Disclaimer: Don't own. Sleepy. (www. freewebs. com/ catverse)
Javalanche was a safe place, relatively. It was neutral ground. Across the street from the Iceberg, and therefore within rogue territory, but not technically affiliated in any way. And, more importantly, it was a coffee shop, and Techie and the Captain would never do violence to each other over coffee.
Well, not serious violence, anyway.
The two of them sat across from each other, sipping cappuccinos and watching each other cautiously, but with a minimum of hostility in the air.
Finally, the Captain spoke up.
"You've lost weight. Are you eating?"
Techie laughed, and the tension melted away.
"Honestly? No. The first night I was there, one of the henchmen took a banana creme pie out of the fridge...it wasn't pretty. When you live with the Joker, you can't trust the food. Or anything else, really."
"Better have a sandwich, then."
"Not hungry," said Techie.
"Ops." She caught a nearby waitress's attention. "My friend wants a sandwich."
"I do not!"
"Order, Ops, or I'll do it for you."
"Oh...fine. Give me a Maui chicken melt." Her annoyed glare was ignored as the Captain ordered the same, and the waitress went on her way.
"There, now, was that so hard?" Techie rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. What do you want, anyway?" She softened when the Captain flashed unconscious puppydog eyes. "I mean, what's with the sudden message? Why now?" The Captain shrugged uncomfortably.
"No...no real reason. I just didn't really think I should waltz back into the lair and assume everything would go back to normal."
"The lair," Techie repeated. "Did you know it was empty? It looks like it's been that way for a long time."
"Really?" The Captain sat up straighter. "He left?" Techie nodded. "Willingly?"
"I don't know. There was no sign of a break in, but that doesn't mean something didn't happen to him somewhere else. I haven't heard anything...and I'm worried," she admitted.
"What about Al?"
"I don't know. I haven't heard anything, but..." She sighed. "I wouldn't have thought she would leave him alone. But I can't find her. All I know is that she isn't the Mad Hatter's new girl."
"Do you think they had a Bat run-in?"
"I don't know." The worry--the fear--permeating her voice set her companion hyperventilating as she, too, began to run through the list of ditches where their corpses might be lying. "Deep breath, Captain. Don't shut down." Techie pulled out the pen that had been holding her hair off the back of her neck, and handed it over. Gratefully, the Captain clicked the top a few times until she was a little more focused. "Now. We can handle this."
"How?"
"The first place we're going to look is Arkham. After that, we can check the hospitals and Squishy's old lairs. Al has a few other friends in the city; one of them might know where she's gone. We can try asking around at the Iceberg. Didn't you hang around with the Calculator a while back? He might know something. And there's always Al's parents. Do you think she might have gone home--"
"I'm sorry I said you had a smooth forehead," the Captain interrupted.
"Oh, hey, it's...don't worry about..." She sighed. "I'm sorry I left."
"Me, too." She giggled mirthlessly. "Really, really sorry. You want to hold my hair while I go throw up?" Techie blinked in surprise, dismissing the mental image of a platinum blond wig sliding off the Captain's freshly shaven head. She wasn't going to make a joke about it, but...
"Captain, have you been drinking?" The Captain carefully shook her head no. "Are you sick?" She came up out of her chair, overcome with the kind of concern she hadn't felt for anyone since...since before, when they had still been a perfect team.
"It's...um..." She shrugged.
"What?" Techie prodded.
"Morning...sickness."
Techie's jaw dropped.
"What?!"
"Yarr," said the Captain, "thar be a bun in me oven."
"You--you're having a Squishlet? You finally managed to hold him down long enough? You didn't know this before, did you? Captain! You're having a Squishlet?"
"No," the Captain said hastily, the moment Techie stopped for breath. "He's not the--the father."
Techie's eyes narrowed.
"Firefly? I'll kill him."
"No! For your information, I haven't...well, that just wouldn't be possible, okay?"
"Then whose is it?" Techie demanded.
"No one's, Mom!"
"Uh-huh." If her eyebrow had crept up any higher, it would probably be touching the back of her neck. "So we're going with the Immaculate Conception story." The Captain's face went red.
"No. It's just...an...enigma?"
Techie shot out of her chair.
"What?" she bellowed. "You're having the Riddler's baby?"
The entire room went silent. The Captain went even redder under the intense scrutiny of thirty complete strangers.
"Oh, Jesus," she whispered. "We're--we're rehearsing for a play." The other customers continued to stare. "Drink your damn coffee! You want a show, you buy your tickets like everyone else!" She turned back to Techie and continued with the awkward inflection of a mediocre actor, and a poor imitation of Harley Quinn's accent. "No, Red. I'm afraid it's worse than that. I never told you about the wild night I spent with Batman on the rooftops."
Techie recovered quickly, and replied with the same awkward inflection.
"The Joker will skin you alive! But I guess it's about time I told you what he and I have been doing behind your back..."
--
Outside, Techie and the Captain collapsed in each other's arms, laughing too hard to stand without support.
"You--cuckolded--my--Puddin'!" Techie gasped, much more naturally than the actor voices they had both been doing moments before.
"I was never good with the lurvey stuff," the Captain agreed. "But it sounded like a good line at the time." By unspoken agreement, they glomped each other. "I missed you, Ops!"
"Of course you did. I'm just inherently loveable."
"Of course you are."
"And we're never going to have a stupid fight like that again."
"Of course we're not. But...will the Joker let you go?" The grin froze on Techie's face.
"No. Just figures he'd slither out of Arkham's paddywagon when no one's looking. He may not come straight for me, but if he sees me, he'll want to know why I didn't come looking for him. I'm not getting out of this without a fight."
"Not even if you ask real nice?" the Captain asked hopefully.
"I doubt it."
"What if you sang the Lumberjack Song?"
"Captain...well, maybe...'I never wanted to be a henchgirl, running around after the boss all night and blowing things up. I wanted to be...a lumberjack!'"
"And I thought you were so butch," the Captain chimed in helpfully. Techie shook her head.
"It might work, but only until he found out that I wasn't actually leaping from tree to tree as they floated down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. I don't know what he'd do to me if he found out he'd been lied to, but I bet it wouldn't be pretty."
"Oh, he'd forget all about you once he had Harley back," the Captain said dismissively. Harley grinned suddenly.
"Harley! You're a genius, Mon Capitan."
"Of course," the Captain acknowledged.
"I never thought I'd say this, but we have to get them back together."
"Sounds like a plan! But I have to ask--are you acknowledging that the pair of tragic clowns are destined to be together, a romance for the ages, or are you just thinking, 'better her than me'?"
"Does it really matter? Let's go spring the twit, and may they both find happiness. Or at least...not kill each other right away."