Sixteen hours.
It had been roughly sixteen hours since Sirius had kissed Remus in the Shrieking Shack. His best friend, Sirius Black, a boy, had kissed him. The more he thought about it, the more he figured he should feel upset, or angered. But oddly, he felt absolutely no different. He was not elated, confused, frustrated… just exactly the same as he always felt about and towards Sirius.
How did he feel towards Sirius? It was a strange question for certain, a question that could be easily brushed off with a grinning "We're good mates." But Remus knew that answer was bollocks. Sure they were good mates, but their friendship was based on something he couldn't put his finger on.
They needed each other. Remus needed the constant reminder of his self-questionable humanity. Sirius needed the reassurance that somebody would always love him, no matter what. It just so worked out that Sirius was appalled by Remus' constant worry that he was never quite human, and Remus could never believe that somebody would deny Sirius the love he so desperately deserved. They matched. They meshed. They were complimentary to each others vices.
Remus swirled his cold tea in the porcelain cup, watching the leaves dance and twirl before settling into a heap in the middle, "We compliment each other…" he murmured quietly to his hands, as if just discovering this as a truth and needing to hear it said aloud in order for it to make sense to himself. He nodded softly to himself and sighed contentedly.
Placing the porcelain cup on the floor next to him, he hoisted himself onto the chesterfield behind him, stretching out to lay his head on the pillow and rest his eyes. Just a few minutes…
Sirius took one last drag off of his cigarette and flicked it into the gentle fire. Running a hand through his shoulder length hair, he leaned back against the couch and picked up his fresh cup of tea.
Seventeen hours and thirty odd minutes. It had been seventeen hours and thirty odd minutes since he had kissed Remus in the Shrieking Shack. His best friend, Remus Lupin, a boy.
"Don't be sorry, Sirius" he responded, taking his friends hand in his own with a shy smile and giving it a gentle squeeze. "I understand."
Remus understood. Had it been anyone else, he likely would have felt the need to explain himself, but Remus had held his hand and told him he understood. Sirius believed him.
It wasn't even sexual, which was the strange part. It felt so normal, like that's just the way things are supposed to happen. It had nothing to do with needing contact or assurance, and everything to do with loving the boy who was currently sleeping behind him on the chesterfield. It was a promise to love him forever no matter what wicked things life will inevitably throw at them.
Sirius smiled – he knew there would be no need to explain this to Remus. What it was about their friendship that offered such allowances he was unsure of. It was as if they shared in everything; thoughts, feelings, understanding.
Sirius closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the cushions of the chesterfield. Remus shifted in his sleep, his hand slowly trailing off of the couch, just hanging there to the left of Sirius' shoulder. Without opening his eyes, Sirius reached his right hand over and twined his fingers through Remus', a small smile creeping up to the corners of his mouth.
Soon enough, Sirius felt himself drifting away into a sleep lulled by the gentle huffs and purrs that came from Remus' sleeping form…
The waning moon was high in the ebony night when Remus stirred. Running a small hand along his brow and stretching his lithe body out under the covers to gently crack his back, Remus wondered to himself why he felt as if something were missing. Looking to his left, he noticed that Sirius was neither in his bed, snuggled up against him, clutching Snuffles, nor was he in his own bed sleeping soundly.
Remus sighed, letting his feet drop down into his plaid slippers. It was awfully late for Sirius to be off alone. Grabbing his favorite brown jumper, he made his way over to Jamie's trunk to fish out the map. A quick incantation later and a flick of his wand to perform a summoning spell revealed Sirius' name in the auditorium in bright red lettering. Remus sighed and shut the map down, tossing it carelessly onto his bed before shuffling across the floor to seek out his absent friend.
The corridors were eerily quiet, even for this time of night. Remus yawned and rubbed at his eyes as he descended staircase after staircase. Usually there would be a phantom or two lurking the halls, but not tonight. By the time he had made it to the second floor, his ears picked up the distinct sound of music.
He wrapped his jumper all the more tightly around his scarred torso, feeling slightly haunted by the sounds that were increasing in volume as he neared the auditorium. The music was resonating across the stone walls and Remus wondered vaguely if he was intruding on something that was never meant to be heard.
The decadent tempo increased, trills of the most beautiful thing he had ever heard causing his heart to leap in a very emotionally charged fashion.
Remus gently pushed the two-story wooden door open after casting a silencing charm on it as to not disturb the music.
Across the room, under the window, was his dearest friend – Sirius. Poised regally at the bench of a black grand piano on the stage, Remus could just make out Sirius' long slender fingers dancing elegantly across the ivory keys. Eyes closed, brow knitted together, foot caressing the pedals to soften the sound, resonate and increase.
Remus could not place the music that was being performed by his ebony haired friend. Soft whispers one moment, lively and intense the next, Sirius let his fingers pour out all of his fears, joy, passion, and love onto the creamy ivory.
Slowly, Remus stalked up behind his friend. If Sirius had noticed his presence, he did not acknowledge it, and for this Remus was thankful. He did not want the music to stop. How do you stop time? If ever there was a rational answer, it was surely found in the caress of the notes Sirius was coaxing out of the majestic instrument.
Coming to a rest behind Sirius, Remus let his eyes flutter to a close, hugging his jumper as tightly to him as possible. It was a primal sound, tortured, passionate –the sound of Sirius' mind. It was so intensely beautiful that Remus found he couldn't be bothered to wipe away the hot tears that were falling from his pale eyes. Pianissimo maestoso into fortissimo agitato, and back again – music resonating through the empty hall like the ripples on a water surface.
Sensing the beautiful music was nearing completion, Remus quickly wiped away the tears that had trailed down his pale cheek. Sirius let out a long, defeated sigh as he brushed long ebony locks out of his face. The silence of the room felt heavy, but Remus couldn't bring himself to fill the void.How do you speak after something like that?
Sirius ran a pale hand across his collarbone and whispered, "It's finished."
Remus' eyes shot open, startled by the break in silence. Sirius moved over to make room on the bench, eyes still closed. After a moment's consideration, Remus quietly stepped up and took the offered seat next to his dark friend.
Sirius reached over and gently twined his fingers into Remus', "This is why my mother disowned me."
Remus caressed Sirius's hand with his thumb as his friend reached up to wipe away a stray tear from his fathomless grey eyes. "Because of your music?" he asked in a hushed tone.
"Yes, and no. Many classical composers are also pureblood wizards. I had taken lessons on the harpsichord since I was around four year's old, got my first piano when I got my acceptance to Hogwarts. When mum found out I was a Gryffindor, she threatened to destroy my piano."
"Each summer I would go home and practically live in my composition room. I would play the music mother had picked out for me, and work on my own music in pieces so that she couldn't figure out what I was doing. I started working on that piece after my first year. Mother had no idea that it was a full piece."
"Whenever we would have company over, mother would go all out – dinner and then we would retire to the drawing room where we would have musical entertainment. I would pull out a few known pieces, and a few pieces of my own that were appropriate."
"As the years went on, I added to my song. It never felt complete. I would tear it up and start from scratch again. Every black eye, every betrayal, every ounce of pain I felt I would put it into my music. But no matter how much I tried, it always turned up hollow."
"And then I went and fucked things up royally. I wish I could say I wasn't thinking, but I knew what I was doing – it just didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. Mother was always in my head, yelling and screeching at me that I was a worthless fuck up and I didn't deserve to be spat on by Lord Voldemort. I was starting to believe her, for Merlin knows what reason."
"I thought, that if I could just fuck things up, that it would all go away. Mother would see that she was right and she would leave me alone. All it ended up doing was hurting the people I love the most, and assuring my pure-blood arrogance was still as much a part of me as the flesh on my bones."
"One night during the summer between sixth and seventh year, mother was entertaining guests. I decided not to join them, instead opting to stay in my room and forgo my dinner. Mother dragged me downstairs against my will afterwards to entertain her guests in the drawing room. I was nothing more than a show monkey for them, pouring out other men's music so they could stick their noses up in the air and blabber on like they knew what they were talking about."
"I played this song…" Sirius took in a shaky breath and wiped away the tears that were forming in his eyes, "I didn't even bother taking my sheet music with me. I sat down, laid it all out for them to see, for them to pick apart like the sick, twisted little vultures they are."
"They thought it was wonderful. Mother was fuming. She might be a callous, evil wench, but she knows music. She saw right through my performance. After being excused to my room, I just sat there, waiting for hours on the end of my bed. I had long since packed my trunk full of my most treasured belongings and was ready to leave. Mother came upstairs and beat me within an inch of my life, I'm sure. I'd never felt so empty in my entire life. I don't even think I cried…"
"That was the first and last night mother ever sent my father upstairs to punish me. I'll never forget the sadistic pleasure I saw in his eyes as he looked at me. It was horrifying. Reg was beating on my door, screaming at father to just leave me be. I could hear him crying twenty feet away from me. Mother was pulling him away from my door, telling him he would be next if he didn't go to his room right that instant. I vaguely remember waking up a couple hours later. I think I checked on Reg, he seemed ok from what I remember."
"So I put on my cloak, shrunk my truck and left for Jamie's…"
Remus let go of Sirius' hand and pulled him into a tight embrace. Sirius wrapped his shaking arms around Remus back, clutching to his tattered jumper and letting his tears soak through the fabric as his body was wracked with sobs of pain and torment.
"Why didn't you come to my house? It is so much closer than Jamie's… we haven't much, but you know you would never be turned away…" Remus whispered into his friend's hair, damp with his emotions.
"I don't deserve you, Remus. I don't deserve what you have given to me…" Sirius whimpered against his friends shoulder.
Remus stroked a hand through Sirius' unruly hair and planted a soft kiss on his temple, "I already forgave you, did you think I lied? I already forgave you, Sirius."
Sirius shook and quivered in his friend's warm embrace, "I haven't forgiven myself," he whispered.
Remus tilted Sirius's face up to meet his, only inches away. Bloodshot eyes met in kind, flushed faces and deep panting breaths, "Please forgive yourself, Sirius. I need my friend back, I can't do this alone."
Sirius looked into Remus' eyes, trying to find something…something that would tell him what to do. 'Can I forgive myself? Should I forgive myself? Is Remus better off without me?' he thought.
Remus broke down, burying his face into the crook of Sirius' neck and sobbed. He shook, grasping Sirius' robes and pulling him as tight to his body as possible, afraid that this might be the last time that Sirius would hold him. Sirius placed a hand on the back of Remus' head and rocked them gently on the piano bench, staring out at the waning moon through the partially stained glass windows.
Sirius pulled back slightly from the embrace to look Remus in the eyes. He was crying tears that burned his very soul to think he had caused. His beautiful pale eyes were bloodshot and so very full of pain.
Sirius leaned in slowly and let his lips brush against Remus'. It was sweet, a question of loyalties and love. Remus did not hesitate this time. He grabbed tighter to Sirius' robes and pulled him in to deepen the kiss, locking Sirius' insecurities about their friendship and betrayal away into the back of his mind. Sirius opened his own mouth and danced his tongue gently across Remus' lower lip, licking the tip of Remus' tongue and making the lycanthrope shudder.
This was completely unlike their first kiss. Remus could feel Sirius shuddering in his embrace as his own hands slowly crept up to tangle themselves in silky ebony locks, cooled from the midnight air. Sirius bit gently on Remus' lower lip, letting his teeth drag across it before releasing it and kissing him once more.
More… Remus felt Sirius' hot tears scorching his skin, aware that Sirius was still crying, but sensing that reason had changed. Remus pulled sharply at the hair twined through his fingers, causing Sirius to break from the kiss with a gasp and expose his neck to his friend. Remus leaned back in and nipped at the delicate skin just behind Sirius' ear, then pressed a kiss to the agitated flesh. Down…down his neck, continuing his ministrations until he approached Sirius' collarbone. Remus reached up and let a trembling hand gently caress the exposed line of bone that was visible under Sirius' pale flesh.
Sirius whimpered as Remus eased his grip in his hair and guided his head back down to meet his gaze. Sirius leaned forward and took Remus' mouth in another passionate kiss, his tongue caressing Remus' in a way he never thought possible.
Sirius pulled back slowly, fighting to catch his breath, to calm his frantically racing heart. His hand trailed up the arm of Remus' jumper and across the shoulder to rest at the base of his neck. Remus shuddered, letting go of the silky tresses and finding Sirius' wet cheek. He gently wiped away the evidence, never taking his eyes away from Sirius' moist lips.
Sirius opened his onyx eyes and felt a fresh batch of tears trail down across his cheekbones, pooling across the back of Remus' hands that were holding his face oh-so-sweetly.
"I shouldn't love you like this…" Sirius whispered, casting his eyes away from Remus' lust filled gaze.
"Is this…abnormal?" Remus asked quietly, inching closer to Sirius, desperately needing to feel his hot breath against his skin.
Sirius worried his bottom lip through his teeth, "How can it be abnormal, if it feels so fucking right?"
Remus nodded mutely, hooking his arm around the back of Sirius' neck and pulling him in once more, crashing their mouths together in a kiss that pushed away all doubts, a kiss that Sirius understood to mean that Remus loved him too, and that he wouldn't be alone.
A/N: If anyone would like to hear the song that this chapter is based on (as a matter of fact..this entire fic is based on this one song) just let me know in the reviews. It's a Dave Matthews Band cover of #41 on the acoustic piano done by Jay Wood. It's so beautiful, I can't even put it into words. I can send the file to anyone who wants to hear it, as I am not sure if you can actually find it on the internet.