Title:Razor Candies
Rating:M
Author:Freeing Alys
Summary:It's funny how much a person can change in two years. Liley. Rated for self-hatred, self-mutliation, eating disorders, and lots of other stuff I may not be sure of.
Disclaimer:I DO NOT own Hannah Montana or anything/one affliated with it. That all belongs to Disney.
Author's Note: This is a bit different, and my first M rated story. Please tell me what you think-maybe in a nice way? That would be nice for me, thank you.

1. Desperate

It's funny how much a person can change in only two years. Two years ago I was the Miley Stewart that everyone loved, I knew who I was and I had it all. Now, I'm a shell of that person. I'm twisted and obscene and I hate every minute of being The New Miley.

Now, I'm sitting against the bathroom door, staring at my bare legs. Tears are streaming down my face, but all I really want to do is scream. But I can't. Because if I scream, that would mean I would have to make noise, I would have to make myself noticed.

I can't be noticed in that way. Because if I am I would have to explain it, and I can't. Iglance down at my right hand, at the razor and I shake my head. I wish I could travel back to two years ago, back to The Old Miley. I miss her.

Lifting my right hand I bring the razor to my outer thigh. I take a deep breath, close my eyes shut tightly and then rip the metal down my leg. I gasp at the sting and ultmatially at the pain that I don't feel and drop the razor. It clings as it hits the ground and I stare at it, blood covering the edges.

More tears spill down my cheeks as I glance the wound. It's deeper then the other ones that I had made and I wonder how I did it. I move my leg as blood tinkles down towards my hip. Leaning my head against the bathroom door I close my eyes again and try to remember the last day that I had been The Old Miley.

It was raining. Lily and I were in my Hannah closet, trying on clothes and goofing around. Just like we always did. But then Lily's face grew serious and she stared at me for a long time, when I finally asked her what she did soemthign I hadn't ever expected. She quickly pecked my on my lips, and it made my skin crawl, but in a good way.

We were sophomores. I was just finding out new things about myself, like that fact that I loved old movies and Redvine licorice. But I guess Lily was finding new things out about herself oto. And I wans't ready to explore any of that. I was still hurting over Jake Ryan, even though we had ended a year before and I was okay about it. But his ache was still there in my heart.

When Lily pulled away from me I gasped and shook my head. Right away Lily freaked. She cursed a couple of times, leapt off the floro and out of my house. I didn't see her for a week. She had spent the large amount of her time avoiding me. When she did finally sit next to me at lunch, I ignored it. I went on long nothing had happened and soon after Lily slipped into the same pattern.

But in the end, I always trace it back to that rainy day when Lily first kissed me as being the last day as The Old Miley. After that it seemed like I changed. That kiss caused a drift in my world. The songs I wrote for Hannah became slower and sadder. I could no longer think of jokes or laugh like I did before. I forgot to spend that extra hour a day on homework. Things just sort of untangled in my world.

Then it just got worse. I was home alone, trying to read a book for English, but failing everytime I would open the book. My mind kept flickering back to that kiss and the look on Lily's face and that feeling I got. That skin crawling feeling. I paced around my room a few times. But it didn't help, I just kept getting more and more anxious.

Finally, I went into the bathroom to splash water on my face. As I was scooping water up quickly I dinged my wrist on the faucet. It hurt at first. It was the initial reaction, but then the hurt went away and there was a numb feeling, and then I took a deep breath. The first deep rbeath that I had managed all night.

A calming feeling washed over me and the panic attack went away. And just like that it played out. I seemed to leave my body, I was just soaring above my head as I made my way to my bedroom and reached for my craft box Grandpa had made me. I pulled out my exacto knife, pulled out the razor. Then without rationalizing or thinking about it, I pulled it along the inside of my wrist.

The blood took awhile, but it finally came out. It leaked out of the small cut and dripped off of my wrist and onto the stonewashed jeans that I was wearing. I sighed and it all felt better. It all went away. No more Lily. No more kissing. No more crawling feeling. It all went away. Just like that.

"Bud? You in there?" I jump slightly as Dad knocks on the bathroom door, interrupting my memories.

"Y-yeah!" I say as I leap off the floor, quickly picking up my razor with me.

"Dinner is done." Dad says and then I hear him walk over, humming a new Hannah song he wrote.

I pull toilet paper off the roll and quickly clean the razor and the blood off the medium brown tile that makes up mine and Jackson's bathroom. I flush it down the toilet and run the facet. I wipe at my cut with fresh water, until the bleeding stops and then wash my hands.

I avoid glancing up at my reflection the whole time. To embarrassed and ashamed to stare at myself. I was never the girl who would do that, or act like that. Yet I was.

I turn towards the door open it slightly, glance in both directions to see if Dad or Jackson are around. They aren't. So I slip out of the bathroom and race down the hall to my room, feeling naked, just knowing that my wound is exposed.

I shut my bedroom door behind me, pull on jeans and fluff my hair with my fingers. I have to look like Miley and act like Miley when I walk back down the stairs and join my family for dinner. Everything has to be perfect. And I have to be perfect.

As I reach the staircase and slowly walk down each step I grimace at my methods of living. I'm halfway down the staircase when I realize that I hate myself and the way that I live and I wish that I could stop. Yet somehow I just don't.