demyx to pat him sympathetically on the back.

I grinned at this and handed Demyx back the picture. "Very cute," I said to him, which only made him smile some more.

"I have lots of other pictures, too, see?" Demyx dug further into his pocket and pulled out a tiny photo album.

I shot Zexion and Rikku alarmed looks, and Zexion nodded at her. Rikku snatched the album from her brother and gave him a reproving sort of look.

"Brother," she chided, "Artie is gonna be pissed at you if you keep showing people pictures of him…"

Demyx reluctantly agreed and pocketed the photos. Zexion let out a barely audible sigh of relief.

"So…" Zexion glanced back up at me. "I don't believe you told us your name…"

I laughed awkwardly. "That's right. Sorry. I'm Axel van Alderliesten."

"Ax-el…" Rikku rolled my name around her mouth, as if tasting it. She grinned. "Cool name," she said to no one in particular.

"Do you have any siblings?" Demyx asked curiously, his eyes shining.

Zexion coughed in a way that sounded suspiciously like he'd said 'say "no."'

"I have a brother," I replied, taking note of the distraught look Zexion shot me.

"Really?" Demyx bounced around excitedly on the balls of his feet. "Older or younger? I love children…"

Rikku snickered. "Careful there, Dem," she crowed, "you'll end up growing up to be a paedophile or something…"

Demyx looked horrified at such a suggestion. "What kind of asshole would violate a child?!" he raged, clenching his hands in fists. "How horrible!"

Zexion ignored Demyx's outburst and looked at me interestedly. "So? Older or younger?" he asked.

"Older," I clarified. "And he's an idiot."

Rikku giggled. "Aren't they all?" she joked, giving Demyx a pointed look. Demyx gave her a look of surprise and the corners of Zexion's lips quirked slightly.

"What about you?" I asked Zexion. He looked kinda surprised that I'd asked him such a question.

"I'm adopted," he replied stiffly, casting his eyes away from us.

"That doesn't answer his question," Demyx cut in, giving Zexion a questioning glance. His eyes moved back to me. "Zex has a ten year old brother named Denzel," Demyx said. "Also adopted."

Zexion continued to look off at our scraggly lawn, not saying anything. Demyx furrowed his brow and gave the guy an awkward pat on the back.

"So, um, we're just here to say hello and to welcome you to Radiant Garden," Rikku said hurriedly, trying to change the subject.

I smiled a little at her. "Thanks," I said. "We just moved in from Junon, Midgar."

Zexion looked up. "I'm from Midgar," he said slowly.

"Which part?" I asked.

Zexion's expression turned slightly sour. "Sector Five," he muttered.

Ooh. The slums.

From there, the conversation turned awkward again.

"So…um…" Demyx turned to his sister, eyes wide. I guessed he was desperate to put Zexion out of his mood.

"Why'd you move?" Rikku quickly asked.

Demyx gave her a very theatrical wink, and she rolled her eyes.

"Uh…my Mom just wanted a change from the city life," I said blankly.

Zexion let out a caustic snort. "Probably a good idea," he mumbled, glancing back over at me. "Before that geostigma epidemic leaves the slums, I mean."

Demyx winced. "Relax, Zex," he said carefully.

"Whatever." Zexion cracked his neck and rolled up his left long-sleeve to check his watch. His left eye flickered over to Demyx. "It's four o'clock. We have to get going if we're going to pick up Denzel and your siblings from camp on time," he said softly.

Rikku nodded and rolled her eyes. "Good idea. The last time we were late, Denzel threw such a stink…"

Demyx shuddered. "No kidding." He turned back to me and gave me an apologetic look. "Sorry, dude," he said. "We really didn't get to talk much, eh?"

I shrugged. "It's cool. I'll end up seeing you guys around, right?"

He nodded enthusiastically. "Of course," he said merrily. "You guys should come by for dinner some time. We always make too much food, anyway—"

Rikku smacked him on the arm and started dragging him away. "See you around, Axel!" she called over her shoulder as she yanked Demyx down in the direction of the schools.

Zexion followed them after giving me a last look. "See you," he said lifelessly before hurrying to catch up to the McNamara siblings.

As I was shouting 'later!' at them, Reno came up behind me, looking thoroughly beaten up from his verbal war with Mom.

"More neighbours?" he asked flatly, staring off at the trio.

"Yeah," I replied. "One's from the fifth sector of Midgar," I added vaguely.

"Ouch."

"Yeah, that's what I thought, too."

(I had the gut feeling that Zexion had lost his parents to geostigma, but I didn't have the heart to ask him.)

"Any of those guys Sora?" Reno randomly asked me, eyes curious.

I shook my head. "Nope. Those were the guys who live in the blue and purple houses."

Reno nodded and glanced over at the white house next door. "When d'you think they'll come by?"

"I dunno. Probably sometime—"

The front door of the white house suddenly flew open and two blonds, one guy and one girl, waved at us and jogged over, the girl carefully holding a swaying yellow jello mould in her hands.

"—soon…" my voice died away as the pair cut across the side lawn and approached us. The girl smiled shyly and thrust the jello at me. The thing itself jiggled freakily, but the yellow star-shaped fruit inside never moved. It was creepy.

"Welcome to our neighbourhood," she said softly, her periwinkle eyes warm as she watched me gingerly take the jello and hand it to Reno. "I'm Naminé Seelenfreund-Quirke, and this is my brother." She gestured to the guy with her, and he made a careless sort of wave.

"Hey," he said uninterestedly. I could tell immediately from the voice that this was the guy I'd been talking to on the phone. I hoped he was still in a good mood.

Naminé nudged him lightly in the ribs. "Be nice," she said patiently. Her brother raised an eyebrow at her and scoffed. Naminé glanced back at us and tugged a little nervously on the hem of her white t-shirt. "Sorry about him," she said softly, ignoring the dirty look she got from him. "He just got into a fight with his boyfriend the other day, and—"

Reno sniggered, which drew in the blond guy's sharp blue eyes. "What?" he asked viciously, eyes narrowing. "Got a problem with gays?"

Reno sputtered a negative and I quickly elbowed him in the jaw.

"Ignore him, he's an idiot," I said with a hasty grin at the guy. Dude, he looked pissed…

"I wouldn't doubt it," came the crass response. He gave Reno an unimpressed once-over. "He looks like one, too." Naminé frowned reprovingly at him.

"Be nice," she said pleadingly.

He glared at her. "I don't have to listen to you."

Damn, he's in an ugly mood again…

"So," he said, fixing me and Reno with acid stares that could curdle milk. "Which one of you buffoons is the one who called the house?"

Reno jabbed a thumb in my direction. "He's the buffoon," he replied mutinously.

I twitched. Fucking traitor.

The blond spawn from hell gave me a poisonous scowl. "I hope you die a slow, painful, and humiliating death," he snarled.

Reno grinned behind his hand. "I think I'm gonna like this guy," I heard him snicker.

Naminé swatted her Satan Spawn brother on the shoulder. "Be nice," she said again, this time a little more forcefully.

"Um," I strove to think of a more pleasant conversation. "So, uh, when is Sora coming over?" I asked lamely.

Naminé glanced back over at the house. "Pop'll be coming by any minute," she replied. "I imagine he's just getting himself prepped for seeing your mother." She smiled. "He's so excited. They apparently haven't really spoken in roughly twenty years. He probably has a lot to tell your mom."

I nodded in agreement as I led them inside, leaving the door open for Sora to come through. "Yeah, Mom didn't even know he'd gotten married and had kids."

Naminé and her brother exchanged odd looks before turning back to me and Reno. Naminé looked like she wanted to say something, but got interrupted by Mom's squealing.

"Oh my God!" she cried out in delight, practically pouncing on them. "You two must be Sora's kids!" she gushed, pinching their cheeks. "You look just like him!" she ranted as she took in the guy's face. "Except for all that blond hair, that is… So, who'd Sora marry? Hmm? Hmm? Who was the lucky girl?"

The Satan Spawn was about to reply when there was a knocking sound on the doorframe. We turned to see a small dark-haired guy with a grin the size of Mom's ass standing in the doorway, waving at us erratically.

"Pop!" Naminé and Satan Spawn said at the same time.

I gawked. Reno gawked. Hell, even Mom gawked, but not for very long, because she went flying over to him and practically covered him in her massive hug

"Sora!!" she cried, bouncing up and down breathlessly.

"Kairi!!" he cried, bouncing up and down with her.

"Omigawd," Mom shrieked, "it's been, like, forever! Omigawd!!"

Sora, who admittedly looked my age, just went on hopping up and down and screaming with Mom. "Omigawd, Kairi!" he wailed. "You have kids!!"

"Omigawd, Sora!!" Mom screamed back. "So do you!!"

Me and Reno kinda watched this exchange with feelings that one might experience while watching a train crash. This actually kinda was like watching a train crash, now that I think about it. I mean, those two nuts were so goddamn loud for people talking less than a foot away from each other. And all the jumping around…sheesh. You'd think they were teenaged girls or something.

I figured this was typical behaviour of Sora. I mean, his kids were just kind of watching like this was nothing new. Although, I gotta admit, Satan Spawn looked pretty fucking mortified. (Not that I can blame him. I was feeling pretty sick to my stomach myself.)

They finally stopped bouncing around and settled for seeing who could pinch the other's cheeks harder. Mom won. It was close, though.

"Shit, Sora," Mom was saying as she pulled on his cheeks. "You haven't aged a fucking day since I left!"

Sora let out a hearty stream of laughter. "Your language has really changed, though! You used to hit Riku for cursing!" he said in an amazingly clear voice for someone whose face was being pulled in seven different directions at once.

Mom laughed loudly and pinched his cheeks a little harder. "Things change when you have a husband and sons," she giggled, finally releasing his face.

Sora chuckled as he ruefully punched her in the shoulder. "Tell me about it," he said with a roll of his bright eyes. "Naminé's my only sanctuary from all the insanity of men."

Satan Spawn snorted and turned his nose up, while Naminé grinned happily.

"Please, Pop," Satan Spawn drawled, "don't make her head any bigger."

Sora laughed and playfully tugged on one of Satan Spawn's blond spikes. "Be nice to your sister. She's the only flower in our perilous home of overdramatic men."

My family and I exchanged looks. Uh. What?

"Sora, don't be so mean," Mom said with a light laugh. "Your wife would smack you if she heard you say that."

This time, the Quirke family exchanged looks. Then they proceeded to burst into raucous, uncontrolled laughter while we looked on in confusion.

"Nah, Kai," Sora choked between guffaws. "You've got it all wrong. Y'see, I'm married to—"

"Uh, Pop? Guys…?"

Satan Spawn's voice cut Sora off, but, the odd thing was, Satan Spawn had spoken without moving his lips or anything. In fact, he'd also managed to throw his voice from where he was standing over to the front doorstep. It was pretty cool.

I was about to ask Satan Spawn how he did it, but then I realised that Satan Spawn really hadn't done anything. There was a clone of him standing in the doorway, looking slightly bemused at the whole situation.

This clone looked a hell of a lot nicer than Satan Spawn himself, so I decided I liked this one better.

The clone glanced at me curiously before grinning. "Let me guess," he said suddenly, ignoring the blank looks he was receiving. "You're Axel, right?"

I think I must have gaped at him, because I had no idea of how he knew that.

Satan Spawn nodded and shot his clone a sneer. "Yeah," he replied. "That's the fool that called."

The Clone's grin widened. "I knew it."

I stared at the Clone, then at Satan Spawn, then at the Clone again. God, I was so confused. (Not to mention weirded out.)

The Clone's smile faded slightly and he raised an eyebrow. "Dude," he said, "you okay?"

I just gave him an incredulous look. "Why are there two of you?" I asked stupidly.

Oddly, this just made the Clone laugh. And he had a nice laugh. Satan Spawn, on the other hand, being the spawn of Satan, didn't find this the least bit amusing.

"God, you're a bigger idiot than I thought," he scoffed. "We're identical twins, you douchebag!"

Oh. Ohh. That explains a helluva lot. Dude. I felt like such an ass… Smooth, Axel. Real smooth.

Reno snickered at the expression of comprehension on my face. "Nice." Then he flashed Satan Spawn a suggestive look. "You're single, right?"

Satan Spawn looked disgusted. "Up yours, cocksucker!" he retorted.

Reno wiggled his eyebrows. "For you, anything," he crooned, leering over at the blond.

Satan Spawn's face turned a violent shade of red and he kneed Reno in the crotch. Me and the Clone exchanged smirks and burst out laughing as Reno doubled over in pain.

"Right," Sora shouted over the laughing. "Kairi! These are my demon-children! The girl is Naminé, and the boys are Roxas and Ven!"

"Which one's which?" Mom shouted back as she looked at Reno's pathetic appearance.

"The one with the attitude problem is Ven!"

Satan Spawn—Ven—folded his arms across his chest as he leered over at me and mouthed the words 'you're next, bitch.'

Needless to say, that shut me up.

The Clone—Roxas—gave me a friendly nudge. "Don't worry about him," he said with a half-smile. "He's just a prick."

Ven scowled at his twin. "Traitor," he hissed.

Roxas stuck his tongue out at Ven.

Yeah. I definitely liked Roxas a lot more than Ven.

Naminé cleared her throat uncomfortably, breaking the utter silliness of the mood. "Um…" She looked over at Roxas inquisitively. "Has Dad come home, yet?"

Mom gave me a confused look, and I immediately knew what she was wondering: What the fuck are they talking about?

Roxas' eyes lit up. "Yeah, he was on Castle Gates when I hung up," he told his sister with a nod.

Ven raised an eyebrow. "So, he'll be here in an hour, then. Forty-five minutes, tops."

Naminé frowned. "Dad's not that slow of a driver."

"Sure. When compared to dead people, maybe." Ven rolled his eyes.

Sora gave his melodramatic son a weary nod of agreement. "Now, now, not all people feel comfortable making good time. Your dad's just a cautious person."

Uh. What?

Mom stared blankly at them. "Sora," she said slowly, "what are you talking about? Aren't you their father?"

Sora blinked, apparently confused by Mom's question. But he soon realised what she was asking, because he laughed sheepishly. "Uh, yeah, Kairi, about that…um, you remember Riku, right?"

Mom raised an eyebrow. "Of course," she said. "You two were always fighting over me." She smiled in that nostalgic 'ah, those were the days' sort of way.

Sora laughed nervously and scratched the back of his head. "Right…"

"But, really, Sora, I don't see what he has to do with anything—"

Roxas snickered. "You'd be surprised, Ms. Van Alderliesten," he said to Mom, as he looked back outside at the driveway.

Sora moved over to the doorway to stand behind Roxas. Sora's eyes lit up suddenly as the slam of a car door was heard. Roxas cupped a hand near his mouth and yelled out "Hey, Dad!"

Naminé and Ven hurried over to the doorway, completely blocking the outside from view.

Mom made her famous 'what the fuck?!' face at me. I made my famous 'why the hell are you looking at me like that?' face.

A voice that was obviously male began to speak in a smooth baritone from the outside of the house, just out of sight from our angle in the foyer. "Hey, guys. Hey, Sora."

Sora flew out the house, and judging from the muffled smooching sounds coming from the outside and the look of nausea that passed over Ven's face, some really heavy make-out session was taking place outside. (And I actually felt kinda sorry for Ven. Everyone knows that watching your parents suck face is just fucking nasty.)

Mom apparently began to comprehend what was taking place and snapped from her reverie. "Okay, Sora!" she hollered. "I get it; you're gay and married to some dude with a really sexy voice!"

Sora's kids gave Mom identical looks of amusement.

"That's only half of it," Roxas sniggered before turning back to watch his parents.

"Sora!" Mom bellowed. "C'mon, let's see your sexy husband!" She let out a catcall.

Sure enough, Sora skipped back into the house. "Kairi," he said, looking serious, "you have no idea how much catching up we have to do."

Mom rolled her eyes. "Sora, if it's about you being gay, I'm totally cool with it. Reno's gay, actually."

"Why does everyone always think I'm gay?" Reno sputtered from the ground.

I glanced down at him. "'Cause you only ask them why they think you're gay, instead of getting all pissed off and breaking their noses."

Sora gave Mom an uneasy look. "I just hope you keep that perspective," he said flatly, his eyes roving back over to the doorway. "A lot's changed since we were fourteen."

Mom scoffed. "Tell me about it," she said flippantly. "I mean, I always thought that my—" She trailed off as a man with long, silver hair strolled over to Naminé, Roxas, and Ven and ducked his head to plant kisses on each of their blond heads. He glanced up and saw Mom staring at him. He blinked, then his face split into an excited grin.

"Kairi!" he exclaimed rushing in, the three blonds quickly followed in and spread out to get a good view of the drama. He grasped Mom by her shoulders and gave her a friendly smile. "It's been years!" he said, aqua-coloured eyes filled with mirth.

Mom's mouth fell open. "Oh. My. Fucking. God." She rubbed her eyes and looked at the guy again. Then repeated the action. "Are you shitting me?" she asked no one in particular. "Riku?!"

I barely stifled a stream of laughter. It just figures. The only two guys who fought over Mom ended up being gay and banging each other. God, this was priceless.

Riku raised a silver eyebrow in confusion and dropped his hands, giving her a puzzled look. "What's up with that expression?"

Mom turned to Sora, her eyes wide. "Sora…?"

Sora sighed and walked over to stand shoulder to shoulder with Riku. "Look, Kairi," he slipped his hand easily into the other man's and laced their fingers together. "Um, this is my husband."

"Oh." Mom's eyes rolled up into her head and she fell backwards—landing on Reno—in a dead faint. Naminé let out a gasp and hurried over to check that she—and Reno—were all right.

Sora and Riku exchanged worried looks. Finally, Riku cleared his throat.

"Well," he said with a small smirk, "that actually went a lot better than I'd imagined it."

Sora snorted in response.

Ven let out a wicked cackle. "Don't move them, Naminé," he said maliciously. "Let's just leave them there…or, better yet, can we dump them out in the middle of the street?"

Roxas shoved him and rolled his eyes. "I don't understand how we're twins," he muttered with a sigh.

Sora looked over at me nervously. "Axel," he said anxiously, "how do you think that went?"

I blinked. "Well, I think it would've been more dramatic if they'd fallen down the stairs or something, but the fall itself wasn't so—"

Ven scowled. "He didn't mean the fall, you douche."

Riku glared at his son. "Watch your mouth," he scolded.

"I meant her reaction," Sora clarified, still looking apprehensive. "I haven't hung out with her in years… I dunno what any of her reactions are, anymore."

"Er…" I strained my memory. "Nothing really fazes Mom anymore," I admitted lamely. "I really don't know how she took that."

"I love how you're so intelligent," Ven sneered.

Roxas elbowed him and Riku gave him a look of warning.

"Uh… But, no, I actually think she's okay with this," I told Sora. "The last time she was upset with something that surprised her, she stayed conscious and beat the brains out of it."

Sora looked a little more at ease with this. "I hope so," he said fretfully. "I'd hate it if Kairi hated me…or if she beat me up…" He shuddered.

"Um, Dad? Pop?" Naminé said timidly from near the unconscious forms of my family. "Do you think we could maybe help them, now?"

Sora blanched, as if he'd just noticed they were out cold. "Oh my God!" he screeched. "We have to help them! Ahh!! This is all my fault!!"

Naminé sighed and blew some hair out of her eyes.

"No, no, Pop," Ven said as he sauntered over to me, eyes flashing dangerously. "It's totally cool. All we need to do is get rid of this imbecile—"

"Be nice, Ven!"

"—and we can be rid of them all…"

Roxas dragged Ven away from me. "Sorry, dude," he said apologetically. "He's usually pretty mellow. It sucks that you have to see him like this. Break ups are harsh on him."

Ven's eyes bulged out of his head. "We did not break up!" he screamed. "We're just…taking a short break!" And he dissolved into tears.

Riku patted his son sympathetically on his back. "Don't worry, Ven," he said comfortingly. "Terra will come around eventually." Sora nodded in agreement with this and gave Ven a bear hug.

Ven sniffled pitifully. "It-it's so difficult without him," he whimpered. "I can't believe he was perfectly fine with this…"

Roxas raised his eyebrows and nudged me. He got up on his tiptoes. "Don't listen to him," he whispered breathily in my ear. "He and Terra break up every month. They're always together, even when they're not."

I was just about to ask what he meant by this, but then I caught sight of a man dressed in a stained t-shirt and jeans standing awkwardly on the doorstep. "Err, hi," he said dumbly when he realised his presence had been noticed. "Uh, I'm with the moving company…we, erm, have your stuff."

Ven gave him an annoyed look, completely recovered from his sobbing session from two seconds ago. "Nooo, really?" he asked dryly. "God, you impertinent and useless fool, get moving their shit in!"

The mover looked mildly offended, but relented and headed back to start moving stuff.

Naminé watched him with an expression that suggested she was torn between exasperation and amusement. "Very smooth, Ven," she mumbled.

Ven smirked at her.

The same mover from before came in holding Mom's plush chair. "Where do you want this?" he asked from behind the backrest of the chair.

"Uh, second room on your left," I said after a moment of confusion. The guy said 'okay' and waddled off.

Two more movers entered carrying our decrepit couch, and I gave them the same directions.

Two final movers came in carrying the coffee table. They paused when they saw Mom and Reno lying in a crumpled pile at our feet. "Uh," one of them said, glancing up at me. "What do you guys plan on doing with these two people?"

Ven made an imperious sniff. "They're not ours," he said loudly. "The buffoons who were moving the furniture and shit of the previous owner out of the house did a horrendous job and left these two people here." He made a sweeping gesture with his hands as his family watched wearily. "Just take them away. Throw them in your storage room or the incinerator or something. This may be a form of biological warfare on the former neighbour's part. That Ursula was such a witch. I wouldn't put it past her to dump bodies with geostigma in an unoccupied house."

The movers stared blankly at Ven. Then they turned to me.

I blinked. "Um, just put them on the couch or something…"

The Afterword: Dude. I actually like this. I'm like…generally satisfied with this. Is that so weird or what? XD

So, this was a kind of strange idea that I'd been playing around with in July. I just never bothered to really do much about it. I wrote about three pages by hand when I was in Africa, but it's only recently that I'm actually working on it.

Jumping on a slight tangent here, but to those of you who don't know who Ven and Terra are, just lookup the upcoming Kingdom Hearts game, Birth By Sleep. Waaaay awesome, guys. I can't wait for that one. 8D

This story is pretty crackish, I'll admit. Especially with regards to Ven. XD This guy here is the complete opposite of what I've always imagined him to be like. :laughs: I always thought he'd be a cool, placid sort of dude. Instead…well…I'm embarrassed to say that he turned out sounding a lot like me during my psychotic moments. D:

The Zexion and Demyx of this fic are kinda different from those in"VIrtuoso". I've made Zexion more emotional, I guess. Demyx is considerably more upbeat here, too, but that just goes along with the setting and scenario, I think. I mean, canon Organisation fics have always struck me as being on the melancholy side. Because this is a "normal" world, their relationship—which already has some background—will most likely escalate a lot faster than that in "VIrtuoso".

As for the Axel/Roxas dynamics… :sheepish grin: It's gonna develop pretty slowly. I'm gonna just leave the two of them to grow more attached to each other at whatever pace they set. (Hopefully it won't take too long…)

Hope you guys enjoyed this. This is my first time trying something that's supposed to be generally funny. And it was a weird process. And…uh…yeah.

Comments/reviews and concrit are welcome and greatly appreciated. Seriously, guys, reviews keep me going. 8D Tell me what you liked, eh?